help...my daugther's 7 yr old best friend is too bossy

19 years ago

Help. My 7 yr old daughter's best friend treats her with no respect and bosses her all the time. Her friend tells her that she can or cannot play at recess, that she can or cannot sit with her on the bus. I do not expect her friend to have to sit with her every day but it seems like its up to her friend to decide when she wants her and when she doesn't. When her friend decides not to sit with her she physically pushes her out of the seat. To me that is unacceptable. I try to tell my daughter that her friend can only boss her around if she lets her boss her. So she tries to stick up for herslef, but this not so friendly treatment still persists. I am close friends with her mom too so we see her a lot and my friend says its b/c she loves her like a sister. I do not think that is reason enough to treat her friend like that.

Just need some advice about how to deal with their relationship.

Featured Answer

gincourt

18 years ago

Sounds like your friend is enabling a BRAT. Tell the little girl yourself that we do not boss other people around, it is not nice. If her mother isnt going to be a good parent some one needs too.

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Comments (11)

plasticgarden
19 years ago
I have had similar issues before.

My daughter had a girl friend who was also very hot and cold with her friendship. One day she plays with her,the next telling her she doesnt want to be her friend today.It really hurt my daughter's feelings because she really liked this girl.

I told her she should play hard to get with her friend.(I know,telling a kid to play mind games,shame on me!)
That if she acted like she didnt care,her friend might care more about not losing her as a friend.
So my daughter played with other kids and kinda stopped trying so hard to play with girl all the time,and finally the girl came around.
This other girl feels in control of their relationship because she probably sees how much your daughter wants to be her friend.If your child acts "indifferent" maybe the other girl will stop being so "snotty".
livvysmom
19 years ago
I could have written the same title but it would have said "Help -- my 7 year old is too bossy" -- not her friend.

I always describe my DD as a "natural born leader." She doesn't out and out boss, but does like to be in control of the fun and games. When she plays with friend, I usually give her a few gentle reminders to let other kids go first or choose what to do. I honestly think she gets so caught up that she forgets.

Anyhow, some things I've noticed about this age: each girl (I only have girls) seems to have some sort of personality flaw. Some are bossy, some are caddy (like you one day, not the next), some are manipulative (I'll only play with you if we do XXX), some like to leave other kids out of the play... Though my child's "leadership" tendencies worry me, I am thankful that she usually always tries to include everyone in the fun.

Anyhow, back to your problem. Another thing I've noticed is that most kids will only put up with being bossed around for so long. Then they usually migrate to other children that are not like that. That is why I tell me kid "nobody likes a bossy friend."

So, when you can, maybe give reminders like "make sure you guys are taking turns". It would also probably help if you DD expanded her friendships beyond this girl. I don't think girls need to have best friend at this age. One day they think Sally is the best, the next day all you hear about is Mary, etc... Could your DD be smothering this girl? You might also suggest to your DD that she purposely not sit by this girl on the bus, ever. Let the other girl come to her if she chooses. Why set her up for rejection?

Good luck. This is a fun age...full of drama.
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trekaren
19 years ago
Don't try to fix the friend.
Use it as an opportunity to educate your own daughter on how to stand up for herself. We have had the same issue as my DD allows pushier folks to have their way. And we have encouraged her to advocate for her feelings, wants and needs. I can tell a difference already, at nearly 10, since I think for us it started at 7 also.
sc_gardener
19 years ago
"I am close friends with her mom too so we see her a lot and my friend says its b/c she loves her like a sister."

Her mom is doing her daughter no favors by ignoring her bossiness. I would be concerned that if their friendship continues that she will try to boss your daughter into doing something she doesn't want to do.

Work on getting your daughter to stand up for herself. And make sure she has opportunities to play with other children that are not bossy. She will soon see the difference.

Bossy kids usually end up with no friends.
popi_gw
19 years ago
Is the mother bossy too ?

I think if you are all together and the girls are playing, you need to say something. Think of some tactful statements to say when the situation arises. You can become the conductor of the relationship.

Encouraging your daughter to befriend other girls might be a good way to go, as well.

I think you are a good caring mum, to know what is going on in your daughter's life, keep up the good work.
marge727
19 years ago
Girls tend to use this kind of behavior especially at 7. Your daughter is about the right age to put into a team sport. In California we have AYSO soccer for girls which is a good team sport. They push working together for the team, which is what boys learn. My daughter and her friends who were AYSO soccer players are well paid executives today and I think playing team sports helped. Some of them got college scholarships. It could be baseball or ice skating in your area--but it helps keep them healthy and active, and makes them feel really independent and skilled. They don't even have to be a good athlete, but its harder to boss around a 7 year old girl who can kick a goal or speed skate.
bnicebkind
19 years ago
The pattern of this relationship can continue for years, and can be painful for your daughter. (This is "not" just a 7 year old problem, but can continue well into Middle school and High school). Next year, if at all possible, request that your daughter be in a different class than her friend. It will give her the opportunity to develop different friendships with other girls, and she will begin to see the difference, and will be less likely to just accept this type of treatment from her friend. Otherwise, over the years it can damage her self esteem. These years as a child are when she is developing into the person she will be one day, and how she feels about herself, deep down. Do not make the mistake of ignoring this for the friendship you have with her mother. Sometimes, with a bit more distance and less time together, the friend will treat her better when she does see her. And your daughter will become more confident with healthier, and happier friendships.
centralcacyclist
19 years ago
Bossy, controlling "mean" girls don't change. They become more sophisticated but not nicer people. My daughter had a relationship with another girl from age 4 until just recently at age 15. It had a gap in the middle when they weren't in the same activities or school. I have been friends with the mother as well. The mother tries to wear blinders to her daughter's behavior but only succeeds to a point. When my daughter was 5 I quit allowing her to be with the other girl because she always came home injured. Slammed fingers, bruised face from a door, other things I've forgotten over the years.

The friendship staggered on for a long time with my daughter putting up with a lot of meanness, manipulation, and dishonesty. We talked about it often. My daughter would want to believe the other girl when she behaved nicely that it was a permanent change. I pointed out that this other girl would likely disappoint so keep the guard up. She learned after many disappointments to spend time with her when she was on good behavior and to distance herself when she wasn't. My daughter finally ended the friendship after a deceitful incident which included the mother as well. (Long story with too much background and other characters to tell here.) Then the other girl's father died after a long battle with cancer. Sigh. The girl called my daughter asking her to please come to the memorial service. She went. I did not. I was out of town on business. I happy to hear through the grapevine that this girl is moving out of state. I hope so.
kmcw
Original Author
19 years ago
Thank you for all writing. I will attempt to build my daughter's self esteem and try not to put her in the position to be hurt. Not only do I appreciate you all writing back but its nice to know we (my DD and I) are not alone. I hope all is well with your kids and with good parents like you I am sure they will do just fine.
sheilajoyce_gw
19 years ago
I always tried to teach my daughter motivation of others. We talked about friends are people you are happy to be with because they make you happy about yourself and the relationship you share. If someone cannot be a kind friend, DD needs to learn to walk away from that person. It is hard to do, but eventually they do see what you are trying to teach them and the lessons serve them well in life.

help...my daugther's 7 yr old best friend is too bossy

gincourt

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help...my daugther's 7 yr old best friend is too bossy

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