I think you invaded her privacy by accessing what she thought was a private conversation.
Doesnt' she drive? Cant' she drive herself into town?
I can only imagine how isolated she must feel 45 minutes from town having most of her friends in town.
She's angry at you...so she told her friend that you are bad parents.....simple as that...
I don't think you should have dropped everything to help her...but I also think parents ought to be sensitive to what is really really important to their child right then....and make some effoirt to help or talk about it or whatever in the heat of the moment.
But...what's reallyw rong is you sneaking into her MSN conversation with a friend....frankly that's sort of the same mind set that would set up a spy camers in the room when she has friends over.
She's almost 17, she WILL grow up, God willing, and she will go to college and she will move out on her own.....God willing.
Allow her bits of independence now, to train her for being completely on her own....and for heaven's sake don't spy on her conversations.
Linda C

I also think parents ought to be sensitive to what is really really important to their child right then....and make some effoirt to help or talk about it or whatever in the heat of the moment.

This isn't anything new. We've been through this before, last spring actually! She just proscrastinate a lot and blames it on her anxiety disorder all the time. It's like the same scenario, over and over again, but she always has an excuse for everything.

When we were in family therapy, she said something to the therapist about how I gave her the ultimatum that she only has 2 more chances to get her G1 license and that's it. I'm not paying for it anymore. How it was unbelievable! I explained that she failed it 5 times and wasn't even trying to pass cuz she wasn't really studying the booklet. The therapist agreed with me about it being enough is enough and that's it's costly. DD finally saw that I wasn't the one that was in the wrong.

As far as invading her privcay, it's not something I normally do. I know my daughter's moods and know when something is going on with her, troubling her, etc., and I could sense something wrong. I also just remembered that she's due for her menstruation in a few days and she gets very, very moody... cries, anger, depressed, is mad at the world.

As far as driving herself, no she can't right now. In Ontario, a driver's license is obtained in "stages". First one is G1 Class where u need a licensed driver with you at all times. After 12 months (8 mths if u take driver's education), you can apply for your G2 Class. You can drive by yourself but with limited number of passengers and not during certain hours. Then you apply for your G Class, which is your "normal" driver's license. She only has her G1 Class right now and cannot go for the next step until Spring.

I can only imagine how isolated she must feel 45 minutes from town having most of her friends in town.

Most of her friends are not from town. That's just it, she has a few here. Besides, she's not the only one living 45 minutes away from town. We live in a little village. I tell her that at least we own our home and are not renting cuz renting in the city is very, very expensive and most places available are in rough area of town and not too nice. House prices are way too costly now. The irony is some of her "town" friends like spending time in the country cuz u can go snowmobiling, quading, etc.

I mean, I know proscratination is a part of her anxiety disorder but come on. I tell her that she'll just have to "kick herself in the butt and just do it!" then it will become easier to do it eventually. She just has to start. I'm talking about keeping her room clean, learning to cook, help clean the house, even doing her essays... she always waits till the last minute and stresses out!

As far as giving her independence, we sometimes have to push her to do stuff. I had to tell her to plan stuff to do with her friends and not wait to be invited, etc. We had to practically push her to go for her driver's license. Explaining that it will give her independence and she'll be happy for it in the future, telling her that it would be nice when she wants to go out and see movie with friends and she could take the car and go.

Part of anxiety is fear of failing, which is why they proscrastinate a lot. We went through this job thing, country living thing, last year and the year before that. She still didn't do anything about finding a job, only came up with excuses.

She wants a job, then she has to do it on her own. Her resume is done, only needs updating. Her application letter is done, only needs printing and change an address for the 2nd job. I told her yesterday the name of the store in our village then went to listen to the news. I don't have to sit right beside her while she's doing it when she knows what she has to do. I could have easily done it for her, but where would that have gotten her?

So to say that we are not giving her independence is wrong! We are pushing her to get it but she keeps coming up with excuses or blaming us for her not doing it. I've come to the point where I'm saying to myself "Enough is enough. She'll just have to deal with stuff on her own. Too bad if it's not what she wants, expects, etc. That's life!" Her anxiety is stressing me out too much.

She has good intentions, but never goes through with them. I hear all the time, especially on Fridays. "This weekend I'm going to do this and that, and this and that." Sunday night rolls by and she didn't do anything she said she'd do. And if I remind her during the weekend what she said she would do, she comes up with an excuse why she's not doing it or will say she'll do it later.

Hello khandi...I have raised a 33 SD, a 20 year old biodaughter, am in the process of raising a 16 year old son and a 10 year old SD. Just thought I'd let you know where I'm at and where I've been.

I think the teenage years are something that can be pretty rocky for most kids/parents. You have to know when to give in a little and when to stand your ground. Each child is different and has their own set of special circumstances that make them unique.

Since you have been through counseling with you DD you know that she has some things to work through that makes dealings with day to day issues a bit more difficult. I would stay in counseling if I could. Even if she didn't have an anxiety disorder I think that some of her behavior is pretty normal for a teen.

I don't think kids are as entitled to as much privacy as a lot of parents do. With all of the porn problems and so forth on the net I think it should be expected that you would keep her correspondence in check from time to time. The drug reference is troublesome. Keep an eye on that.

My son is dyslexic. He needs constant reminders to do things and we have had to work out things with teachers so that he has learned tools to use so that he can be more accountable for things. He needs visual reminders, check sheets etc. That works well for him with home chores as well.

The normal reaction, I think, when you have a child that has difficulties is to become more lenient. I have found out that just the opposite is true. These kids need structure, they need to be held accountable....it is for their own good.

Remember....more likely than not....this too shall pass. Best wishes to you.

I think her reaction is pretty typical of most teenagers. It's an "all about them" world. You should be encouraged by the fact your DD was even going to bother to put together a resume and applications. My DD wants me to pick up applications -for- her. I'm willing to go into places with her to ask for applications, but I'm not going to pick them up for her.

Teenage girls can be very emotional around the time of their periods. And many times they tell these stories about us parents that are totally untrue, and they know it. Maybe just button pushing. Sometimes I think my DD actually believes the stories she tells.

I agree with Believer. Kids aren't always entitled to their privacy. It's your right as a parent to monitor what your child is doing and who she is talking to. If you think there's a problem, you have the right to take any measure to figure it out. Just my opinion.

Thanks for your input!

She came home from school all happy cuz she got 100% on her sociology test, English test, and Personal Finance test. Today, she's staying after school to attend a big school football game.

The therapist said that when you parent a child with anxiety, you do the opposite of what you do when you parent a child with no anxiety. You have to give more "freedom" so that they can get more self-confidence. They have so much fear! My DD even gets anxious when she tries a new food in case she gets an allergy reaction.

Last week, she had a major attack at school all thanks to our family doctor. I have severe rheumatoid arthritis and DD has a very high arch which can cause hip pain. Brought her to Doc to get referral to foot doctor for orthopedic insoles/shoes. He made a comment that "maybe you have what your mother has". So at school, this was on her mind and an attack set in where she nearly passed out!

Thank God she has good teachers who are compassionate and understanding. Her sociology teacher talked with her a lot about genetics and stuff, and her English teacher has anxiety too so they discussed their issues. I explained more to her about my disease. She's okay now... well, for now anyways.

I was talking with my Mom yesterday cuz I had to talk to someone about this (verbally LOL). She said "You only have one. Imagine if you had more?" LOL My nephew (now 21) was digging my sister's grave at 17 cuz she was so stressed from the trouble he was getting himself into.

I have had panic attacks before, for years actually. I don't know if it is the same thing that your daughter has. I can sympathize with her. Mine crippled my life. I don't have them anymore. I hope that your daughter's situation can become more manageable. I'm sorry that she has to deal with this. It also must be very difficult for you to see her suffer so.

She has Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Two years ago, she couldn't even go into the mall. Now she goes by herself with no problem since she got a cell phone. The cell phone gave her some security. Occasionally, not very often, when the mall is really busy, we will be in different stores and she'll call me on her cell to talk and sort of distract her from her surroundings to ward off an attack before it starts. Or she'll talk to me while making her way towards us.

I'm sorry to hear that your attacks crippled your life. Anxiety attacks and panic attacks are the same. How did you get over it? (If you don't mind my asking)

khandi....Medication helped me plus trying to be as prepared as I can be in my surroundings. I need to know the layout of place, like where the bathrooms are, how to get out quickly if I don't feel well etc. I still don't like going to the mall because it seems like such a maze to me and I get turned around and disoriented easily. When the attacks were really bad I would count back from 100 or keep repeating that I was going to be alright. I practice breathing exercises....even breaths in, even breaths out. The last one I had was about a year and a half ago in the Phoenix, AZ airport. It was really crowded and the security check line was slow. I hadn't felt that way for a long time and I haven't since. It's funny that flying doesn't bother me but the airport and the waiting in long lines does.

Mine didn't start until I was in my 20's, I'm 49 now. they started after my parents and I had a falling out and they disowned me for three years because I was living with a guy. It was a very difficult emotional time for me.

Thank you.

I'm glad you mentioned about flying. I've been wondering if DD would get an attack in a plane. My SIS told me that my DD shouldn't fly if she has anxiety. My MIL wants to take my DD to Florida in March but we're not sure if we should let her go with MIL. MIL is not very empathetic one bit and DH thinks that she'll only make it worse for DD such as laughing at her. (I'm serious, that's how she is)

khandi....is you DD claustrophobic? I was but being in a plane still doesn't bother me. MIL would laugh at her??? That's not good. Does DD know she is like that? I would really not want DD to be with MIL. She could really undo any progress that DD has made.

I don't know anything about parenting a child with anxiety attacks. But normal, nice, well-raised, well-mannered teens will tell other kids their parents are bad parents, when their parents are, in fact, excellent and supportive parents.

In my experience, many of those same kids wind up a few years later telling their parents that they (the parents) were right.

Sometimes it just takes letting the kids make their own mistakes and experience their own consequences. You didn't do anything wrong wanting to delay helping your daughter with her letter. If your daughter got huffy and blew you off, and didn't get the job, then that is her problem. Later on when she wants extra money for a cute pair of shoes and she doesn't have it, she'll pay the consequences of her actions.

There are so many, many things that we parents just can't make our teens see right away. We'd like to think we can just talk to them, and they will change their attitude. I am a big fan of communicating with my kids and talking things out, but some things kids just have to learn on their own. This sounds like one of those things. It just takes time and maturity - about 5 more years!

Good luck!

believer - no, she's not claustrophobic. Yes, my MIL would laugh at her. When DD was 3, we had a beautiful husky dog that ran under hubby's truck when he was leaving. Hubby had to put the dog down.. and she was pregnant. This was very painful for my husband. He adored his dog! MIL said to my then 3 year old "Your Dad is a murderer!" and laughed. She kept saying it over and over (we were at a family gathering). I got so mad and yelled MIL's name and told her "You don't say things like that!". Everyone stopped talking and starred at me. Hubby was very upset and asked his mother if she thought he didn't have a heart and feelings. She said she was just joking. I told her that you don't joke about things like that. DD was too young to know what a she was talking about.

DH's father was an alcoholic abuser. When DH was driving his mother to an airport 4 hour-drive away, he talked to her about how his father's abuse on her affected him. She told him "Get over it!". He was so mad and didn't speak to her for some time. When she told me "I don't know why he just can't get over it?" I had to explain to her that he was a child and it affected him big time and it's not something a person just "gets over"... seeing his mother getting beaten up by his father and he was too little to do anything.. and all the other abuse!

daidyinga - I guess that I was just hurt by her comment. DH and I do more for her than her friends' parents. DH is always the "driver".