That's my problem I have babied my 23 year old all his life and now it's coming back to haunt me.

I hear you! If you hadn't said your son graduated from college, then you could be talking about my adult stepson. For a while, he was living with us and working for my husband. It was a hardship for us to pay a full-time paycheck to him; and of course, he was dissatisfied with his pay. We did tell him he needed to find another job because we couldn't afford to keep employing anybody, and eventually, he got another job working for a friend's mother. We breathed a HUGE sigh of relief and wished him well.

Anyway -- It took a long time to create this problem, and it's not one you can expect to solve overnight. And as much as you know what needs to be done, it's a pretty good bet he knows it too, and is just too depressed and embarassed to do anything about it. To be a 34 year old man and have no decent work experience is a very embarassing thing to have to admit...

But the problem does need to be addressed, and a solution started. My suggestion is to tell him you need to sell the condo. Tell him you plan to sell it in a year or so, and that he needs to begin to make other living plans.

I'd also tell him that you aren't able to continue helping him out as much as you have been, and that he needs to go out and get a job that pays. Tell him that from now on, your financial contributions will be based on his earnings (documented with pay stubs) for a certain period of time to help him get back on his feet.

If this doesn't work and you get read the riot act about throwing them all out onto the street, I'd tell him that you're doing what you feel is best for him, and that his GF and her kids will be welcome to live with you in your home because you could never throw them out into the street. But that he needs to step up to the plate and support his family -- and if a few days on the street is what it takes to make that happen, then it's a small price to pay.

If you have a good relationship with the GF, I might talk to her first. There's a pretty good chance she's feeling the same way.

here's my suggestion: find him a cheaper apartments or houses and tell him he has 30-60 days to relocate. you don't want your grandchild without a roof over his head! that is understandable. so pay for the move, whatever - just help him get out into a more affordable place. then it's between he and his girlfriend. and child care is an admirable job - can he work at home doing anything (computer stuff, daycare, some kind of at home business like making lunches for offices and delivering them in a basket, etc.) but that is not your problem. he will figure that out. you just need him out and need to feel your grandson is being taken care of.

I agree with seek and sweeby. Get them out on their own or they will NEVER leave! 34 years is way too old to be under your parents roof! Before you give them the 30-60 day notice go buy a newspaper. Highlight or circle all apts. or houses that you think would be in their budget. Then go to the job section and circle all the jobs that your son should apply for. Then tell them they need to move out in 30-60 days and when the excuses start coming out hand him the newspaper.

Let him know that you love them, but you need your space and can not afford to keep helping them.

And do not feel guilty. You have been supporting your son about 14 years too long!

My best friend is going through a issue sort of kind of like this, she had a heck of a time having a child, she finally had a baby girl, because she was a only child and bacause it took so many years to have her, they spoiled her totally rotten. Well she married a guy, they had two (wonderful) children, he became a meth dealer, is now in prison for his (many, many) crimes. my BF tried to make up to her daughter for these problems, took her and her children in. Daughter went back to school and worked while grandma watched the kids, my BF moved and let her daughter have previous home, daughter moved bas.. (I am sorry, current Boyfriend) in. Boyfriend did not want her to have a job, wanted her to be a homemaker, well they fell down on regular bills, decided they had to move and left my BF with all kinds of bills (electric, phone, satellite, things like that) All items my BF allowed to have put in her name. Well those two are constantly fighting (I am talking fists, not just words) Daughter now has a major alcohol problem, they come to my BF constantly asking for money, she gives it too. The problem is my BF has the grandkids (thank God) but if she refuses to give money, daughter threatens to burn the house down, kill her mother or take the kids away. My BF freely admits this is her fault, I told her 5 years ago to cut the apron strings, but she is scared to death of her daughter (BF weighs 100lbs, has epilepsy and a broken neck) she just wants her grandbabies no matter how much money it takes, she wants to make sure they are safe.
This is the kicker, her daughter has degrees in Computer programming, Nursing, Philbotomy (drawing blood in patients?) and because of her health issues actually can get Social Security (she has a terminal illness) but she won't do anything and sits on her butt drinking (anything and everything from rubbing alcohol to mouthwash) and being mad at the world and depressed.
Please don't let it get to a point anywhere near this, My mother had to do this with me when I was 22 and I messed up on things, she let me fall and by golly it worked! Cut those strings! You love him, I know you do, and this has to be done in order for him to grow up!

I've taken one step in the right direction, I think. Whenever his bank account drops down to under $100 I always transfer money into it so there's money to put gas in the car and buy food. He has $79 in the bank this morning and unless he has money to deposit then that's what he has to spend.
OMG, this is so hard. I know he's going to overdraw his account by using his debit card and overdraft fees will be added, but I can't bail him out anymore.
Please keep me in your thoughts. I need your strength so I don't buckle.

Stay strong in your resolve. It will be hard, but you need to do it for him and yourself. Mom and Dad won't always be around to help him out, and the time to cut him loose is long overdue. I also suggest you sit down with him, explain that you will give him a specific amount of time to get his act together by allowing him to continue to live in the condo, but after that it's done! Tell him that you will no longer put money into his account. (Is your name on this account? If so, tell him you will be closing the account.) If you're worried about the children, stop by with a bag of groceries or some diapers, but absolutely no more money. He needs to learn to manage on his own income.

Please, Please let this young man BE a man. I know he will hate being independent at first, because change is hard for us all, and initially scary, but he will feel soooo good about himself in the long run. You owe him his wings. You were a good Mom and gave him those proverbial roots....now give him his wings. If he falls, he will learn from his effort. We are all meant to learn while on this earth, and falling down is part of that learning process. Allow him to learn. He will never get out of this comfort zone, if he is not pushed. And pushing him to his potential is not something you should feel guilty about. The suggestions of HOW TO DO the pushing here, have all been good ones, so, unless he is mentally incapable of living on his own, then being self sufficient is WAY over due. Love him enough to let him go, and when the day comes that you are no longer here, he will be prepared.....thanks to you.

You just need to have a plan.

Say something like "I love you son, but it just is not right that I support you financially, I need the money for myself, so lets work out a plan, together, to help you have some independence. You really don't want mummy hanging around controlling your life, do you ?"

Turn it back onto him, make him think that its in his best interests to sever the apron strings.

This will help you and his child, and girlfriend, in the long run.

I admire you for admitting that you have created the problem, I am sure you can fix it up.

Good luck, let us know what you do.

Keep it all friendly, dont let it turn into a war.

POPI

I've never been, but have friends who have had issues like the one you describe, who got support from Al-Anon. It's not just for families of alcoholics, but also for families who have any kind of issues of enabling, codependency, and the overriding guilt that drives a lot of what you describe.

It would not hurt to give them a call and get direction to some support group that may be of help to get you through this time.

I think the GF sounds responsible, and if there were some issue with the child, she would be there for the child. And she may ask for some sort of help that you can give directly to the child, without supplying your son with any handouts.