Mother Daughter Conflicts

18 years ago

An ex-friend of mine (I'll call her Ann) told me when we first met and we were both newly married with babies that she didn't get along with her mother at all. In fact, she said the reason her parents divorced was because her mother would "freak" out often.

Fast forward... Ann has two kids (2 and 3) and her father lives with them. Father tells Ann that she has no patience with her kids, etc. Whenever I was visiting, I found that she had a lot of patience. But then... there were SEVERAL times that I appeared at her door and heard her screaming hysterically at the kids. Twice at my own daughter while she was babysitting her!

Fast forward again... Today, she is divorced from her husband and her daughter (15) is EXACTLY like her. Ann is like her mother, and Ann's daughter is exactly like her! The 15 year old daughter has trouble socializing and keeping friends because of her outbursts. She tends to get involved in other people's business by freaking out at them and starting gossip.

It's kinda weird how this "character trait" has followed mother and daughter over 2 generations. Ann and her daughter have tried counselling, but it didn't work. She's freaked out at her daughter so many times for actually stupid reasons. Has even kicked her out of the house! Her daughter is in the 10th grade and has received the highest award for academic excellence in all her classes for 2 years in a row! She doesn't smoke, drink, or do drugs. They tend to "freak out" at each other all the time. Daughter tells her friends that her mom is crazy! The ex-husband has MS and Ann has some how "polluted" her kids' heads with stuff about their dad. How he was a nuissance, irritating, etc. That they'd had enough of him! He's got MS for goodness sakes!

The daughter is very smart academically, but lacks social intelligence. Like her mother. And both have little friends because they tend to stab people in the back too often.

Sometimes we see in others things that we fail to see in ourselves.

My husband tells me that I'm just like my dad, and I tell him that he's just like his mother. LOL Ironically, he will say things about his mother that really bugs him (how stubborn she is, doesn't really listen when you talk, etc.). That's when I tell him that he's the same way and now he knows what I go through with him! LOL

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Comments (5)

dirtboysdad
18 years ago
One of the things people who rail about their parents or in-laws fail to see is how very much like the person about whom they are complaining they themselves are. Or how like an reviled in-law a spouse will become.

"Oh, my husband is not like his mother at all. He's sweet, considerate, etc., etc., etc." To which my response is: just give it time and you'll see that he has many of her traits.

Unfortunately, it often takes years of maturing before one can see that - and by that time, a great deal of damage to a relationship could have been done.

I would wager, khandi, that if you'd known the grandparents and greatgrandparents of your friend, you would have seen those traits back then also.

You can't get away from your family - they are always with you.
stargazzer
18 years ago
I think this kind of thing is in the genes. My youngest is just like his Dad and was from the first, before he was even aware of his Dad's characteristics. My oldest on is just like my Dad and he died before my son was in school. I am sure this can be learned but it's not so in our case.
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Not sure about the mental illness, but it's a great possibility. I have a BIL and SIL who are bipolar. One worse than the other. Another SIL is a recovering drug addict and alcoholic. She did things like your daughter does. She also had abortions and is divorced. I asked two woman once who had had abortion how they felt. If it was painful. They both said physically it was okay. Emotionally it was hell. Maybe your daughter feels like she doesn't deserve to be alive after having so many abortions and losing so many children. Maybe she's trying to destroy herself because of the emotional pain she is suffering because of her choices and then, when she's sober looks for hope, and then gets down again. Up and down! Up and down! Not getting into a long story but one that relates very well with your granddaughter's life. She should be in counselling NOW. My brother and his wife are raising their son's 2 sons because the mother is a drug addict who has caused so much emotional damage to the eldest since he was 4 (now 8). He had a counsellor from Children's Aid come over to the house and she did some "play counselling". It really helped him. He'd do well until the mother would call and say all kinds of stuff to him to turn him against my brother and SIL. They have now decided to cut all ties with her for the kids' sake and resume counselling. It was destroying them. They are dealing with the courts right now. It's not good for your granddaughter to be subjected to her mother's emotional outbursts and all the stuff that's going on. It will only destroy her too, so PLEASE get her into counselling now! Don't mean to sound unfeeling or whatever, but I don't think there's anything you can do now to help your daughter because she NEEDS to want to help herself. BUT.. what you CAN do is make sure your granddaughter doesn't suffer emotional damage because of her mother's actions. She needs to know and understand WHY her mother does the things that she does, and only a qualified professional knows just how much info a little mind can take at a time so as to not overwhelm them too much and cause more damage. Just my opinion. I wish you luck and strength as you go through this with your family. P.S. A friend of mine had a schizophrenic mother who did all kinds of things to her. My friend was 9 years old when she ran away, collecting pop bottles to get something to eat. After 3 days on the street, she'd go to the police. "They" would get the mother back on her meds, then my friend would go back (and her brother). Only this would happen over and over again. She ended up in a total of 40 foster homes. At 16, she was on her own. ONE foster mother gave my friend (aged 15)several books about schizophrenia and told her to read them all so that she could understand WHY her mother did the things that she did. It wasn't because she didn't love her. It was because she was mentally ill. My friend said that reading those books changed her whole world. She didn't hate her mother anymore. On her wedding day, she saw her brother for the first time in a very long time. My friend invited her mother to the wedding. When her brother asked her how she could invite her and still love her after everything that she did to them, my friend told her brother that it's called forgiving and understanding and she'd talk to him about it when he grows up! I have to say that my friend turned out very well. Never did drugs or hit the booze to numb the emotional pain of her childhood. It actually made her stronger. The brother, however, today, is bipolar and smokes drugs! The mother is now deceased, but my friend took care of her by arranging proper care when she was too sick to care for herself. She would also go pick her up to spend Christmas day with her husband and kids. By educating herself about why her mother did the things that she did, she didn't grow up with resentment, hatred, low self-esteem, feeling unloved, etc. She grew up knowing that her mother loved her in her own special way, the only way she could, and was mentally ill, and had "outbursts" when she was not on her meds, etc. Your granddaugther needs to know the same about her mother!
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popi_gw
18 years ago
I think, because I know how my mother behaved...it makes me NOT behave that way.

She was an anxious sort of person, sometimes negative and rather phobic...so I am well aware of what it was like to be the daughter of someone like that, and how that affected her and others.

Its made me cautious about ending up like her !

We don't have to end up with the negative traits of our parents, do we?

My parents where authoritarian, in their disciplining...but I am certainly more along the lines of positive parenting with my children. Once again...I was the child of that parenting...but that made me think, when it was time to rear my own children...that there must be a better and fairer way to raise children.

Good discussion.

Cheers.
stephanie_in_ga
18 years ago
I don't know what makes some adult children follow their parents negative ways and what makes others take the opposite path. I think it has to be a decision, like Popi, to take another path. Also, the other path has to be learned from somewhere. I think there are some people who, sadly, grow up never knowing there really is another path to choose.

I have an aunt who was (I'm sorry to be so blunt, but it's true) a terrible mother. She just could not take care of herself, much less others. She had two daughters who have chosen different paths quite deliberately. One married a man with children, had a couple of their own, and have custody of all. She studied child development and stays home w/all of them. She devotes herself to learning and being a good mother/teacher to her children. Emotionally, I think she not only wanted that for her own children, but she wanted to "fix" it for her husband's children (who don't see their bio-mom) like no one fixed it for her/her sister.

Her sister is 30 and still solidly devoted to not marrying/having children to screw up. LOL. But she is very supportive of her sister, helping w/neices and nephews.

I worry about both of my cousins and the lasting effects of their childhood. They seem to be "over it" but sometimes I see how it defines them and their choices. They had to have other influences to counteract their own home life. They have told me it is MY mother, not their own, they look to as an example. They would spend weeks w/us in the summer and they have recently told me what a relief that was to them.
popi_gw
18 years ago
"Also, the other path has to be learned from somewhere."

I read LOTS of books, and still do, on different ways of looking at life. There is always a better way...or a different way...worth exploring.

Mother Daughter Conflicts

Comments (5)

dirtboysdad

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