I am going through this grief right now and it is possibly the most painful heartache imaginable. My adult daughter has alienated herself from me over a difference of opinion on the subject of abortion. I was at one time very much into the prolife movement. But because I've grown and learned, I've changed positions. I support pro choice. My daughter, who has suffered multiple miscarriages, read a comment I made on a discussion about the subject and was offended. She refuses to speak to me. I am beyond heartbroken. I feel as if my daughter wants to control my thoughts. She posts things on social media that lead me to think they are deliberate attempts to twist the knife. So hurtful they are, and she never considers that worse than losing a pregnancy to miscarriage is the pain of having your own child reject you. I have also lost a pregnancy to miscarriage, so I know what that's like. I've also lost my husband, her dad, and that was at the time, the worst pain I'd ever experienced. But this! This child of mine has cost me a lot in terms of sacrifice. At a time when I could least afford it, because I was home from my job for medical reasons, my daughter needed help paying her rent. I committed to help her. She got engaged to a man and mom paid for the wedding. A few years went by and the marriage ended. She needed help again to pay her bills. By then, I was old enough to take early retirement. It was all I had to give. So I did. It cost me half of what I'd otherwise have been entitled to. And that's for the rest of my life. My daughter takes little responsibility for her own affairs. And yes, mom's fault for bailing her out over and over. Her sister got saddled with her cell phone bill. Her dog damages property because he's not properly housetrained, and that has cost her sister a lot of money. My daughter owns 3 cars, two of them are high dollar cars. Her payments for those, she doesn't skip. But it's okay to let everyone else pay for her bills. And she says I lie when I say I love her,

OK. I guess the history in our families has defined what we believe. I never experienced my father's and mother's family together at an event. When I was raising my children with my ex before the divorce we did holidays,etc. at seperate times with my parents than his. My DH had the same; mother Xmas, father Xmas, in-laws Xmas. So this is not a new concept to our children, in fact is what they are used to. Since the divorces we have had our holidays at noon so they could be with their other parent from 3 pm on. Now there are significant other/spouse's families. With the one that is married, the spouse's parental and materal families do not celebrate together. So I do not believe we are being "ridiculous". It has been three generations in the making. Yep, DH and I have talked about just going along and smiling all the way. Maybe we should do this and the child will notice that it is so thick you could cut it with a knife. If that is that she/they want, then we sure as H... can buck it up (we have done it numerous times in the past when we have happened onto our exes with our children). We are not about to cause a "scene". That is why we have tried to work things out beforehand. As far as the wedding, the bride, our future daughter-in-law, made the wedding invitations. We did not see them until we received one in the mail. My only request to my son for the wedding was not to have my ex and I stand next to each other in the receiving line or sit next to each other in church. Of course, ex had to sit directly behind us, AFTER the priest had said the children should seperate the father and mother in pew rows. Would we make a scene at an event? NO. It is for the child. But...there can be ways to work around this beforehand. We have attempted to teach our children diplomacy; this smacks of selfishness to us on our child's part. "I do not care what you or my other parent feels"; I just want a party in my honor.

I wouldn't use the word "wrong", but I would call it perhaps short-sighted and lacking in awareness. You seem to have no idea HOW or WHY the problem between your children, your husband and yourself developed. Why is it that you don't have any insight into this? Have you ever tried counseling or even a good heart-to-heart with any of your kids? have you sat down and pondered what might be underlying their distance? (I'm not presuming you haven't, I am just asking.) The children you gave birth to are too important (and not just them themselves, but to YOU as their mother) to not probe this deeper. By insisting that you delve int the source of the problem, I am not necessarily assuming that your kids have a great reason for keeping their distance from you and your husband. Their reasons may range from completely valid to terribly selfish, or --if they're like most people--- some combination or somewhere in between. They would certainly not be the first children of divorce in blended families to have such mixed feelings, or to find it hard to connect with their role in the newly blended family. They also wouldn't be the first to have some unresolved anger, or an attitude about it, not necessarily because you or your husband have done anything so awful but simply because of the fact that their family is not what it once was. Often, unfortunately, this kind of deep-seated upset can manifest by the kids choosing ---consciously or unconsciously--- to keep their distance, knowing no other way to effectively deal with feelings they may not even fully recognize in themselves. You are asking for a reasonable amount of consideration from your kids, but I would ask on their behalf for a reasonable amount of consideration on your end as to what their underlying needs and feelings might be. I don't know your kids, but maybe you don't know them as well as you could, either. It's possible they truly are despicable oafs who are no longer worth your time or consideration. But wow, what a thing to say/feel about your own kids. Is that really how you want it? I doubt it, or you wouldn't be on here asking about it. I might also ask you at this point what sort of input your husband and stepchildren have on the matter of your kids. Do they encourage you to explore the issues or seek counseling or literature on the subject of blended families? Do they express any empathy for what it may feel like to have been in your kids' shoes, post-divorce? Are they welcoming when your kids are around? Basically: are they a force for trying to build bridges or do they encourage you to build walls? Again, I am not assuming they are or are not one way or the other... just that this can have a big impact on the cohesiveness of the blended family and either ease or exacerbate tensions and distance...

I married a great man. We dated for 5 years before getting married. We have 7 children between us. There are two ex-wives both allergic to work, neglectful mothers with drug and alcohol issues. Two of my step children lived with their mother who was hearing impaired and couldn't crawl out of the bottle. The other two children were kept from their other siblings. Their mother was/is a drug addict who had her son running drugs for her. My husband worked a lot of hours and out of town. Last ex wife took husband to the cleaners, lied about domestic and claimed to have spent her life ensuring her children were raised correctly and self sufficient. The adult kids have been dependent on my husband for over 10 years. He pays the mortgage on the house that was supposed to be sold so his youngest son can live there with his girlfriend and their children. The girlfriend collects welfare, my SS makes good money, they sub-rent the house, they have three times the allowable animals by city ordinance, the house is trashed, and the ex wife her boyfriend, the girlfriend's parents squat there. It's a mess. The people that live frequently live there are criminals with drug & alcohol problems. We just bought a house and I'm always worried about liability. The mother of our grandchildren keeps the kids from us we hardly see them, unless they need $$$ or it's a birthday or holiday. She never finished high school and now she partially home schools our grandaughter. I'm sure it's so she can stay home and run around with her twin sister. My step son is a glazier and makes good $$$ and just hands her his debit card so she can but whatever. They rarely contribute to the expenses of the house. They have stated they want to buy the house and my husband will sell it for what's owed yet year after year they swat. They can't rent anywhere because they have a history of not paying rent, and she's an animal (dog) hoarder. My 35 year old step daughter is a single mother, with drug & alcoholic problems. She uses bi-polar as an excuse for her bad behavior. My husbands picks up the slack for our grandaughter because SD wouldn't turn dad in for child support. Dad is a Mexican national who is an alcoholic and wouldn't work and leaches off his elderly mother and sister. SD is hard on cars and dad helps her out about every 16 months with a car. SD makes decent money but spends it like water eating out, Starbucks, cigarettes ... anything but car repair, paying speeding tickets etc... 30 year old step son is living with us, he hooked up with a meth head that we supported along with her three children. He got a DV for trying to leave her after she attacked him. He then crashed our car, and isn't getting another, despite my husband saying he will buy him car. While spending thousands of $$$ to help him, his mother is doing meth with him. Yes I spend a great deal of time trying to clean this woman's mess but she is mother & grandmother of the year. Good grief! She's now scheming and scamming claiming back problems to try to tap into my husband's social security. My last step son is amazing. He is hearing impaired and works his ass off. His wife was a teen mother who just graduated from college. Their son is well mannered, motivated and grounded. They are wonderful parents, partners and work hard to be self sufficient. My kids are not perfect but I limit how we help them, My youngest is living with us because he can't rent an apt in the current market having a good rental history. He has medical issues in which we help pay for the last surgery. He's 21, works, helps out & pays his bills. My middle child is somewhat disappointing with his recreational drug use, job hopping and pretty much being self centered. He is slow to pay back loans. My oldest pays back loans, works his tail off and lives in someone's attack, so he's at least on his own. My kids aren't going anywhere in life but they try to be self sufficient. I was always the smothering mother, but my husband wanted me to back away. It was hard but I did, and I'm blunt with my children on many subjects. It is not beyond me to pull over and tell my son to get out of my car if he can't be respectful and that the walk to where ever he is going will clear his head. My husband watched his sisters leach off his mother and father until they died. None of those sisters are self sufficient and they are in their late 50's. I'm sick of it because my husband wants to retire as his body is sore from working construction. He can't because he wouldn't cut the kids off. There's one thing helping, but we are supporting and not getting that dependent tax credit. This is ruining our marriage. I flat out tell my husband that if he dies before me I will not keep his kids in the manner that they are accustomed. I don't make that kind of $$$, not do I agree with paying for adult kids, girlfriends, grandchildren, dependent ex wives, parents of children's girlfriends etc..... My husband wants a new truck and he wanted to take a loan out against our house for it. I told him no take it out against the one that the kids live in that was to be sold 10 years ago that he pays the bills on. I do love my husband, he's a wonderful, intelligent hard working man. When I met my husband he had no job and no home. His wife kicked him out and he went to stay with daughter whom was my neighbor. Everything we have we have built together as a couple. It is not for the taking by the children and certainly not while we are living. I live in fear of liability from the irresponsible step kids and their associates. It's very stressful and effecting our health. Yet my husband prefers to be complacent and continues to shell out. How long should one carry their 30 year old + kids & lazy drug addicted ex-wive ? I think about divorce just to escape the unnecessary drama. Two's company but with a parasitic ex wife and adult children there is little relaxation and enjoyment.