I would have said before Facebook that I would probably disappear but I have a lot of friends from here on Facebook too. Someone might post on my Facebook account that I've kicked the bucket, so there's a chance someone would see it who posts here and come tell you all.

On FB I still get requests to "friend " one of my husbands friends who died two years ago.

No. Some KT people are my friends on Facebook, so they would find out that way I would imagine.

I'm also one of the poof I'm gone.........

Yes, I would just disappear.

This is why I was worried for Vala. She was suppose to get the new puppy then we've heard nothing from her.

An adieu from me also...poof!
I so enjoy coming here everyday though :-)

I do worry a bit when I realize someone is missing, but know I can't do anything about it. I've only emailed with a couple of people and one of them has passed on. I was so hoping Dot had something else going on that prevented her from posting.

Several of you here have my phone number, and those of you who have participated in the Christmas card exchange have my email address. If any of you want to send me contact info you may do so. I don't always remember who is who unless we've met you in person, or I see you post a lot, but if I see someone post asking if you are missing, I can contact to let you know you are missed! Or send it to someone else here if you like. Like Nita said, each and every one of you are important, wether you thinks so or not.

Mary3444, you are in my prayers nightly, along with many others here, so don't you even THINK you are not important to us!

Tami

I would disappear because I've never even really been here. I've kinda been invisible all of my life, but not by choice. I've pretty much been ignored forever, even by my parents, my husband & 4 kids. Sigh -- that's the way it is.

I'm not sure if anyone would notice here, but my FB friends would know and would miss me. Probably one of my friends from FB that posts here would say something. Last year when I had surgery, my daughter posted here.

Drewsmaga... I think I know how you feel. I felt the same way growing up, the only attention I got from parents was not the good kind. And now, my grown children only call when they need something. Wondering what I did wrong there...... I worked two jobs for so many years to take care of them and provide for their every want..............
We each have our own path................

Like some others, I log on every day and read everything, but only post sporadically, so no one would ever notice my absence. I've just always been kind of an introvert, so my rare posts are usually to ask a question for information. However, I do love reading all the posts and would definitely notice and miss the absence of the more active members.

drewsmaga and jenna-- are you both shy people? I was very, very shy growing up and would be shocked if anyone paid any attention to me. My parents were kind enough, but very matter-of-fact. Perhaps by not giving us everything we wanted (by a long shot!) they created lower expectations in us---I don't know. Sometimes those who are given their every wish as children don't know how to be empathetic. But then I know a gal who was spoiled silly as a child (in another country,) and grew up to be a delightful and very kind person. I have three kids; two are shy and one is very outgoing and is always having a good time with lots of friends. (The others have friends too--its's just different.) We are what we are but sometimes I have to really force myself to be proactive in being friendly. I'm still a bit shy, but nothing like I used to be. It makes me sad to hear you two feel you are always ignored.

When I go, my DH isn't gonna know how to get to the KT let alone post to the KT, so I would disappear unless he would happen to find Sandy IA's phone number and call her.

jennava, you sound like me (but I was a SAH Mom who attended practices/games/concerts & drove them to the library/friends and cooked them dinner EVERY night and was always there for their problems/rants/etc. Yeah, they call only when they want something/have a problem. I call & email & text & get voice mail & no reply. And the same thing is happening with the grandkids. I'm to the place where I just don't want to put out the effort anymore.

sjerin, I was shy as a kid and I'm not an extrovert, but I put a lot of time & effort into relationships. Even my "friends" blow me off like my kids & husband do. And my parents did. Even in all the different volunteer groups I've been involved in (for as long as 9 yrs.) I'm not invisible by choice.

Lydia, greetings back to you. We tried the fruitcake once, and are staying with the bourbon cake!

Have read every post and still would come to say good-bye and good luck and thanks for all the entertainment and advice over the years.

drewsmaga--I know; when you have a quiet personality people tend to talk over you and sometimes leave you out, even if you are standing there with everyone else. I have to force myself to insert myself into the conversation, even though it can be hard and even though it sorta sounds to me like I'm interrupting a bit. One of my dd's is so similar to me and no matter how much I've tried to teach her to put herself forward, it's still very hard for her. I guess you could call us observers. But I'm sorry your kids aren't kind to you. Did you ever consider not calling or writing to them? They will eventually wonder what's wrong and then you can tell them. :)

This invisible discussion reminds me of a favorite song from the stage play/movie Chicago... Mr. Cellophane.

****
If someone stood up in a crowd
And raised his voice up way out loud
And waved his arm and shook his leg
You'd notice him

If someone in the movie show
Yelled "Fire in the second row
This whole place is a powder keg!"
You'd notice him

And even without clucking like a hen
Everyone gets noticed, now and then,
Unless, of course, that personage should be
Invisible, inconsequential me!

Cellophane
Mister Cellophane
Shoulda been my name
Mister Cellophane
'Cause you can look right through me
Walk right by me
And never know I'm there...

I tell ya
Cellophane
Mister Cellophane
Shoulda been my name
Mister Cellophane
'Cause you can look right through me
Walk right by me
And never know I'm there...

Suppose you was a little cat
Residin' in a person's flat
Who fed you fish and scratched your ears?
You'd notice him

Suppose you was a woman, wed
And sleepin' in a double bed
Beside one man, for seven years
You'd notice him

A human being's made of more than air
With all that bulk, you're bound to see him there
Unless that human bein' next to you
Is unimpressive, undistinguished
You know who...

Cellophane
Mister Cellophane
Shoulda been my name
Mister Cellophane
'Cause you can look right through me
Walk right by me
And never know I'm there...
I tell ya
Cellophane
Mister Cellophane
Shoulda been my name
Mister Cellophane
'Cause you can look right through me
Walk right by me
And never know I'm there
Never even know I'm there.

Hope I didn't take up too much of your time.

I have been posting here since it began but I think I would probably just disappear, too.
Or....maybe Nita would call to see what happened to me.

I'm another one who would just disappear. But I'm not on that much anyway. Have been on and off since Spike's time. The good old days of worrying about being sent to Disney! LOL! DH knows about THS, but would not think to post. I can relate to the shy ones. Cellophane - that hit home. Have to work on it.

Been here since the the early days, and this kind of makes me sad.But my dh and DD that used to post here, would post about me and I'm sure only a handful of people would even recognize my name and know who they were talking about. LOL
Too bad the KT isn't as welcoming, and personal as it used to be. I need to look to myself, and figure out what I need and do to change it for me.

sjerin.... I was very shy as a child, backward, told I was ugly and worthless and stupid, so I FELT ugly and worthless and stupid. My first, very abusive, marriage reinforced all those feelings. It wasn't until I got myself, and my children away from that monster....... that I started to build some self-esteem. Fast forward...... I was a single mom for 12 years, then married my best friend when I was 40. Over this time,and with his help, I have started to come out of my shell. Two years ago, I got some much needed dental work, that has made me feel better about myself.
I have become more assertive, more vocal. I am no longer a doormat. And, I KNOW, that I am NOT worthless, ugly or stupid. I am a child of God, I am a valuable human being, I am kind and good. I could go on..... but shouldn't overdo it here. THank you Sjerin for taking your time to reply to me.
Drewsmaga...my grandchildren are still too young to 'blow me off', and with my adult children.... I still do, like you, make the effort to call or text or email FIRST. But I do not jump when they snap their fingers any more. I am putting myself and my sweet DH first. We are not getting any younger. And also, like you I put a lot of effort into my relationships. But, I have always done that, with friends and family. The DIFFERENCE is, now I do not shrink into the background. I hold my head up, and I speak out. I feel that I have something to say worth listening to..........
And Drewsmaga... YOU too have something to say. Try it. Just speak up... in your family,or in your organizations. Voice your opinion. Tell your family that you will no longer be ignored. And tell them that when you are ignored and disrespected, that it hurts you.
I am no pyschologist, I got my education mostly through the "school of hard knocks", but you have to stand up for yourself. Treat yourself well, even if no one else does. EVERY Day tell yourself you are kind, you are worth something. HEy, if you would like, I will email you every day and share some of my affirmations with you?>?

Oh, jennava, that's just beautiful! As so very sorry I am that you had and were given such a difficult time in the first part of your life, you have shown how resilient people can be by teaching yourself how to blossom. I'm thrilled to know you found someone special after all the heartache to boost your confidence and make you realize how important you are, but surely the first step was when YOU decided you would "no longer be a doormat."

Drewsmaga, it can be extremely difficult to make that first change, but you CAN do it!! Take small steps and stand your ground when you do it. If you don't have someone in your life to tell you how wonderful you are, come here and talk! Or email me as well! I have not had a traumatic life such as Jenna's, but have been a shy girl and all that entails for much of my life. I don't know if it's my age that makes me a bit tired and cranky, but I did eventually find it easier to stand up for myself in small ways; I learned to simply expect a little more out of people who are close to me, and to challenge those who would brush me off. Whodathunk? I once asked my mother why I was so afraid of everyone and everything growing up when my sisters were not, and she had no answer for me. I guess it's just in the genes somewhere. As a substitute teacher I try to seek out the shy ones to make sure they're not frightened and to say a kind word to them.

Thanks, Jenna, for your wonderful story. I'm sure the toughest thing you've ever had to do in your life was to leave your abuser--that in itself took tremendous courage and self-confidence. And I know it is easy to slip back into doormat mode, especially when we're tired or don't want to face conflict. But if we keep our eyes on the big picture, we learn not to back down and even become a bit of a squeaky wheel when necessary. Drewsmaga, I hope you will either post to this or write to Jennava and/or me because life can be so much better than you seem to see it right now!

(I'm not replying to this morning's post in hopes that Drewsmaga sees it.)

It makes me rather sad that so many of you feel that, were you to take wings and fly away ... (or inhabit a bed, whether in hospital or at home, for a while) that quite likely hardly anyone here would notice much.

I read a numnber of your names with a measure of pleasure, as when one sees an old friend's face.

I hope that those of you who don't post much will reconsider, and share your thoughts with us more often.

As for me - unless Iva Mae disappears first ... you'd hear about my absence ... and that quite early, I'm rather sure ...

... and I'd do the same for her.

But we only live about 15 miles apart, and attend the same church.

It was a more or less chance question on her part, that caused me to ask a somewhat different question, that caused us to realize that we often saw one another before we knew that each of us operate here.

My younger ones know that I come here, and the one nearby might make some effort to come to update you all ... but quite possibly not.

That's my take on the situation - for now, anyway.

ole joyfuelled

P.S. Not quite all - as a farm-raised kid, though I participated in a rural community where many people were about as close as extended family, we knew many of the neighbours very well ...

... but when I was a little kid, and anyone spoke to me, I tended to slide around behind Dad's leg ...

... and peek out from there ...

... but it was rather difficult to reply.

And when, a few months after moving to another province, we formed a Young people's group in our small rural church (one-room high school with about 30 kids in 4 grades) ...

... and they elected me president (was it partly a case of sticking the new guy with a job that others weren't at all sure that they'd want?) ...

... when it came to presiding over those first few meetings - I was almost sweating blood!

But one can learn to become more involved - a step at a time.

o j

I did.

Yes.

Put me in the poof category. Eventually it might filter through FB.

Dead is dead.....I really don't want to burden my family with having to deal with condolences from people they have no knowledge of. Hopefully my demise would only be published some time after I am back in the atmosphere,my ashes blown asunder by the winds, engulfed by the sea.

Hey!

We could alert all of the funeral directors!

They'd even have an excuse to add some to the bill!

ole joyful

sjerin.... thank YOU.... for being so nice! I too hope Drewsmaga reads more of these posts, and replies. I have just recently, through the death of a dear friend my age, been reminded that Life is Short.......... enjoy it, and make the very most you can of everyday.

Drewsmaga...... let us know how you are... please.

I've been reading the posts here for more years than I've been registered to post (back when we had to pay), but I've been posting since 2004. Hubs knows the name of this forum, and he knows I read stuff here every day (I don't post often), but he wouldn't come here to post to let anyone know if anything happened to me, which is fine with me.

Though I have been reading posts here for a few years, there are many people on this forum who have made my days a little bit better by their comments and advice they have given in general. I would miss them if they were no longer posting. I very rarely post, so I would disappear and that's OK.

jennava and sjerin I'd love to email with both of you. jennava, I think I kinda had your childhood (alcoholic father telling me I"m "no damn good", physical, emotional, spiritual abuse.) And sjerin, you seem so nice and someone I'd like to know. I'm dazlx4 at yahoo dotcom.

If I didn't try to keep contacting my adult kids there would be no contact. This has been going on for 20 yrs. with the 2 oldest (since moving away for college) and 2 yrs. with the 3rd (since he moved out of the house @ 32. He has medical issues.) What's weird is that since I first posted here, 2nd son (father of my 4 grands, 9-13 yrs. old) has returned a phone call and kinda apologized & told me that it's crazy/busy for them (knew that) and to call home/his cell/ dil's cell & eventually I'd get to talk to him/her/grandkid. That was progress! Called my grandson to wish him a happy birthday and he said he was at a party (I could hear it in the background) and he said would call me back. I hope he does tomorrow.

I lived 900 miles away from those grands for 7 years, went 4-6 times/yr to see them, took care of DDIL for last months of pregnancies (cooking, cleaning, taking kids to pre-school, laundry, etc.) & moved by them when the grands were 3-7 ( and took care of them so parents could go on vacations, etc.) They moved 1000 mi.away about a year ago & it's been like I'm invisible to them. Until I posted & son seems to want me to make a bigger effort. Sigh

There are some very powerful messages out there, with lots of hope and need.

I can add to this.

I am from a very abusive childhood. Now a days, my siblings and I would be taken away from our parents.

Both parents were extremely unhappy in their marriage, and took their frustrations out on us kids. My dad on my older half brother (which was my moms first child) and my mom on me. Then when my brother moved out, my sis that is just one year younger than me got to be dad's punching bag.

I remember asking my mother why she won't get a divorce.. and her reply was: I think it is better for kids to have a mom and a dad...

Way not true! It is better to have one parent happy, than two so totally unhappy they aggravate each other all the time, with dad beating mom... and both beat on kids.

I don't think, my mother ever forgave herself/me, that she ended up with my dad. But, after getting pregnant the second time, she married.... my dad. She has so much as told us (siblings) that she doesn't like/love me. That was hard to swallow. No matter, without her, I would not be here.... but I don't have to like her, and I don't visit/write with her. Not even when I am in Germany.

When I married "my sweetheart" and moved to Oklahoma I swore I never would go back divorced and with kids. That was a HUGE problem in my home town... divorced woman back with kids, back from America. They were shunned.

Sooo, when it first was apparent that my sweetheart wasn't the dream husband I stayed (during my first pregnancy). I even stayed after the second... but tried to put my foot down to not have a third. Thank goodness he decided not to have a third his self. I was way to worried to leave... as I thought as a foreigner my kids would be taken away from me.

Then, years later I turned my cycling passion to do something special with my youngest daughter, and we rode our first cross state bike ride. What a hoot! What fun we had. I "blossomed"! We did the ride again, and again, making lots of friends. Then he decided to join.. and our fun diminished. But, I didn't change back to the way I was at home. I still hung around with my bike friends, and had as much fun as I could; having my ball and chain there.

After my first attempt to cross the country I acquired so much inner strength (just not the awareness of my own situation to get out). This strength is what I use now, in my solo life.

But, it took my statement back in 2010 after a really ugly evening: If I had known where to go last night I would have left; for things to change.

The next morning he had left with suitcases, when I got up. Oh, yeah, we slept in separate bedrooms, but I am still amazed he pulled it off without me hearing anything.

Anyway it showed me, he didn't want me around, and I called a divorce lawyer that morning.

Best thing I ever did (even if a plan would have been sooo much better)!

Through the friends I have made in cycling, master gardeners groups and here, and the companionship from all of you, I am managing my solo time. Without you, I would be very lonely.

Most of my friends are married, and besides the bicycling and the master gardening activities I am very much alone. A divorcee just doesn't fit in very good, with married couples.

The part that hurt me the most, was/is the fact, he is moving in to my circle of biking friends now. Never cared to be around them much when we were married, but now hangs out there. That is tough. Specially tough to be with people that ended up going to his wedding.

But, all that aside, I plan to strive. I am me! and I am important to me!

This is the reason my girls know my passwords, and why they know to post here and to my friends in my email address book and tell, if something happened to me.

But it sure would be great if I was near my younger daughter and the grand kids. The older one learned to be by herself very well, during her time in Korea. To bad, living expenses are so much higher where Lori lives.

Live is good, no matter what. I am worth it. and I won't disappear!

:)

Moni

PS, I am really surprised at myself to be posting all this here....

Love you, Moni. What a wonderful post and success story.

Wow Moni - you and the others make me really appreciate my "easy" life. I had a Beaver Cleaver childhood and have a husband that treats me like a queen. I am grateful and sorry that everyone hasn't had it as nice in life. However, you do inspire me to smile at people more, offer a hand as well as an ear. Thank you!

Drewsmaga... will email you today. :)

Moni..... I have followed your posts about cycling. (My 49 year old nephew did the Leadville 100 last year, which peaked my interest and admiration). I do not cycle, too old (61), bad back, and just generally out of shape. I so admire your strength and courage. Thank you for posting your story. You, TOO, are not a victim, you are a survivor.
At least you had then sense to get out before (i hope) the abuse started. Yes, there are many types of abuse, I imagine you suffered much emotinonal abuse if not the other. Forgive me for assuming.
I could tell you some stories, all true, that would make you think I am a total idiot for staying as long as I did...12 years. Stories of broken ribs and nose, being pushed out of a moving vehicle when 9 months pregnant, being shot at. Not to mention all the verbal and emotional stuff. If you have read the book or seen the movie THe Burning Bed, I could have written that. I didn't, but I could have. (well not the retaliation part, I did not do that)
All I can say in my defense, when it started with the ex, I was a very young woman with3 kids, no where to go, no money, zero self esteem and I fell into that trap.......they convince you that :
A. the abuse is your fault
B. if you were a better/smarter/prettier wife//daughter/whatever, it wouldn't happen.
and C. when you start getting stronger and it looks like you might leave, they apologize tell you they love you and it will not happen again. But of course it does, and it always escalates.
I got away in the middle of the night, in a snowstorm, in my nightgown, with my children's clothing in a paper grocery sack. And no money. And no friends to turn to. I wasn't allowed to have friends. But I did it!!!

So.....no more of my story. We all have scars, in my opinion, some just not visible.
Juellie.... I so envy the Leave it to Beaver life. You were very blessed.
Again, Moni, thank you for sharing. I have not been a big poster here, but I have read these forums every day for years. You and the others have been an inspiration to me.

Loved both Jennava and Moni's post. Brought back some memories and feelings of my childhood...because I am another that comes from an abusive background. Don't post here too much, so I be a poof. Facebook, I would not disappear because the friends I have on there are friends I know personally in the flesh from when I worked, church, high school, college, life.

Thistledew... I would miss your posts. And sorry to drag up old unpleasant memories for you. I do not dwell on all that. But it is always there, isn't it, way way in the back of your mind? I am so past that now. And like Moni said, Life is good! WE are worth it! Be kind to yourself, and tell yourself that you now live in limitless love, joy and light. All is well with your world!

I probably would except from the one place I post most - someone there would track me down

Jennava, there was no abuse in my marriage, just no love from his end. Abuse I would not have taken. I had enough of that as a child. I did promise myself at the first raising of a hand/fist I would be out of there.

But, even without that, it wasn't a good thing for a VERY LONG TIME.

Moni

Sorry Moni.... I should not have posted that, then. I hope that every day will get better for you. You seem like a very strong person.

I would probably just dissappear if not for JoAnn_fla, she would find out from DH and she would post here. Other then that, I wouldn't be missed here. Guess I don't start many posts even though I do reply to many.

JoAnn is my best friend that I met here.

drewsmaga--may I gently suggest that you hold back from the phone calls a bit? Sometimes when we do too much for our kids and give them our undivided attention they take us for granted. I think this is especially easy for us moms to do, especially if it involves lots of monetary "help." It's wonderful that your son had called you but I would not make too much effort to call him back immediately. As for your other kids, after some time has gone by without calls from you they will start to get the picture. I realize this would be very hard on you as we all love our children (and grandchildren) very much, but I think it's the only way things will change. Try to stay busy with friends and activities; if you don't work, do you volunteer?

I have a friend who has been on disability for ages because she couldn't be away from her mother but after her mother died she has learned to have a little more of a life. It's taken 2 and 1/2 years for her to decide to volunteer once a week--she lives with her dad who is out of the house a lot--and calls me pretty much every day. I don't really have time to talk so much but try to be patient. However, I'm really pushing her lately because I believe she's simply gotten used to not having any commitments. I hope this volunteer gig pushes her to do more. If she were busy, she would be so much happier than she is now.

Moni, how hard it must have been to share your story. I'm so sorry you have been ill-treated by both your parents and your husband (in a passive way,) but very glad to see you are one STRONG woman who knows herself and is creating a better life. How rotten that your ex is moving in on your friends--too bad they don't give him a bit of a cold shoulder.

OJ, you were a shy kid? What happened?? Just joshing ya! How amazing that you and Iva Mae realized you had two separate connections. I'm awfully glad you know each other.

DH knows enough to tell my friend Laree and she would post for me if something happened.

In a way I have "disappeared". I left my family problems behind me (and never looked back) but in moving to the country...I have no friends here. No one to call on the phone and say "let's go out" or to just chat. I left Joliet and all the people I cared about to make DH happy. Doesn't matter if I am or not.

SamKaren
your resident DJ

Any one of you who needs a friend to talk to can email me thru my page here at the KT, and I will respond. It might take me a few days if we are on the road, but know I WILL do so.

Those of you who think you aren't noticed just because you don't start many posts, think again, please. You aren't as invisible as you think. I don't start that many posts either. But we read, and we comment, we are noticed. We are all important, and I think pretty much everyone here is kind, except those few who join just to make trouble, and then go away again, cause that was all they came here to do, then go somewhere else to do it. Not those who are always here. I have never met a KT'er who was not kind. And I've met a few! And would love to meet more of you. And I just might, too!

Hugs to Jenna, Drewsmaga, Moni (whom I've met, and yes, she is a strong lady!). And SamKaren, yes, it does matter whether you are happy or not. At least to me.

Tami

I have told my daughter to call everyone in my phone. Because some are my AZ friends that she doesn't know, and other friends from all over the world. Tater (Donna) is in my phone, so at least she'll know. That is if she hasn't moved and changed her number when I croak. So I think I'll get Nita's number and add her to my phone.

Beautifully said, Tami!

Put me in the "poof" she's gone column too.Tami you sound like a great person...Mary

I would just disappear as quickly as I came... I don't post all that much here and my fella has no clue about Garden Web yet...but news might trickle in from FB...

As it is, I disappear from time to time as it is while I am alive... LOL I am on the road a lot now with my new guy and we don't have a laptop yet... I come to read more than post. I noticed that some forums don't allow just reading these days, and that is okay... there is plenty of interesting internet sites to visit...

(((((Moni))))) Your story is heartg wrenching, and Jenn is right... there are a great many of us out there that have suffered abuse... I am just thankful that part of my own life is over and I have a man that treats me like fine crystal now...

Carolyn

Yes, I would just disappear but I would want it that way. I don't even want it published in the local papers. Must find out about dotmom. Last I heard she was moving.