"Thoughts" are fine.

"Almost going through with it"...if that phrase carries the actual intensity that I believe it does, says volumes.

"Pass"? From whom?

"What does it say"? She's not ready. She's not serious. She doesn't know what she's about. She's a pushover for whatever fantasy comes her way next. Not wife material. All things she should know about herself but apparently doesn't.

So will the marriage last?

I think that we can form attachments to people, such as being attracted to them, when we are under a lot of stress.

This has happened twice to me in my life. So I do speak from experience. This was many years ago, and now I have the benefit of hindsight, and I see that the infatuation was totally inappropriate and happened at a time when I was under real stress.

This sort of stress could surface when one is planning a marriage.

So, just a different perspective for you to ponder.

"So will the marriage last?"

Haven't a clue. You're the one that knows them, not me. What do you think?

"I think that we can form attachments to people, such as being attracted to them, when we are under a lot of stress."
-----------------------------------------------------------

I don't buy it. Stress brings you to stray? You love someone, you love them. You don't get infatuated with someone else and make a move on them whether it's emotionally or of physical nature. It doesn't matter what stage of the relationship you're at... dating, engaged, married.

________

"What do you think?"
-----------------------------------------------------------

I think the woman doesn't truly love the man she married. My question is does she really like the other man she has eyes for, or is she just a player?

I do think it is possible for the woman to find her real love at the wrong time. She thought she married him, but discovered it's not him, it's the other man.

Temptations toward viable candidates/alternatives are all around all the time before and after marriage. Among other things, marriage is a choice/decision to not respond to them.

In any event, it's their deal. Are you considering meddling?

I have a feeling it's not meddling because "inquisitive" is probably one of the parties in question... I'm guessing the man... because if he were the woman he would know how she felt. I think he's trying to figure out why his wife would have had such feelings and if they really mean anything.

Inquisitive, I personally think your wife's thoughts were probably due to insecurities on her part more than anything else. Obviously, if she tells you differently, then roll with what she says. But, generally , this happened before you were married and nothing actually happened. Drop it for now; if there is some deep seeded problem it will rear it's head up again soon enough. So, until/unless that happens just stop focusing on it and try to build a good and secure marriage together. Let it go...

Actually, I'm gonna go one further and say I actually think inquisitive is a woman and that it was her "husband" who thought about having a fling, but she just switched the roles around in this post. Which if the case, my same advice goes...although I'd like to add.. All men are pigs!! ;-)

Yo, Carla...you're standing in my mud! ;-)

Yo, inquisitive....what's the deal?

"Yo, inquisitive....what's the deal?"
-----------------------------------------------------------
I'm on the outside looking in. The woman made the moves before the big day. I really thought I met someone. I was confused because of the situation. But from the energy and the way we looked at each other for the longest time could feel it was there. Last thing I ever want to do is do something so dastardly as making a move on another man's wife. But the feeling I get when I see her. It's very intense. I don't know. This is horrible.

Ohhhhhhhhhhh, let her be. I have a feeling it means more to you than her. And, how do you even know that it even meant anything to her or that she almost had a fling? Did you embrace, kiss, discuss it, or was there just "a look"? Because if it was only a look, it was probably just some harmless flirting...

And worse case scenario, she really did almost have a fling with you. But fact is, even if she had the fling premarriage, she's married now and choose him. You know that and that makes her off limits. It's really not worth the heartache...

I never really did understand why there was one whole commandment for it (why couldn't it have just been part of the adultery or the other covet one)... but considering it's got it's very own number...I really do think there's probably a good reason why you're not suppose to covet your neighbor's wife. So, move on...

"Ohhhhhhhhhhh, let her be. I have a feeling it means more to you than her. And, how do you even know that it even meant anything to her or that she almost had a fling? Did you embrace, kiss, discuss it, or was there just "a look"? Because if it was only a look, it was probably just some harmless flirting..."
-----------------------------------------------------------

More than looks. There were talks. Hints. Strong hints. Her seeking me out. You don't have to hit someone over the head with a hammer to realize what was up.

Again, just don't understand all the effort and time spent into seducing (right word?) someone than get married and brush all of it off like it never happened.

"And worse case scenario, she really did almost have a fling with you. But fact is, even if she had the fling premarriage, she's married now and choose him. You know that and that makes her off limits. It's really not worth the heartache..."
-----------------------------------------------------------

Chose him? The hell? Um, isn't a wedding like planned a year in advance? Who commits to marriage then leads someone else on right before they get hitched?

You would think she chose him, but her behavior says something else.

From your description, it doesn't sound like much effort was expended. In any event, she's across the river now. Forget it. And be happy she's someone else's problem. (She might have been yours.) Some people get off on this kind of thing. It's an ego-reinforcing exercise they don't like to give up. Like to be reminded how desirable they are whether they mean it or not. Sounds to me like she was exercising at your expense. The world's full of 'em. They make lousy spouses.

"Again, just don't understand all the effort and time spent into seducing (right word?) someone than get married and brush all of it off like it never happened."

Yeah, I don't understand it either, but what I REALLY don't understand is why someone would be attracted to someone that would do that.

----------------------------------------------------------

"Chose him? The hell? Um, isn't a wedding like planned a year in advance? Who commits to marriage then leads someone else on right before they get hitched? You would think she chose him, but her behavior says something else."

Yeah, the hell she choose him... 'her behavior' of marrying him proves it and really does speak louder than words and a lot louder than her hair tosses and flirtatious giggles. She could have, but didn't call off the wedding. She's just not that into you. And if she were, why would you want her? I think you mainly want her because you know you can't have her. What's her mother's name or her favorite flower? Get over it.

By the way....have you heard anything about Limerence?

"Yeah, the hell she choose him... 'her behavior' of marrying him proves it and really does speak louder than words and a lot louder than her hair tosses and flirtatious giggles. She could have, but didn't call off the wedding. She's just not that into you. And if she were, why would you want her? I think you mainly want her because you know you can't have her. What's her mother's name or her favorite flower? Get over it."
-----------------------------------------------------------

So, you're saying because she went through with the marriage means she's loyal and trusting now for the rest of hr life? Please. Her behavior shows she has no respect or true love for the husband.

Not that into me? She shouldn't be into me at all!

Why would I want her? Now this is a great question. I guess I'm a sucker for love. I got fooled and was stupid to think something relevant would come of this.
___________

"By the way....have you heard anything about Limerence?"

No.

you're way off with the "hair tosses and flirtatious giggles" it stated wih the smiles and laughter, then got to serious hints. No laughter, all business.

Has nothing to do with "can't having her" has to do with someone targeting me and luring me in. I wasn't bothering this person. She chose to start this. Why?

Easy to say "get over it" when your head wasn't messed with.

"From your description, it doesn't sound like much effort was expended. In any event, she's across the river now. Forget it. And be happy she's someone else's problem. (She might have been yours.) Some people get off on this kind of thing. It's an ego-reinforcing exercise they don't like to give up. Like to be reminded how desirable they are whether they mean it or not. Sounds to me like she was exercising at your expense. The world's full of 'em. They make lousy spouses."
-----------------------------------------------------------

I'm not going to go into detail, but there was ridiculous effort made on her part. But I hear your point. I agree with the lousy spouse. Maybe even go further and say lousy human being.

"She chose to start this."

What "this" is it that she started? There's nothing going on. She didn't start anything from her own point of view. She was jerking you around for fun from a position of safety.

" Why?"

Because she enjoys it. It makes her feel good about herself. And it was free.

You were flirted with, encouraged, and abandoned....is that how you see it? Really doesn't matter if she messed with your head or you messed with your own head. Think whatever you want about her. Whatever it was or wasn't is over. Move along.

The fact that I have to spell this stuff out to you makes me wonder if you are really even reading her right at all.

"So, you're saying because she went through with the marriage means she's loyal and trusting now for the rest of hr life? Please."

Never said anything remotely like that.
-----------------------------------------------

"Not that into me? She shouldn't be into me at all!"

He's Just "Not that into you" is a catch phrase used by many people in the dating world after a book came out to describe woman who spend too much time trying to figure out why someone doesn't call, doesn't leave their lover for them, etc...when the bottom line really is that the other person just really isn't into them. It's blunt, to the point and no body likes to hear it, but it's usually right on. See the below link. (Sorry I had to resort to an Oprah link but it explains the concept well).
------------------------------------------

"you're way off with the "hair tosses and flirtatious giggles" it stated wih the smiles and laughter, then got to serious hints. No laughter, all business."

ok, the hair toss line wasn't to be taken literally...but what were these serious hints? Did she grab your crotch or something? (And, just so you know, I don't really want an answer to this question)

----------------------------------------------------

"Has nothing to do with "can't having her" has to do with someone targeting me and luring me in. I wasn't bothering this person. She chose to start this. Why?"

No, the question is WHY would you be lured in by a taken woman unless you enjoyed the thrill... Sorry, just don't believe you on this one. What is the attraction to her other than that you can't have her.... must be physical because she certainly doesn't sound like a gem to me.

-----------------------------------------------------
Easy to say "get over it" when your head wasn't messed with.

Like you think you're the first person who's ever been messed with? What would you prefer I say... oh, my, she must be in love with you. Make a fool of yourself and do something really stupid so she laughs in your face or you cause big problems in her marriage so that she regrets ever even knowing you... no the best advice still is... Get over it. You're not 15, this is not love, no one died...Get over it is in order.

Here is a link that might be useful: Just not that into you

Inq-
Have you ever been married?

Before I got married, I thought, "when you're married, you aren't attracted to anyone else." Thus, while I dated, and was engaged, the fact that i was attracted to others told me that my present partners 'weren't the one'. So i'd break up, in search of the 'one'.

Now I know I was an idiot.

She didn't marry the wrong man, just because she put the moves on you. She was just a confused, scared, small person. More like, he married a 'wrong one.' If she is behaving herself, then he married a 'right' one and so on.

Get over it. Life is not a movie. This is not fate gone wrong. This is just a girl acting foolish, and a third party getting carried away. It's not real, and you have NO idea who she is or what she's really about. That is not reality, it's not love, it's not anything. It's just a thang that has you hung up.

She was stressed about the impending marriage, she thought "I am going be with this man the rest of my life". So...she became infatuated with you. She was attracted to you. She probably regrets it now, she is hitched.

If she didn't think like that, then she is a real philanderer, and count your blessings that you aren't marriage to her.

Put it behind you, the experience will help you sort out the chaff from the hay.

Good luck, mate.

"What "this" is it that she started? There's nothing going on. She didn't start anything from her own point of view. She was jerking you around for fun from a position of safety."
-----------------------------------------------------------

You're wrong.
_____

"but what were these serious hints?"
-----------------------------------------------------------

Not going into it.
_____

"Get over it. You're not 15, this is not love, no one died...Get over it is in order."
-----------------------------------------------------------

Thanks, Mom :)

In life most if not all of the time I go on my gut feeling. From what I saw, heard, touched, I know I'm right when I say this woman is more into me than her husband.

Something about her sets her light years apart from the others I've been with in the past.

Well then.

You have three choices.

1. Rescue her from her fake marriage. Let us know how that all turns out in 5 years.

2. Go through the rest of your life as a star crossed dejected lover who missed fate in a matter of days. Waller in misery thinking how the entire universe will be affected throughout eternity because you missed out on your only true love.

3. See a therapist and get your head straight.

"1. Rescue her from her fake marriage. Let us know how that all turns out in 5 years.

2. Go through the rest of your life as a star crossed dejected lover who missed fate in a matter of days. Waller in misery thinking how the entire universe will be affected throughout eternity because you missed out on your only true love.

3. See a therapist and get your head straight."
-----------------------------------------------------------

Ok, now you're just coming off as a bitter person. Insults are pointless. You sound like someone who's been screwed over one too many times in your life. Then again, I could be wrong since I don't know you. Just like you don't know me.

I merely threw this topic out here to get some opinions. Some were insightful, others just full of spite and venom.

No therapist needed. Reading posts like yours I discover how good my life is and how miserable some others are.

How do you get bitter (or that her life is miserable) from amyfiddler's post?

I'm just not seeing that at all... I'm seeing...
Sarcastic, maybe...
Condescending... maybe be
Blunt... yes
On the mark... probably
Bitter...just not seeing

I think the bottom line with your situation is that often when we overly like someone we tend to sometimes read things as bigger than they actually are. Sometimes there's a rapport or chemistry that goes beyond anything we've ever experienced before so we think the relationship is so special and that we are meant to be soul mates or something similar. Fact is, when you actually go out with and get to know those people... (who maybe make you see fireworks for the first time in your life when you kiss)... you realize those people really aren't all that, and that maybe the fireworks weren't really fireworks after all, but rather just rain drops on your glasses glaring from the oncoming traffic.

I would bet that you are somewhat lonely, and that this woman did come on to you in a way. She may have even felt some chemistry and you may have had something very odd in common so it made you feel close and very connected... but that's it, and although it may be enough for an intense infatuation, it's not enough for a long term relationship. She married a man that she has probably dreamed about for years and who she wants to have children and grow old together with. You probably don't mean anything to her except to be someone that can help feed her ego because she's probably very insecure.

It's hard for us to believe that your obsession is anything more than just an obssession without you telling us the details. You can come here and tell us some specifics, but not all; why not? What exactly did happen between you two that would make us feel differently?

Will you see this woman on an ongoing basis in the future or is your relationship such that you may never see her again? And, have you looked up Limerence yet?

Love,
MOM

Thanks C-

No, not bitter. In fact,rather, like you, I've been in a place where my feelings did not match a possible good outcome. I "felt" as if the fates had played a trick on me. I went to a therapist, and now I see how confused I was. I wasn't happy, I was miserable, because I felt ripped off by life's ironies - the therapist helped me get my head out of my arse. It's my opinion that this is an option for you, but I know you probably don't accept that.

Therapy is a very, very useful thing when your feelings will otherwise lead you down a very sad road.

PS This is a place where people are honest, not just full of warm fuzzies to make you feel better. You asked, we answered.

Let's assume for a minute that she really was that into you -- that there was a chemical magnetism so strong, an attraction so visceral that she felt compelled to act on it -- and did, to some extent. What incredible potential for a glorious afternoon of mad passionate whoopie. It almost happened. It could have happened. It came darn close to happening. So how far did things really go? Did it get physical but stop short of the full Monty? Were there just looks that sizzled and wistful "coulda beens..." that you know she really meant.

So let's go ahead and stipulate that she wanted to take you home and jump your bones.
But then she married the other guy - we don't know why.
And it really doesn't matter.
The only part that does matter is that now she's HIS problem, and thankfully, thankfully not yours.

If you were her fiance, and had seen her acting the way she looked and acted with you, how would you feel? Would she still be the lady you're proud to walk through life with? Would you want that lady to be the mother of your children? Would you feel thankful she married you? Proud to present her to your mother and grandparents? Comfortable leaving her at home while you travel for work? Or allowing her to work closely or socialize with other men? Is this a woman you can trust to act honorably and always with your best interests in mind? Someone you give your entire heart to.

Or just some steamy fantasy?
Believe me, it's much better material for a steamy fantasy than for a real relationship.

What you need is "steamy fantasy" and a nice girl your can take home to your mum. Thats the best combination for you.

Sounds like you know what you want to do.

"How do you get bitter (or that her life is miserable) from amyfiddler's post?
I'm just not seeing that at all... I'm seeing...
Sarcastic, maybe...
Condescending... maybe be
Blunt... yes
On the mark... probably
Bitter...just not seeing"
-----------------------------------------------------------

It came off to me as harsh. Maybe blunt was harsh.
____

"I think the bottom line with your situation is that often when we overly like someone we tend to sometimes read things as bigger than they actually are. Sometimes there's a rapport or chemistry that goes beyond anything we've ever experienced before so we think the relationship is so special and that we are meant to be soul mates or something similar. Fact is, when you actually go out with and get to know those people... (who maybe make you see fireworks for the first time in your life when you kiss)... you realize those people really aren't all that, and that maybe the fireworks weren't really fireworks after all, but rather just rain drops on your glasses glaring from the oncoming traffic."
-----------------------------------------------------------

This isn't guy sees girl and falls in love. This is guy minding his own business and girl really going out of her way to get guy's attention and lead him on.
______

"I would bet that you are somewhat lonely, and that this woman did come on to you in a way. She may have even felt some chemistry and you may have had something very odd in common so it made you feel close and very connected... but that's it, and although it may be enough for an intense infatuation, it's not enough for a long term relationship. She married a man that she has probably dreamed about for years and who she wants to have children and grow old together with. You probably don't mean anything to her except to be someone that can help feed her ego because she's probably very insecure."
-----------------------------------------------------------

Sorry, but you're more off target than a Shaquille O'Neal free throw. If she married the man of her dreams then she would have NEVER even wanted to get to know me. Ask any woman who is in love. Only one person matters to them.
_____

"It's hard for us to believe that your obsession is anything more than just an obssession without you telling us the details. You can come here and tell us some specifics, but not all; why not? What exactly did happen between you two that would make us feel differently?"
-----------------------------------------------------------

Obsession? No. Curious? Yes.
_____

"Will you see this woman on an ongoing basis in the future or is your relationship such that you may never see her again? And, have you looked up Limerence yet?"
-----------------------------------------------------------

It's up to her. Then again, if I get serious with one of the girls currently dating now, then no.
_____

"Love,
MOM"
-----------------------------------------------------------

Now that was funny. I can appreciate a sense of humor. High-Five!

"PS This is a place where people are honest, not just full of warm fuzzies to make you feel better. You asked, we answered."
-----------------------------------------------------------

I hear you.

"Let's assume for a minute that she really was that into you -- that there was a chemical magnetism so strong, an attraction so visceral that she felt compelled to act on it -- and did, to some extent. What incredible potential for a glorious afternoon of mad passionate whoopie. It almost happened. It could have happened. It came darn close to happening. So how far did things really go? Did it get physical but stop short of the full Monty? Were there just looks that sizzled and wistful "coulda beens..." that you know she really meant.
So let's go ahead and stipulate that she wanted to take you home and jump your bones.
But then she married the other guy - we don't know why.
And it really doesn't matter.
The only part that does matter is that now she's HIS problem, and thankfully, thankfully not yours.

If you were her fiance, and had seen her acting the way she looked and acted with you, how would you feel? Would she still be the lady you're proud to walk through life with? Would you want that lady to be the mother of your children? Would you feel thankful she married you? Proud to present her to your mother and grandparents? Comfortable leaving her at home while you travel for work? Or allowing her to work closely or socialize with other men? Is this a woman you can trust to act honorably and always with your best interests in mind? Someone you give your entire heart to.

Or just some steamy fantasy?
Believe me, it's much better material for a steamy fantasy than for a real relationship."
-----------------------------------------------------------

Now this was a GREAT post! I think you hit the nail on the head 5x over.

If you're dating and meeting nice women, and then comes along someone unexpected. The attraction is there, the chemistry is there that isn't there with these other women. What's not there is the fact is that she's with someone else.

My thoughts are what if something is there? Do I make an effort to find out or just leave it. That's the whole reason behind this topic.

As to the fiancee question: What's diconcerting is I could never trust this person as I thought about being the other guy and immediately felt like sh--.

It's an unfortunate thing, that's all. Two people into each other, but one is stuck in a situation not entirely into.

I guess my whole point is that this gal may be the hottest thing since molten lava --
and she may be really, really attracted to you --

But none of that makes her a good person - even a decent one - and therein lies the problem.

It's not her 'situation' that's the problem --
it's her character.
(or lack thereof)

"I guess my whole point is that this gal may be the hottest thing since molten lava --
and she may be really, really attracted to you --
But none of that makes her a good person - even a decent one - and therein lies the problem.

It's not her 'situation' that's the problem --
it's her character.
(or lack thereof)"

Okay, I definitely understand what you're saying here. But I can't help but feeling she married for the wrong reasons. She's into someone else. Is that wrong? Yes. But, if you're naturally drawn to someone else, and committing to someone because they're a safe choice, screws up everyone.

One wondering 'what if'
wife wanting something else
husband living the ignorance is bliss dream

I just don't see having a secret affair right before marriage and brushing it off once the nuptials are made. Agree?

Um...doesn't really matter much, does it? What you "see" or what you don't? Whether she's God's gift or a total slut? Whether her husband is in for a ride or not?

Thing happened. Now it's past. How long are you intending to flog this fruitless topic?

Ask any woman who is in love. Only one person matters to them.

-------------------------------------------------------

I think the answer you are searching for lies within your own comment. Just be sure you are objectively understanding what you wrote. Here's a big hint just in case there's no one around to throw a brick at your head: She just got married to someone else.

And here's one for you guys. I had a crush on this guy in college; we'd hang out from time to time at college. He was from my hometown and one weekend we were both home and we ran into each other at a bar. He asked if he could call me. I said yes and without me giving it to him he recited back to me my home number (not my college number) which I was shocked at (well, that he knew it by heart and that he somehow tracked down my parent's name to get the right number from the book)...Plus, we were only in town a couple days, etc. so to know my home number by heart seemed strange. It could have been sort of stalking-like on his part if I hadn't had a crush on him. But the kicker, he never even called. What was that all about?

He probably weanted to hook up so he looked up the number but then changed his mind or maybe you didn't seem intrested in him.

I had a high school boyfriend who stalked me for awhile. I left BF because he wasn't that nice to me, he accepted it with no questions. But as soon as I got married he would show up at my door when my Dh was not home and bring flowers and called constantly. I didn't want my Dh to get involved so I begged XBF to leave me alone. After many years he again found my new phone number and located me and started calling and saying something like "I can't forget you and you are always on my mind and can we please meet". I was divorced by then (he probably knew from other people) and had a child but had no interest in XBF. I srated simply hanging up the phone when he called. I found out from friends that he was already married then and his wife was pregnant with the second child when he was making all these phone calls. What a jerk!

"Thing happened. Now it's past. How long are you intending to flog this fruitless topic?"
-----------------------------------------------------------

Until some other guy's wife throws herself at me.

"Here's a big hint just in case there's no one around to throw a brick at your head: She just got married to someone else."
-----------------------------------------------------------

Yea, and like others have posted thankfully that's not my problem.

Finedreams: That's unfortunate. But lets be clear here and not spin this into insinuations. There are girls stalking guys. How many are out there who trap guys?

Maybe she wasn't sure about what she wanted or maybe her attraction to you was more physical and she came to her senses before it went too far. If she married him, she made her choice and it wasn't you. I don't know why you would want her if she later decided she made a mistake by marrying him. She played with your emotions and disregarded your feelings when she married him and if you thought better of yourself, you'd realize that and find someone that will appreciate you. It's not her.

Thinking with the little head. Hey, we all do it sometimes.