Unfaithful before marriage

24 years ago

Hi- I'm married (happily, knock wood) but I have a good friend who has been dating a guy for about 4 years now. He seems crazy about her every time we see them together and they are engaged to be married. But she called me and said she found out he'd slept with 3 other women recently. Should she break it off? Is he just sowing a few wild oats before the final commitment or is this a bad sign? My opinion is that this is a very bad sign but...how do others feel?

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Comments (25)

RosieL
24 years ago
The writing is on the wall. She knows what she has to do. The commitment to her is not there. It will not be there just because they have fancy party and exchange rings. His word will be then what it is now. Tell her to read "Ten Stupid Things Women DO" by Dr. Laura Schlesinger (sp?). Still time to save herself.
waddles28
24 years ago
I agree if he is not faithful now what is his motivation to stay faithful in the future. I think it is a bad sign that he cannot keep his commitment at this point. I think that the marriage would be doomed before it began.
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Dear all, Thank you for your thoughtful comments. I know I wrote a long post, but mkroopy, I do not expect everyone would understand my position in a short post. Thank you Sylviatexas, Readinglady and Justmetoo. You have been very understanding. In explanation to my position : 1. Before I got married, my parents had warned me that is anything were to happen (Inter-racial marriages in my country had boast issues like this before) I am not to return home crying when my marriage fail. I know my parents loved me and meant well, they only warned me of what would happen and they were absolutely right. but they are now retired, I cannot bear to burden them with my issues. If I am to find money, it will be on my own responsibility. 2. Like I mentioned above, by Muslim law, a wife can only divorce her husband for several reasons. You can refer to this : "Men have the right to divorce. If a man dislikes keeping his marriage for any reason, he divorces his wife and compensates her financially by paying her what is termed mut'a payment. This is in addition to the regular financial sustenance for her living, in case she has the custody of their children. Divorce becomes in effect once the husband utters or writes down any of the legal formulae of divorce such as: �I divorce you� or �you are divorced��etc. The husband can do these either by himself or through a messenger. In case it is the woman's desire to end the marriage, the situation becomes different. Her reasons might be that she has received ill treatment, the husband is unable to sustain her financially or he is sexually impotent. She can prove these defects in front of the judge, then the judge grants her divorce with a full access to all her financial rights. Also, if the husband was good to her but she does not want to keep on for an emotional reason, then she asks for what is termed khul'. This means to be granted divorce but without any access for financial rights, plus paying back the husband the dowry that he already paid on marrying her." I have made it clear to my husband that I don't want anything from him if he divorces me, but it seems like he is smart, he knows I won't be able to find a reason to divorce but for emotional reasons. I'm sure do hope that I'm wrong; I hope he doesn't want my money, after all his late wife did leave some for him. I am just like a pawn, I am only to suffer in a position where there is nothing I can do. 3. To Justmetoo, the solution you proposed was exactly what I did. Like I mentioned above, after my parents told me to ignore her coz eventually she will leave, I did exactly that. I ignored her. I stopped whatever I did before ie.plates to the dishes, pick up your mess, ask for permission first, spend your money wisely, you don't need another concert etc, MY HUSBAND DEEMED ME UNCARING. And again I say, I had established an understanding that I am not going to do anything anymore to make it better with her, unless she starts to do so herself. This are how things are now, she doesn't need my permission for anything, and in fact even if she does ask me, it is because she was told to by her father. And even if she did, it was, "I'm going out now, Ok Annie?" or "I'm going to borrow the bathtub, OK?" or "Can you send me to my friend's house later?" I know because her father asks her to do so, she knows I was the one who made the changes in the first place, so she behaves worst. 4. About her mother's things, you are terribly right. It was definitely my fault for clearing up the things. I just couldn't bear to live in the bedroom, which is the house under he name willed to the daughter (we are moving out sometime in 2013, AT LAST =( ) with no where to put my things. I felt really not at peace living here, everywhere I look it was just her possessions and reminders of her. Like I said, my Husband seemed very ignorant about how I felt. He had in fact mentioned I didn't know her and had no rights to hate her. She cheated on him and I didn't, I still don't understand why I get treated as if I was the one who did him wrong. I hate her terribly, It was because of what she did, that my husband is bitter and refused to clear up the mess. It was his responsibility and he dutifully neglected it and left me with the bitter consequences. I was told that the daughter was not very close to the parents. In fact, with both working adults and one spending too much time with someone else, a lot of things were left to other people to be responsible for. The maid handles a lot of things and she was given all she wanted so she wouldn't whine and cause troubles to her parents. Most definitely, I read her blog and she wrote that "my mum bullies me and don't support me" and "I didn't cry when mummy died." In fact, there wasn't an issue at all, until I came in the house. God knows what did she realize, but I doubt she appreciated her mother much until she realized someone else became the new woman in the house. The only thing I can think of now, is to live like nothing happened. Ignorance is not my forte, my blood boils to see her mess and her unthoughtful attitude about eating her share of food at home. It's makes me terribly sad that my husband says I don't care for either of them. I would have to save up my money wisely, study hard and start building a better life for myself in the future. Meanwhile, I would just have to take everything thrown at me. PS : My husband has mentioned in the past the one thing he wont tolerate is cheating and that consents a divorce. I can't do that, and even if I faked it, the bad would just be reflected on me. My husband is very smart of pretending like everything is beautiful and on cloud 9 in front of people. No one would believe of his character or assume something is wrong with our marriage.
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phyllis_philodendron
24 years ago
I wouldn't be within ten feet of this guy! What's to stop him from cheating on her while they're married (as everyone else has said)? I'm sorry, I'm not perfect, but I find cheating, whether you're married or dating, inacceptable. I would drop him like a hot potato.
Mausie
24 years ago
I'm assuming that it was clear to him that his girlfriend expected a monogamous, commited relationship? If so, she obviously needs to leave him. Not only does he sound like a louse, he is risking her life by potentially exposing her to STDs.
lpolk
24 years ago
Exactly, dump him and get tested!
mary_md7
24 years ago
Should she break it off? How could there possibly even be any question?????
rotny
24 years ago
I agree with everyone else. This guy's not gonna' change. To me, an engagement is as much a commitment as anything else. If he can't keep it in his pants now what's gonna' stop him later?!
jcorn59483
Original Author
24 years ago
Thanks, that's what I thought too (dump him) but they were dating for four years so I thought I'd ask before I gave her my opinion which is...dump him. It'd be what I'd do in that situation myself.
akaDenise
24 years ago
I agree with everyone else, the solution is pretty obvious! He's a Loser! You friend should dump him before he gives her a disease!
simply_shelia
23 years ago
She needs to move on and find the real man that will be committed completely.
weed30 St. Louis
23 years ago
Is he just sowing a few wild oats before the final commitment

That sowing wild oats thing is total BS. It's cheating plain and simple. As my mom always told me, Leopards don't change their spots. If he's doing it now, he'll continue. She should dump him; no second chances. *MAYBE* if it were only once and he was honestly repentant. But THREE times? NO WAY. NO WAY.
mary_md7
23 years ago
She should kick this guy to the curb. He's a messy divorce waiting to happen, with a lot of heartache (and possibly disease) along the way.
quiltingbunny
23 years ago
Has he/she ever heard of the AIDS epidemic? Gosh, I would not want him anywhere near me. I would definitely be at the docs getting tested and toss the chap.
Bad news.
Dicken
23 years ago
just to clarify things in my own mind: the 'final commitment' took place when he proposed marriage and she accepted.

anything which follows that date/time MUST reflect on the singularity of THAT final commitment, while anything which occurrs prior to that date/time can possibly be excluded from such commitment.

there has to be a time in 'our' relationship which has to be prior to the 'us' of our relationship, and for which faith should not bbe an issue.

-d.
puddlejumper
23 years ago
Perhaps, Dicken. But what happens before marriage is a pretty good indicator of what to expect after the ceremony. After dating for several years, there's an expectation and often an agreement of monogamy. This guy didn't sleep with the women prior to the relationship, he slept with them 4 years into the relationship. This makes him a poor prospect for marriage.
Pashan
23 years ago
Yup, I am going to hop right onto the bandwagon here (if it isn't already overcrowded...) teehee! Your friend should DUMP HIM and run as fast as she can the OTHER direction. Uh, stop at the GYN for a test on the way outta town! :-)

I know dumping is hard to do, but the heartache now isn't nearly what a divorce would be...

P
AMAZING_GRACE
23 years ago
If he had a fling with 3 girls before they were married, He'll have a fling with 30 after they're married!!
RUN, RUN, RUN!!!
mary_md7
23 years ago
How could there possibly even be a question here?
MIStepMom
23 years ago
Here is another perfect example:

My step-daughter moved in with her boyfriend in December. In April she came crying back home because her boyfriend had cheated on her. Now, mind you, he admitted to her early in the relationship that he had cheated on every other girlfriend he had in order to break up with them. Many of his friends told her that he would cheat on her. Her reply; oh no he won't, it is different with us!!!! Well, I guess she should have listened to him and his friends and saved herself alot of heartache.

Once a cheater, always a cheater!!!! Run, Run, Run
FlowergirlDeb2
23 years ago
Please tell your girlfriend that although she IS SPECIAL and unique, that doesn't mean she can "change" him, or that he'll change for her. It's a trap women fall into, we think we can change the mens behavior, but with something like cheating so many times, she truly needs to get herself out of there and find someone she can trust to marry.
deby_do
23 years ago
He didn't just have a fling with 1 woman -- it was with 3 different women! I guess he didn't feel guilty enough to stop with just one -- so he just kept on going! Sounds like a real good catch to me.
downsouth
23 years ago
She must really feel down in the dumps. What is going to make her feel any better on her wedding day with this in the back of her mind? She can do better - dump him! I could never trust him.
lulie___wayne
23 years ago
I would literally run for my life. She's asking for a lot of heartache if she doesn't.
Lu
rosewood42
20 years ago
I agree with most of the posts, READ THE WRITING ON THE WALL, HE'S A CHEATER. Tell her do not waste 4 more years on that idiot. Men do what you allow them to do in relationships. Trust me he had her in mind when he thought about cheating and probably said "ole girl isn't going nowhere even if she does find out". If she is still there after finding out he cheated with 3 other women then he is saying all smug to himself " I knew she wasn't going anywhere". He is going to continue to cheat on her, by her staying with him she is telling him it's ok to cheat.
For goodness sake I hope she doesn't marry the bum.
intherain
20 years ago
I agree with most everyone else here, too. Even though they aren't married yet, he's cheating on her. He's cheating on their relationship. She needs to realize she deserves better than that!

Unfaithful before marriage

Comments (25)

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Unfaithful before marriage

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