lonely and unsure

16 years ago

i am 38 married 16 years 2 teenagers steady job as faithful as they come, and the lonelest man i know. i help out with all the household duties go to work every day and come home every night. no drugs and no abuse. i have started to resent my wife. she gives me no credit for anything. she complains about everything i do or dont do. she will blame me for everything when i express my feelings. i have told her i am not happy and everything about how i feel, and have made no headway. she is on an antidepressant but it seems to not be working anymore. i have spoke to a good friend and my brother and they also see what is going on.

the term ( cant win for losing ) fits me the best. am i not a strong man for wanting a little affection and credit. should i keep my mouth shut and just be the faithful dedicated husband i have always been?

thanks

c

Sort by:Oldest

Comments (16)

popi_gw
16 years ago
I think it takes great courage to open yourself up and pour out your troubles on a forum for all to read, so I admire you for doing so.

No, I don't think you should keep your mouth shut. You sound like a good man, your deserve some happiness in your married life.

Does your wife go to work ? Has she been diagnosed with depression ? How is she with the children ? Has her behavior changed over the years or has she always been like this ?

Perhaps with a bit more of a background other posters can give some useful suggestions.

All the best
P
asolo
16 years ago
How old are the "teenagers"? If you've stuck with it this long, I suspect bearing with it until they're "18-and-out" may not be too daunting. Can you continue to "keep the peace" long enough to get them launched? Do your children respect you? Do they see what's going on, or do they dump on you, too?

After that, go ahead and get after the rest of your life with your honor intact. Let her argue with the walls.

If it's worse than the impression I got from your post, maybe act sooner rather than later.
Related Discussions
Is an affected writing style appealing?
Q
Comments (42)
i'm not a literary person, but from what I can tell is that the style overall, reminds me of screenplay writing, e.g.: "Gathering up papers and his favorite plaid thermos, he tied them into a kerchief and fastened the satchel to the end of a stout length of devils walking stick. He stooped a final time to clear the doorway of his former lair. Tired, but resolute, he crossed the clearing, pausing briefly against an over pruned Shishigashira to catch his breath." What I mean is that the writing style is very descriptive in terms of both actions and local, and less informative psychologically in terms of the character. Psychological states of the character, I guess, are inferred through these very discriptive, or highly visual/cinematic passages - as in a screenplay. This last passage for instance can be viewed in terms of cinema as a shot. Where sometimes visual clues such as location and character gestures play a larger role in the telling of the story, rather than the actual character dialogue or narration: "Behind him, in the eerie calm of sunset, a single unobserved green leaf made no sound as it slowly drifted to settle neatly on a background of uncharacteristically red moss beneath the maple, signaling a natural, albeit most curious end to a tenured era." ...it's cinematic.
...See More
Lone Baby Kitten Help, Please!
Q
Comments (13)
Compared with domestic dogs,cats can and do survive as wild animals, It may not be good for them, but for some its sadly a must. The cat is the only domestic, man has not fully tamed, besides if you take out a breeding tom, without putting him back into the society another tomcat will soon take his place- where as if you neuter and release the tom will still defend the turf preventing any more matings, with his females. Sats clearly say, a cat fixed late in life, can still spray, or act mean, if reduced, the sexual center has still been activated in the cat, it will always be different. We have a once tom, Monty who was allowed to roam and spray in his youth, probably mated with queens,too. , He is still more aggressive, then two out of our other three, his muscles are rock hard,even though he's been desexed 10+ years ago. Monty doesn't spray but thats only one cat, out of hundreds that have been neutered late. Neutering cuts down or stops spraying in a full tomcat, it only always stops spraying in a kitten, or non sexually mature teenage/sub adult tom. I am aware that TNR does manage colonies, a good thing too, However there are some cats that function better as barn/wild cats/VS house pets, it depends on their personality,and temperment. A cat that bites and scratches people, and shows a high predatory drive is better off fixed and sent to live as a barn/semi feral then de-clawed and unhappy for example. I hope the shelter is open, and Remember Jean you need to feed every 2 hours or so, I would contact a breeder, after kitten is de-fleaed. Type in Cat breeders list, and see what breeders are in your area, if they have a nursing queen that would be best, Hopefully they will show some compassion.
...See More
Conifer seedlings trials 2017
Q
Comments (3)
It varied from species to species. Generally, I'll use Dirr's Manual of Woody Landscape plants for the more common species. For rarer species, I've either found information from the seed supplier (if bought) or looked for multiple references online (if gathered or unsure). The trick is to try and find the same advice for stratification listed from multiple sources to get any confidence in whether the advice is good or not. I start all my seeds off by a 24 hour soak in regular water. My last batches, I've added a small amount of Captan powder (maybe 1/16 tsp in a small tupperware container of water) to try to limit fungal growth. It hasn't seemed to have a negative effect on germination rates, and I've not had too big of problems with damping off. Next, I've mainly stuck to the paper towel method of germination/stratify. After 24 hours of the seeds soaking, I get a paper towel, wet it thoroughly and wring the excess out, put the seeds in as close as a single layer as possible, then fold up the paper and put it in a plastic zip baggie with the name and date on it. These go straight into the fridge for whatever stratification time needed (30-90 days usually). When the stratification time is over, I pull them out and just leave them somewhere in the house I won't forget about them and they won't get in full sun (that bakes the baggie). Check after 2-3 days, and then every so often for signs of germination. For seeds that don't need stratifying, the seeds go into the paper towel baggies, then immediately just left out in the house. Note: I generally stagger the soaking of the seeds according to stratification length, so I do the 90 day stratifiers a month before the 60 day, two months before the 30 day, etc. This way, I can deal with them all germinating together and during the right time of spring. So after I see germination, I move them to growing flats. I generally just get the big flats and fill it with sterile seed germinating potting mix. I find these easier to work with than the individual cells, because they don't dry out as fast and you aren't wasting 40-80% of your cells on seeds that never come up. Plant the little germinating seeds very shallow (for most conifers, at least), and keep things damp. They're in morning sun and afternoon shade now. A little leggier than I'd want, but I'd rather not scorch them with too much sun at a young age. I let them grow to about 3-5 inches before transplanting them to larger pots or a growing bed. Enough time to get decent roots on them.
...See More
Pendant lighting for two islands
Q
Comments (4)
Also you want to keep 12-18 inches from edge of island, also hiring a designer for small projects like this can sometimes pay off in the end getting the best solution and options. Good luck and happy designing https://blog.yaleappliance.com/how-many-pendants-do-you-hang-over-a-kitchen-island
...See More
sylviatexas1
16 years ago
Her anti-depressant doesn't seem to be working???

& what are you looking for here?

encouragement?
validation?
permission to bail out on a person who isn't functioning well at all?
a date?

Make an appointment & talk to her doctor-
about her problems & about your attitude.

sylvia

trying to think of a single person who's told me how wonderful & mistreated he/she is who turned out to actually be wonderful & mistreated-
every one I can think of was looking for permission to dump someone/run around on someone/treat someone badly.
asolo
16 years ago
"...i have told her i am not happy and everything about how i feel, and have made no headway..."

OK, then. Teeing off on Slyvia's take.....what are the chances of your being allowed into the relationship between your wife and her doctor? What would "success" in her treatment look like to you? Do you think she would like you again in the end? Would a couples-counselor do any good in your opinion -- maybe help get things on the table? Would you be willing, even now, to put in the time (and money!) it would likely take?

Would you prefer a solution or would you really prefer to be out of there?
goodguygonebad
16 years ago
lonely? go out and make some damn friends, man. go do some extracurricular sht. go do some volunteer work and meet some new people. go to a gym.

also you need a way to get to the bottom of why shes treating you the way she does. you can not ask her directly because women will never give you a straight answer, because half the time they dont know why they are the way they are themselves.

you probably need a counselor to get that info out of her.
reutz2
Original Author
16 years ago
thanks for all the replies. my wife was diagnosed 13 years ago for depression, and when i very gently suggest that she talk with her doctor about her meds she says she is tired of everyone trying to fix her. we have been to couples counseling in the past, but she seems uninterested this time. i have started to see a counselor myself.

"& what are you looking for here?
encouragement?
validation?
permission to bail out on a person who isn't functioning well at all?
a date? "

i was not really looking for anything in particular here maybe some just encouragement, i was merely trying to talk to someone that was not bias to the situation.
i am not looking for a date.
asolo
16 years ago
The two kids...how do they see it? Have they taken sides? Is it affecting them?
reutz2
Original Author
16 years ago
the kids dont really say anything about the situation. at this point i would say they have not been affected. i dont show my negative feelings about mom and i to them.
asolo
16 years ago
You must know her pretty well by now. Do you see ANY way by which she would become responsive to your concerns? Are you truly dealing with a brick wall or can you envision/imagine a way in?

Would it be worth it to you regardless?

You can probably tell, I'm hung up on the kids. If they could be allowed to mature before your thing blows, I think that would be good. If they're affected already, maybe better to precipitate now.

I don't know. I'll bet you will when you're done thinking about it.
popi_gw
16 years ago
Well it is good that you are talking to a counsellor.

Perhaps if you developed some interests that evoked some passion in yourself, if you worked on trying to find some happiness and joy - it might bring you some clarity of thinking, which could lead to a new perspective on your situation. Exercise is good, walking..

Do you do things with the children ? This gloom must be affecting them. How does you wife relate to them ?
reutz2
Original Author
16 years ago
well i under stand the concerns about the kids as i feel the same way.

asolo, i dont know if i am dealing with a brick wall or not. my wife still tells me she loves me, but she just does not show it very well. i do think and want it to be worth the struggle to figure this out. like i said i am just so lonely that i must not see things clearly.

popi, i use to have a few hobbies that i truly enjoyed. i guess i have just lost interest with every thing on my mind, and the wife complaining about it. i do attend scouts with my son, he is very close to becoming an eagle scout.
i am very proud of him. my daughter is very out going and well a typical 12 year old. she does good in school, and her and i have daddy and his little girl relationship.
asolo
16 years ago
"....my wife still tells me she loves me...."

With respect, I must tell you that's exactly what EVERYBODY says when they're out of gas and/or need to cover their ass. It's supposed to keep you with them until........

You're the only one close enough to know. Good luck to you about that.

Please do keep the childrens' welfare in the forefront of your thinking.
sylviatexas1
16 years ago
" i use to have a few hobbies that i truly enjoyed. i guess i have just lost interest"

It sounds like those children have 2 parents who are functining at vastly reduced levels.

Please make an appointment with a doctor for your own self.
reutz2
Original Author
16 years ago
just a note to say that it seems things may be headed in the right direction. i had a heart to heart talk with the wife, and she seemed very receptive. i told her i am her for her in any way she needs and that i am dedicated to her and our family, but i need a little recognition and credit from her. our talk brought her to tears (in a good way) but i do feel she really heard what i had to say. thanks for the ears and suggestions. i needed the support, and now i seem to be getting it from the place i needed it from the most.

c
asolo
16 years ago
Well, good on ya. Pleased to learn of this breakthrough. Hopefully that ball may continue to roll. Perhaps both of you may have found things in the other that were worth knowing and working on.

C'mon back in due course and let us know how it's going.
popi_gw
16 years ago
Yea that is good news, all the best for your family, you sound like a decent chap who deserves some happiness.

I heard something interesting the other day, for couples to think about. It relates to the importance of maintaining your interests, as a person, and not living your life "through" your partner. I think this is really important as it relates to self esteem, as well.

So get back into your hobbies, Reutz, that will help you, your wife and your children. Children need happy well adjusted parents. Try to encourage your wife to pursue her interests as well.

That's my pearl of wisdom for the day.

Ta Ta.
P

lonely and unsure

Comments (16)

popi_gw

asolo

Related Discussions

sylviatexas1

asolo

goodguygonebad

reutz2
Original Author

asolo

reutz2
Original Author

asolo

popi_gw

reutz2
Original Author

asolo

sylviatexas1

reutz2
Original Author

asolo

popi_gw

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

lonely and unsure

Comments (16)

Related Discussions

reutz2Original Author

reutz2Original Author

reutz2Original Author

reutz2Original Author

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

reutz2
Original Author

reutz2
Original Author

reutz2
Original Author

reutz2
Original Author