According to them....."There's nothing wrong!"

Maybe he has medical/performance issues he is not comfortable discussing with the spouse? If so, he could be afraid that showing any affection - even as harmless - as holding hands might lead to a disappointment for both of them?

And since I am totally grabbing at straws, I could be totally incorrect. Unless you are part of the "they", not sure how you would know what really goes on behind closed doors.

Hands up......we are "they". Issue has been addressed loudly. Changes are promised. You're right about the medical condition. Actual sex doesn't matter so much but the intimacy and affection are the foundation of a relationship.. Theres no reason why that should disappear too. Talk to your partners people or they propably end up like me.....thinking you don't care.

Hmmm...maybe not enough time went by between the exit out of the previous marriages and into the this one? It's awfully easy to have unrealistic expectations when you haven't got the skills or insight to completely refashion your life. People don't emerge from loveless, hurtful marriages without scars and effects that carry over into the next relationship. It takes a lot of work on self, a lot of examination, and healing. You can't skip over that part.

Sometimes I think that when men get the prize they sought, they don't particularly want it any more.

Bingo.

It's that old hunter gene,
& it's true of things other than romance.

I once knew-dated!-a guy who had owned, in succession, 9 Corvettes!

He wanted one until he got it, & then he was on the look-out for something newer, shinier, vroomier.

I was talking to a woman friend, puzzling it out, & she said,
"He'll never be satisfied.
with anything."

& she was right!

He kept his lawn & garden torn up changing things around,
he re-decorated the house continuously (at one time, the garage looked like a disco-mirrored ball lights & all!),
he had to have new excitements going on all the time.

Luckily he had a job that involved constant adaptation & new stimulus!

edited to add:

just realized that that isn't at all helpful to OP.

Even holding hands is out?
He walks ahead of you???

This is not a performance problem.

Even if he has a performance problem (& what's the reason for that?), there's more going on.

Maybe he does scoff at what he can have, that old "I wouldn't belong to any club that would accept me" thing, or maybe not.

Whatever it is, you aren't getting what you need, & you have every right to expect certain things from marriage, respect & affection being, I think, primary.

You might sit down at the kitchen table, a non-loaded environment, & lay your cards out.

You deserve a normal, healthy life.

I wish you the best.

This post was edited by sylviatexas on Tue, Oct 7, 14 at 21:41

What Sylvia said.

Is the OP being the person that she wants her other half to be ?

I wonder if her affections are being reciprocated.

It is very easy to blame, but not so easy to look within.

'This woman dresses nicely, keeps her appearance desirable, is loving and fun.'

?

I just re-read the original post & wonder if there's something else going on.

Walking ahead, not holding hands, & polishing the bike all sound like he's actively avoiding his wife.

which is the way my ex acted when he had a new girlfriend.

We can all speculate until the cows come home, but only the husband here really knows what's going on. And something certainly seems to be.

I can think of loads of reasons above and beyond hygiene and a "fun" personality why a spouse distances himself from his wife.

Maybe she spends every cent she gets her hands on to where he fears that he'll live out his retirement in a cardboard box under the bridge. Maybe dealing with her constant illnesses, real and imagined, exhaust him. Maybe she enables her 35 year old "mama's boy" to the point that she disrespects her husbands feelings/opinions on the matter entirely. Maybe her "loving" personality is really nymphomania and he can't get a decent night's sleep or even take a shower without her hands all over him. Maybe she stands by idly while her elderly mother rains insults on him during every visit. Maybe she's one of those people who subconsciously giggle as she talks (even when the topic of conversation is tragic) and he JUST. CAN'T. STAND. HEARING. HER. VOICE. ONE. MORE. MINUTE.

The only one who knows for sure is the husband. I just know that I wouldn't want to live in that kind of relationship for any longer than I had to. I hope you get your answer, eckles.

This post was edited by Jewel654 on Tue, Oct 14, 14 at 12:04

Jeeze, Jewel/654. R U OK?

Eckles, I would suggest asking him to go with you to marriage counseling. If he won't do that, make your plans to move out. That is what I did. Saw the lawyer, got an apartment, packed up my things and stacked the boxes in the closet of the spare bedroom. He didn't suspect a thing, which made it easier for me to get out one day after he went to work. Moving van pulled up and my friends helped me get out of there. When he got home, I was long gone.

I disagree strongly with that approach. Blindsiding your spouse is not the way to establish communication or trust. Unless he's a dangerous abuser, don't indulge in that kind of drama.

If you do the disappearing act, then later the marriage can be saved, you have dealt him a nasty
(and regrettable) blow. If it dissolves, you still have negotiations to do, and you have not put yourself in a good legal position by deserting your spouse/property.

Scarlett, did you perhaps misread my post? I suggested counseling. The move out option is only if he refuses to go to counseling. The marriage can't be saved if he won't work on it.

I just don't like the drama of it. IMHO, big surprises like that are not conducive to ending it in a dignified way.

At some point, dignity is irrelevant, & attempting to maintain it can cost or hurt.

I once refused to take half the money out of a joint checking account, as my father had advised, because I just couldn't bear to "lower" myself to do it;
I had too much integrity, too much dignity.

So my checks started bouncing because my shortly-thereafter-ex had no problem at all lowering himself;
he took out every dime.

I had to pick up those checks & pay for them with cash from my parents...

I should have protected myself;
dignity had no place in it.

If it looks like it's the end, end it.

Yes, but it's perfectly possible to end a relationship with dignity AND caution. Especially if you have children and/or mutual friends. To paraphrase old wisdom, you can cross a bridge and even lock the gate behind you, without having to blow up the bridge afterwards.

Well I don't know.

I think that eckles's husband sounds happy. I can picture him polishing up his motorbike with great care and pride, safe in the knowledge that his life is different to how it once was. For him, nothing is wrong. And if his wife is slow to walk when out walking, he will just go on ahead. I think he is not using his noggin but I think he means no harm.

I, like you eckles, would wonder "What the heck!?" I am certain that I would be disappointed. Non-plussed. I'd probably feel a little cheated.

However, I think the answer is to throw yourself into something where you can lose yourself, where you won't need Mr eccles for a minute. He sounds like such a content man and you need to find that same contentment.

I know, why not begin a wonderful romance novel?

Tell your story, change the names. Use a pen name. I'd love to start reading it.