Toni, DH and I went after about 1.5 years of marriage. (We have now been married 17+years) The first session is usually an inventory of your past year. What bothers you, have there been any major upheavels in your life (birth, death, job change). THis will help the counselor find out where to concentrate. For example if one stress area is money, they can help budgeting. Ours (as I'm sure most really) turned to more "Learn how to TALK to each other" and "Learn how to LISTEN to each other". We learned to talk so we'd both (usually) listen. We learned that we learned from out parents - Good and Bad. It was HARD WORK. But since your DH is willing to go, and if both of you WORK on the assignments (yes there is usually assignments and homework), it will do wonders for each of you. Good luck Vickey

Hi Phoggie & All, Well no, I have not left him. But yes, I have gotten on with my life! We are living together quite peacefully as I have completely detached from the whole "stepkid/family" issue. In fact I have only seen them once in the past year at Christmas. I'm still looking to purchase a home. My previous offer fell through a week from close. It was a short sale & quite a learning experience. Dh seems to have come to terms that if we are to have a life together, I'm not going to be a part of his childrens lives and they are not going to be a part of mine. I know it must seem cold, but I just can't do that or go there anymore. I don't see myself ever having any type of a meaningful relationship with them in the future. I do worry this is painful for DH, but I have to protect myself & my wellbeing. I'm still going south for the winter the end of Oct to be near my son & family, DH will come visit when he can/work allows. I'm already getting excited to go spend time with my kid & folks. I get a little lonely at times because we both work so much and he spends a lot of time going to his house or fishing but when we are together it's peaceful, no arguing and we enjoy each others company. At times I wonder how long we can go on like this. Together, yet seperate but somehow it works. I can tell you though that DH behaves like a loving thoughtful spouse and that there isn't any major drama or issues going on between he & I in the least. It is quiet and nice. I don't hear about too much with his kids unless he is venting to me out of sheer frustration and I just listen. And he feels better, and we move on. He is able to just let go and enjoy being part of us because there is not the constant drama & upset driving us apart. The best way I can describe it is that I just stepped away from it all and started enjoying my life and things I like to do again. I can't even describe how much more peaceful my life is since I desengaged from the whole situation. It's not perfection, but I am in a much happier place emotionally now. I do suspect that DH longs for family togetherness where everyone meshes into one big happy family however, thats just not realistic-for us. That's about it for me..thank you for thinking of me. Now I need to go catch up with all of you :0) ~Cat

"he is resentful toward me because he says I am not respectful to him in that I don't always make my older children comply with his wishes regarding chores around the house and such. That is what, according to him, is 100% to blame for our marital problems." So, according to this logic, that then made it OK for him to have an affair? Interesting logic. How would he feel if his lack of affection led you to seek it elsewhere? I thought so. Different attitudes to child raising are often a big cause of discord in blended families. However, the usual solution is to talk it out and compromise, not go off and have an affair. And how can he argue that his lack of affection and emotional affair are not at least partially to blame for your marital problems? I guess his position would be that your perceived lack of respect for him led him to behave that way, but c'mon, he's a grown up. That's a really juvenile response to an issue, right up there with taking your bat and ball and stomping off home. "if I am wrong in thinking if HE should initiate the affection between us?" Do you mean, should affection between you _only_ be initiated by him, or do you mean, are you wrong in wishing he would sometimes instead of you having to do it all the time? (And what is his response if you do attempt to initiate affection between you? Acceptance? Rejection?) He is being controlling with the attitude "I can be loving toward you, when I get the respect I deserve." At what point will he decide he has his required level of respect? The other points I made in my first reply still hold.

OK, I see your point about it not being fair to dump everything on my MIL. It would probably be painful for her to listen to us discuss our problems, and maybe we would tend to overshare. I wouldn't want her to feel that she has chosen sides or been unsupportive of one of us. And we would not have been discussing sex! that would definitely be awkward! But no problems there. And I wouldn't have considered it if there were any ugly secrets to be revealed (I always thought it was a mistake for dh's cousin to talk about her husband's affair. He seemed sincerely contrite, and wanted to try to work things out, but I think that everyone knowing the details made it harder for her to think of taking him back. Anyway, I digress..) We have very different parenting styles - he is the authoritative type, and I am firm, but non-confrontational. One of our children is very stubborn, emotional and passive-resistive, and it's dealing with this child that brings out dh and my differences. I love the Love and Logic parenting books by Foster Cline, but that style is the polar opposite of what dh does. Although I asked dh to read these books, which I found very helpful, he just doesn't ever get around to it. I tried to explain/summarize, but even to my ears the message didn't come across as very convincing. I copied a few pages last week, and asked him to just read that much (hoping to pique his interest) but he hasn't got around to that either. I'm not sure how to convince dh to change, but I feel like my love and respect for him slipping away every time I hear him shouting at our son. And finances - we are not in dire straits, but of course with four kids there is never enough money to buy all that we want. He has a hard time denying himself things he wants to buy, so he's working like crazy (sometimes 100+ hours per week) to make enough to keep us afloat. While I am grateful that he is not a deadbeat, I think we'd be stronger as a family with less money and more time together. And he probably does feel that he will be blamed for everything. I am so unhappy and frustrated lately, and I can't imagine that he is not unhappy, too. He says that he has no complaints about me (I must be perfect, right??) but I wonder how that can be true. When we talk, he appears to listen, but nothing ever changes, so I feel like he doesn't really value my thoughts and feelings. I think our issues have been around for awhile, but it's just recently that our finances have been tight enough, and our children challenging enough, that I'm really bothered. I was listening to a radio show on the way to work last week, and the host said that sometime it is pointless to try to change your spouse, who probably has had the same habits for years. In that case, he said, it is better to change the way you feel. I just can't imagine feeling good about our relationship the way it is now.