Thanks, everybody. Finedreams and Tenderchichi,, Yes, I know it sounds unbelievable, but it is true. I'm very sure she has some type of mental illness or personalty disorder. Like many people, she is functional enough to carry it off. Remember, she was a small town housewife and not out in the world much where she would have been noticed as weird or crazy by the public. My dad covered for her a lot. Yes, she was that way to all of us chidren and we all moved as far away as possible when we were old enough. And that contributed to us not knowing how bad things really were until the caregivers told us. Her dementia is just now onsetting, she knew exactly what she was doing five years ago. Because of the age difference, she somehow convinced the doctor not to tell my dad he had cancer. That is unethical but they live in a very small town and things are done kind of differently than in a large city. No, there was no autopsy, he died of his prostate cancer. At age 93, there would not be an autopsy unless the next of kin (guess who) or legal authorities wanted one. He did not die of her poisoning because we got that stopped when we found out. Yes, we confronted her. She was just astounded that we would think she did anything wrong. Then she got mad at Dad for "telling us lies". He never said one word. Thermometer, thanks for your condolences but I feel that you are negating what I know to be true. No, I don't have "displaced adoration" for my father. I said he was not perfect. And my anger toward my mother is very, very direct,I can assure you. The affair lasted 20 years, I was a witness to 18 years of it, and she incorporated me through intimidation as a young girl in helping her cover it up. I know what I heard and saw and I know what happened. The memory of my childhood is waking up in the morning and going to sleep at night with her screaming. Yes, to all, I am in counseling. Not only grief but anger counseling. I have lost more than my dad. My sister and I are very close but this has just been devastating for her, she is on Prozac now, and also in counseling. It is just going to take some time. Thanks.

Thank you all for your posts.I'll try to answer all your questions. "if this were your biological son who abused your step daughter, how would you handle the situation??" I would do everything in my power to help him and make any sacrifices that were required of me. But the problem is that my husband is not willing to ignore the rest of his children and focus on helping him.He has alot of anger towards him because of what he did to his other siblings.He doesn't feel comfortable showing the girls affection because he doesn't want them to think he is trying to be sexual...One of the twin boys has also been really affected by the abuse and is really confused as to his "sexuality" he seems to thik he has to act feminine because of it.To top it off,my husband has never had a close relationship with the oldest at all.When his wife left and he was alone raising the 4 children he took on his moms role and was very abusive toeards everyone,including my husband.He blames his xwife and his mother for making him the monster he has become and he just doesn't want to spend the rest of his life dealing with his mental illness.HIs x wife left him because she couldn't she deal with him anymore.although he is too young to be diagnosed,i honestly believe that he is a manic deppressive like his mother.I can only imagine what he will be like a few years from now if he indeed is-because he has so many other issues along with that.The fact that the 2 women who raised him were both selfish,controlling,deceitful,cunning and verbally abusive doesn't do much for his personality either because this is exactly what he is like.I feel for him, i truly do..but i don't want to spend my life trying to undo such horrible parenting.I never would have gotten married had i known that i would have to neglect my own children to help fix this child in the first place.The fact that he also abused my daughter adds the fact that my daughter would probably resent me for the rest of my life for having put her abuser's needs ahead of hers and i don't think anyone would be willing to do that. "Don't you think he deserves a chance to heal and become the best he can be? Why throw the baby out with the bath water? His behavior is a loud cry for help. Someone needs to answer the call." I agree someone does need to answer that call,the problem is that the only person who is willing to take him in and raise him is the grandmother-who thinks he is just misunderstood and spoils him to death.She basically excuzes all his bad behaviors and tries to justify his cruelty to others by saying that he can't help it because of the way his mom raised him.So he is never held accountable-and he plays right into it and pulls on her heart strings every time he is in trouble so that she can bail him out.This little boy lies,steals,beats other kids up,runs out of the classroom in school,yells at the teachers,refuses to bath with soap,thros dirty toilet paper on the floor,breaks whatever he gets a hold of when he is angry,has full blown tantrums that last for hours,is direspectful to adults in general and cruel to animals and she says its normal because he is becoming a teenager...My husband can't stand his mother because of it so it makes co-parenting virtually impossible because she will ignore my husband and do whatever she wants with him.I know that she is not what he needs-but what am i suppose to do?Put everyone elses's needs on the backburner to try and make him the best he can be? Its not fair to the other kids-especially his that have had to live in his shadow all of their lives.Besides i am dealing with alot of guilt since i was spending so much time trying to "help" him,exhausted and streched to my limit-i wasn't emotionally available to the rest of the children when he was abusing them.Maybe if i hadn't been so tied up deling with him all day my daughter would have come to me sooner...or i would have picked up on signs that it was going on.Because thinking back,there were many signs-i was just too drained to put them all together. if you abandon the marriage now, no one will heal from the harm that has been done. I agree with that statement totally,I love my husband and my stepkids but i have stayed in this relationship mostly because i want these children to have some closure from the harm that has been done.I don't think i could live with myself knowing that i just ran away from this situation not to have to "deal" with it.Its important for all of us to get through this,it will teach them a valuable lesson in life.We shouldn't "run away" from things,we should confront them and find a way to overcome them... Are there other relatives around who will take on the responsibility of the SS ? Unfortunetely the only relative availableand willing is the grandmother. My husband would not be willing to move out and stay with him,he has a hard time going to the visits to see him and when he does he usually comes home feeling all mixed up.He says he has conflicted feelings,he loves him because he is his son,but he acts so much like his xwife and his mother-who he can't stand to even speak of,that he feels as if he is just just like them..I think they call it "transference" in other words he sees him and he sees "controlling,abusive,crazy mother and x wife" whom he chose to get out of his life when he realized that their toxic behaviors were making him "physically ill".This is his son-and he is just as toxic as they are.I think he struggles with the fact that he is so much like the two women who have caused im so much pain and misery in his life and nomatter what he does he is destined to have to deal with his toxic son for the rest of his life.Its just all really complicated...Right now i am just focusing on the kids i am raising and helping them heal from the trauma they suffered. There is no way i could focus on his oldest and remain sane.Its just too overwhelming.

Thanks for the response. He admitted to me that he has been addicted to porn for years now and that he tried stopping so many times but failed. He also admitted that he went to strip clubs in the past. Apparently, he has deep problems with porn. One time when we were in the car listening to Dr. Laura about this wife whose husband is also addicted to porn, he commented that she should have been more understanding about it. I was really annoyed, I told him I don't understand the need to look at porn coz to me, pardon my words but it's the same freakin vagina. I think he was really surprised to see me reacted like that coz I'm normally very dassile. Anyway, to carla35, I honestly don't know if he loves me. The way it happened was, he went to see me and the unexpected happened the first night we saw each other. Of course, it was not planned and I did not know I was fertile so I got pregnant. We've only known each other for 3 months when it happened so things we're just in total limbo. While I was pregnant with the child, I later found out that he went to see this other woman and told her that he thought the child was not his. He was basically bad mouthing me. I found it out when I saw the girl's page in myspace so I asked her a couple of questions. When I confronted him about it, he got mad and told me that my problem was, I was too preoccupied with the past. He then told me that he was not married to me when that happened and he's not obligated to be loyal to me. Again, I sulked in too much apathy. There I was pregnant and was not married and he was doing things behind my back. And that's not the only time that he was disloyal in our relationship. Over the course of time when I was pregnant, he went to places like Thailand and Indonesia to meet his penpals while I was back home not knowing what was going on. You have to understand that where I'm from, it not like here in the US where people don't put too much emphasis on someone getting pregnant out of wedlock. There, it's a taboo and it's shameful. People are not as liberated as people here. I suffered a lot and so did my family but I ate everything because it was my fault in the first place. I did not do it to get a greencard. It was just something brought my an impulse. I was stupid enough to believe that he loved me. When I found out I was pregnant, I broke up with him but he insisted that he loved me and I believed him. I had been supportive of him since we started writing to each other. I was loyal and really committed myself to the realtionship. I guess it's too much for me to ask for just a little respect and love. I only dated one guy before I got married. I was a virgin when we did it so I don't know how it feels to be wanted and desired. He's content with what we have right now, him sleeping in the sofa while I sleep with our child. I never wanted to have our child sleep in our bed but he was the one who pushed me to do it. He bugged me that I should be there for the child and that we should sleep in the same bed. Have you ever experienced the feeling of abandonment? The feeling of hopelessness that no matter how hard you try, you're doomed to failure. All he cares about is bills getting paid and be able to buy what he wants. He does not care about what I need nor my feelings. I really want to get a divorce but it's just difficult with the child. I know it'll break the poor kid's spirit. But I guess I have to just be happy of what I have right now. Just make the best of what's there coz the child is the innocent party here. I don't want to rob his childhood and not have an intact family.

Trixie's right -- You ARE in an abusive marriage. Only this time, instead of hitting you, it's verbal and psychological abuse. And it won't get any better because your husband doesn't believe there's a problem. Certainly not with HIM. Can't you take a joke? Why are you making such a big deal out of things? How do I know? Because I was married to his clone for 10 years. And it's taken me 15 years to recover and heal. (2 years in therapy) Trixie's also right about what you are teaching your children. You are teaching them that this is the way husband's treat wives. That it's OK to hit, insult, demean and abuse the people you love. That you (and they) deserve to be treated like this. Is that what you want them to learn? The second you decide firmly in your mind to leave this man and provide a loving, emotionally stable, home for your children is the second you will begin to get stronger. The day one of you leaves the house for good is the day your new, positive, life begins. You may feel scared, but you will also feel a lightening of your load that goes almost beyond belief. (When I left my exhole, I remember dreaming about beautiful sparkling-clean windows with sunshine outside and an incredible sense of opportunity.) Get your ducks in a row. Find out where the money is, and talk to a lawyer. If you've been out of the job market for a while, dust off your skill set. Volunteer if necessary, (while he's still paying the bills) to get up-to-date work experience. Just don't do nothing!