Cookie, is the stuff in the past you find offensive something you witnessed or something you were told by your DH or others?

I think you can do as you wish as far as spending time with your DH's father, but I'm a bit put off by you telling your husband how much time he (your DH) gets the kids with him. The kids are 50% your husband's, right? Why do you get to call the shots?

You said: "I told my husband he gets the kids with him for one day and that's it. He was mad about that ...". I don't blame him. I think that you and he should be deciding together where the kids are and where they'll go.

My distaste definitely happened when I first met him. The way he treated his 2nd wife (no longer in picture), my husband, my husband's sister. It wasn't abusive or anything but it was like they were so inferior and had to have "rules" etc. I knew I didn't like him when stories came up about him from the past, I'll admit.
It was so easy for me to go off and try and refuse visits with him because my family and friends met him and add a little fuel to the fire about having to spend time with him etc, so yeah, I probably worked myself up in a "not a good way" when I wanted to talk to my husband about how much time to spend with him. It has been 7 years since we had heard from him and now that his current wife died (who we met once) we have to hear all the details as my husband is the only one who stayed connected with him and he really doesn't have anyone else to call. Does cutting the time in half - say, 4 days my family and 4 days his family and he can pick and choose how he likes seem fair? Even this will stress me out as we are staying at his mom's house and she does a lot for our kids and I know she will get shortchanged as my family can all meet together but not so with my husband's side. I hate "vacations".
I just want to resolve this because I don't want to be arguing there about it when we get there.

Well, is it five years or seven? Except you say your husband has "stayed connected"...so I don't know what to make of that.

Regardless, I suggest you grit your teeth and compromise. Obviously whatever the compromise is will still be distasteful to you but one time in five/seven years isn't the end of the world. Don't muck up an otherwise good marriage by making it impossible for your husband to deal with you. He knows what you think and why because you told him. Allow him to deal with his dad...with the kids. Allow him flexibility enough to handle it and not have him think that he'll have to deal with your annoyance forever after. His dad's wife can only die once. This will not be repeated. Buck up and let it flow. Afterward, it's your husband you'll be living with, not his dad. You can pretend for a day or two.

Cookie, I would probably compromise and have the kids visit for 3 of the 8 days as long as things go well with the first visit. You have more friends and family to see on your side of the family. Your FIL is just one person...3 days is enough. I can understand your concern. I didn't want my children spending to much time with my mother and father in law. They were the most negative/toxic people I had ever known. I didn't want to expose my kids to the constant bad mouthing they did about their family. My husband had to listen to it growing up and could admit their shortcomings, so he was on board with limiting visits. Even though they both have passed on we don't regret our decision. NancyLouise

Well, the kids can go and if it's boring and no interest is paid to them then I guess I can say the FIL blew it and the kids can have the option to do as they please for the remainder of my husband's visits with him (if it actually happens). If they have a good time then they are free to do as they please and I can take advantage of my free time because I spend A LOT of time with the kids as a SAHM. I think I got very worked up talking to my friends and siblings about as they don't think much of him either. "In contact" isn't regular by any means but given the fact he heard from his father only 1 time in the past 5/7 years it is still more than the rest of the family - ie. FIL's brothers and sisters and his daughter. Time to start worrying about the long drive instead of how we are spending every waking minute. That would help me out too.

Cookie, rather than talking to your friends and siblings and complaining about your husbands family, perhaps you should discuss the issues with your husband and work through them. You're making the mess bigger.

Try to have some compassion for your husband who is the sole breadwinner for his family, doesn't appear to have a close relationship with his father, just lost his step-mom and has a wife who controls the amount of time he can let his kids see his family and then belittles him to friends, family and strangers on the computer. Walk a mile in his shoes.

Perhaps his father wants to make amends or realizes what he's been missing. Some people can change for the better and others can misjudge.