sexual communication

19 years ago

I need opinions on something that has happened in my marriage...my husband hunts and fishes. ALL the time. He has been gone 1/2 of every month this year so far. When home he works 12 hour days. He does nothing in the daily care of our children. If one of his buddies calls he will rudely interrupt any conversation he might be having with me to answer the call. We have sex about once a month and it is terrible but I try to struggle through and fake often to please him. I have never had cause to think he might be cheating. Today I found out he has in his possession the "little blue pill". He swears he got it to please me. He freely discussed this with me with one of his fishing buddies in the boat with him (he is gone again and I have found the pill bottles). He says all the guys talk about this kind of subject and yet he never bothered to discuss such an important decision with his wife. Am I foolish to continue to believe in him. I fell in love with his integrity. Am I wrong to be so hurt and left out of my own marriage?

Sort by:Oldest

Comments (13)

asolo
19 years ago
I don't know anyone who would tolerate the treatment you've described. Your husband sounds like a real jerk to me. Can only assume there's more to the picture than you've said inasmuch as you have children together.
coolmama
19 years ago
This seems to be a common issue in threads. The husband is out having a good time,and the wife is stuck at home caring for the kids.
I would definitely question him having the pills.He says they are to please you,but obviously he isnt doing that,right?
I think you need to tell him that if cares about your marriage he will put as much effort into it as he does everything else.
Related Discussions
Needing support , advice, questions about sexual abuse (long post
Q
Comments (15)
Okay, long post. First, Im sending a great big hug to you. Second I definitely agree that for the safety and sanity of your family get him out of your life. You donÂt need his drama and neither do your little ones. They may not realize what is going on but they know when somethingÂs wrong. I think it would be a good idea to have Rhiannon talk to someone. ItÂs better to have someone impartial for her to talk to. My sister has been getting counseling for her and my 5 year-old niece after her relationship ended. Her husband was an alcoholic abuser; he wasnÂt abusive when he wasnÂt drinking and his abuse was mostly psychological, but she found out through the counseling that my niece was more aware of what was going than she thought. She was also very matter of fact when she would talk to the counselorÂjust "this is what happens whenÂ". My storyÂwhen I was 13 my uncle tried to rape me while I was staying at my grandmotherÂs. I didnÂt tell anyone and tried to block it from my mind. All I could do was make sure he was never around my younger sisters. I closed myself off from everyone and pretended everything was "normal", but was terrified of any close relationship. Luckily he didnÂt come around much for family get-togethers and if he did I stayed where my grandma or my mother were. Years went by and one day out of the blue, my grandma asked if something had happened with him. All I could do was nod and start crying. I had thought for all those years that everyone would be mad at me and I would be shunned. Instead she hugged me close and told me "heÂs my son and I love him, but I could kill him", which made me feel so much better. She was my most favorite person in the world. I wasnÂt alone with this anymore. I could breathe again. I got married, had two kids, got divorced, and life went on. I had told my husband before we got married, but still didnÂt talk about it unless I had to. I have two wonderful friends who helped me get through my divorce who I had told about what had happened. When my oldest was in middle school, one of her close friends told her she was being molested and my daughter told her stepmother who then reported it. My daughter was asked to give a statement about what she had been told and I decided that as much as I hated talking about what had happened to me, this was more important. I had my friends with me but still couldnÂt talk about it without getting teary. 20+ years after it happened, my sister made a reference to him and I admitted it to my mother. Every time I talked about it, no matter how hard it was, it felt a little better inside. I still have trust issues and probably always will, but thatÂs getting better too and I was able to write this without tears. It also helps me that he eventually died of stomach cancerÂkarma to my mind, but I digress. Your heart and gut say stay away from himÂstart with that. Cozy quiet holidays at home sound like perfect memories for little ones to me. Jen
...See More
birth defects common in polygamous community
Q
Comments (22)
Noocha, you wrote: 'All the articles (or nearly all) were written by Rick Ross! Who is this guy?' .......... No, 'all the articles' about the FLDS were NOT written by Rick Ross. It clearly states at the top of the linked section: 'This page contains information The Rick A. Ross Institute has GATHERED about Polygamist Groups.' When looking at the list of collected articles regarding the FLDS, the source document and its author are clearly provided in large print from the oldest: 'Deliverance Day for One Group of Polygamists, Salt Lake Tribune/November 29, 1998, By Tom Zoellner and Greg Burton' to the most recent: 'Sect Children Will Undergo Genetic Tests Next Week Houston Chronicle/April 20, 2008, By Lindsay Wise' A quick check of the section on FLDS by anyone not having a reading comprehension problem will reveal that each document provides the source whether it be The Gazette newspaper, Canada; CBS 8 TV in Las Vegas; the Associated Press; the New York Times; the Deseret Morning News and the Salt Lake Tribune in Utah, etc., etc., etc. Noocha, you asked 'Who is this guy?' Well, if you had bothered to click on the 'home' page as I suggested you would have read the following: 'Welcome to the Rick A. Ross Institute of New Jersey An Internet archive of information about cults, destructive cults, controversial groups and movements. The Rick A. Ross Institute of New Jersey (RI) is a nonprofit public resource with a vast archive that contains thousands of individual documents. RI on-line files include news stories, research papers, reports, court documents, book excerpts, personal testimonies and hundreds of links to additional relevant resources. This Internet archive is well-organized for easy access and reference.' As I earlier stated some of us have no little or no prior knowledge of the FLDS prior to the current happenings in El Dorado, Texas. In wanting to read more about the FLDS I came across the referenced Institute via Google and decided to share it as a source of information with other interested persons reading here. So, Noocha, if you want to dismiss over 400 articles about the FLDS spanning almost 10 years as all being 'yellow journalism' feel free to do so. ............ Children Health Issues / Severe Birth Defect in FLDS: As for the referenced document by RONM80, here is a partial quote from Part II of the lengthy article... "More than half the worlds cases of a severe birth defect called fumarase deficiency have been found in the twin towns of Hildale, Utah, and Colorado City, Arizona, controlled by the polygamous Fundamentalist Latter-Day Saints Church. The towns have a total population of under 10,000, yet Dr. Theodore Tarby has seen twenty children with fumarase deficiency in these towns since 1990. By comparison, only thirteen cases have been reported elsewhere in the entire world. The actual total in the FLDS may be much higher than twenty since babies may have died before they were diagnosed with the condition by a medical doctor. None of the FLDS children with fumarase deficiency has an IQ above 25. Many cannot sit up. Some can barely even move their head and eyes. Frequent and powerful seizures are common. Portions of brain matter are replaced by water. An MRI of the brain of one fumarase-deficient child showed that more than half the brain was missing."
...See More
Where'd everyone go? & Men who can communicate!
Q
Comments (6)
thank you for your input! It's nice to know I'm still "alive." Last year I wrote a note on this forum called "stopped dating." I really thought I had lost interest, then I met someone but that went to hell in a handbasket very quickly ...the "I dont get it, what happened" entry on this forum I wrote about 6 months ago. It's interesting, looking back now, at the personal growth progress I've made since that first entry. That is not to say that starting to date again is necessarily a "great personal growth" but rather all that happened inbetween then and now. I am not a fan of hidden agendas either. life is interesting, and is even more interesting when one realizes it really has a purpose rather than to simply endure the mundane daily routines.
...See More
Harvey Weinstein Expose: Were You Ever Sexually Harassed?
Q
Comments (113)
From Lupita Nyung'o's (that was fun!) article. I find it quite prescriptive! She took the hit and survived because she was surrounded by a supportive community. "I was part of a growing community of women who were secretly dealing with harassment by Harvey Weinstein. But I also did not know that there was a world in which anybody would care about my experience with him. You see, I was entering into a community that Harvey Weinstein had been in, and even shaped, long before I got there. He was one of the first people I met in the industry, and he told me, “This is the way it is.” And wherever I looked, everyone seemed to be bracing themselves and dealing with him, unchallenged. I did not know that things could change. I did not know that anybody wanted things to change. So my survival plan was to avoid Harvey and men like him at all costs, and I did not know that I had allies in this. Fortunately for me, I have not dealt with any such incidents in the business since. And I think it is because all the projects I have been a part of have had women in positions of power, along with men who are feminists in their own right who have not abused their power. What I am most interested in now is combating the shame we go through that keeps us isolated and allows for harm to continue to be done. I wish I had known that there were women in the business I could have talked to. I wish I had known that there were ears to hear me. That justice could be served. There is clearly power in numbers. I thank the women who have spoken up and given me the strength to revisit this unfortunate moment in my past. Our business is complicated because intimacy is part and parcel of our profession; as actors we are paid to do very intimate things in public. That’s why someone can have the audacity to invite you to their home or hotel and you show up. Precisely because of this we must stay vigilant and ensure that the professional intimacy is not abused. I hope we are in a pivotal moment where a sisterhood — and brotherhood of allies — is being formed in our industry. I hope we can form a community where a woman can speak up about abuse and not suffer another abuse by not being believed and instead being ridiculed. That’s why we don’t speak up — for fear of suffering twice, and for fear of being labeled and characterized by our moment of powerlessness. Though we may have endured powerlessness at the hands of Harvey Weinstein, by speaking up, speaking out and speaking together, we regain that power. And we hopefully ensure that this kind of rampant predatory behavior as an accepted feature of our industry dies here and now. Now that we are speaking, let us never shut up about this kind of thing. I speak up to make certain that this is not the kind of misconduct that deserves a second chance. I speak up to contribute to the end of the conspiracy of silence."
...See More
popi_gw
19 years ago
Tbuzz, I don't thing you are wrong to feel peeved about your absent DH, or just H.

Careful words need to be spoken to him, by you. Choose your moment, kids in bed, etc...and say to him "I feel lonely".

He may not even realize what is going on. He may think you are happen to sit there day and night, with the kids.

As for the pills, well, I think that is between husband and wife, he sounds immature, to be discussing that with his friends. You come first, not them.

Think to yourself what you actually want him to do, before you bring it up with him. Thoughts like, "how much fishing will I tolerate".

P
tbuzz
Original Author
19 years ago
talking will definitely be a priority when he returns. Thanks for the feedback. I just felt so dehumanized being left out of such decision. Glad to know I am not just overreacting.
Linda
19 years ago
Hi All, I've been lurking for a few days so thought it was time I posted something. One thing comes to mind for me but I also have a very suspicious mind. The OP said they have sex about once a month and its terrible but she trys to struggle thru it. If her husband got the "little blue pill" to try to please her, it seems to me he would be trying to do just that and she would notice SOME sort of difference. Instead, she said its terrible. Have you noticed a change in his stamina, do you have any evidence that he is actually taking the pills FOR you? I would check the date on the bottle of pills. From what I know, you get five of these pills at a time". If that bottle is empty, and it wasnt five months ago, you should start asking some questions.
tbuzz
Original Author
19 years ago
He says he got them a year ago and they have made no difference so he just stopped using them and didn't throw them out. Stamina has never been an issue for me. The "terrible" part is it is all about him, his wants, no passion and no emotional connection. I have tried to guide, tell and demonstrate all to no avail. Mostly, I would just like a friend in bed. Admittedly, he is a closet perv. He no longer has a porn collection (my insistence) but he "handles" his situation daily.
Linda
19 years ago
Tbuzz you said he is gone again and I have found the pill bottles. How many are there? There should be a number on the bottle that says how many pills were in each. Add it up, have you had sex enough for all those pills? If the "terrible" part is all about him, then for petes sake, stop faking to please him. If he doesnt know you're not enjoying it, how is he going to know to make it better?
ninos
19 years ago
Truthfully, men dont talk about that stuff. I think a red flag has gone up in this relationship. Im guessing there is another woman. I hope im wrong but he never spends time with you and you rarely have sex. You also said that the sex you do have is not good. Trust your instincts. Something doesnt add up here.
sylviatexas1
19 years ago
He's concealing something,& I'd bet it's a woman:

How many "guy friends" can take half the month to hunt & fish together?

One thing I know for sure:
You can't afford to have unprotected sex with him until you've seen 2 negative tests for AIDS, spaced 6 months apart, & until you know that he hasn't been having sex anywhere else during the 6 months between the tests.

I'm so sorry.
carla35
19 years ago
Or, maybe it is the "guy" friends that you have to worry about...if you get my drift...

Something sure smells fishy--non pun intended. I'd be careful.
asolo
19 years ago
"Admittedly, he is a closet perv. He no longer has a porn collection (my insistence) but he "handles" his situation daily."

Is this what passes for a "husband" and "father" these days? Whoa!
coolmama
19 years ago
"Or, maybe it is the "guy" friends that you have to worry about...if you get my drift..."

Brokeback Mountain!

All jokes aside,I agree with the others.Something is very not right. Be a detective,add up the pills like linda suggested.

Someone I know is also dealing with a BF who "handles" himself daily. Except he DOES look at porn,and isnt intrested in having sex with her at all. She is heartbroken over it.
I think there are more closet pervs out there than people realize. (and no,it is absolutely not my husband)
popi_gw
19 years ago
"No passion, no emotional connection."

You deserve more, young lady.

This is not good enough, a recalcitrant husband, and when he comes back, he isn't there emotionally.

I am so sorry, as well.

Popi

sexual communication

Comments (13)

asolo

coolmama

Related Discussions

popi_gw

tbuzz
Original Author

Linda

tbuzz
Original Author

Linda

ninos

sylviatexas1

carla35

asolo

coolmama

popi_gw

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

sexual communication

Comments (13)

Related Discussions

tbuzzOriginal Author

tbuzzOriginal Author

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

tbuzz
Original Author

tbuzz
Original Author