My no BS suggestion. Either the problem can be fixed or it can't, but you don't yet know what it is. He may be a homosexual, in which case you can't fix it. Or, he may have a sexual interest that he is too embarrassed to tell you about. Figure it out -- you need to snoop on his computer or into his stash of porn and find out what it is that gets his motor going. It may be something you can use. It is still fantasy, and your reality can push it aside. Given his sweet personality, I would guess that his proclivities are on the submissive side, but he does not have the guts to come out to you. There are lots of ways a woman can tap into that without degrading yourself (just sift on the web past the degrading over the top male fantasy stuff, and find folks who have wrestled with your issue in a real relationship). If he is sincere, the first thing he needs to do is stop self-pleasuring. Within a few days you will look pretty good to him, but if he is getting his release apart from you that will completely dampen his ardor. This could well be a porn addiction case. Take away his computer privileges. Figure out if he is paying for porn sites. Be aggressive - you have a right to be mad, but you can save your marriage if it is saveable. Even if you figure out that his tastes are something you cannot abide, that will make it easier to move out. There are plenty of men that would love to love you, and in your 50s the quality of the men might be better even where their sexual prowess is less than 25 years before.

Thank you all for your posts.I'll try to answer all your questions. "if this were your biological son who abused your step daughter, how would you handle the situation??" I would do everything in my power to help him and make any sacrifices that were required of me. But the problem is that my husband is not willing to ignore the rest of his children and focus on helping him.He has alot of anger towards him because of what he did to his other siblings.He doesn't feel comfortable showing the girls affection because he doesn't want them to think he is trying to be sexual...One of the twin boys has also been really affected by the abuse and is really confused as to his "sexuality" he seems to thik he has to act feminine because of it.To top it off,my husband has never had a close relationship with the oldest at all.When his wife left and he was alone raising the 4 children he took on his moms role and was very abusive toeards everyone,including my husband.He blames his xwife and his mother for making him the monster he has become and he just doesn't want to spend the rest of his life dealing with his mental illness.HIs x wife left him because she couldn't she deal with him anymore.although he is too young to be diagnosed,i honestly believe that he is a manic deppressive like his mother.I can only imagine what he will be like a few years from now if he indeed is-because he has so many other issues along with that.The fact that the 2 women who raised him were both selfish,controlling,deceitful,cunning and verbally abusive doesn't do much for his personality either because this is exactly what he is like.I feel for him, i truly do..but i don't want to spend my life trying to undo such horrible parenting.I never would have gotten married had i known that i would have to neglect my own children to help fix this child in the first place.The fact that he also abused my daughter adds the fact that my daughter would probably resent me for the rest of my life for having put her abuser's needs ahead of hers and i don't think anyone would be willing to do that. "Don't you think he deserves a chance to heal and become the best he can be? Why throw the baby out with the bath water? His behavior is a loud cry for help. Someone needs to answer the call." I agree someone does need to answer that call,the problem is that the only person who is willing to take him in and raise him is the grandmother-who thinks he is just misunderstood and spoils him to death.She basically excuzes all his bad behaviors and tries to justify his cruelty to others by saying that he can't help it because of the way his mom raised him.So he is never held accountable-and he plays right into it and pulls on her heart strings every time he is in trouble so that she can bail him out.This little boy lies,steals,beats other kids up,runs out of the classroom in school,yells at the teachers,refuses to bath with soap,thros dirty toilet paper on the floor,breaks whatever he gets a hold of when he is angry,has full blown tantrums that last for hours,is direspectful to adults in general and cruel to animals and she says its normal because he is becoming a teenager...My husband can't stand his mother because of it so it makes co-parenting virtually impossible because she will ignore my husband and do whatever she wants with him.I know that she is not what he needs-but what am i suppose to do?Put everyone elses's needs on the backburner to try and make him the best he can be? Its not fair to the other kids-especially his that have had to live in his shadow all of their lives.Besides i am dealing with alot of guilt since i was spending so much time trying to "help" him,exhausted and streched to my limit-i wasn't emotionally available to the rest of the children when he was abusing them.Maybe if i hadn't been so tied up deling with him all day my daughter would have come to me sooner...or i would have picked up on signs that it was going on.Because thinking back,there were many signs-i was just too drained to put them all together. if you abandon the marriage now, no one will heal from the harm that has been done. I agree with that statement totally,I love my husband and my stepkids but i have stayed in this relationship mostly because i want these children to have some closure from the harm that has been done.I don't think i could live with myself knowing that i just ran away from this situation not to have to "deal" with it.Its important for all of us to get through this,it will teach them a valuable lesson in life.We shouldn't "run away" from things,we should confront them and find a way to overcome them... Are there other relatives around who will take on the responsibility of the SS ? Unfortunetely the only relative availableand willing is the grandmother. My husband would not be willing to move out and stay with him,he has a hard time going to the visits to see him and when he does he usually comes home feeling all mixed up.He says he has conflicted feelings,he loves him because he is his son,but he acts so much like his xwife and his mother-who he can't stand to even speak of,that he feels as if he is just just like them..I think they call it "transference" in other words he sees him and he sees "controlling,abusive,crazy mother and x wife" whom he chose to get out of his life when he realized that their toxic behaviors were making him "physically ill".This is his son-and he is just as toxic as they are.I think he struggles with the fact that he is so much like the two women who have caused im so much pain and misery in his life and nomatter what he does he is destined to have to deal with his toxic son for the rest of his life.Its just all really complicated...Right now i am just focusing on the kids i am raising and helping them heal from the trauma they suffered. There is no way i could focus on his oldest and remain sane.Its just too overwhelming.

FWIW...I've been close to a number of these situations over the years. Each situation involved a viable father/son enterprise that did well over the years providing good livings for all concerned as the businesses grew. Here's how it went: Father and son have up-and-running business that they want to leave "off the table" in case something goes wrong in the son's marriage. That's fair enough, right? That's all the pre-nup does, right? What happens when the break-up comes? Because of the proprietary nature of the business, much of the increasing value that could have been paid as wages -- and therefore remained "on the table" during the marriage-- was, instead, plowed back into business equity, which -- according the terms of the pre-nup -- remains "off the table" at break-up time. I'm not saying it was in anyone's heart at the time. Just saying that's what happened in the cases I'm familiar with. In other words, via a pre-nup, your prospective husband will have a built in avenue by which to "hide" assets accumulated during your marriage that you will have agreed in advance -- via the pre-nup -- never to claim your fair share of.....ever. Pre-nups can easily be structured to avoid this. Personally, however, from your description, I have zero doubt that will be the kind of pre-nup you'll be signing when the time comes. Understand the legitimate desire of father/son to "protect" this business. That's fair. Securing your own legitimate interests is fair, too. If there's going to be a pre-nup, STRONGLY suggest you be represented by your own attorney who will better-explain these contingincies to you. It's common as nails. Not suggesting anybody's out to do anybody harm. The situation is what it is. The law says what it says. We're all grown up. Just look at what there is to look at before deciding is all I'm suggesting. Talk to anyone you know with any kind of legal background. They'll tell you the same.

Well, okay, I'll go first... It sounds to me - from the way you've told it above - that perhaps you didn't think this through thoroughly before you decided to get married. I hope that, at the very least, this experience is helping you understand what kinds of questions and issues need to be considered before making a lifelong commitment to someone. I don't get the sense from your words that you had any kind of premarital counseling - in retrospect, it probably would have been very helpful. But that's neither here nor there at this point. I would like to suggest that - regardless of whether you stay with this man or decide to divorce him - you do some deep thinking about what marriage is. When a person stands with another in their wedding ceremony, he/she makes a vow...a commitment and a promise that is meant to be lifelong. Those words are arguably the most important promise one person can make to another and they should not be taken lightly. You broke that promise to your first husband when you cheated on him. And it sounds like you're heading down the road of breaking that promise to your current husband (should you decide to leave him). I don't think you're a "witch," but it sounds to me as though you've got a bit to learn about what the marriage commitment entails. One other thought - you may not intend this, but your last sentence makes it sound like you are looking at the person you marry with very utilitarian eyes - as a sperm donor, if you will. Bringing a child into this world is not about acquiring something you want for yourself. Good parents realize early on that having a child is much much more about giving of yourself than about getting for yourself. I encourage you to ask yourself: "What am I teaching my child(ren) about marriage and relationships by the way I'm living my own life?" A hard question, but if you are intent on setting in motion the process to create a new little life in this world, it's one that really needs to be examined. Best of luck to you.