You know what? The counselor is a "middle man". But is that really a bad thing? Sometimes its just too hard to say things face-to-face, and an anonymous person (counselor) makes things easier. Its not who it is said to, so much that it is being said at all. That's the important thing. The counselor is there for you both. Don't forget that. Seize this opportunity. About 7 yrs ago, my husband and I went to a counselor. I went first, and found out that even if he wasn't willing, I should if I felt the need. I did. But I learned a lot. After several sessions on my own, hubby went too. The counselor was just as "there" for him as he was for me. We both found him to be an "impartial" third party that helped us get over some "inertia" and move forward -- for better or worse. Try it, I think you may find it may help. The one lesson I really learned from counseling -- doing nothing, is doing *something*. Doing nothing benefits no one.. it just lets fate decide your life rather than taking your life in hand. I think it could really be a benefit to you.

Hello, I am a lurker, but I have to add my 2 cents worth too :) I am married to a verbally abusive husband and my depression was so bad I didn't want to live and divorce would be very messy. We have been married 7 years, and from what I am told 7 years can be the toughest and is generally the "make or break" turning point in a marriage. So my last resort was to go talk to one of my associate pastors to be counseled. I have been going for a month on my own and didn't hide it from my husband, because I don't like secrecy, and things have done an almost 180 degrees. He didn't like it or agree, but let me go if I never asked him to go with me and I agreed. I love being counseled, and the biggest surprise is my husband is starting to change with me. I wish he would come, but he is proud and doesn't want a pastor to know that he isn't as nice as the general public thinks he is. He was vicious at home but in public he was as sweet as sugar and no one was the wiser. I didn't tell friends or family because it was embarrassing and I didn't think anyone would believe me because he was careful not to let it show. I am an absolute supporter of counseling of any form or for anyone in a troubled marriage. Even if it's just to go and ask for advice once or twice, please do go, it helps to talk it out and get another opinion or point of view. I know my situation is unique and many men will never change, but if you can, please give counseling a try if you are able to go. ~ HomemadeCountry

Marriage counselling can be very helpful even when a couple are really serious about sorting out problems. The idea that problems can be resolved by talking about them doesn't always work. What can happen is that you go round and round in circles covering the same ground but failing to reach a resolution. This in turn leads to a feeling that it is best to bury difficulties and not talk about them because talking leads to greater unhappiness. It highlights issues that cause the greatest hurt. In counselling a third party is brought into discussions. This person is trained to guide discussion so that it is constructive. If additional expertise is needed to help with specific problems then this is also available. For us counselling brought us back to the point of reliving what it felt like to fall in love all over again. A word of caution. Our first attempts at getting counselling was a disaster because neither of us related to the counsellor. We tried again elsewhere and found someone who was superb at listening and guiding. It's a case of 'If you don't at first succeed - try, try again.'

OK, I see your point about it not being fair to dump everything on my MIL. It would probably be painful for her to listen to us discuss our problems, and maybe we would tend to overshare. I wouldn't want her to feel that she has chosen sides or been unsupportive of one of us. And we would not have been discussing sex! that would definitely be awkward! But no problems there. And I wouldn't have considered it if there were any ugly secrets to be revealed (I always thought it was a mistake for dh's cousin to talk about her husband's affair. He seemed sincerely contrite, and wanted to try to work things out, but I think that everyone knowing the details made it harder for her to think of taking him back. Anyway, I digress..) We have very different parenting styles - he is the authoritative type, and I am firm, but non-confrontational. One of our children is very stubborn, emotional and passive-resistive, and it's dealing with this child that brings out dh and my differences. I love the Love and Logic parenting books by Foster Cline, but that style is the polar opposite of what dh does. Although I asked dh to read these books, which I found very helpful, he just doesn't ever get around to it. I tried to explain/summarize, but even to my ears the message didn't come across as very convincing. I copied a few pages last week, and asked him to just read that much (hoping to pique his interest) but he hasn't got around to that either. I'm not sure how to convince dh to change, but I feel like my love and respect for him slipping away every time I hear him shouting at our son. And finances - we are not in dire straits, but of course with four kids there is never enough money to buy all that we want. He has a hard time denying himself things he wants to buy, so he's working like crazy (sometimes 100+ hours per week) to make enough to keep us afloat. While I am grateful that he is not a deadbeat, I think we'd be stronger as a family with less money and more time together. And he probably does feel that he will be blamed for everything. I am so unhappy and frustrated lately, and I can't imagine that he is not unhappy, too. He says that he has no complaints about me (I must be perfect, right??) but I wonder how that can be true. When we talk, he appears to listen, but nothing ever changes, so I feel like he doesn't really value my thoughts and feelings. I think our issues have been around for awhile, but it's just recently that our finances have been tight enough, and our children challenging enough, that I'm really bothered. I was listening to a radio show on the way to work last week, and the host said that sometime it is pointless to try to change your spouse, who probably has had the same habits for years. In that case, he said, it is better to change the way you feel. I just can't imagine feeling good about our relationship the way it is now.