Toni, DH and I went after about 1.5 years of marriage. (We have now been married 17+years) The first session is usually an inventory of your past year. What bothers you, have there been any major upheavels in your life (birth, death, job change). THis will help the counselor find out where to concentrate. For example if one stress area is money, they can help budgeting. Ours (as I'm sure most really) turned to more "Learn how to TALK to each other" and "Learn how to LISTEN to each other". We learned to talk so we'd both (usually) listen. We learned that we learned from out parents - Good and Bad. It was HARD WORK. But since your DH is willing to go, and if both of you WORK on the assignments (yes there is usually assignments and homework), it will do wonders for each of you. Good luck Vickey

Hi Phoggie & All, Well no, I have not left him. But yes, I have gotten on with my life! We are living together quite peacefully as I have completely detached from the whole "stepkid/family" issue. In fact I have only seen them once in the past year at Christmas. I'm still looking to purchase a home. My previous offer fell through a week from close. It was a short sale & quite a learning experience. Dh seems to have come to terms that if we are to have a life together, I'm not going to be a part of his childrens lives and they are not going to be a part of mine. I know it must seem cold, but I just can't do that or go there anymore. I don't see myself ever having any type of a meaningful relationship with them in the future. I do worry this is painful for DH, but I have to protect myself & my wellbeing. I'm still going south for the winter the end of Oct to be near my son & family, DH will come visit when he can/work allows. I'm already getting excited to go spend time with my kid & folks. I get a little lonely at times because we both work so much and he spends a lot of time going to his house or fishing but when we are together it's peaceful, no arguing and we enjoy each others company. At times I wonder how long we can go on like this. Together, yet seperate but somehow it works. I can tell you though that DH behaves like a loving thoughtful spouse and that there isn't any major drama or issues going on between he & I in the least. It is quiet and nice. I don't hear about too much with his kids unless he is venting to me out of sheer frustration and I just listen. And he feels better, and we move on. He is able to just let go and enjoy being part of us because there is not the constant drama & upset driving us apart. The best way I can describe it is that I just stepped away from it all and started enjoying my life and things I like to do again. I can't even describe how much more peaceful my life is since I desengaged from the whole situation. It's not perfection, but I am in a much happier place emotionally now. I do suspect that DH longs for family togetherness where everyone meshes into one big happy family however, thats just not realistic-for us. That's about it for me..thank you for thinking of me. Now I need to go catch up with all of you :0) ~Cat

It has been almost a month since I posted. He finally started coming out of his grief and being angry all the time a week or two ago. It was like having the old DH again and things were fine. Then something bad happened, he got rejected from a job he really wanted. He also heard some bad things that were being said about him. Now he is back into that 24/7 angry mood. I tried to talk to him and tell him it is just one job and don't pay attention to what other people say, but he is vulnerable right now and won't listen to me. I wonder if this is the way it is going to be forever. Is he so tied up in his job that he has no other identity? Or will he finally come out of it and when? I am willing to wait if I feel it is worth the wait, but I don't know if I can take another 30 years of anger and negativity. I have seen that happen to relatives of mine. They never let go of past hurts and made life miserable for everyone around them. Thanks for all the posts. There were some very good comments. Yes I do miss him when he is away. Not every single minute but quite a bit. Even though he wasn't there during the week, he was always in my thoughts. And we would call and email several times all day long every day. And I do care whether he lives or dies. I think I would feel a lot of grief if something happened to him. A bunch of female friends were talking and asked if anyone of us would marry again if something happened to our current DH. I said I never would remarry, my DH would be a tough act to follow. I would measure every man I met against him and I doubt many would make the grade. And I admit it, I am scared and do miss the financial stability we had when he was working. The whole financial situation the country is in right now is scary. I have started applying for jobs. We need the money and the insurance. He can stay home and take care of our Autistic son for the next 20 years, I have done it for the last 25, and I will go to work. That just might be what we both need. Clare

I feel compelled to give you all an update. We talked some more today and she told me that part of the reason that she married me was to get out of her bad situation at home. She also told me that she would do anything for the kids but maybe not for me. The cincher she told me that we have nothing in common and the she thinks she may just want to live alone. She doesn't have a great relationship with her family, but what I noticed today is that we weren't sad talking about ending the marriage or anything like that. It was like planning a trip or something. It was very weird. As crazy as this sounds, I have always had to take care of her as well as the kids so I keep thinking that I need to fix this as well. Until today. I told her to make a decision and tell me how she feels and what she wants to do. I think it will probably end I just need to see a divorce lawyer and start to learn more about what I need to do. It's time for me....I'm tired of taking care of everyone else....may sound arrogant...but I'm exhausted and not going to stay with someone that doesn't want me around. I told her that there are times that I see her looking at me in disgust...she said sometimes she does. Being alone and enjoing my kids is better than wasting my time taking care of someone that doesn't want me around. I hope I meet someone too that wants to laugh, travel and enjoy life. Life isn't very enjoying to me right now and all the counseling in the world won't make me forget what she said to me. Take care everyone and thanks for all your advice.