thank you lazygardens, as you can imagine I feel quite numb, and thought it might be the shock and/or the birth control, I feel so bad for even worrying about it. But I am. I never saw it coming, one day she was here, the next day she's lying on a hospital bed dead before my eyes, I still can't get the image of her out of my head, I remember thinking, this can't be my mum, mum was so healthy and active, although she battled trying to lose weight, she was was healthy and always doing something. I've submerged myself in work to try to get on with things, a few funny things have occurred like her picture falling several times off the desk when no one is near it, talk back radio coming through speakers that have no power running through them, I feel like she is around me; maybe she is or maybe I just wish she was. I'm grateful for this site where people can come and get things off their chests, or just have some comfort in knowing they aren't alone. So, to whoever set this site up, thank you and God Bless.

Just thought I would pop back in. Doesn't god hate lazy people too who refuse to help themselves or take care of their family? We went to visit both our families this weekend...about an hour away. We were supposed to eat lunch with my family today. He had wanted to stay at his mom's and I wanted to stay at my mom's (more comfy bed), so he said lets split up. We ate dinner with his mom Sat night, she offered to pay and he grabbed the check and said no we will pay. Then proceeds to hand it to me since he has no $$$. I don't know why but I paid. I should have said something. His mom knows we are having trouble - he told her we are declaring bankruptcy and I told her the business has failed. So I call him at 12 today to say I was on my way to pick him up. He says no I have to go home to work we need to leave now. I said that we already had plans and he could eat with us if he wanted or stay at his moms, and I would pick him up afterwards.. He chose to stay there and sulk. His mom pissed me off as she knew we had plans with my family and she says to me on the phone when I called to talk to him at 12...oh we are celebrating aunt so and so's birthday today at such and such place if you want to go there instead. Then we get home at 5pm and he goes to bed. He hasn't had any photoshoots in a month, so any work he might have is from over a month ago. Plus he never mentioned he needed to leave at 12 even when I spoke with him the night before. Whatever. y mom asked what was wrong, because clearly I was upset, even though I was trying to hold it all in. So against my more rational judgement I kinda told her what was going on. I really didn't know what she would say...she is pretty religous. She said, well I hope he gets it together and you don't have to get divorced, but you can't keep wasting your life and always having to push him. I was pretty suprised. I thought she might say, that its not that bad and it would be wrong to divorce. I told her I would feel like a failure for getting a divorce and she was very reassuring that isn't the case. (Note: She is divorced, but my dad beat her all the time and finally she left after 11 years - the church told her she shouldn't) I mentioned the only way he will probably find a new job is if I do his resume and send it out. She said she wouldn't do that...that he needs to do it himself and if not, then he has made his choice and I shouldn't feel bad to have him leave. Then my brother arrived at lunch and asked where my husband was since he figured he would be at lunch. I told him less. Brother is younger than me and has his own business and really likes my husband...considers him a brother. I just said he was in a bad mood, that the business wasn't going well. Brother said that he had talked to him at XMAS trying to help...suggesting sales calls, networking, inviting him to his business assoc. mtgs etc. I said he hasn't went on one sale call, sent out any direct mail, phone calls or trade shows ever in three years, doesn't call his customers back when they have complaints and has a bad rating with the better business bureau. He said, well he could turn it around, but it would require 80 hr work weeks, tons of sales calls, resolving issues etc. He said it doesn't sound like that will work. I was very calm just matter of fact with my family...not emotional, not saying I hate him etc. Just the busines isn't working and that I told him he needs to go back to work. Brother asked how much the business is making, if I didn't mind saying, which I didn't...I told him $615...he thought that was per week....I said, no that is per year. He agreed time to say goodbye to it. He did say his 1st three businesses didn't succeed, but that he doesn't have a "sugar mamma" so if he doesn't work he doesn't eat. Then went on to say its not fair to me to have live that way. Of course I asked each of them to keep this confidental. I really hadn't planned on saying anything to my family since I embarrassed about the entire thing and also because if we do reconcile I do not want them to hold a grudge, but I think the way I presented it, that will not be the case. Plus my family typically doesn't hold grudges. I didn't tell my brother I was thinking about a divorce though. Not really ready to tell everyone. Hopefully it wasn't a mistake to mention it to my mom. I delivered all the bankruptcy forms and support docs to our atty this week and we will file March 15. I found a new job that pays 10k more as my current employer eliminated by job in Dec and I have been doing data entry work for the past four weeks, so I start that in a week. It will involve some travel. Even with the increase we still qualify for the bankruptcy, thank god, because I can barely pay all the nessecary bills. Thank you all for listening to my vent...I really needed to get that out. I am willing to give it to the end of May. If he doesn't have a job by then, I am done. It makes me cry just typing that out.

Hi Lilli22 I UNDERSTAND. If you have not had your heart tested with an echocardiogram, I would consider that on my high priority list. This way you will rule out any heart disease. (Remember: Heart disease is the number one killer of women. Now that I have scared the daylights out of you, take a deep breath and keep reading. I KNOW what it feels like to suddenly out of the blue start having irregular heartbeats. April 11 2007 my world, as I knew it, came crashing down, when early one morning I stood up from my desk, climbed the stairs and when I reached the top I could not breath, my heart was pounding in my ears,my thigh muscles were quivering and I was near fainting. I am a retired nurse. I calmly found my blood pressure cuff and noted that both B/P and Heart Rate was rapidly accelerating. I called the rescue squad. Long story short, I was sent to a cardiologist where they proceeded to do a 24 hour holter monitor test. Diagnosis: non-specific tachycardia (rapid heart rate) that is "not to be concerned with." August 2007, I found myself back in the ER with the exact same symptons. This time my cardiologist ran the Echo. My heart is in fine working condition. While laying there having the test, I had a nice conversation with the technician who is about 47 and a very healthy runner. She told me she too has non-specific tachycardia and her heart will race up to 177 beats when she is sitting still and then will immediately drop back down to her normal resting heart rate. She works in the cardiology department and there is no reason for her racing heart, other than the theory that has yet to be "proven" by what appears to be an ignorant medical research society. That theory? Estrogen flucuation. If you go to reputable websites you can read this theory.. irregular heartbeats are connected to estrogen flucuation..there is just no proof. As far as your herbal usage I think it is wonderful that you are open to other means of treatment, however I have found that sometimes the very herbs we take can have a negative effect. By taking so many one would never know which one could have that effect. I do know from speaking with other ladies that Don Quai has negative side effects for some. I also know from personal experience that taking yam extract natural progesterone can have a negative side effect too. What I am saying is: I believe if I wasn't sure an herb was working I would want to know which ones were and how would you go about finding that out? By eliminating one at a time..just a suggestion. But first I would have that echo..just another suggestion and then if your tests are fine..perhaps you might need your thyroid medication adjusted. My mother had thyroid disease and she had to have her medication adjusted many times over her lifetime. That little "butterfly" at your throat can make ones heart flip flop unmercifully.It is such a powerful mechanism that is so readily overlooked by the medical profession. Now for what I do..sometimes I am like my name "serenely frantic" meaning I may look calm on the outside but on the inside I am going batty with the racing heart...but now that I know it is "the change" and I know that I am not going to die...I exercise..eat right...dropped my coffee to a small cup in the a.m., stay away from simple carbs, colas, negative people, anything containing stimulants, (over the counter cough, cold, or even prescription drugs) I also take time for me. It is a MUST as it appears that irregular heart beats are the norm for a lot of peri and post menopausal women. Now it appears that you are an educated researcher and advocate for yourself, so please make sure you have a doctor who takes you seriously. If they do not then it is time to move on. Hope this has been of some help and that I was not too blunt.

Hi Roze, I was on the pill for years and when I turned 48 my Dr. had me go off for a specified amount of time - probably a month - and then they ran a test to see if I was still ovulating. The first test said I was, so I stayed on the pill for a couple more years, and then the next test indicated i was menopausal. I'm pretty sure it was a blood test. Good luck!