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How often do you have sex?

19 years ago

My husband I have been together for 14 years and our sex life is almost non-existent. I can take it or leave it and really have no desire--I am 45, no menopause, periods are regular. My GYN has run hormone tests and everything is normal. When we do have sex we enjoy it, I just don't have the desire.

Are other women my age like this or is something wrong with me?

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Comments (9)

asolo
19 years ago
Everyone is different at every stage along the way. Men and women both. And most change as the years go by. "Normal" is meaningless because almost anything/everything is "normal" for some folks. Compatibility and/or acceptance is more important.

Are you concerned for yourself only or are you concerned your husband may be disappointed? Are you afraid you're missing something?

My neighbor's a golf nut. Plays every day. Very enthusiastic and encouraging. Really like him and his wife. I play a couple times a year at a much different level. I enjoy those games. However, I have no desire to do it more often. I don't wonder if there's something wrong with me. I don't think you should either.
popi_gw
19 years ago
Maybe you could work on making YOUR life more pleasant.

Get a new haircut, new clothes, new perfume, new sheets, new bed even ! Lets face it at 45 (and I am too), its a bit like being at a crossroads in your life. Are we now old ? Are we still young ? Are we moving slower ? Have we put on weight ? It a minefield of mixed emotions. The children are teenagers or older and they are exploding with their emotions. Its draining.

For me, I get great comfort in being creative, and have started meditating, and burning incense that creates a lovely fragrance in the house. I know this sounds nutty, but for me, its really relaxing, and I feel very happy and feminine. I guess I am paying more attention to myself and what makes me feel good. I am also teaching myself the guitar, its only half an hour but I am pleased with my progress.

Maybe you could investigate such things...if you feel happier in yourself you might just feel more amorous !

A difference perspective for you to ponder.

Popi
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Wow...sex can both create a great deal of pleasure and cause a great deal of pain. A lack of sex was what brought an end to my 10 year marriage. For the first five years, the frequency went from once a week down to twice a month to once every two months. For the three following years, it was twice a year, and only once a year in the final two years. Like several others who have posted, I had a husband who was not interested in sex. I tried MANY times to talk to him about it and he always insisted he was just tired or stressed. This got a little old after a while considering that we did not have children, and his job was really not that stressful (he worked for a family business). I was terribly lonely at times and felt like I had a room-mate, not a husband. I finally divorced him because the frustration and lonliness became to difficult to bear and he simply refused to open up to me. Believe it or not, I felt less lonely on my own than I had felt being married to him, knowing he had no interest in me. I am surprised with the "lack of sex" posts that nobody has brought up the temptation to go elsewhere. All I have to say on that subject is DON'T do it. I was faced with that temptation (and believe me, it was huge). Looking back now, two years later, I am so glad I did not give in to it. It is difficult enough to end a marriage and start your life over without the "muddiness" of an affair. Ending a marriage is a decision that requires a clear head and no external influence. I think it's the only way to be sure you are making a decision that is right for you, not just one that feels good at the time. Just my two cents for those of you considering the option.
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Actually there is a system you can try.A psychologist once suggested that if you avoid sex for a while, don't bring up the subject, look attractive, wear perfume, but act like it never ocurred to you, you will discover what your husband's comfort level is. It may be twice a week, or once a week. Then you switch to the opposite, which is be really sexy & push it, and you will find out what level he is uncomfortable with. At the same time, you can find out about yourself. Everyone is different, and sometimes (like vacations) its more often. However, studies show that couples don't agree on how often they do have sex. Usually the person who is less interested thinks its oftener than the other one does. You can also quietly track this on a calendar and see how often it really is and if there is any correlation with work or other obligations. Generally the person who is less interested seems more desireable --so learn to be a little more worth chasing, and never complain about how often, etc. Its supposed to be fun. If it isn't fun and wonderful--who would want to do it oftener?
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How often do you have sex?
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Comments (42)
I'll have to say that in the past week my sex life has gotten a real jump start. Twice in a week! And both very nice. So Here I was complaining that it's once every 2-3 weeks and now this happens. It seems the average has jump in the stats for at least this week so I'll have to keep a lid on it for the time being. However, this brings me back to something I've read many times. Couples that have sex more often think about it more often. While those who don't have sex think less about it or lose their desire & interest. It seems so simple because it's the same in anything you do. When my wife jumped into bed last night she sighed "it feels good to those clothes... no, that not an invitation". I didn't think it was but it was fun to hear. We both wear nothing when we're sleeping. What do you sleep in?
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coolmama
19 years ago
I heard somewhere that one to two glasses of wine acts as an "aphrodisiac" for women. Of course,any more then that does the opposite.

I agree if you did more things to make you "FEEL" sexy,maybe you'd have the desire.A good haircut,getting nails done,a sexy outfit.And then take a bath and smooth on lotion,add some perfume.It's like foreplay for yourself to get you in the mood.
There is no doubt that when I feel sexy,I'm more opt to want sex.
14 years is a long time to be with someone,and unfortunately,with those years comes being a little "too familar" I've been with my husband 10 years too,and our sex life goes through "spurts".(like any normal couple)

Also,try to spice things up a bit.Go to a swanky hotel instead of just at home in your room or something.You know what they say,people who are on vacation have more sex because you're tricking your brain into releasing those feel good hormones.

It may seem like alot for sex,but after once or twice those feelings will stick with you.You'll have the fond memories of the good sex and perhaps desire it more.

My husband and I are constantly doing things to spice ours up.Because if it gets "same old same old" who wants it?
It could be something as simple as watching a movie that we think is sexy.

I think when you it boil it down though,no woman wants it as much as her husband/boyfriend does,LOL.So we have to do other things sometimes to make us want it more.

Good luck,and dont give up.There are lots of things you can try. I even heard that doing a few pelvic exersices like hip thrusts and sit ups gets the blood flowing "DOWN THERE" and can get a woman in the mood.(from my point of view,this DEFINITELY WORKS!)
popi_gw
19 years ago
LOL Coolmama....we will all be doing those hip thrusts now, what a great idea !
coolmama
19 years ago
It really does work,popi! I saw it on Strictly sex with Dr. Drew.
emmhip
19 years ago
We have sex about once a week. Sometimes twice. I am 28 though. We have two kids and work opposite schedules, so sometimes we go through "spurts" like some of the other posters. I have found that excersising regularily has helped me. After baby #2, I wasn't feeling so hot about myself. Totally overwhelmed, body not where I wanted it, etc. Once I started feeling better about myself (and, not perfect, just more confident), things started heating up again!!!
smiley_1
19 years ago
There is no normal or not normal for how often to have sex. But I think women blame themselves too much. In my first marriage, I had a strong sex drive but didn't enjoy it with my husband. He was really, really awful in bed. I've been married 6 years to someone else, and we do it most days. The kids are grown and gone, he's retired--it's a refreshing way to start the day at this point in our lives!
deniseperracini
19 years ago
Hi! I can totally relate to your post.
I am 42 and I've been married for 8 years, and for the past 2 years gradually lost the desire which is now non-existent.
It happened during my first marriage too, around the same point - 6th year of marriage and a toddler.
My husband is convinced that I bond so strongly with my kids,that feel no desire for intimacy with anybody else.
I guess he could be right, but the fact is that I would be pretty happy to be the way I am, if that didn't bother my husbands.
Often I think that I am just not "marriage material",unless I could find an non sexual husband!
second_wife
19 years ago
I am 41 and he is 47 we have been married a little over a year and we have sex once a week. He has a high stress job and needs down time during the week, so weekends are when he and I are intimate.

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