dayenu makes a really good point about breakfasts. I don't know what it is about breakfast -- maybe because we so often eat it alone? -- but it seems to be so idiosyncratic; the meal where we are most likely to eat something no one else wants, and the meal we are least likely to feel adventurous. A lot of people eat the same breakfast every day, or at most choose from a limited list; how many of us do that for lunch or dinner? Same for different menus; we sit down to the same dinner, but at breakfast, we each do our own thing. And some people hear "breakfast" and think of eggs, some want only bread or cereal and fruit, some want vegetables or fish, some want last night's leftover chicken, some want the last piece of pie, some can't handle anything but coffee and juice ... and NO ONE wants to have to discuss it. Plus, as a guest, I don't want to be putting my hosts to trouble when they may be hurrying out the door for work or otherwise trying to get through their morning routines (which, likewise, we don't like to have disrupted). It's hard to know how to be polite in that situation, because trying not to make work can actually be the most exasperating to the host. When I am the host, it used to be so awkward: "What can I fix you for breakfast?" "Oh, anything." "Well, I make really good omelettes -- how about an omelette? I have cheese, mushrooms, and onions." "Oh, no, not eggs." "Well, how about a bagel, or some cereal, or some cottage cheese?" "Oh, just anything." "Would you like juice? I have grapefruit, orange, and tomato." "Any kind; I don't care." [Honestly, now! Of course they care! But *I* don't care what kind of juice THEY drink -- I just want them to give me an answer so I can get on with it!] As you can see, this goes nowhere fast. It drives me, as the host, crazy, but I know that my guest is really trying not to put me to any trouble. Even worse is when they say, "I'll just have whatever you're having." BIG mistake -- good chance I'm having no-fat cottage cheese and a bowl of Cheerios and granola with skim milk, or maybe some leftover kasha. That would probably come as a big surprise! But if I just go ahead and make and serve a breakfast, the way I might just go ahead and make dinner and serve it without consulting the guest on the menu, that can be really bad -- even a breakfast that's a treat for some people is a real ordeal for the poor person who is accustomed to only coffee in the morning. It's just so much harder to be a good guest and eat what's put in front of you at breakfast time. I COULD just put out everything I can think of and let them serve themselves, offering to make eggs, pancakes, or whatever, too. That's what I do if there is a big crowd (usually a bunch of teens), especially if they will be wandering into the kitchen at different times and levels of fogginess. But for real houseguests, I have learned to do what dayenu does: I ask them in advance, "Tell me what you like to eat for breakfast -- it's so personal, and we each eat something different in the mornings anyway." They start to say, "Oh, anything -- " but then they "get it" and tell me. They and I both appreciate not having to try to find something we both want to eat or to do a complicated minuet about trying not to inconvenience each other -- especially not first thing in the morning!

I think many women fully embrace their side of the family, and do the bare minimum for her husbands side. How selfish and how sad. I am surprised at how many men allow this, unless his side of the family creates emotional trauma or pain with their words or behavior. Then I understand the distance. You mentioned believer that they have enough money that they could hire housekeeping out. No problem. Do you realize that hiring house keeping is something many people can't do, even if they can afford it? For many people it is traumatic to have a stranger in their home and personal space, touching or going through their things, to clean. They can find it nearly impossible to make the phone call to allow this person into their personal space. They may fear the housekeeper stealing, or moving things, or a myriad of other reasons. For many people, it can feel threatening. Some may have a cleaning woman, and the housekeeping falls apart within a day or two after the cleaning service has left, and the house returns right back to its messy state. For people who struggle with messiness and disorganization, it creates a situation called CHAOS (which stands for: Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome). She may be able to have her family over, because they love her, and are not judging her. (Or maybe her family isn't allowed in, either). This problem can affect people from all walks of life. They may look neat and attractive, but simply lack the organizational skills, or energy, ability, or time to keep a home tidy. It may be something she has struggled with for years. Some people are able to entertain in the midst of mess and not care what others think. Others can't breathe, feeling vulnerable and judged and exposed. Believer, it sounds like you should talk or write a letter to your brother about the pain of never hearing from him, and the hurt that he keeps you at arms length. Do not attack his wife. Just tell him you need to know he cares. Can he see you now and then for pizza, or just call to say hi? And you need to be able to hear without defending yourself if he tells you why. If you have said or done things that have hurt his wife, at one time or another? Just listen and ponder his side of this distance, without excuse, or accusation, or defending yourself. Just listen and learn. And then go home and ponder what he has to say.

She was diagnosed with Lupus when she was a soph. in high school. She nearly died then but it went into remission and stayed in remission until she was in her 60's I don't know if she had multi problems or if the Lupus causes high blood pressure, but hers was very high and they couldn't control it even with taking several blood pressure pills. She sat down in her recliner one evening to read her Bible...and never woke up. The next morning her husband found her there with her open Bible laying on her chest. He though she was asleep. He said she looked so peaceful. She didn't have a real good life but she made the best of it. She was very friendly and loved being with people. She didn't take to my mom who came to take care of the two little ones when my dad's first wife died. She had been with her grandmother and wanted to stay there. I remember she had bad eye problems and hated to wear glasses. I think the kids probably made fun of her. But even though the gave her a lot of problems they were still beautiful. Her son was the highlight of her life. She wasn't supposed to have any children because of her health...but I'm glad it happened anyway.

Pat, its ok, I'm just glad to see your ok....I did buy a tub of the udder cream and white cotton gloves. I also spoke to my doctor. She told me the key in this is prevention...moisturize daily expecially right after a shower when the skin is damp and pores are open...also moisturize hands thruout the day, after hands are in water and even after wearing the rubber gloves because some people have skin reactions from the gloves, and most important hydrate myself, drink plenty of good old fashioned water. Prevention....but once the skin on the fingers open up the skin tears need addressed..she said the more I moisturize the open tears the longer they will take to heal..she actually advised me to put a small dot of super glue on the tears when they are tiny and it should prevent a larger deeper open wound which was what was happening...I haven't tried the glue yet, all of my boo boo's have closed up finially but I'm babying them. I am wearing the playtex gloves for dishes ect. Besides washing dishes with skin issues is just nasty business. You have no idea how many pairs of disposable gloves I go thru lol..I always have. I would never dream of touching raw meat without them lol. Jim, I hear what your saying about the caffeine dehydrating a person. I do only have one cup of coffee in the AM one cup of tea in the afternoon and occasionally a cup of coffee aftet dinner, but that's rare. I drink tons of water since I usually can't stand drinking sweetness. Once in awhile I'll crave a fountain Coke. Oh, my doctor also advised me to keep my hands out of the washing machine LOL..she said detergents are going to dry hand out and expecially any detergent containing SLS. And if I'm going to continue playing in detergent laden water rinse my hands well afterwards, don't just dry them off and call my hands clean, when they will be coated with detergent. Lol...she knows me too well. Anyway thank you all for your excellent advice, and I plan to follow this good advice and hopefully prevent this from happening again.