susan - I've seen it happen a few times, but not one of those worked out. The marriages were destroyed and the new "soul mate" turned out to be Mr. or Ms. Wrong.

Doesn't mean it can't be done, but I think that would be the exception, not the rule.

Suzieque

She may be looking for that "something" that wasn't there the first time around. I think this, since you say she didn't complain about her husband until he came back into the picture. Emotionally or physically, it is adultery. I hope she really takes a long look at what she may be losing, before she makes any rash decisions. He may be "there" for one reason. He may not ever have any intentions of leaving his wife. It might be for the "thrill of it"...the thrill of "getting away with it". I am not saying it doesn't happen that it can work out...but I always say, burn me once shame on you. Burn me twice, shame on me! I wish her luck.

The problem with extramarital affairs is that everyone gets hurt! She has no idea how much! Unfortunately, she's probably gonna learn the hard way. Such a shame.........!

She's playing with fire. We all know what happens next.

She's living in a dream world. First, of all...you can never go back. Second of all, if he treated her bad the first go 'round, he will treat her just as bad or worse this time...just give him time, and thirdly, he is married. With all the single men in the world, she has to "re-connect" with someone that is married? What a great guy he must be. (rolling eyes here) Nothing good can come from this, and just because she says they haven't been intimate, I wouldn't buy that story for a minute. If they haven't, they will, and then he will probably drop her like a hot potato. Chances are he won't leave his wife. There is something there that is holding him.

Would be a different story, if he was divorced or widowed and had treated her better the first go round. This relationship has zero chance and like luckygardnr said, she's going to learn the hard way.

that old one chance at happiness is a lot of bunk! she's grasping at straws...

I think it's a fantasy. I was in a rut in my marriage and someone paid attention to me after many years. It was so exciting! I know my DH loves me, but as with most marriages, things get comfortable, life seems mundane, compliments don't come very often. I really had to think about what I would lose if I gave in to the flattering attention. I would lose a DH who loves me, stretch marks and all, who was there night and day with me after surgery performing tasks that the nurse should have done, someone who has comforted me time and again over the years, who is my best friend in the world. Suddenly, the other guy didn't look so great - twice-divorced, dead-end career, spoke of drinking on weekends he didn't have his kids... Granted, he was nice-looking and very complimentary, but nah... not worth it. Now, any attention I get, which I occasionally do, I smile, record it in my feel-good journal and keep on going.

I hope your friend will do the same.

You know what they say, if he cheats on his wife, you know darn well, eventually, he'll cheat on you......
You're a good friend....

Marilyn...maybe I am the one who is naive. I hadn't considered that maybe it has become physical between them. She might just be "testing the waters" with me. I do think that if they haven't yet, they will.

She says it "feels exciting" when he puts his arm around her, unlike when her husband does it. DUH!! She seems to think this means they are meant to be together. I told her that's just the nature of a "forbidden" relationship. I don't think she was very happy with me.

Irishdancersgram....I don't think she is going to listen to me.

If he does it WITH you he'll do it TO you. She's just scratching his itch. Why is he her ex? She must have forgot the bad parts of their former relationship.
Leslie

Just be there to pick up the pieces of her broken heart. Does not seem she is listening to you now. You sound like a good friend. I do tend to disagree with you on one point, though..You stated that "he was not a good person" I say she is not a good person either, as anyone who would betray a marriage "VOW" is NOT a good person. That is just the way I feel, I took my marriage vow it to mean an oath, vow...to death do us part, not til something more interesting came along, or I am having a mid-lifer, or my hubs has lost his hair, or he needs viagra.

She thinks they're 'soul' mates? The real question is, what does HE think of their 'relationship'--such as it is. I'd be willing to bet that he thinks of her as a convenient piece of _____. If he was truly invested in making a life with her, would he still be with his spouse? On the other hand, if she truly felt this was the right path for her--would she?

Like all the rest, I see this as playing with fire, and a lot of hurt in the future for her. However, there's not really anything you can do about it. She's in a place where she doesn't want to hear, and won't listen to good advice. All you can do is stand back, let her make her own mistakes, and then be there for her when this house of cards tumbles by her ears.

You say she's almost 50? I'd guess the biggest part of the problem right now is hormonal. When your hormones go out of whack, during menopause, one of the ones that can get a little off the wall is a woman's testosterone--which, of course, controls their sex urge. I can remember having a huge crush back then on my opthalmologist. Which naturally, I didn't act on in any way. And my husband totally enjoyed menopause with me--sometimes 4-5 times a day, every day--LOL. Now, I kept my sexual needs within my marriage, but I can imagine, some women might just start looking around for satisfaction outside of their marriages. And if that's the case, once things even out for her, and she goes back to normal hormone-wise--she's going to be shaking her head and thinking, 'WHAT was I thinking'. But again--that's not something you can help her with at this point.

"Soul mate" - always amuses me. She is close to
50, appears she has had an on-going life with a
husband, don't know if she has kids. By 50 - a lot
of life has been lived and a good share of her history
already made.

In all those years, did not the man she married, loved,
lived and grew with have any kind of a peak into her
soul?

If her marriage is not a bad marriage, and she is just
thinking it "is exciting", I would tell her to grow
up!

My ex husband had one ( that's the reason he's the ex) Few years later i saw him out somewhere and his comment to me was the grass isn't always greener on the other side.

Azzalea, I never thought of a hormonal cause. Funny, because she was also talking about menopause, she believes she is going into it now.

She has a son who is 18, and he is a very difficult young man. She's been married for about 20 years. Most of her complaints about her husband are things like "his hearing is gone and it's frustrating to talk to him", but she did also get upset that he threw out a box of baby pictures of her son and some sentimental stuff. I would be more than annoyed over that also. I wouldn't have an affair over it though.

I told someone I was emailing about it that the next time she brings it up, I'm going to point out to her that every moment of pleasure she has with this guy is at the expense of at least two innocent people (the other wife and husband), not counting her son. My DH says that she will stop talking about it to me, and I can live with that.

You told her the truth, as a friend should. Back off and let he alone. Time will wound all heels.

It won't work. A lot of wisdom above. She and he are only reliving their youth when they were more happy and carefree. He won't leave his wife, she is wasting her time, and she will be very hurt in the end.
I agree. She will most probably not listen to your advice. She will have to find out for herself the hard way. I hope she doesn't destroy her marriage. From what I have read, men are much less likely to forgive their wives for adultery than women are to forgive their husbands.
Lulie

Why is it that infatuation so often ...

... freeze-dries the brain?

Anybody for last week's mashed potatoes?

ole joyful

One relationship at a time.

If someone is your long lost soul mate, end relationship #1, wait one year without any relationship at all and if the soul mate is still hanging around, then proceed. Chances are the soul mate will be long gone/history by then.

I hope I am not breaking any kind of KT "code" - my DH & are are discussing this - his opinion - once he gets his piece of ____ he is all done. My opinion -if neither of them has the character to leave their spouses & deal with all the issues that go along with that there is no way they would ever be happy.

She should see a counselr or better yet - go COLD TURKEY - stop seeing him and talking to him & work on her marriage.

If I were you, I would really resent her dragging me into it by giving me information. Are you friends with her husband? If so, you are now involved in her deceit, unless you decide to tell him what's going on.

By telling you, she's making sure it's not a total secret anymore. If husband finds out, she'll blame you and be mad at you instead of at herself. You are in a lose-lose situation, I'm afraid.

I don't know her husband at all... except for a little bit of conversation with me on the phone, very little. She and I were friends all through school. We socialized a bit with her and her first husband. Then she moved out of town and married this husband. It was a small wedding that I wasn't even invited to. We talk on the phone at least once a week, but get together rarely.

I really don't like her bringing it up, Flamingo. Maybe she won't any more, now that she knows how I feel. I spoke with her yesterday, and she didn't bring it up... although her husband was in the house. She has other problems that are more important for her to deal with. I posted last year about her son being severely depressed. Right now he is extremely angry, and even verbally abusive. This is not the time for her to complicate her life even more.