The Road Less Traveled

9 years ago

A couple years ago I stood at a crossroads and had to chose a path to take. I was pretty sure I knew which one I would follow, so I took a deep breath and headed down that road.

To my surprise, and in some cases, irritation, I was followed down that road. But as often happens, there was another fork and I went one way and he went another. But then, like an oxbow stream, our roads met up again and became a new, stronger stream.

Some marriages don't survive infidelity. Some do, but shouldn't. Mine didn't, and I'm really glad it didn't, because what it was was not a good one-and what it was reborn as was much better. It was honest and fresh and something that fit us both rather than us trying to fit it.

Last month we marked 25 years together. I feel like we're more united than ever and that is a good thing. The scar is always going to be there, but I pick at it less every day. We'll never be who we were before, but that's also a good thing, because it obviously wasn't working, and now I feel like it is working-and we work on it together.

There are still issues-the kids are still estranged from him-but coming around bit by bit. I don't force it and he knows that if I chose them over him, it's because I want to-and it's not my place to 'fix things'. That's his burden and it's between them and him. I don't put my expectations on him and he doesn't do it to me-which is incredibly freeing and I believe what is helping us to work and grow.

But my absolute best update is my son. He's come thru remarkably well adjusted. The HELL that was 2011 is past us like a bad nightmare. He has his own place, a new girlfriend who is happy taking it slow. He started working as a dishwasher in a restaurant-his former boss and mentor passed away while he was imprsioned-and that was the only job he could get. But they gave him a chance and he worked his way up the chain to be their week night chef and kitchen manager. Soon he was recruited by the hippest restaurant in town and is now chef there; locally renowned for his creme brulee and 'antipasto sushi'. And he always mentions 'those ladies who were so good to him'. You were a blessing to our family So life is pretty good right now. The road I chose was not the one most would chose, but it was definitely the right one for me..

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Comments (24)

Bumblebeez SC Zone 7
9 years ago
I'm glad things have worked out for the two of you and hope they continue to do so. Thank you for sharing and I am so happy for your son! That must be such a relief and gratifying.
No one can choose anothers path, our lives are, well, personal. No one can live it out except us.
User
9 years ago
I'm not around enough that I don't believe I heard of all you went through Pesky, but I'm sure happy to hear things are going so well for you and your family.
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sable_ca
9 years ago
During the "turmoil" over the past few days on our convo side here, I thought about you, Pesky, and wondered how you were doing, especially after seeing the pictures you posted of your very unique and colorful home. I am so happy for you!

No one knows what goes into a marriage except the two people in it. All we can do is give our support, whether we post it or just keep it in mind, to those who are struggling to repair a union. You clearly made the best choice for you.

Your news about your son is fantastic; I am thrilled to read about how his life is working out. One of my sons had plenty of difficulties for a few years after high school, and all we could do was "be there" for him. He finally settled down to became a fully adult man, with a happy professional and personal life - but Lord, it took a long time! Many of us here understand what it takes to hang in there when they are bumbling around "finding" themselves. That your son has succeeded in a West Coast foodie heaven is remarkable! Thanks for the update!
mitchdesj
9 years ago
aah, Pesky, that is such a great update, and it gives hope
to all who are going through hard times.
hhireno
9 years ago
Those are truly things to be grateful for during this Thanksgiving season.

I'm so, so pleased that your son is succeeding. Good for him. Thanks for updating us.

Good for you for knowing that your kids and husband have to work out their relationship without your coaching. Good for you for making your marriage work for you. One size does not fit all.
Sueb20
9 years ago
Thanks for the update...I too had wondered occasionally. So glad to hear about your son, too!
deegw
9 years ago
Like Sue, I occasionally wondered about your husband and son. I am glad that you are in a good place right now. Thank you for letting us know.
anitamo
9 years ago
Such an uplifting story! Thank you for sharing, and especially great news for your son.
maire_cate
9 years ago
I'm so glad you let us know how things are going with you. I'm another one who has wondered and some of your posts seemed to include your DH but I didn't feel like I could ask.

It's wonderful that you have found a new 'marriage' and it's fantastic to hear that your son is doing so well.
DLM2000-GW
9 years ago
Pesky you made my day! So often I've wondered if you were just sweeping things under the rug because you didn't want to 'report' here that you caved in and went back to the same old same old. It's so true, no one knows what happens in a marriage but the two people in it and only they can determine the right path to take. Infidelity is not the disease, it's the flashing red light symptom. It sounds as if you have given yourself and your DH permission to change - congratulations and best wishes to you - this is not something everyone is capable of doing and it takes a strong, determined and forgiving person to walk that path.

As for your son, I'm so thrilled it tingles! So many of our kids get caught up in a system but your son was entangled way beyond what any rational person would expect for the situation. He's like his mama - made of tough stuff because not every young man would persevere in that situation but he did and I'm sure will continue to find success in his life.
maddielee
9 years ago
Thank you for the update. I have often thought of you, always with wishes that good things come your way. Sounds like they have.

ML
User
9 years ago
I have a lot of respect for someone who takes ownership of repairing a difficult or broken relationship, Pesky. I know it's not always possible to do, but many don't have the fortitude to get through the process or even begin it. And I am happy that this Thanksgiving you have the additional blessing of your son's hard work, good fortune and reinstatement into the life he is supposed to be living. Many good wishes to you and your family!
marlene_2007
9 years ago
What a wonderful update.

I am especially happy for your son, Pesky. It was difficult for me to comprehend that the State of Oregon could be so stupid and cruel to put a kid in prison for tagging when there are monsters running around free. And what for? For not paying a ticket?? I am beyond thrilled that he did not let the system break him.

Happy Thanksgiving!
tinam61
9 years ago
What a wonderful post! So glad to read your update and so happy for your family. Sounds like it will be a great holiday season for you and yours!
joaniepoanie
9 years ago
I don't think I was on GW yet when you were going through your trials, but I am so happy both you and your son have emerged victorious after a lot of hard work on both ends......congratulations!
funkyart
9 years ago
What a great and inspirational update-- you are a woman of great strength and love, Pesky. You have so much to be proud and thankful for! I am so glad that you and your family have worked together to make the paths you are on. All my best wishes that your family continue to heal and grow and, with time, your children will build stronger relationships with your husband.
bestyears
9 years ago
I'm happy for you too Pesky. One of the gifts of getting older I think, is that you realize only you know what is best for you, and you gain confidence in that perspective.

There was a tv show on for awhile, which I use to catch occasionally while I was sewing, about marriages which had been resurrected after a discovery of infidelity. In the few episodes I watched, I was always stunned at how much truer and stronger the marriages emerged. There was always a tremendous amount of work on the part of both spouses, including therapy, separation, working through issues of trust, etc. But what seemed to come of all that work was a more honest look at the relationship than either spouse had undertaken previously. And that hard look, along with a commitment to do better, proved to the strength upon which they built a future. It was powerful and deeply moving to watch the process unfold.
outsideplaying_gw
9 years ago
Sometimes we read personal stories here that warm the heart and soul. Pesky, yours is one of those. Thank you for sharing, and congratulations to your DS for his accomplishments over adversity. I was not following the conversations on this forum at the time, but am so happy you found the right road for you and your DH.
MagdalenaLee
9 years ago
These days, it seems so rare for couples to work hard to keep their marriage together. It takes a lot of strength and courage to not just give up.

So happy to hear about your son. What he had to go through was such an injustice. He obviously inherited your fortitude!
jerseygirl_1
9 years ago
Pesky,

You are indeed a gifted person to have the fortitude to pick up all the broken pieces and not only make them whole but make them better.

I don't post here often but I do read the posts and remember yours with regards to your son and husband. I know both shattered your life.

You just put the biggest smile on my fact. What a great ending to a new beginning!

Enjoy your Thanksgiving!
nancybee_2010
9 years ago
So happy things are working out for you, Pesky. Great to hear about your son. Hope you and your family have a wonderful Thanksgiving!
texanjana
9 years ago
I am so happy to read your update, Pesky. I know you and your family have gone through some tough times, and I have so much admiration for you. I am overjoyed that your son is doing so well!

Jana
annac54
9 years ago
Pesky, so glad you and your son have been able to get through these difficult times. Thank you for sharing your story. I think we all learn a little and may see things a little differently after someone has written about their problems.

Years ago, I stood at the same crossroads as you, took the same path, and like you, the roads met up again, for a time. A year later they separated again, for good after, 13 years of marriage. Fortunately, there were no children to get hurt.

We got married just after we both turned 19. We didn't know ourselves well, let alone each other. We didn't talk about the important stuff. The infidelity was a symptom of how disconnected we were. If we had met 5 years later, I don't believe we would have been partners.

I hope I have been more open and aware with my current partner. I still find it hard work sometimes. Next year will be our 25th anniversary.

I wish you a Happy Thanksgiving, and continuing hope and happiness.
gsciencechick
9 years ago
Pesky, thank you for sharing.

So glad to hear things are looking positive for your son.

The Road Less Traveled

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Bumblebeez SC Zone 7

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