I am sorry for your friend, and all who love her. You can't TELL her anything - just be there and listen - she has a lot to say and a short time to do it. She has most likely reached the 'acceptance' phase of her illness and is at peace. Just be with her as often as you can and tell her you love her.

Thank you Kay, I know I cannot "tell" her.... I guess I used the wrong word. I just hate to lose her so soon. All this has happened since Christmas. I will be there for whatever she needs, I believe she knows that. It is hard though.

It is very difficult dealing with friends and relatives with cancer. May I suggest she contact Cancer Centers of America for a alternative solution. Friend of mine went there after the Mayo Clinic said their was nothing else, and she is alive and doing much better. There are several in the US
I know what my DH and DD have gone thru, and we do have an excellent center here. I am sending you and her hugs and prayers for better health.
Marie

I'm sorry, Jenn, but her dx sounds dire. Kay is right - just love her, and do what you can to support her and her family. They need you.

With all due respect, Marie, the center you suggest has no better success statistics than anywhere else. In my opinion, it is cruel to offer false hope. Cancer Centers are for profit, and there is much controversy surrounding them. I am glad your friend is doing better, but, as a cancer patient myself, I would never go to a CCofA. http://www.cancermonthly.com/clinics.asp

Here is a link that might be useful: cancer treatment centers

I am sorry your friend is so sick. Just be there for her whenever she wants company. I think you know when to fight & when there is no hope.

I'll never forget what a dear friend said to me of her husbands death due to cancer...
That of all her regrets the main one was that she badgered him to fight, fight, fight at every turn. From what he put into his mouth, his attitude, just everything.
He knew he was dying and she felt as though she should have let him do it peacefully...after the fact. that's a regret I wouldn't want to bear.

Maybe you could be the kind of friend who helps her live this experience with a fuller heart? Listening and sharing about her hopes and dreams of what will be if she doesn't make it on this side of life?

Like I mentioned in your 1st post, I think I'd rather be the inflicted one rather than the bystander.

And one of my worst experiences were when "well meaning" people who tried to "intervene" with unsolicited medical advice. (you have your cancer your way, I'll have mine my way). (how naughty of me!)

Marie, Shermann, Mary, Deborah... thank you all for your comments.
Marie...I do not know much about cancer treatment centers, thank you for that information. I think I will ask her husband if they would consider other places of treatment.
Sherry, I agree that her prognosis is bleak. I have been doing some reading on the internet, and found that to be so. I agree that support of their decisions, love and caring is all I can do now.
Mary...you are right, Donna told me last week that she had been angry at first, but has turned her troubles over to her God. (I don't want to offend anyone here) and she said yesterday that "God will either take the cancer out of me, or take me out of the cancer".
Deborah, I will take your advice, and not bring up the 'fight fight fight' topic. We want to be there for her and her DH, not alienate them with our opinions. And, yes, it is HER cancer, and HER way of dealing with it.
Thank you all again, you have helped me. God bless you.

There is a book that was so helpful to me when a dear friend was diagnosed with cancer. It is called "Help Me Live". It was a good resource for me to get some ideas about what might help in interacting with her. It was great.

Thank You Suzieque... I will look for that tomorrow. I do need it.

Take care of yourself, too, Jenn, because the pain, grief, and stress you are feeling will take a toll. It is very difficult to be in your position. Take care.

Thank you Sherry. It IS hard to watch this. Donna and I have been friends for 20+ years but my DH has known her even longer, they worked together years ago, even before she married her current husband. THey are our closest 'couple' friends, and the ones we go out to dinner and movies with, etc. Sad to say, we do not have a lot of friends.
'DH and I have both dealt with types of cancer, and I lost my mom to lung cancer. But no one this young (well, 61 is still young to me!). My DH is very stoic,he doesn't say a lot. Except to tell me that need to quit dwelling on it. I do not mean to dwell, it is just hard to get my mind around the fact because it all seemed to happen so fast with her.
Thank you for your concern, sorry to ramble.

I'm just so sorry for her, her family and friends.
((((Jenn and friend)))))

I'll never forget what a dear friend said to me of her husbands death due to cancer...
That of all her regrets the main one was that she badgered him to fight, fight, fight at every turn. From what he put into his mouth, his attitude, just everything.
He knew he was dying and she felt as though she should have let him do it peacefully...after the fact. that's a regret I wouldn't want to bear.

Maybe you could be the kind of friend who helps her live this experience with a fuller heart? Listening and sharing about her hopes and dreams of what will be if she doesn't make it on this side of life?

Like I mentioned in your 1st post, I think I'd rather be the inflicted one rather than the bystander.

And one of my worst experiences were when "well meaning" people who tried to "intervene" with unsolicited medical advice. (you have your cancer your way, I'll have mine my way). (how naughty of me!)

Kat and deborah... thank you so much, hugs, prayers and/or good thoughts are needed and welcome, for us all. She also has several young grandchildren that are going to miss their gramma so much.

Jen, here's something you could do that would make her feel better:

Get a good tape recorder and let her record what she wants her loved ones to know after she's gone.

My Stepson's mother passed away when he was 6 and she recorded a message for him to listen to when he turned 16. He still hasn't listened to it, but it was made for him, just in case he wanted to listen to it.

Kay... what a wonderful idea! Years ago, 13 i guess, DH and I recorded ourselves reading bedtime stories for our then 1 year old grandson, who lived 800 miles away. He and his siblings still listen to those.
I am going to email my friends DH today and see if they have a tape recorder, if not I will go buy one. I did buy her a journal to write her memories in but a message in her voice would be wonderful for her family. She was talking about having to miss her granddaughters wedding (in the future, the girl is only 7), and that would be a wonderful thing, for her gd to have a recording of her gramma to listen to. Thank you Thank You.

Hi jennava,

It is really hard to lose such a good friend ... and hard for her to leave, against her will.

However, we can't go back to yesterday, and, as you say, cancer is pretty well everywhere in her body, so it would seem to almost all of us that her coming to terms with what seems inevitable is the better way to go ... and it seems that she has done/is in the process of doing that.

Spend what time seems appropriate with her, offering support and love, perhaps going back over some of the good times that you've had together.

I hope that, after you leave, that you can distance yourself somewhat from the fear/worry/pain ... and whatever. Sometimes professionals who deal with such situations somewhat frequently find it quite difficult to distance themselves ... and some find it difficult to continue in such a lifestyle.

As some people have said, "How can you go from someone on a deathbed ... to a wedding rehearsal ... and keep your equilbrium?". When you're with people in pain, you relate to their trauma ... and with people who are rejoicing - you rejoice with them. And you're being empathetic, not two-faced.

Perhaps you could share with her, if you feel it appropriate, that a number of your friends here, living all across the country and internationally, are thinking of her and sending good thoughts and hopes, also offering some prayers on her behalf and for her family and loved ones ...

... and that includes you and your family.

ole joyful

OJ... I so appreciate your advice. I have and will continue to share with her the fact that my forum friends from all over are praying for her. She is so grateful for that.
She does seem to be coming to terms with it. Maybe better than her family and friends. I guess because it has been so quick, the diagnosis and all, that the rest of us feel we have been knocked off our feet. Maybe she has somehow known for awhile that something was very wrong? She kept saying Saturday that she has had a full, good life, and she is putting her life in God's hands now, as always.
Thank you again for your advice. It is kind of you to make the effort to help. And it does help, me, so much.

Jen, we are all here and listening. Feel free to email any of us and we will get you through this.

I appreciate it Kay, a lot. I may take you up on it. Thank you for caring

I hope you are feeling better today!

Hi Kay, I was going to email you, but wasnt sure you would recognize my email address (it is 2bxrmama@gmail.com), so decided to answer quickly here.
yes I think I am in a better frame of mind. It is easy to be melancholy, isn't it? But life goes on, and my friend is still with us. One day at a time. I plan to call her and see if she is up to company, maybe try and coax her to eat something. Maybe just watch a funny movie. I want to go over for a while without the husbands, and maybe she will be more inclined to talk about things.
And, today, I am going to seriously get started on losing this extra 50 pounds I am carrying around, going to senior water aerobics at the fitness center, and really make an effort to watch my diet.
Thank you for checking on me!

Hi again jennava,

When the life of someone important to us is at serious risk, it shakes us up seriously - it's too close to home!

Brings home to us once again a stark reminder of the fragility and impermanence of life (in this dimension, at least) ... as we look in the mirror, we sort of see death looking at us from over our shoulder.

Bless you and your hubs as you journey through this difficult path with your friend and her loved ones ... and may your friend and her loved ones be blessed and find peace, as well.

I expect that it will make her passing easier for her if she can know that her loved ones have come to terms with it, as well.

ole joyful

Thank you OJ, for the kind words. I have been meaning to update everyone. She was supposed to start chemotherapy last thursday, but ended up in the hospital with a serious infection. Thursday, I took her some daffodils out of my yard (imagine flowers blooming in february here), and was able to see her for five minutes.
She told me then, there will be no chemotherapy. In six short weeks.... the cancer has spread from her pancreas to cervix, lungs, liver, spleen, brain, bones, stomach... it is everywhere. She said she had decided on comfort instead of the chemotherapy.
When I saw her, she had just talked to the doctor and received even more discouraging news about the spread of the disease, news that her dear husband did not yet know. He had gone to their house for a few minutes rest.
She took my hand, and i could see that she was hurting, and said to me "Of the four of us, I get to go first". I told her that we have been praying for healing, but I would continue to pray for her comfort and peace. She said she has accepted this and that she will "soon see the face of the Lord". I told her that I love her dearly and will miss her, and that I will never forget what her friendship has meant to me, and how honored I have been to know her.
And I cried all the way home. And then, I cry again when I think or talk about it. She sent me a sweet thank you card for the gifts I took her, and I will keep it because it will probably be the last thing I have from her.
All in all, it is very hard to understand the whys......but maybe it is not meant for us to know that. I just know that God is in control (I do not want to offend anyone, but I guess if you are reading this, you will understand), and that there is a reason.
Thank you again for your concern...... and yes OJ it is much too close to home. Bless you for caring.

Jenna,
I lost my first husband to cancer 10 years ago. He fought it, but when the doctors had nothing else for him, he simply went to the next stage - preparing and saying good byes.
For 3 months, as he was bedroom our house was a open house...an open door for everyone to talk about the "good days".
Not everyone reaches that stage of acceptance and preparedness, but he did and we all laughed more those last weeks of waiting.

I think your friend has reached that stage, so why not let her leave with smiles and friendship, and not tears. The tears can come later.

Monica.... so sorry for your loss of your DH. Keep your memories close.
I agree that she has reached that stage. It has all been so fast, just since the middle of December. And I did save the tears for later. we had some laughs while I was there, about my new wild hairstyle, haha,and a couple things. So, no tears there. And when I get to visit her again, we will do the same, reminisce and talk about normal things, unless SHE wants to talk about her illness................
thank you for your thoughts.

I have a friend who's husband is in the same shape your friend is. He has lung cancer and was diagnosed in Nov. but never left the hospital since then. It rapidly went to his bones, brain and now infection everywhere. It's a a matter of days. Cancer is a hideous disease. You are a good friend and continue try to be upbeat for her and make her laugh. Crying will come later.

Thank you lily.... saying a prayer here for your friends husband too. You are right, crying will come later. Take care

Jenna - I'm so sorry. It certainly sounds as though your dear friend is at peace, and, in a way, looking forward to the next life (which I believe in and it sounds like she does, too). Good for you for not urging her to fight but instead accepting what she has accepted.

You and she both have my sincere prayers.

Just sending prayers and hugs for you and your friend. We do the best we can with cancer patients. My DD went thru breast cancer with DH having cancer in remission so far. Just one day at a time. He has cancer in several areas and so far the Doctors have been able to control most of it with treatments.
I wish you the best.
Marie

Your posts are so well written that I am crying with you.

You are the perfect friend with good instincts about going with the flow. I am so glad she has you.

Suzieque...thank you so much. I just heard that the hospital may send her home tomorrow, they have her on a pump for pain and i am not sure if that will continue at home, but her dh said she wants to go home.

Marie... I hope your DD and DH continue to improve. Thanks for the note, you have been so kind to me in the past. and helped me with other things.

Ellie.... aw, thank you! I often feel, and say, that I wish I could be as articulate as some of you on here. I appreciate your kind words.

I imagine as we all age, we will be in these situations more often than not. And, of course, one of these days...... no one can say when..... we will each be the one whose hand is being held. All I know is that we are not promised a tomorrow....so live today as if it is your last. I have not done that by any means, ever, in fact I am one of the worst for worrying about things I cannot change, but sometimes things happen to put life in perspective for you.
This is a wonderful place, this KT, to come and share and ask for advice, and for prayer and good thoughts. And also to pass on encouragement to our 'cyber' friends as they need it.
Bless you all!

Greetings Jenna,

I hope that things are going as well as one could expect ... with your friend ... and her family ...

... and with you - and the others who love her.

I send good thoughts and hopes for all of you - and offer some prayers on her/your behalf.

ole joyful

Hi OJ!! (loved your happy hour joke!) Thank you for inquiring. My friend is still in the hospital, apparently more infection and high fever. I am unable to visit her, I have come down with strep throat........
Your prayers are most certainly welcome, any and all., I do know that her family is having a very difficult time letting her go. Her DH reminded us today on the phone of a conversation the four of us had back in October. We were out to dinner celebrating their purchase of a new home, and she talked about how busy and active they were at the time, healthy and involved in church and family activities. He said :" what a difference a couple of months makes".
So true, that none of us is promised a tomorrow. Thank you again for your prayers and concern. It is really hard.

Jenna

True - yesterday can be held only in (hopefully, happy) memory ...

... all that's available for us to deal with now ...

... is today ...

... and, for most of us - tomorrow. Maybe.

ole joyful

P.S. I'm going to have to pass a link of the "Happy hour" one to rather vivacious daughter, who, raised in Canada by her U.S.-origin Mom, thus dual citizen, for several years has inhabited Phoenix (part-time) ... and enjoys a good joke.

o j