"It's just very draining..

that alone is the best reason you must protect yourself so it does not happen.

Make yourself unavailable enough times so that it starts to put a distance between you; use valid excuses, less said is more effective. Break habits that link you; you don't say how often you see this person, what ties you, how easy or difficult it would be to distance yourself.

You need most of your energy for yourself and close ones; sad but true that you cannot afford to be drained out by this friend, rehashing and reventing
the same issues over and over again helps no one in the long run, imo......

good luck in this; I know for a fact it's not easy.

If this is a friendship you value and has been a source of pleasure in better times then maybe you can work with this. The next time she starts her pity party can you stop her and say, "Jane, a lot of us are having difficult times right now and I need to focus on positive things in life so I don't spiral down. Let's (pick one or think of another) go for a walk, have a cup of tea, tell me about a library book you've read lately, I heard a great song on the radio yesterday..... " anything to shift into better topics.

If this is a peripheral relationship and you really don't care that much about investing in it, then follow mitchdesi's suggestions and back away.

I think people like this, who don't really listen, don't actually expect you to do so, either. If you don't feel up to being direct, set an egg timer when she calls. Listen (kinda sorta) for about 5-8 minutes, with appropriate noises, and then when the timer goes off, Oops! You've got to go.
After a couple of truncated calls, I'm willing to bet that she'll find another ear.

I know exactly what you mean about how people who burden you with their own issues are draining. Understandably, you want to be a friend, but you have the right to expect reciprocal treatment from her. If she's a close friend that you really care for, I think that honesty is the best policy. dlm2000 has a good idea for how to steer your conversations with her back to a less stressful place, but I don't see anything wrong with simply telling her that you too are in a difficult place right now, and don't feel equipped to carry someone else's burden. If she's really a friend, she'll hear you - and understand.

(((((Hugs)))))

First, let me say how sorry I am that you too, are having difficulties right now. We live in stressful times and none of us are immune, but sometimes it's just hard to cope, isn't it? And when you add others problems to your own.......well..

I am in agreement with the various suggestions, but I also want to say this. Many times, those facing stresses forget about the stresses or problems of others. They don't mean to, but it can overwhelm them to the point where they are only thinking of venting, not of sharing. And we do owe it to our friends to be there for them as much as we can, even though it may be difficult for us too. So, continue to be a friend, but maybe set a limit and tell your friend that you too are facing problems, but you don't want to worry her. She may prove to be surprisingly empathetic. Who knows?

Red

What type of relationship is this? Is this face to face or internet?

"I think that honesty is the best policy. dlm2000 has a good idea for how to steer your conversations with her back to a less stressful place, but I don't see anything wrong with simply telling her that you too are in a difficult place right now, and don't feel equipped to carry someone else's burden. If she's really a friend, she'll hear you - and understand."

Exactly what I was thinking too.

Pammyfay, I'm so sorry that things are rough for you at the moment. Nothing but good thoughts coming your way that things improve and you start feeling less stressed and just better all around. Hang in there.

Boy can I relate!!! Firstly I'm very sorry you're under some stress, of course lately there's plenty to go around but that doesn't make it any easier. I hope things get better for you soon.

I firmly believe that one's honesty is a reflection of who you are as a person. Someone may not like what you have to say all the time but at least he/she has the benefit of knowing that you're not going to BS them either. The trick is to understand that it's not what you say, but how you say it that matters. Be sensitive but always be honest, a true friend will appreciate it. Redirecting the conversation to positive topics is a great suggestion as well. Good luck with your friend. -- Lukki

Thanks for the advice.
I certainly will need to weigh my words carefully--she doesn't have a large support network by any means.
(She is a friend I worked with before I moved to another state, so we talk on the phone).
A part of me wishes I could just compartmentalize and be the support she needs--I try! Redirecting the conversations is an excellent idea.

oh my, pammy, I too feel your pain. I have come to believe that discussing the bad in our lives only serves to leave us feeling depressed...along with the poor soul we've unburdened ourselves to. I'm guessing if you'll do some searching on the 'net you'll find articles that back this up...it's old hat, really..accentuate the positive, etc. Send this to your friend and tell her that you will, of course, always be there for her if she ever feels a really deep need to share, but on a regular basis you are to help EACH OTHER best by happy, healthy talk...or however you'd like to better phrase that:>/:>)! I do think this is what I would do. I know I could not bear to listen to the same dirge time after time, and would end up avoiding her calls...much worse than being honest with her, IMO.