Just be there for her. When you are first told you are in a whirlwind and can't think straight. I've been there. At first I didn't want to see or have to talk to anyone. Give her a few days to digest it all. She will have days when she wants and needs someone to talk to. Let her know you are there to talk anytime she needs you.

I will be praying for you and your friend..

Thank you Susie, I know she is very overwhelmed right now. She cannot get in to the oncologist until the 19th and that is really upsetting her.
I appreciate your advice and telling me how you felt then. I knew there would be answers here!
I will continue to let her know I am here if she needs me. I was just worried that that was not enough.
And I hope you are in good health now. Continue in your recovery and may this year be a blessing for you!

Rather than just offering to do stuff for her - do it! Go to the grocery store, clean her house, go to treatments with her to keep her company, etc.

Nothing will "comfort" her, most likely, but making her path easier would help her frame of mind.

Being her friend is the most important thing to do. Allow her to talk when she needs to, and listen to what she is saying. Allow her to express her feelings about any fear of pain and dying. Don't back away from this if she needs to talk. Support her with realistic hope. If your friend is too tired with treatments, or in pain to want to talk, slip a thinking of you card in the mailbox every once in awhile.

An occasional meal delivered to her doorstep will really be appreciated. If your friend has a husband, he will be getting tired from the stress and trips to the doctors and will appreciate any extra help too. Simple things like shovelling snow can really help to relieve stress. Don't treat your friend like an invalid though. People with cancer do want to get on with their lives and carry on the activities that they were used to doing. Physical activity is important, one doesn't want to be a couch potato after treatments are over. A feeling of independence is important.

Many people back away from friends when they have cancer because they don't know what to say. Just treat your friend as you normally would, carry on talking about the topics you normally do and enjoy your lives together doing the things you normally do together.

A friend of mine, who was dying of cancer once said to me.... "Life is not worth living unless you do something nice for someone else every day." Allow her the chance to give back as well.

I should add that I am a 2 time survivor of cancer. The first time, one doctor felt I had about 6 months to live and that was 11 years ago. This latest cancer was 6 months ago and I am carrying on with my life doing well.

All of the above and I will emphasize Chloecat's suggestion....don't just ask but do it. The thing that I appreciated more than anything was food. Not just sweets but dinner meals. My husband was always there for me but it would be nice to give him a break once in awhile. He had never done any shopping before but he managed and it would have been nice if he had a friend to help....Cards are nice and appreciated but a meatloaf is even better or a pan of lasagne. She may not feel like eating all the time but her family certainly will and it's there for her if she wants it.

I am a breast cancer survivor. The one thing I would suggest you NOT do is talk about others that have it worst then her. I have a classmate that everytime it comes up about my breast cancer, not that often, she always talks about a friend that had it worst than me. I won't talk about it around her any more. I know her friend has had a bad time but I had to fight my battle too.

I'm sorry your friend is going through this - but she is lucky to have you as support.

I can't add anything to what has already been said. Just by your being there for her, it will ease the path ahead.

I agree, if you ask a person what can you do for them, pride will get in the way and they will say "nothing". Just doing it works really well and will be appreciated if it is something simple like a meal. Homemade soup is wonderful. A tub of ice cream or sherbet slips down easily. A complete meal helps the whole family out.

I agree with not talking about how others are worse off.

Look around for cancer support groups for your friend if she would like to go to one. Here in Ontario, we have Wellspring, and I can't say enough good things about that organization....they give support, seminars, a library filled with books to borrow, have things like yoga, reiki, therapeutic touch, art therapy, quilting and so much more for the cancer patient and their family.

The Looking Good Feel Better program is wonderful. I came home with more makeup and skin lotions than I could use up in 10 years and the best thing about it was that it was all free. It has been years since I did this program and don't know if it is the same but they were so kind to all of us.

If she is a believer in God she must have faith.He made us and He alone has the answers.She has my prayers.Befor the doctors gave her the news she was fine.Nothing has changed.Live each day as it comes.That is all anyone can do.We all will have dark days in our lives.It's how we meet them that counts.

All of the above, but the occasional 'Thinking of You' cards was what always really brightened my day. It made me feel so 'not alone' in what I was going through. It made me realize that others understood my 'kind of rough' situation.

Sue....13 year BC survivor

Just let her know you are there for her day or night. The food thing is wonderful. So many did this for us. We had 3 teen children at the time.

The one thing that helped me was they moved fast on mine. I really didn't have much time to dwell on all of it. We found it, saw the doctor in a couple days, lined up the surgery and it was done. Cemo and radiation followed. It took me almost a year to complete all the treatments. I knew all about cancer because it is everywhere in my side of the family. At the time my sister and I were the only ones living. My sister now is gone. I now have had a niece with it. She is doing well.

One great thing to remember today is that cancer is no longer a death sentence like it used to be. The treatments and all have come a very long way. Try to stay positive with your friend. A friend of mine brought me a journal that I wrote in each day. This was wonderful.

The saddest part of all of mine was I took my treatment the same time each day with the same group of people.. We became a really close family. Sadly a few weren't there in the end. This was very hard. I will always remember a beautiful tall slim redheaded lady She had twin daughters getting ready to start college. She was divorced and her brother always came with her. She was always so upbeat with all of us.

I am doing well but always know it could pop up again anytime. I really don't think much about it anymore. I feel if it does comeback I will deal with it the best way I can. My life is to short to dwell on something I have no control over.

I know you will be there for your friend in everyway you can. She will always treasure this. Even the smallest thing will mean alot. One thing a friend did was send me a wonderful cards with notes in them. She would come to visit and I would find a card tucked somewhere in a day or two. Just letting me know she was there for me. She is lucky to have you.

My friend is going through it now - has finished her chemo and now doing the radiation therapy. I felt the same way as the Op - didn't want to overstep my bounds of friendship but wanted to be there for her in whatever way possible. When I would call her, I tried to start the converation with something else other than about the cancer - gave her the opportunity to tell me how she was doing. And as others have said - just do for her - don't ask - and keep things simple, if you offer to clean - just do a room or two at a time.

I also helped by picking her up from her chemo appointments. They wouldn't let her drive and this helped since her husband did not have to leave work to go get her. If she doesn't have someone to go to her appointments with her - offer - she will be given alot info that she amy need help remembering - write suff down for her so that she can keep it straight and know what to ask the doctor the next time.

Above all - just listen, hug, and comfort - your presence is what is important.

Thank you all for the encouraging words.

Chloecat and RuthieG..She is the type of person that it is hard to just 'do it' for her. That is part of my problem, I don't feel I can just show up at her home. She and her husband are both retired, so I know she has transportation to the treatments, when they begin. But I have offered to drive her when he needs a break. As for the food, she has a lot of food allergies, and I don't think I can just make a meal and drop it off. I do not want it to sound like a cop out, I am going to email her husband, and ask whawt we can fix.... soup, fruit, etc. thank you

Jkayd... I understand what you are saying but I would never try and tell her about anyone who 'has it worse', this cancer sounds so bad and advanced that I do not know anyone that does.

Heather on...you said to carry on about topics like we normally do. thank you! I was not sure about that. She is not into decorating like I am, but loves to come over and see what project I have going on. So, it is okay to try to lighten the conversation sometimes with our normal chatter? I want her to know that I still see her as more than a cancer patient,,,, I see her as my beloved old friend. And hallelujah to you for beating cancer!!

Tally... thank you. I am so lucky to have had her in my life. I want to keep her as long as possible.

Heather on... again, thank you. I had thought about soup, but the idea of sherbet or frozen yogurt maybe?? is great. She has so many food allergies, and is a picky eater anyway, but I will ask her DH if she likes sherbet or ice cream.

Goldy.../yes my friend is a believer. She has said over and over that she has turned this over to God. Thank you for your prayers. I too am praying constantly for God to help her, but you know.... it is his will we pray for. Not ours.

Chemocurl... good idea for the cards. I am a big card sender, even Ecards. I am going to send one as soon as i finish this.

Susie53...I think that is one of her biggest frustrations. The delay in getting in to see the oncologist. She feels they are not concerned, or that it is too late to do anything. It sounds like you have a wonderful attitude about it, I hope Donna can develop that.

Mboston... I truly don't want to overstep my bounds of friendship. I just would feel like I was barging in if I just show up unannounced. I understand what everyone is saying about her pride taking over and her saying she doesn't need anything, so I will just keep emailing, calling and texting, her husband too, to see what or when we can help. He has said, today, that he will have to go to Florida to close the house there (they had just come home for the holidays, expecting to go back afterwards) and asked if I would stay with her a few days. Which I will be so happy to do.
Thank you all for sharing your thoughts and ideas. I feel better now about how to help her. I just wanted some confirmation that it was okay to talk about normal everyday things, decorating, movies, books, etc...... and i appreciate all the ideas. I have made a list.

sorry this was so long........................

I personally would not have wanted people to just do stuff for me but my situation may be different since I was in my 20s the last time I had cancer. I just liked having my friends staying in touch and not disappearing because they were uncomfortable with the whole thing. What I remember most were those who didn't pussyfoot around the cancer topic. I appreciated the people that had a genuine interest in learning more about the cancer, treatment, prognosis, etc. rather than acting like nothing had changed. Again I may be different in that respect - not sure. I used to volunteer on an oncology unit and visited with a lot of people with cancer. It seemed that most people, once they got over the shock and horror, appreciated talking with someone who was comfortable hearing about their cancer experiences.

I am a lung cancer survivor. For the most part I agree with what everyone is saying. In my case we had no health insurance & the hospital told us it was not a life or death situation & we would have to pay up front before they would let me in the hospital. After a lot of work by a wonderful lawyer I got to go for my surgery. At that time because of the hospital I did not want to hear about God, other people being sick or anything anyone had to say. My friends & family just waited till I had time to think about what I had to do, fight to live. Listen to what she has to say if she needs to talk about death let her. It sounds like you are a good friend so be just that to her.

Thank you Gibby, your viewpoint makes sense to me. I do not know how I would feel if it was me, but I am a very private person and I also would not have wanted people to just do stuff without asking. I do not intend to pussyfoot around the topic, and act like everything is status quo, I just want to respect her, and not make things worse.
\ thank you for your input.

Mary.. i am sorry you went through that with the hospital. what a shame the medical system is in our country. You have good advice, thank you.... i will just try and be there when she does want to talk. it sounds like she is also in the fight of her life

please don't let her cancer redefine your friendship...do what you did before...it's just one facet of her life, not her entire life. she's still a wife, friend, and whatever she was before.

while i don't dismiss my hyst, or lumpectomy, they are things we delt with, and moved on...i was lucky to be able to get thru chemo and radiation, and drove myself...but there were times i'd loved to have gone out for lunch, or had a phone call...and i think my dh would have loved to have a person to talk to...besides family can be too emotional..does that make sense?

bless you and your friend...

Thank you Susan.... She and her husband are our best friends. we have always done things as couples. My DH has also called her husband and talked to him too several times. We want to be there for both of them. I will for sure not let cancer redefine our friendship.
I guess I just need to know how to balance my concern for her illness with wanting everything to be normal. Does that make sense?
I understand what you mean about family being too emotional. also, her daughter is a nurse and I am sure very knowledgeable, but she is also very umm.... assertive, i guess you would say.
Thank you for your advice.

How wonderful that you will have the chance to stay with her for a while. Let me tell you about my friends of many years. One was scheduled for chemo for breast cancer and for reasons I can't go into, her DH wasn't available for support of any kind. Not even in town, actually.

Another friend (widowed a few years earlier) suggested she come stay with her for a while and it was the best thing that could have happened. They developed a nice schedule/co-existence that included not only chemo but much needed girl talk--serious, funny, and everything in between while they spent time together and separately. A pajama party for seniors. LOL!

To this day, when she speaks of that time, she actually kind of glows. I think its the worst and best time all mixed together, making her memories a whole lot better than they could have been.

Wishing strength to your friend and all of you at the KT.

Sometimes I think it's harder being the friend or family member of a person with cancer. Wanting to help and not knowing what it is that WILL help.

I so wanted to just be treated "normal" and had to actually ask some people not to look at me with that pity face :) It took a lot of energy placating those who didn't know how to act...I worked with the public, so I had a whole bunch of that goin' on.

Circumstances required that I needed friends/family to stay with me a few times while my husband was away too. I loved having my little sister come...she didn't chatter away day and night (one friend did). She also kept the house straightened up (same friend didn't). I mean how could I care being so sick? I did :)

Sometimes I had to joke about my situation just to make myself feel better. And actually had some good pee your pants laughing fits with friends that way. I loved those moments.
A few people tried to "counsel" me about what they would or wouldn't "do" if it were them. Imagine. One told me I shouldn't eat what I was eating as it could make me sick...I told him "too late"! LOL I have some hilarious stories about things people have said or done.

I had years of treatments...things turn out that way sometimes. I feared that my friends would be saying "oh, that Deborah, she's always sick...nah, it just took me a hellofa long time to get my wellness legs under me again :)

You certainly get to know who your friends are...those that circle the wagons to protect their loved one and keep out the riff raff. I think we all know some who want to be in the "know" without having to put out the energy.(they seem to phone just to get the horror stories).

My DH would e-mail our friends with updates once or twice a week. It was exhausting having to repeat some procedure you'd had weeks prior over the telephone. It worked well for us.

No one has mentioned that while having chemo, lots of smells are really off... Especially as the treatments progress. Perfume was a big no no at my oncologists. I was super sensitive to cooking odors. So you might want to mentioned that to her friends if they plan on bringing in food.

Your friend Donna is fortunate to have you ♥♥♥ing on her. May her journey be a gentle one.

The last sentence of goobly gauk about Donna was meant to be little hearts...some how it didn't translate.
I'm sure it would warm her heart knowing you've taken the time to find a way to show your love and support Jennava :)

The last sentence of goobly gauk about Donna was meant to be little hearts...some how it didn't translate.
I'm sure it would warm her heart knowing you've taken the time to find a way to show your love and support Jennava :)

Breenthumb... thank you for sharing your story about your friend. The pajama party for seniors... I have to remember that? :)

Deborah....thank you too for sharing your story. I can only imagine how hard it was to deal with people (the public) and their questions. I dealt with uterine cancer in 2010, and my DH almost lost an ear to a very aggressive invasive form of skin cancer. Imagine the looks and comments when we went out with his ear bandaged!
I am glad you are doing well now. Thank you for mentioning the smells, food, perfume etc. I will be sure to ask her husband if anything is bothering her like that.
I really want to support our friends through all this... but do not want to be a pest and a nuisance to them.
oh and how do you make the little heart symbol? I see it on others posts, have no idea how to do that!

A friend of my Mom sent her a sweet card, and as sick as mom was, she got the biggest smile when I read that card to her and told her who it was from. I sent the lady a big thank you and told her that too..
How about a new old movie? Mom requested Friendly Persuasion which is a lovely movie.
Donna will be on the road a lot if she gets chemo - how about a gas card or card for a fast food place? Her driver might appreciate them even if she doesn't.
Something warm to wear might be appropriate - a shawl, a warm hat. I am sure you can find a list of what chemo patients need online if she goes that route.
Being there is great..but understand she might be angry at times. Mom resented strangers coming to her house to check on her and bathe her, but we blessed them and all they did.
I will keep Donna and her caring friend (you) in my prayers.

Kathy

Kathy, thank you for the suggestions. I will try them all. I do not know what treatment plan they will have for her. She is so frustrated that she will not even see the oncologist until the 19th. She feels the gastro doc that did the biopsy and diagnosed her, just blew her off. She said he basically said "You have cancer, I cannot help you, find a doctor"...so now she feels hopeless, like it is too late for her, and maybe there is no treatment.

I love the idea of something warm like a shawl. She is always cold. Even our Virginia winters are too cold for her. And when they would come up from Fla during the holidays she would be dressed like she was in the artic. haha I am going to go out tomorrow and see if i can find a pretty, warm shawl for her. That is a perfect idea!

I do understand that she might be angry. I know I would. And part of my reason for posting here is that I wanted to see how other people felt. If it comes to that, the bathing and stuff, I will be right there to help her if she will let me.

I went through uterine cancer in 2010, but mine was contained in the uterus and they got it all with surgery. So I did not have to have chemo or radiation. I was very blessed. But it was cancer, and I also went through the mind-numbing period of "I have cancer". I had D&C before and lots of tests, before and after, but not many of my friends really knew... just that I was having a hysterectomy. And DH took care of me.
Thank you Kathy for keeping us in your prayers.

First off if i were her i'd get a second opinion and a new dr with a Heart!!

In 2008,i had a total knee replacement,3 months later when i went for my final check up with my ortho dr i had found out a few weeks before that i had breast cancer.WTF within 3 mos 2 major surgeries.
Anyway when i was at the ortho dr's he said to me,are you ok,you don't seem like your jolly self,at which point i lost it and started crying.When he asked what was wrong i told him of the diagnosis.He said,honey don't worry too much,they've come a long way from where they were 20 years ago,and i'm sure you'll be fine.

After his exam and a clean super bill of health from him for my knee,he hugged me and told me he'd keep me in prayer.I thanked him and felt so much better when i left there.

A compassionate and caring dr is what your friend needs as well.
I also agree with all of what has been said by the op's.

For me the first day i found out,i knew before they told me,that i had cancer.I had had many mammos and a few biopsies before,but this one seemed different,like it was taking too long,IMHO,and they were taking too many samples.I started crying while they were still doing the biopsy,and cried all the way home and for over 4 hours after i got home.Poor DH didn't know what to do.He called one of my sisters in N.Y. state and told her and asked her to tell everyone else that needed to know ,other sisters.He told them i didn't want to talk to anyone then ,but would call when i was up to it.

Everything progressed sooooo fast that it seemed sureal.DH went out and got me a small tape recorder,that one of my dr's suggested,as they said,you're going to hear so much info in the next few weeks that you'll never be able to retain it.When i went to see the surgeon,my #1 son,DIL,Dh and that recorder went with me.Less than 2 weeks from diagnosis i was in the hospital being prepped for surgery.There were a lot of folks all over the world praying for me,my family and my medical staff.I told the dr's on the way to surgery that they were being prayed for by many people,they thanked me and said they had said their prayers as well.I had a great team from start to finish.

Tomorrow i go for blood work,then sometime this week i'm supposed to have a cat scan,(must call about that tomorrow,then after that's done i go see the oncologist.

I have been getting check ups every 3 mos,but this one he set for 4 months,so we'll see how it goes,i'm believing all thigs good.

I hope your friend gets a 2nd opinion and quicker appointments for whatever she has to do.

She may not feel like talking to anyone when she first gets home from the hospital,or from chemo appts if that's the route she has to take.So tell her if she doesn't feel like talking that she can tell you and you won't be offended.

These procedures take the winds out of your sails.Best of luck to all of you,will add you all to my prayer list.
Take care,God Bless
kathi

thank you Kathi, what path you have been on! I am adding you to my prayer list too. Take good care of yourself, as I am sure you are already doing.
I appreciate your kind words.
And I am going tomorrow to get the warm shawl or throw, whatever I can find for Donna, and maybe take a fruit tray by her condo.