:-D I love hummingbirds! I can't bring myself to put up a feeder, it seems like cheating. But someday I will have such a wonderful garden of wildflowers that the hummingbirds and butterflies and bees will not be able to help but stop by

Sandy I can totally relate to how you feel. My dad was only 68 and was my best friend. He died unexpectedly from a brain bleed (stroke). I wasnt there when he died in the cat scan machine. By the time I got there he was already gone. He was fine the nite before. I think when someone passes on unexpectedly, I wont say die because they never really die, that is the hardest kind of passing to except. We never got to say good bye or hold his hand when he parted. The hurt is so gut wrenching and the lonely feeling is unbearable at times. My dad is gone only 14 months but it feels like yesterday. I miss everything about him. Everyone kept telling me that in time I will find somewhere to put the pain and I will start remembering only happy thaughts. I really dont think you ever get over it. Its a shock to our systems. Have faith and believe you will see your mom again. Her work here was done. But you still are here to do your job. When the time is right, we will be reunited with our loved ones. The last time i saw my dad was the nite before he passed. I Told him I loved him and I'll see you later. That was it. no goodbyes. because its truly really never goodbye. Its more like, I'll be seeing you again. If you want to e-mail me thats fine. Id be happy to talk to you. You will be OK. The hurt you feel is showing you how much you were loved and how much you loved your mom. I still cry and get very angry that my dad left. There are no quick fixes and no answers to my questions. My heart goes out to you and I hope and pray as every day that passes, you will become a little bit stronger. Its not fair but we cant question God. Just have faith and know that he is always walking one step ahead of you. And he wont give you more than you can handle. I know that seems very unbelievable to say, everyone told me that right after my dad passed and I wanted to tell them all to just leave me alone. But its true. He will guide you if you let him. Your mom will always be with you, you keep her alive in your heart, just as I do with my dad. Try to keep all your family traditions going. If it was important to your mom than I am sure she would want you to continue your family get togethers. I am a mom and when I pass I wouldnt want my children to stop living there lives and keep mourning over me. A mom only wants her kids to be happy. She's watching you always, so dont let everything she taught you be forgotten. I hope this helped you in some way. I really and truly know how you feel. Kathy

PS. Another thing that really gets to me is that I have a child on the way. My first one, though it would have been my great-grandma's FIFTH great-great-grandchild. Family was more important and specail to her than anything else in the world. She was SO HAPPY when I told her that we were expecting. She was just thrilled. We found out ourselves a couple of weeks after she had broken her hip. However my great-grandma already knew! She tried to talk one of my aunts into believing that my wife was pregnant, and after my aunt kept telling her that wasn't the case, great-grandma said "we'll see" and had a very smug look on her face. She knew before we knew! Oh how I wish that Great Grandma Annie could have lived long enough to hold my baby in her arms at least once. It's not due til July, but I thought she might be able to hang in there. I really did. I thought she'd be up and walking again too after her hip healed. Even if only for a while. I thought she had months left, not just weeks. And the fact that she was taken from us right at the beginning of the holiday season also just kills me on the inside. We were so close to having just one more with her. So close. Why were we robbed of it? I know she'll be and is with us all in spirit, but I can't hug a spirit. The loss of the physical touch is the most painful of all. Oh what I'd give to see her smile, hear her laugh, hear her voice, and give her a great big hug just one more time.....

she's been deep in the bowels of a start-up magazine, so not as much to say. I've dropped in now and then, but my goodness, it was a busy assignment. Fun, though, and fulfilling, even if it did encompass the latest night I've ever spent working as a pro. (college doesn't count) It's nice to be missed, though.