Ah gold, i am so very sorry. It is immensly tough to lose a parent, no matter the age. Giving it some thought,Ii would attend the wedding service, but not the reception. I'd put on a warm, happy face , telling the bride and groom how glad his uncle would be for them. Receptions are celebrations, and feel certain no one would remotely fault you, or your immediate family for ducking out. And, very frankly, I'd not want to bring my sadness to their joyful once- in- a lifetime moment.
Again, heartfelt sympathy fpr losing your father.
Hugs,
Marti

Gosh came out gold....sorry, dee

Thanks, Marti. This is the groom's grandfather. The groom's father is my only sibling so I have to go. I'm more worried about making it through the ceremony than the reception.

I am so sorry. Will your Mom attend the wedding? How progressed is her Alzheimer's?

Good advice. Go to the wedding, skip the reception, if you dont feel like going.

Most funeral services don't happen on Saturdays. We had a Saturday Funeral for 'Mom' in order to accommodate grands schedules. It cost us more for everything. I didn't realize it was unusual until the Funeral Director mentioned it.

You will make it through. I know you will. The kids are young and I'm sure they are sad about the death but such unfortunate timing.

((((deeinohio))) So sorry for your loss. Difficult situation all around.
I agree that you should go to the ceremony and skip the reception if you feel you cannot handle it.
I know your dad would want happiness for the bride, groom and family, of that you can be sure.
Don't take the bride's posting on FB to heart.

I agree, skip the reception. I don't think there's anything wrong with crying at the wedding since that's normal anyway but if you think you might really breakdown, would it be possible to sit somewhere in the back? That way you can excuse yourself without causing any attention.

Speak with your brother, tell him your concerns and let him know that you truly are happy for his son and new bride.

My heart goes out to you.

I'm sorry for your loss. No matter the age, its hard to lose your father.

So what if you get sad during the ceremony? Take extra tissues and try your best to think about how happy your father would be for his grandchild on his wedding day.

Stay away from Facebook for a couple of days. Let the bride be happy, I bet your father would want it that way.

ML

I am so sorry. Definitely talk to your brother.

If you feel you have to skip the reception, do what you have to do, but you might feel better going vs. being alone.

I have a different approach to death.
Your father is gone but as we hear over and over again
the memories are what we hold .
You have an opportunity to create new memories,new life beginnings with the wedding of your nephew.
The man that he may become as he takes a wife .
The dedication that his grandfather showed to his grandmother will have hopefully left footprints for him to follow .

Give something small of your fathers for your nephew to carry in his pocket as he walks down the isle towards his new life.

No one will judge you for the many trips outside for "fresh air".

The sadness you feel now is so fresh but soon they will be replaced with all the fond memories.
I just don't want you to miss this important memory.

I may be wrong...Just my thoughts .
Much love to you...

This post was edited by forboystoo on Fri, Jul 26, 13 at 20:15

I am sorry for your loss. Nothing works as well for grief as giving yourself time to grieve. Also I would suggest stop looking at Facebook as additional posts from the bride will surely upset you. Everyone grieves differently. Go to the wedding and feel free to cry. There will be others with damp eyes and tissues.

I am so very sorry for your loss.. and I understand why this is so difficult. I hope you can find some comfort in the fact that your father's namesake is embarking on a new life with his loved one. Your father's legacy of love and loyalty to your mother for a lifetime is an honor and a great gift for your nephew. Of course it won't heal your pain but it gives you an opportunity to celebrate that very special part of your father's life.

Perhaps you'll find some comfort in writing a note to your nephew sharing special memories of your father's love for your mother or how important family was to him. Or perhaps you could give a small momento of his grandfather-- a picture at his age, a watch, a pen, a favorite book.

Most importantly, do what you feel is best for you.. tend to your own grief... but please don't resent your nephew's bride-to-be for celebrating their pending wedding.

HUGS

I agree with forboystoo.

You say that your nephew getting married tomorrow is a problem. Why? Do you want them to postpone the wedding?

Is that something your father would want? Tomorrow is about your nephew and his bride. If your father has cared for your mother through her illness it sounds like he is a very caring man and I suspect that he would know and understand that tomorrow is about his grandson and his bride.

Life is for the living and while you are grieving perhaps look at the wedding through his eyes a bit. How proud would he be seeing his grandson get married and hopefully start on the same caring marriage as he had with your mom.

is there some way at this late date to ask someone to talk about your dad/grandfather at the reception - perhaps a family member or close friend - just a way of acknowledging his importance to the family and the fact he is missed on this very special day.

Please don't let your grief override the joy of your nephew and his bride. I don't think it has to be an either/or situation for you. Are you going to be a mess tomorrow? for sure. But you would have been an emotional mess regardless. I just hope you can find some joy in this new chapter of your nephews life.

My niece got married a couple of years ago and she did something I had never seen before at a wedding. She acknowledged her relatives, that because of death, could not be there. She talked a little bit about her grandpa and uncle (my dad and my brother), she also talked about her other grandparents. Her new husband did the same on behalf of his family. It was a really cool moment. We all thought about those that we were missing and about much fun they would have had at this family celebration.

You were blessed to have your father for so many years. If you are grieving, you do not have to attend this wedding ceremony. People would understand why you didn't feel up to it.

I am so sorry for your loss Dee. I do agree with forboys, funky, and blfenton, though. I think this wedding of his namesake would bring your father so much joy and I hope you can find a small measure of that joy in your heart as you watch your nephew start his married life. I like the idea of giving him something from your dad to wear or carry that would have special meaning. And do forgive the bride-this is a time for her to be feeling joyful, although I am sure that happiness is tempered somewhat even though she may not be saying so on FB.

If I live to be 93, I will want everyone to celebrate that I lived such a long and happy life. Your father sounds like quite a guy! Honor that with happy tears and if you need to step out during the ceremony, do. It is okay.

((((Dee))))

So sorry to hear about your father. It is difficult at any age. My mother is really having a hard time right now since her mother just passed in January, she was 95.

A good friend was getting married, and just two days prior, the husband of her MoH was killed at work. They had two very young children, and he was also friends with the groom. My friend wanted to cancel her wedding, but the MoH wouldn't let her-and the MoH stood up there with the bride and there was not a single dry eye in the house. What mixed emotions there were that day.

People would understand if you break down at the wedding-but you may surprise yourself, too and find you DON'T break down. I imagine your brother is also having a hard time, but he's going to be there.

As to the bride-she's seperated a few degrees from your father, and it IS her big day-I'm sure she's not trying to be insensitive to your fathers memory. But as advised, just don't go to FB for a few days.

What wise words here. I take some comfort in knowing that neither of my parents will ever have to grieve the physical loss of the other. My mother's Alzheimer's is advanced enough we're not telling her.

I'm actually surprised by just how comforted I am by all your advice. I've been inconsolable the last few days, even as my family has tried so hard. I have very sudden breakdowns.

I would never want them to postpone, and I would never not attend. I just don't want to put a greater damper on their day, and couldn't figure out how to stop the thoughts of personal loss.

I will try, as many of you suggest, to focus on the beginning of another love story, rather than the end of another.

GW never fails.

Dee

Oh, ((dee)) - my condolences on the loss of your father. He sounds like such a loving and honorable man; it's no wonder you are grieving so. Such good advice given already. I really don't think there's anything you need to do except just be real, in the moment and enjoy the happiness of a new union beginning. And I completely agree - no FB.

You won't put a damper on their wedding day and when the bride walks into the ceremony in her beautiful dress you will know why you are there. As others have suggested, if you need to, take a couple of private moments to yourself when necessary.

(((Dee))) for tomorrow.

Well, I do think the bride should use fewer exclamation points in her posts when the family has suffered a loss. The young couple needs to acknowledge that out of respect. No matter when our wedding day, the rest of the world goes on.

Why can't they light a candle in his memory as part of the ceremony? My sister died less than six months before her daughter's wedding. My sister was very much in everyone's mind that day. The bride and groom lit a candle for her that burned throughout the ceremony and it was very comforting to all.

Anyway, they can't pretend this death is not on everyone's mind. In spite of what is said, it is not really "their" day. The day belongs to everyone.

I am so sorry for your loss. My mom is nearly 96 and I will be devastated when she goes, although she is quite healthy now.

Dee, I'm so sorry about your Dad. It is so hard to lose someone you love, especially suddenly. Be thankful that you had him around so long to enjoy. He lived a good long life (including the blessing of having you for a daughter) and, as is the nature of things, it was his time.

But I don't believe your Dad is "waiting" for the funeral. I believe he is already gone...his body being but a shell. As Hazrat Inayat Khan says, "Our spirit is the real part of us, the body but its garment." He is already at peace and watching over you and your entire family, and will be with you and his grandson at the wedding in spirit.

I was so close to my Mom and so terribly pained by her loss. But I knew that she would not want a funeral full of mourning....she was always focused on fun and happiness. She passed in Feb. but I waited until Sep. to have a memorial service for her when I knew I could be strong enough, and the pain wasn't so raw. By that time, I was open enough to remember the good times and appreciate all the many gifts she'd given to me and all the members of my family and all of her friends. It was a wonderful service including shared memories by many in attendance with lots of warmth, joy and laughter. It was just what I know she would've wanted.

So in a way, perhaps the good feelings around the wedding can help balance your sadness, being with friends and family regardless of the occasion can lend support, and the time in between will allow you some breathing space to deal with your personal grief until you can have the more formal arrangements. In no way does their joy and happiness on their special occasion dishonor your father or discount your grief. It is only that life, lived to its fullest contains both joy and suffering.

Grief, I find, comes in waves. At first, like a storm, the waves are high and turbulent and come frequently...and just when you think you've stood up again, another wave comes and tosses you. But with time, the waves calm, and they come less frequently, become more gentle. There may still be a strong one that will toss you again, but they become fewer and farther between. They become more familiar and easier to deal with. Eventually, many of them are gentle laps at your feet, reminders of the all that went before to lead you to where you are today.

And as Mitch Albom so rightly pointed out, after death, our relationship with that person doesn't end, it just changes. We won't see them any more, but we will continue to share with them, we will learn new things about them from others or from the things they had, and they will always be part of our lives.

I'm sending you comfort and courage and sympathy and strength in this difficult time.

((Dee))

I buried my mother quickly because it was Easter week and the priest was going on vacation the Monday after Easter.
That was a mistake.

It really is best to wait, so don't let that add to your troubles. People do cry at weddings for their own reasons. If you break down it will be ok.

I also married a month after my brother died; I didn't postpone the wedding because of his death, but I don't feel like I disrespected him by doing so. When I look back, his wake and funeral seems to take up a lot more memory and time than my wedding. There were many more people present for him, over multiple days. My wedding was a few hours with a few people.

I don't think you'll regret attending the wedding, but you should probably be prepared for other guests to talk about your Dad with you at the reception.

We're with you in spirit and understanding of how hard your father's death is to you and here's what I would do. I would try to view the day as a day off from grieving and take deep breaths and just do it. Most people will realize your Dad just passed and perhaps offer their condonlences. I'd just thank them and say "today is a happy day" and move on. If you have a weak moment, get to the ladies room and compose yourself. Just pretend you're happy and thrilled which you are but allow it to show. Do it for your brother, imagine how he feels. You'll be fine, I'm sure. You're able to do this. God bless.

((((Dee)))) I am so sorry for the loss of your father. Go to the wedding and the reception, and cry all you need to. Crying and grief are normal human emotions, and it irritates me that our society frowns on crying in public and that people feel the need to apologize when they do so.

Life is a series of beginnings and endings, and sometimes they collide in strange ways. You are in my heart and prayers today and in the days to come.

Thank you all so much. I will post more about how much affection I feel for you all later. We' re leaving now, with lots of tissues in my purse, and your warmth wrapped around me.

Dee

I am late to this, but I hope your day went okay- I am so sorry for your loss.

I am so sorry for your loss. How very painful. I hope today people were able to share their memories of your dad with you. If they did, write them down tomorrow so you don't forget. You will always treasure them!

I hope you were able to channel your dad today And how he would have felt at the wedding. Giving blessings and being supportive, if a little in the background... Joy is always celebrated.

Please stop in and let us know how the day went and how you managed.....sending my deepest sympathy to you.

I was thinking of you yesterday and I hope you were able to have a good day. Sad I'm sure without your dad there and the grooms granddad. Let us know how your day went.

Hoping everything turned out well. A death in the family can bring out some crazy emotions.

I know the event has come and gone and hope it was okay. But I did want to point out that people really don't "have" to attend family events that will distress them. There is nothing wrong with passing on the wedding with a sincere apology that you are simply not able to do such things yet. There's nothing wrong with their going ahead with their plans, either. If it is ok for them to have the wedding because that is the best course of action for them, why wasnt it ok for you not to attend, if that would have been better for you?

Sometimes I wish we still had the custom of not going to social events for a set mourning period after the death of a close relative. Just think--- no invitations to have to decline, no well meaning friends urging you to get out and have a good time or move on, etc. and at the end of mourning the social restrictions would be over. ....much less chance of breaking down in public, etc., and those inclined to dwell on sadness would have a sort of built in mechanism and set point at which to stop mourning and come back out socially. I think that would be a useful custom to revive, at least for a three months period and preferably for six months. People would still have to go back to work during that period, but imagine how nice it would be not to be asked to take on extra volunteer responsibilities during that time, like company-sponsored Habitat events or teams running 10k's for charity, etc.

kswl, I know what you are suggesting, but for me I needed the distraction and the activity to see me through the loss of particularly my father as it was sudden and traumatic. I remember keeping a speaking engagement for work a few days after he died....I wasn't thrilled about it, but in hindsight, it gave me respite from what I was going through.