Sad at first christmas

15 years ago

6 months ago I found mom dead on her bedroom floor. I cannot get the picture out if my mind. I moved here 4 years ago to be near her. I built a house attached to hers. Now her house is empty. Mom was 87 but healthy. We were best friends. I don't cook anymore and I do not want to celebrate any holiday.. People think I should be over this. I'm not. Mom and I spent every Christmas of my life together.my three children think I should move on.... And not think about mom..

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Comments (6)

sylviatexas1
15 years ago
I'm so sorry you lost your mother.

"People think I should be over this"

Well, everybody's entitled to their opinion, but they're *not* entitled to demand that the person whose business it actually is go along with it.

She's entitled to her own opinion, too, & hers is the one that counts in her life.

shorter version:
what they think isn't relevant.

You lost her only 6 months ago,
you found her in what must have been terribly distressing circumstances,
& you had had a close relationship with her for your whole life.

Cut yourself some slack,
be good to yourself, &
volunteer this Christmas at a homeless shelter or angel tree or soup kitchen.

That will fill up your memory bank with newer, warmer, happier, more fulfilling images.

& stay away from those kids until you're strong enough to tell 'em to show some respect or to go fly a kite.

I wish you the best.
brendadaughter
15 years ago
I agree with the above post. And trust me, I know exactly how you feel! My husband and I found my 52 year young mother dead in her apartment! I really HATE to use that word, but it is what it is! I am so truly sorry for your loss because I know how it feels! I used to be on the outside looking in when people would talk about their loss, and i would feel condoleces for them, but I could never imagine their pain! Now I can because it has happened to me!!! I am so sad and angry at the same time! I thought my mom was going to see her 60`s and 70`s, and even 80`s, but she didn`t!!! I`m truly sorry an in no position to comfort anyone because my grief is still fresh as I loss my mom last month.. Your children tell you get get over it because they don`t understand how it feels until it happens to them! NOBODY understand until it happens to them!!! I`m really sorry for your loss!!!
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One death is hurtful to the survivors and it adds to the complications when there are mixed feelings including troubles, for it leads to complications in the emotional reactions of the surviving person where there was distance ... but that does not appear to have been the situation with the father. How fortunate that they had decided to resolve some of the issues related to your friend's family and were in the process when this double tragic event took place. I hope that some of the issues had been dealt with satisfactorily before the situation was put on permanent hold. I hope that your friend is able to deal with the death and mourning in a fairly normal way, without extra complications arising from earlier antipathy. There's a message here for us all, I think - when there's been trouble in a family or among friends, it's best to make a substantial effort to get the situation resolved earlier, rather than later ... for later the door of opportunity may be closed for the rest of this life. May God's grace be with your friend and family as they work their way through this difficult period. ole joyful
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kakmom
15 years ago
I'm so sorry for your loss. I understand how you feel; tomorrow will be 4 weeks since my precious mom passed away. I'm numb yet full of sadness and heartache. Losing her has left a void that nothing can fill, and watching our precious father lose the love of his life breaks our hearts. They were married 65 years, together for 70, and modeled unconditional love for all of those years. I don't know how I can ever find joy again. My kids have always been the source of my joy and I know they will bring joy again, yet Momma always shared in that joy with me, so how can I feel it in the same way as I had her to share it with? We will continue our Christmas traditions of gathering in my parents' home, as those are important to us now more than ever. Momma and Daddy started these traditions and while it is the hardest thing in the world to see her empty chair, it is important to us all to be together in the home that we were all brought up in and spent so many loving times together.

Your children mean well, they have not lost their mother, though, so they cannot know fully what you are feeling. II have read several articles about grief and all advise that you live through your grief in the way that you need, not the way that others advise you.

My children, all adults, were extremely close to my mom, and it's been very difficult for them, too. If it were not for my children, and my father, I would skip the holidays this year. My daughter made me see, though, that Momma would not have wanted us to do that. So I will move through the motions of Christmas, as I did at Thanksgiving. I hope that you are able to find comfort and peace throughout the holidays. I know it will not be easy for either of us. Blessings to you and all who loved your mother.
nana2010_gw
15 years ago
I'm so sorry for the loss of your Mother. There's no one like our Mom. Anyone who tells you that you should be over this has no idea what you are going through. My husband died last Dec. Holidays are not something I want to think about, but I will observe them to honor his memory. You have gotten good advise here. Please try to do something positive to help you get through this difficult time.
lynn_d
15 years ago
Maama, I am so sorry for your loss, and I too know the emptiness of losing my mom. I lost her July 2009 and I doubt a day has passed that I didn't shed a tear. I was an only child, mom and I were very close. My husband also lost his mom, now it is just us. I always loved the hoildays but no more, I dread them.
threeoffour
15 years ago
Very sorry for your loss. I lost my dad 12 years ago and it STILL hurts not to have him around. He passed away two days after Christmas which has made the holidays a very difficult time for me.

I couldn't shake the images of him being sick for about five years. Hopefully, it won't take you as long.

You will always miss your mom. It's going to take time for it not to hurt so much. As for your kids telling you to "move on", well, tell them you are. Each day you wake up and choose to get out of bed, you're moving on.

A problem I had was that I felt guilty for continuing to live my life. After my dad passed I had got married and had kids. It was always a bitter sweet thing for me. Happy about getting married and having kids, but wishing my dad could be here to enjoy the moment with me.

It's alright to miss your mom. It's also alright to continue living the life your mom helped give you.

Your mom loved you and still loves you. She watches from above and smiles. She has never really left you.

Sad at first christmas

Comments (6)

sylviatexas1

brendadaughter

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