It doesn't get much better.

13 years ago

It's 1:19 am and I am missing my mother terribly. She died when I was 15 and I am 19 now. I can honestly say that nothing has gotten much better. I think about her all the time, mostly at night. That's when I go through forums of people that have also had a loss. It comforts me in the strangest ways. I still remember before she went to bed that night. I got made at her because she was smoking a cigarette. She was trying to quit and I just got tired of it. I didn't like seeing her kill herself like that. So we got in a fight and before she went to sleep she asked me if I still loved her...and I said nothing. She just went back to her room and she never woke up. I know that she knew I loved her. I just wish I would have said it. I'd do anything to hug her one more time. I'd do anything just to ask her more questions. I'll never go to bed mad at anyone ever again..and I suggest you don't either.

Sort by:Oldest

Comments (7)

sylviatexas1
13 years ago
I'm so sorry.

You got a double or triple whammy, there, too:

You lost your mother,
you lost her *very* young,
& you lost her when the two of you were arguing.

Your mother really did know you still loved her;
they always do.

I wish you self-forgiveness & peace.

& thanks for the reminder.
demifloyd
13 years ago
I'm really sorry; your pain is palpable.

From what you've said, your mother knows you loved her.

I, too, wish I'd never ever let a moment to be the best I could be go by, but we are human so cut yourself some slack.

You are ahead of most people much older than you, having learned a valuable lesson.

Thanks for sharing, and I wish you comfort and peace and good memories.
Related Discussions
Compost from heaven (with picture)
Q
Comments (2)
Oh man, how beautiful....I wish Florida were closer to Michigan!!
...See More
Garden Rewards
Q
Comments (15)
Cameron - Accordning to my book 'Butterflies in the Carolinas' that is a Spicebush Swallowtail which is VERY similar to the Female Black Swallowtail. In fact they compare the two because of the almost identical markings. The female Black Swallowtail shows another row of yellow markings inside the blue and not near as much of the blue. I get them all confused and need to look at the book all the time to help identify them. Just flying around all the Swallowtails with black marking look the same - as do all the yellow ones. Thank you everyone for the compliments - hubby needs the credit for the picture. He has that camera with him all the time in the garden. I don't have near the patience that he has. I just feel really blessed that we do have a pretty good buttterfly population but we do strive to give them the proper habitat and sacrifice pretty plants for food for the caterpillars..... Lynne
...See More
A Plug for BlueBird Greenhouses, NC
Q
Comments (5)
I tried googling Bluebird Greenhouses, but all I got was a half-dozen entries from Garden Web, including this one! Do they have a web site? Always interested in new places to drool over and maybe order from, especially when they're recommended! Nancy
...See More
Old Timey Yellow
Q
Comments (1)
Lookin good. I am in nearly the same zone as you, with sandy soil. I just hauled in 12 pounds. This season is very odd - super fast ripening and high temps so quickly. I have had some sun scald issues so I am bringing them in the house as soon as I can detect a color break.
...See More
violet_2010
13 years ago
ms kay You are blessed and we know you were only trying to help when you told her about not smoking. Make a good life and try and help someone along the way. Ask God for forgiveness. I am sorry you have a hurting heart. Have a Happy Christmas.
hilltop_gw
13 years ago
Absolutely your mother knew you loved her! You were doing what a loving person does--trying to help her to help herself. Unfortunately, the timing of her death leaves a hole in your heart.

When you're awake at night and thinking of her, write her a note and put it in a memories box. Tell her the things or ask her the questions that you would have said in person. Or, write someone else a note, anonymous or not, telling them something good about him/herself. It will lift your spirits and free your heart.

Is there someone you know that you could "adopt" as a mother? Perhaps they don't have any children or their children live far away? Or get involved in the Big Sister program. There are many youth who would love to have a mentor and caring young adult role model. They may be longing for what you have to offer: a hug, a word of kindness, time to visit or ask questions, random acts of love, etc.
breezygirl
13 years ago
My heart breaks reading your story. I am so sorry for your loss. Lately, I have not been getting along with my mother because of her mental illness. You've reminded me how important it is to try to make this right for us now, while she's alive, before it's too late. She's almost 72. Thank you.

Your mother did know you loved her. She still knows it. Please take care.
ms.kay
Original Author
13 years ago
I want to thank all of you for responding to this. It means a lot to me. For some reason the things you guys say on here seem so much more real then any of my friends could say to me or even my family. It brings me peace during these lonely nights. I am very grateful to Hilltop for the idea of letters. I never would have thought of something like that. I went out and bought a journal. It's the first thing I have been excited about in a long while. Thank you all.
carol_in_california
13 years ago
I just wanted to let you know you have been in my thoughts and prayers.
It is so difficult to lose a mom....no matter what age but certainly worse when a person is so young.
My mom died when I was 29....and now I am 70.
It does get easier as the years go by but no matter what, there will always be a hole in your heart.
Keep writing in the journal and remember....she is always looking out for you.