Is this normal?
My son died 3 months ago and I feel like I am going backwards in my grief. Shouldn't I be feeling a bit better instead of being on the verge of tears all the time? I feel as raw and grief-stricken as I did the day he died. I was feeling better for a few weeks, even able to go out of town on business, although I had a small breakdown when I got home. I am able to work a few days a week and then have to take even more days off to get myself together because it's so hard for me to keep my composure while I am out in public.
My doctor is cutting my anxiety meds to get me off of them. I am not ready to be without them yet. I am not addicted to them but when I feel like I am falling apart they help me to gather myself together and seem normal on the outside and not feel so horrible on the inside. They help make my chest stop feeling like it's going to explode. She's doing it on her timeline and not mine. And I don't like that.
My son's birthday is a week from this coming Tuesday and I think that could have something to do with the way I am feeling. All I can give him for his birthday is hopefully to have his headstone ready.
I lost all the text messages I had saved from the day he died. I know my husband didn't mean to be mean but he told me real matter of factly to "get over it". I will get over it but I won't be happy about it. Just like I won't be happy about losing our son.
I think it's a combination of things that are making me feel the way I do. With the holidays approaching I am dreading them. I want to crawl into a hole and not come out, but I can't. I have to go on with my life as hard as that is.
I sure do miss my son and it's slowly but surely killing me. Day by day I die a little more inside because he's not in my life anymore. I wonder if I will ever find joy anywhere ever again.
Is this normal?