Pesky, Very sorry for your loss. I hope you and your DH can get through the coming days without much more damage to either of you. On the subject of your vertebral fractures, please do some research on your own so you can be a little knowledgeable when you next talk to your doctor. I fractured one a year ago in the middle of my thoracic area. The X-ray report said it was a compression fracture. I'm positive the doctor didn't look at the X-ray, just read the report. I looked up that type of fracture and most look like cracks on the front side of the vertebrae. I was told to rest, take medication, and that it would take about 8 weeks to heal. 9 weeks later I was still in a lot of pain, in fact, it had gotten worse. I had an MRI and was sent to a specialist. It wasn't just cracks, a big chunk out of the middle of the vertebrae had broken loose and collapsed into the spinal cord area. The additional pain was the herniated disk that was caused later by the fracture. This was a type of fracture that would not heal without help. I ended up having an outpatient operation called a kyphoplasty where they inflate a small balloon to reposition the bone fragment, then inject bone cement to hold it in place. I could tell the difference within 2 days and felt much better within a week. We're waiting to see if the disk will need surgery or not after the inflammation has a chance to subside. This may not be your situation, but I wish I had pressed to have the specialist's opinion early on. It would have saved me 6 months of pain, and possibly prevented the disk problem from occurring. You really need to be your own advocate with the doctors, and if you aren't getting the answers you need, find someone else. I couldn't take the vicodin, so they prescribed something else for me. If you're unhappy with it, ask for a different medication. Some people get rigid braces to help keep the vertebrae immobilized as much as possible so it can heal. The first specialist I saw was surprised that the doctor had not recommended one. It may or may not be appropriate for you, but doesn't hurt to ask. The large (11 x 14) gel packs were a lifesaver. Much more comfortable and convenient than ice packs. I've seen them on sale at Amazon and other places on line. Sitting for any length of time was hard for me. I was most comfortable in our small recliner, not totally reclined, but enough to take the pressure off. You might see if that helps. Please take care of yourself and do what you need to make sure you are getting the proper medical advice for your specific situation. I will be sending you positive and healing thoughts.

Springermom, I am stunned that your uncle was so mean. You might try writing a letter to this Uncle. Not to ever send and since he has passed perhaps simply put it aside for a little while to burn later. Writing down how he hurt you, may help you deal with this pain. Crying makes us vulnerable and you were in the most vulnerable spot imaginable. Your uncle was a weak and insecure man. His anger at your show of emotion was wrong. I was not there to say if he did this with malice. It may be that he was unable to deal with his own grief and attacking you was his way of coping. There are many ways he could have handled his own angst at this funeral. He could have walked away or remained silent. What he did by yelling at you was that he stole your ability to heal yourself, express yourself and let the pain out. Crying plays an essential role in our biology as well as our social and cultural experiences. We can't always stop the tears from flowing, but crying gives our bodies and those around us a moment to pause. It is a time to either be alone, be hugged or let those emotions out. A famous British psychiatrist Henry Maudsley said "The sorrow which has no vent in tears may make other organs weep." For those of us who have trouble letting the tears out we must remind ourselves that it is okay to be vulnerable and allow ourselves to have moments of emotional expression. Thinking of you and wishing that if the tears decide to flow you will know that you are allowed to cry. ~boxerpups

I think that I understand why you are so sad. Here is my advice, take it or leave it. It is meant with kindness, and I hope it doesn't sound too harsh. I think that your response to the dish breaking is a release of the pent up stress of everything you are experiencing right now, and the feelings of things happening that are both good and hard at the same time. The dish is a physical reminder of your time when you and the children were together, doing something as a unit. And of course it is a thing of beauty in its own right. We all know that time marches on and things change, and that can be both joyful, difficult, wistful, and gut-wrenching, and make us both proud and lonely. I think that the dish breaking was just a physical release of all of those emotions for you. And your darling son is trying to help you focus on the true physical reality of what actually happened, and detach it from the emotional meaning that you may be feeling from what happened. And that in itself is yet again a reminder of the finish line reached as a successful parent, and a solemn reinforcement of the fact that your role as primary teacher and problem solver for your children is over. So again both happy and sad. (Yes, I am going through the empty nest transition myself, and have been reflecting a lot on this as my friends and I all are experiencing this together in different ways. And we moved last year and I had to do the possession evaluation as well.) Of course this could be just how I would feel and think, and may or may not have anything to do with you and your experiences and feeling. But I wanted to share in case it helps you. And the reason is, aside from wanting to help you understand, is that if this had happened to me in this context, I think having something made from the pieces would make me feel this anguish over and over and over again every time I saw the broken pieces. And that even if I found the "same" old piece, I would always know it was a substitute. So I guess what I am saying is that if this had happened to me, not only would I be sad like you are sad, but that I think that I would pout a bit, and then try to move on, instead of recreating the past. Now you might find great joy in a key fob or pendant or tray or frame with the pieces, but I know that that would make me beat myself up over and over. For me, it would be just better to be sad, and then to move on and create a new good memory. Again, I am not trying to say what you should do. I just wanted to bring this up in case it would apply to your situation. And now, back to home decorating. hugs and sighs, Julie This post was edited by juliekcmo on Sat, Jun 28, 14 at 8:40

Hi DFW -- I've been where you are, and know how uncomfortable it is all around. My husband is a wonderful man, but he's human -- and my older son, his SS, pushed all of his buttons. Wasn't always that way. At first, things were *wonderful* between the two of them. In fact, *too wonderful*. DS made the mistake of telling his BioDad how much he loved SD and how much fun they had together and BD felt threatened. So BD began bad-mouthing SD to DS -- told him all manner of narrow-minded, hateful things, some of which were 'just true enough' to be sore spots. And DS would come home from visiting his BD and act different. He no longer had the big hugs and kisses for SD and SD's feelings were hurt. DS would say all sorts of things that were innocent but hurtful, and clearly prompted by BD's comments. And SD was hurt some more... After a few years of this, SD put up an emotional wall against the pain and DS began to feel he wasn't loved in the same way our biological son was. Fast forward to the teen years... DS has now mastered 'The Attitude'. He never actually did much acting out, or even said much that was disrespectful -- but there were days when contempt for SD practically oozed out of every pore. DS mastered the 'evil eye'. Of course my husband didn't like it! Younger DS has such an affectionate, laid back manner that the two kids just couldn't be compared -- but SD did compare them. Older DS was 'lazy' (true), had a bad attitude (true), was spoiled (absolutely true at BD's house, sorta true at ours). They didn't like each other very much and it showed every day in a hundred little ways. Neither one of them *ever* gave the other the benefit of the doubt. Thank goodness DS went away to college. It was the best thing for everyone, in that DS grew up and outgrew the nasty teenage attitude. He also got serious about his schoolwork (really applied himself for the first time ever) and started bringing home grades any parent would be proud of. And SD was so proud! And shared his pride with DS in the form of heart-felt compliments and respect. And DS was polite and respectful in return. That was the beginning of the thaw -- Recently, DS and I had a heart-to-heart about that whole situation, and finally talked about the crux of the matter: DS always felt like the victim because he almost never actually *said* anything disrespectful. He never actually *did* anything more awful than shooting a dirty(!) look and slamming a door. Yet still SD was always 'nasty' to him. Truthfully, SD didn't actually *say* much either. Basically, the two of them just exchanged 'tones' and 'dirty looks' for 10 years, each complaining to me about the other. And it finally dawned on me that I never 'counted' what was not said or done -- even though I knew perfectly well that DS was being hateful. But SD did. He *knew* what those dirty looks meant, and I explained that to DS. Then all of sudden, DS realized that SD was absolutely right about what DS's dirty looks had meant, and that the looks and tone of voice he had received in response began to make perfect sense... That SD *did* 'count' those looks as disrespectful behavior (they were!) even if Mom didn't. That SD, as the recipient of the scorn didn't 'give points for self-control' the way Mom did. It was a 'light bulb moment' -- And DS began to realize that he hadn't exactly been an *innocent* victim... So is everything all better now? No, of course not - but it's pretty good. SD knows he was surly and impatient, and DS knows he acted like a brat, and they both realize that the other is actually a pretty good person, though with a few flaws... So what should YOU do to assure a decent outcome? It sounds to me like what you're doing is the right thing... Counseling. Patience. Continue to work on it. Urge Hubby not to take your DD's behavior personally, because it isn't actually about him -- it's about her. Acknowledge to him that she's in a really rough age, and that she WILL outgrow it and come out the other side as a rational and reasonable adult. And that you want her relationships to be intact (or at least reparable) when that happens. I'd also urge you two to meet with the counselor *about* DD but *without* her being there so you could work on things without hurting her in the process. (Not being able to think of a single good thing? Ouch! And NOT nice. He should have made something up.) It would be nice if they could call a truce and agree on a course of simple courtesy and respect -- one that specifically outlaws dirty looks (they do count) and nasty tones of voice (they hurt too).