My brother died unexpectedly at age 48...

20 years ago

My big brother, Manuel, died of a massive heart attack on July 3rd. Though he had a bit of high cholest. & some HBsugar, there was no indidcation of how bad his heart was. I have to keep reminding myself what a blessing it was that he went quickly without suffering. I was on vacation with my family when it happened & came home as quickly as possible. He was kept on life support until I got home, so I was able to spend about an hour with him before he passed. (We did not have to make the decision about removing life support, his BP just plumeted & he went on his own.) I have been told that he waited for me.

It has left us all devastated & broken hearted. We thought he would be around forever. He had ALWAYS been there for us. Anything we needed, his whole life. He was a father figure to me & another brother, Richard.

The worse part is seeing how much pain it has brought our mom. The pain is un-bearable at times, tears come everyday. Some days have been better than others.

He was married(12 years)without kids. The marriage had always had difficulties. We are trying to be supportive of our SIL, but most of the time, we keep our anger to ourselves. There were little signs about his health that went un-noticed by her. I think had she been a little more attentive, he could still be with us today. We have met with his MD to ask how something like this could go without notice. He could not give us a definate answer. (My brother had been under regular drs. care.) Why?? Why?? Why??

I know God had other plans for him.

I have gone through all the emotions...denial, grief, anger, guilt. I was probably not the best sister to him & I wish I could turn time backwards to do things differently. I wish I had spent more time with him...wish I told him how much I appreciated everything he did for us. I told him these things the last night at the hospital. I hope he heard me. Someone told me that one of the last senses to go is hearing...has anyone else heard of that?

We have never gone through such a loss. Life can be so unfair. He was such a great guy, always willing to help. Why him?? We miss him SO much.

My own life has been on hold since this happened. (I am married with 2 teenage girls.) Because of the language barrier, I had to help my mom & SIL with ALL the arrangements & with everything else afterwards. (He did not have a will & so dealing with the probate issues have really taken from me mentally & emotionally.) I find myself wondering, "How can a person's life be reduced to a pile of papers??" Life can be so cruel. There has to be more to life than this....

I have been "looking after" my mom since this happened. I am so worried about her health & emotional state of mind. I know the worse pain is loosing a child. I hope she never has to go through anything like this again. She has decided to return to work today. I think it will be good for her to be distracted.

This all feels like a horrible nightmare that I wish we could wake up from. The reality is unbearable right now....

Thanks for listening....

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Comments (5)

happysewer
20 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I am so sorry about the loss of your brother. No one should ever have to go through this. I do understand. A year ago in June my only son died in ATV accident. He was 31yrs. old , divorced, and had three young children. My heart has ached ever since..Each day I try to keep my smile on but I still cry many times each day. I have also lost my dad and many other special people in my life but your right, it has never felt as hard as losing my son. He sounds kind of like your brother. He did everything for everyone.
Its good your mom went to work, it really helps to keep busy, but its during the quiet times when its really hard.
This whole thing takes a long time and the first year is really hard.
Our family tried to do things differently, on holidays, birthdays, etc.
I also have one beautiful daughter who is so good to me. But there is always a huge, empty, hole in my heart and always will be. Just stay close to your family and talk often of your brother and how special he was. This whole grieving process takes alot of time and its different for each person. Bless you and your family. This is really hard.
Carol
lulie___wayne
20 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I'm sorry for the loss of your brother. He sounds like such a sweet and caring person who must have loved his family so very much.
I too agree that you need to continue talking about your brother to family and friends. It also may help to memorialize him in as many ways as you can think of. It feels good to do things in our loved ones' names and gives us a sense that they will be remembered and that their death was not completely in vain.
Time will help. I found that the second year after my daughter was killed was the worse, but everyone is different. I think that for the first year I was still in shock. It was so unbelievable and she was only 19.
Blessings to you.
Lu

Here is a link that might be useful: Christin Cosby Memorial Web Site
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alohalani
Original Author
20 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I know this Holiday season will be very sad. His birthday is on 11/29 & Thanksgiving will exceptionally hard.

I want to make a scrapbook of him, but right now, going through his pictures is so painful. Someday, I want to make a spot in my garden for him.

My mom has been so upset that even looking at his pictures makes her cry. She has returned to work to keep herself busy.

I have contacted our local Hospice about counseling. They have a support group for people who have lost someone suddenly & unexpectedly.

Thanks everyone for listening.

Mary
sheebah
20 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I am so very sorry to hear of your brothers death, your grief is so very fresh, it will take a long time to feel at least a little better.
I lost my 23 year old daughter on may 28th this year very suddenly, we had no chance to say goodbye, the pain is there day after day, it's hard to cope at times.
I recommend you and your mom see a griefcounselor, it has helped us, we saw him yesterday and we see him again in 3 weeks time, we also hope to have the toxicology results back by then so we can speak to him about it.
God bless
Martha
alohalani
Original Author
20 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Thank you everyone for your kind words. I did see a grief counselor yesterday. It felt good to unload my feelings.
It seems like grieving is going to be a long & very hard journey.

Lu...Cristin's memorial website is beautiful. Thank you for sharing it. I love to scrapbook & hope to someday soon be able to make an album for my brother. It's too painful to go through the pictures right now.

I do find comfort in visiting him at the cemetary.

Martha, hang in there. I can only imagine what you are going through. When I see my mom going through her pain, it has been one of the hardest things to see. Please take care of yourself!

Mary

My brother died unexpectedly at age 48...

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