Hi, I'm waying in from the deep south. All my life my parents who were both over 35 yrs older than me. (I have 2 brothers and a sister, older than me). Told us all that we didn't ask to be born and didn't owe them a thing. Right.... My Mom's heart has acted up since I was 10. But basically she was healthy up to her 64th birthday. A total of 14 heart attacks of varing levels have occured since. I was single during about 5 of the years after her first attack. I took off a whole year to care for her after the first so she wouldn't be put in a nursing home. I love my Mom dearly. I am 49 this year. Married my late husband(not my first marraige) when I was 36. 1 year after we married he had 3 strokes and 2 heart attacks, the same year both my parents had open heart surgery. Guess who was elected to care for all three at once? I love them but do feel that my siblings should have helped me out some. My sister; also a housewife said she couldn't help. and the 1 time she did come to help...LOL. while I was filling the RX's; my sister went and bought Mom some church's fried chicken. Where was her mind? I walked in just in time to snatch the chicken box out of her hands. She and her family used the weekend to visit their friends instead of visiting with Mom. After Mom's next attack, when she called, Dad said that if she was going to come and help with Mom she was very welcome. But if it was going to be a repeat of before. 1 hour of Mom visit, and 3 days of them going friend visiting and tourist stuff; no thanks. My oldest brother who is retired, replied that he and dad didn't get along. My other brother didn't relate to the family for the last 25 years of his life. Long story short. I spent 7 yrs being caretaker to my husband until his death in 2007, during which; In 2007 both mom and dad's health went to pot(open heart); COPD,diabetis, asteoarthritis, numbness in limbs.. Dad got a blockage in his intestines, supposedly a 2 day hospital stay. Instead it resulted in a 10day stay that ended in his death. so two of them are now dead. And Mom requires someone with her round the clock, as now her nerves are shot and she shakes and cries alot on top of all her other health troubles. I have no family that will help. Her friends are her age and above; my husband is dead. And we're living on $1000.00 a month. I have a government phone that she calls me on if I'm gone very long; she checks that I haven't had a wreck or some other calamity. I love her, I loved my Husband and Dad. But never thought I'd be widowed and total caregiver starting at 46.

I have to agree - helping others should not come at such a cost to you and your well-being. For your own sanity, literally, you should talk to a therapist yourself who can explain what is going on, it is some sort of codependency thing when your dad defends your mother's reprehensible behaviour etc. Clearly something needs to be done, but you need to look after yourself. There is nothing wrong with approaching their doctor and discussing the situation with them, it happens all the time. I would say it's clear that your dad isn't coping and has some mental issues himself. My mum is herself very self-centred and somewhat verbally abusive of my dad, it took me a long time to see him through my own eyes and not hers, and work out he's a pretty cool guy. It was a shock to me to realise my first wife was very much like my mother, and my role very much like my dad's, although I didn't resign myself quite like he did, and eventually got out. I had to ask him one day why he put up with it, and he sheepishly replied since he'd put up with it for so long he couldn't do anything now. I know this sounds callous, but I sort of hope she'll pass first and he'll remain reasonably healthy so he can enjoy some of his time a little more, and maybe come and visit with us (overseas) a bit, she's been too unwell to travel for some time. I hope you can find the strength to do what needs to be done and distance yourself a little, if that's what it takes. Make sure your kids understand all this, again, talking to a therapist would help.

I'm very fortunate that Mum will accept help from people, but she suffered a stroke and couldn't "work" her left side, so help was REQUIRED. And she was aware enough to know it. She has a tub in her bathroom. When she came home after close to 10 weeks in the hospital and two rehabs. we'd changed out the shower head for a shower massage, gotten a shower seat, installed handrails, put the arms on the toilet. I hired a woman to come thrice weekly to assist her with bathing. She went from the strict supervision of the NH to a private aid and there was NO FUSS. In fact, she LOVES the attention. Try the bath again and tell her it's a luxury to have someone help you bathe... all the great queens throughout history have had bath maidens... ;) The woman who comes to help Mum is very nice... chitty-chatty, efficient, and very patient. Whenever there is a Monday holiday I offer it to her. If she takes it, I pay her for it. She's earned that. We got off to a bit of a rocky start, but once I reminded her of what I expected, she did it. Reliability is worth a lot.

Thank you all. I come from a rather peculiar family in some ways. As semi-Christian Scientists little has ever been made of the passing of a family member's corporeal being. I have never attended a funeral for a family member. Ever, really. Cremations are common and ashes are scattered. Oddly my mother has never called me to tell of any of this, even that Dave passed away. As a dutiful child I made a call to the care-giver's number and asked to speak with my mother. Request denied. I then had a strange conversation with her about Dave's death and that in her words it was "time for Dave to go to heaven" and found myself speaking in those quiet careful tones one reserves for someone holding a gun or sitting on a ledge. So I quickly asked her to give my regards and condolences to my mother and to tell her that I'd love to hear from her when she is able to speak. Duty fulfilled, sort of. The caregiver called my sister a few moments later and wanted to know why I would call my mother there. Sis explained that it was the right thing to do. (Thank you, Sis, for being the rational being you are.) There is to be a memorial service on November 1, All Saint's Day. Since my family is neither Catholic nor religious this escapes me but I suspect it the wishes of the caregiver. Sis says there will be lots of marigolds... I probably will not travel for the memorial but will send whatever seems appropriate or is requested. I told Sis I would go if she needs me there. Dave was a patient and kind man. Sis inherited his easy temperament and wise way. I didn't know him well but learned to appreciate him as an adult. We believe Dave escaped. Finally.