skip to main content

I honestly don't know what to do...

16 years ago

Hi. My name is Heather. My father-in-law passed away suddenly of a heart attack in December. I have been trying to help my husband, but I am not sure if anything has worked or is working. I have never had to support anyone through grief before so I am mostly clueless. I have lost a good friend many years ago...and technically I lost my father in 2001 but I did not have a clue about that. My parents split up when I was six and I lost all contact with my father at that time. A couple of years ago I started some genealogical research into my family to try and locate him...and it is through that information that I discovered he'd died in 2001. So I have never even really grieved my own father; having never really known him how can I grieve him? So in a way I am doubly clueless.

There are times when he acts like a real jerk towards me...and it's JUST me...not our two older kids, not his mother...JUST ME. Can I help it that I have never really gone through this in any way shape or form before and have no clue what may or may not upset or bother him on a given day? Nor can I help it if I am 35 + weeks pregnant and need his help doing simple things that are quite beyond me at this point, given the size of my belly and some health issues I have had.

I do not expect him to quit grieving just because life still goes on. I do not expect him to "get over it"; I know that a person will never truly "get over" the loss of a loved one, that the pain only lessens with time.

The only thing I do expect, for lack of a better word, is if he is down, to tell me first thing, so I don't set him off accidentally. He says he doesn't want to fight about stuff, well neither do I, but having never gone through this before, how am I supposed to know what will or won't piss him off? I'm not a mind reader, but sometimes I feel as though he expects me to be. I feel like he expects me to know what will trigger him into a bout of depression or anger, and I don't have any idea...and he still gets mad at me for something I don't know.

I am sure there is more I could say...but I don't know what or how to say at this point. Ask questions if you want...I do better with questions usually.

Thanks.

Heather

Sort by:Oldest

Comments (2)

karen_b
16 years ago
I just lost my husband of 34 years suddenly to a heart attack and I see what my 28 yr old son is going through. You need to hug and kiss and tell your dear husband how much you love him. If he's not a touchy feeling kind of guy just be there for him and DON'T take anything he says personally. Those words are only the grief coming out, he will regret those one day and you don't want to make it worse on him or yourself. I'd recommend seeing a grief counselor for you and your husband (if your husband won't go you go, and if you don't see one you like keep looking until you find one you do or talk to your ob dr.), and discuss these issues separately with the counselor if necessary especially if it sets him off. As for you needing help during this pregnancy, is there a friend or family member you can rely on? If so call them immediately. At this time everyone that knew your husband and/or is father wants to do what they can to help but you have to ask first, so don't be afraid to ask. God bless you dear
silversword
16 years ago
Hi Heather,
My DH lost his father two years ago. It took over a year for things to get "normal" again.

I don't have any advise, just don't take things personally. I've never lost a parent so I have no idea what goes through the mind.

But, I've noticed that people will often take their anger out on the one person they know will love them unconditionally. The person with whom they feel safest. It sounds to me like you are that person for your husband :)
Related Discussions
help quick...my first hosp ever!!!
Q
Comments (13)
Donna, a sparrow spooker is used from the time the first egg is laid until the last baby fledges, not before that and not after that. If you have a nestbox and don't put the spooker up during the egg laying or incubation it can still be put up while their are hatchlings in the nest. You shouldn't put it up before egg laying as you don't want HOSP to get used to it but you can put it up anytime during an active nest. As soon as the babies fledge you should take it down again until the next nesting. I have no clue what you want to do seeing you think they may fledge tomorrow, it won't affect that at all however it would keep them safer from the HOSP. Even if you don't "think" you have HOSP, you just never know, it is better to be safe than sorry. Good luck, hope your Blues fledge safely! Donna
...See More
need ideas- Dog won't use restroom on the dirt at new home.
Q
Comments (9)
They can certainly get quirky with their poopy routines, can't they? I had a most wonderful dog I adopted as a young adult dog who must have been disciplined severely for choosing inappropriate spots to deposit his payloads. He would not poo on the ground, but parked them on anything raised up off the ground. I suspect, in his mind, as long as it wasn't on the floor or ground, it was OK. I would find the deposits (especially if he had an accident in the house) in wild places. Once in my daughter's ballet slipper right before a performance, once on top of a floor waxer ( I will never figure out how he managed that one) and once propped up on the top edge of the woodwork. He is long gone, but certainly not forgotten.
...See More
Wisteria - Urgent help request
Q
Comments (2)
Drought damage can take a while to show up in long-established plants, even months after. If you have taken any stems from the Wisteria - was there any discoloration internally that might lead you to think in terms of a fungal disease which could have come in during the drought? If it is a fungal attack then it may well spread plant to plant underground. Is anything else in your garden or local area similarly affected? Boring beetles have no qualms at all about attacking either live or dead wood - depending on their preferences. Other possibles include a change in the water levels or a seepage of some kind; an accidental poisoning from some source including paving, roadworks (although Wisteria are usually indifferent to surface spraying of glyphosate in my experience.) I'm not sure about roots several feet down but I've met them many yards away from the main plant, sneaking off to scramble victorious through the neighbour's cherished hedge. For such large and ancient plants to travel the distance you indicate seems possible - but not to be so greatly impacted by an excavation. Having seen some seriously decrepit Wisteria, full of dead wood, and borer holes, with a few sprouts still clinging to life, I think I'd be patient for a while longer - but I'd probably protect the base of each plant if you have severe winters.
...See More
Off centre fireplace in double living room
Q
Comments (26)
Loving the alcove ideas. SOOO much better!! This is where chairs with a swivel come in handy. We found they can be added to many chair designs. To orientate your room to the fireplace may look best--is it really how the room is used MOST often? I gave up long ago pretending the TV wasn't the main use for our living room.
...See More

Related Stories

LIGHTING What to Know About Switching to LED Lightbulbs

By Karen Egly-Thompson

If you’ve been thinking about changing over to LEDs but aren't sure how to do it and which to buy, this story is for you

MATERIALS Insulation Basics: What to Know About Spray Foam

By Mariana Pickering (Emu Building Science)

Learn what exactly spray foam is, the pros and cons of using it and why you shouldn’t mess around with installation

FUN HOUZZ Everything I Need to Know About Decorating I Learned from Downton Abbey

Mind your manors with these 10 decorating tips from the PBS series, returning on January 5

WORLD OF DESIGN 8 Things You Didn’t Know About Italian Marble

By Laura Molteni

How did the ancients extract marble? What makes it white or colored? We unearth fascinating facts about this luxurious stone

LIFE You Said It: ‘Just Because I’m Tiny Doesn’t Mean I Don’t Go Big’

By Becky Harris

Changing things up with space, color and paint dominated the design conversations this week

BATHROOM DESIGN 14 Design Tips to Know Before Remodeling Your Bathroom

By Mitchell Parker

Learn a few tried and true design tricks to prevent headaches during your next bathroom project

REMODELING GUIDES Construction Timelines: What to Know Before You Build

By Incite Design

Learn the details of building schedules to lessen frustration, help your project go smoothly and prevent delays

LIFE Tell Us: Do You Know How to Live With Your Parents?

By Becky Harris

If you've tried multigenerational living under one roof, we'd love to hear the details

REMODELING GUIDES What to Know About Budgeting for Your Home Remodel

By Incite Design

Plan early and be realistic to pull off a home construction project smoothly

MOVING 9 Things New Homeowners Know to Be True

By Victoria Harrison

Just moved into a new home? Congratulations! The fun is about to begin

Sponsored