New member - gripping

12 years ago

Hello all - I am so glad I found this group!

I'm sure my problem isn't new or unique, but I'm very alone with it here, and I guess I need someone to notice. Very lonely. See ...

My dad passed 1 1/2 yr ago, Alzheimer's. Mom & I took care of him at home until about the last week. I have always been very close to dad, losing him is the worst thing ever for me. But mom - well, I tolerate her. I really do try to love her, but it's not really there. I treat her with respect, kindness & dignity, and it is against my personal beliefs to abandon her. My bro and sis live 1,000 miles away, without me she'd be left alone and really can't be.

So my problem is - we lost dad and I thought I would never be 'me' again. And ever sense, it's like - everyone assumes I'm ok. Not once has my mom or my sis said one comforting, understanding or thoughtful thing to me about the grief I'm feeling - it's about mom. I know, she lost her husband, I don't think it should be ignored, it's important and I've done lots to help her. Why isn't anyone helping ME? My children and friends are doing their best, without them I'd have no one at all. But my family? No. My brother tries, he really does. But mom & sis -

Am I just really selfish? Do I need to just get it through my head - my mom and sister will not even try to care?

Has anyone ever dealt with this sort of thing who might have some suggestions I could try?

Thanks for you time, I'm glad I found the group,
Virginia

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Comments (4)

new-beginning
12 years ago
some people are "clueless" - have you tried a grief support group (i.e. griefshare.org)
sylviatexas1
12 years ago
really?

OP should write off the hope of getting some understanding & support from her family, & turn instead to a grief support group?

Is the family clueless?
or is OP clueless?

How do you think your response can help her?

Virginia, I think you need to speak up for yourself;
howl at the moon if you need to, but make yourself heard.

So many times people assume that the person who has been like a rock during a crisis really *is* a rock.

Let them know you're human & ask them for definite things;
to take you to the Dairy Queen or have you come to their house for ice cream & converstaion,
to help you shop for fabric for new kitchen curtains,
to go to the movies with you,
to help you scrub-just anything-floors, walls, car, anything; scrubbing is good
etc.

just anything definite that they'll know they can do & that they'll know, when they've done it, that it's done.

("Help me feel better"...they don't know how, & they won't know when or if it's done.)

In the final analysis, time is the best healer, & meanwhile we have to sort of tread water & take care of ourselves & wait for better days.

Do take care of yourself:
eat right
don't get into bad habits (smoking, drinking, medicines, picking up sailors down at the docks...)
get more exercise than you want (oxygenates the blood to the brain, very helpful),
& put something into the time that you now have, time that was structured in taking care of your father.

It doesn't have to be the brilliant answer to what you're going to do for the rest of your life; it just has to be something to fill that gap while time does its work.

Art class, dance class, kindergarten class aide, something that forces you into the company of other people (isolation is an enemy) & that absorbs your interest.

I wish you the best.
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sunnyca_gw
12 years ago
Sylvia has lot of good advice but mom & sis might not take to it as they are grieving also & especially mom. My mom never said anything to me & I helped care for dad the 2 yrs after his stroke. I was there every day. Mom immediately thought I should spend nights at her house- it was "all about mom" but when you are 90 it is mostly about them. They are trying to survive, losing strength, most of friends were already dead. So you need to ask mom if she wants to talk & then listen. She feels she has "no one" since you have a family. Do more with your children but include mom when you can. Check on her often, you are becoming the adult here & she the child, that is what old age does to you unless she is very young, if she were only in late 50's or 60's then you want to try to get her interested in club, sewing, quilting, crocheting, knitting, church group, volunteering at hospital, school etc. She would be young enough to get value out of putting herself out in the community. Your 1st order of business is your own family your children feel your pain & hurt. Also keep in mind if mom never discussed her "business-personal or otherwise" with anyone, she isn't going to start now. Your bro & sis have lives of their own, what do you want from them, distance makes them also somewhat distance to you. You don't act same around them as you did when you were 15 do you? Everyone has moved on but with your loss of your dad you want things "to go back like they used to be" but time marches on & we can't do that. You would like to be a little girl again & daddy would make it OK. You don't mention a husband as they are often helpful in getting wives through this. Do go to your friends but also try to move on for your kids sakes, they need you more than ever as they know you are grieving. Hold them close do some fun silly things with them, isolation is indeed the enemy. Friends & kids will get you through. My hubby died young & I had little money so I got in car & drove 1 mile to shopping area & just watched people come & go to keep from going nuts at home. Time will help too but try to get closer to your mom but be aware that she might push you away. Or she will become clingy so don't go overboard "doing" for her. You can make it!
new-beginning
12 years ago
Sylvia - the family is clueless - Look, I've been there - my Mom died six months before my husband - I couldn't do much to help my dad because I was dealing with a dying husband - yes, I am sorry I couldn't do more for him but I did as much as I could.

My kids were there for me when DH died but they all have their own lives/spouses/children/jobs - I found a grief support group extremely helpful because everyone in it had already 'been there'. No matter whether it was a spouse, parent, child they had all experienced a major loss in their family.

It certainly is sad that no one is asking the OP how she feels and is paying a lot of attention to the Mom, but sometimes that is just how it is - sometimes ya just have to take care of yourself by yourself.

CM

New member - gripping

Comments (4)

new-beginning

sylviatexas1

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sunnyca_gw

new-beginning

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