New member - gripping

9 years ago

Hello all - I am so glad I found this group!

I'm sure my problem isn't new or unique, but I'm very alone with it here, and I guess I need someone to notice. Very lonely. See ...

My dad passed 1 1/2 yr ago, Alzheimer's. Mom & I took care of him at home until about the last week. I have always been very close to dad, losing him is the worst thing ever for me. But mom - well, I tolerate her. I really do try to love her, but it's not really there. I treat her with respect, kindness & dignity, and it is against my personal beliefs to abandon her. My bro and sis live 1,000 miles away, without me she'd be left alone and really can't be.

So my problem is - we lost dad and I thought I would never be 'me' again. And ever sense, it's like - everyone assumes I'm ok. Not once has my mom or my sis said one comforting, understanding or thoughtful thing to me about the grief I'm feeling - it's about mom. I know, she lost her husband, I don't think it should be ignored, it's important and I've done lots to help her. Why isn't anyone helping ME? My children and friends are doing their best, without them I'd have no one at all. But my family? No. My brother tries, he really does. But mom & sis -

Am I just really selfish? Do I need to just get it through my head - my mom and sister will not even try to care?

Has anyone ever dealt with this sort of thing who might have some suggestions I could try?

Thanks for you time, I'm glad I found the group,
Virginia

Comments (4)

new-beginning
9 years ago
some people are "clueless" - have you tried a grief support group (i.e. griefshare.org)
sylviatexas1
9 years ago
really?

OP should write off the hope of getting some understanding & support from her family, & turn instead to a grief support group?

Is the family clueless?
or is OP clueless?

How do you think your response can help her?

Virginia, I think you need to speak up for yourself;
howl at the moon if you need to, but make yourself heard.

So many times people assume that the person who has been like a rock during a crisis really *is* a rock.

Let them know you're human & ask them for definite things;
to take you to the Dairy Queen or have you come to their house for ice cream & converstaion,
to help you shop for fabric for new kitchen curtains,
to go to the movies with you,
to help you scrub-just anything-floors, walls, car, anything; scrubbing is good
etc.

just anything definite that they'll know they can do & that they'll know, when they've done it, that it's done.

("Help me feel better"...they don't know how, & they won't know when or if it's done.)

In the final analysis, time is the best healer, & meanwhile we have to sort of tread water & take care of ourselves & wait for better days.

Do take care of yourself:
eat right
don't get into bad habits (smoking, drinking, medicines, picking up sailors down at the docks...)
get more exercise than you want (oxygenates the blood to the brain, very helpful),
& put something into the time that you now have, time that was structured in taking care of your father.

It doesn't have to be the brilliant answer to what you're going to do for the rest of your life; it just has to be something to fill that gap while time does its work.

Art class, dance class, kindergarten class aide, something that forces you into the company of other people (isolation is an enemy) & that absorbs your interest.

I wish you the best.
Related Discussions
New member, new Aeroponic
Q
Comments (2)
yellow solo cup, used solder pen to melt holes...just make sure to clean tip good with emery cloth and re-tin tip when done. also forgot to mention water pump runs 24/7 air pump runs 24/7 with one output in reservoir just to keep the nasties out and the other in gallon container of pH'd top off water. lights are on a 16/8Hr timer cycle
...See More
New Member, New Homeowner, New Questions
Q
Comments (17)
Actually, that was the side I didn't do anything to other than cut a few of the larger berry bushes at the bottom of the hill. That birch is in rough shape and without staking it up and waiting several years, it won't survive. I would just assume take it down since it's not really in a great location anyway. I hate to do it since they are becoming relatively scarce due to disease and insects. This picture http://minus.com/lbx4OfKnwRF4xc shows what are definitely blackberry/raspberry bushes. I wouldn't mind having them, in fact I would welcome having a ton more, just not here. Being on the slope they will not be easy to get to when the mature and have fruit. If there was a way to transplant them or something I would love to hear it. I had tried it in the past, but the only way I have ever seen them grow was by accident and negligence. Based on the size of a few of the lower bushes, I would bet they may produce a limited amount of fruit. The smaller ones at the top of the hill however are definitely not mature enough from my experience. Going off on a tangent... I loved having berry bushes growing up and we had a large sandy area on my parent's property that they grew like crazy in. They eventually began to die off and my dad chopped them all down. The began to come back by the time I went to college, but it took a while to get any amount of fruit from them. My last year at college I rented a small cottage on a back road that had the biggest patch of black raspberries I had ever seen. I started picking as soon as they began to ripen and then ever couple days for the next 3 weeks. I stopped for lack of room in the freezer for 1gal ziplock bags. I made at least a dozen pint jars of jam and a few quarts. I gave a bunch away but i'm hoarding the last few of the "good" batch for myself. :) So in other words, I would love to have berry bushes, just not where they are. A lot of what you see on the ground on the left side (looking from the house) is debris and not much in the way of live plants other than some weeds. Obviously it is still very early here and not much has come up yet though. The tree shown in the background of this picture http://minus.com/lbwhVJrx76OE9d appears to be planted from what is left of the mulch/preparation around the base. This shot http://minus.com/lvFny84VUSjeW shows a rock swail that comes down from what is left of the last owners fish pond sort of thing. There is a reddish low lying plant growing on either side that I failed to get a close up picture of. It appears that it will look nice later in the spring but needs some weeding and/or mulching. I will take your advice and try posting some pictures on the "name that plant" forum. In the meantime, would I benefit from getting some sort of tall meadow grass mix to put down in a few weeks? *whoops, I wrote a book
...See More
New member and new Chilli grower.
Q
Comments (4)
+2 I agree. For most chilis, if I want truly ripe peppers, I wouldn't pick them until they are ripe on the plant or at least, starting to turn ripe. For instance, a Hot hungarian wax pepper will be a yellowish green color while growing. But once it starts to ripen, it will turn a shade of orange and shortly after will go to a nice bright red color. If you want "ripe" ones, pick them when red or at least orange going on red. That being said, many peppers are normally picked and eaten when still green such as a Jalapeno which will eventually turn red. There is a bit of taste and heat difference between them and it is a matter of personal preference. I generally pick and process most of my Hot Hungarian wax when they are still yellowish green. I do this for a few reasons. 1. The flavor and heat suits me fine at that stage. 2. I usually don't want to wait too long. Any time after they reach mature size, I will pick them. 3. It allows the plant to get busy and put it's energy into producing additional pods. Bruce
...See More
New member, new project
Q
Comments (3)
I faced the same dilemma and decided not to hire one. I thought it would maybe save a little money and build a good rapport with the builder showing that we could work one on one. We're 13 weeks in and I haven't wished we had an agent. I don't feel like they're taking advantage of us but this is also our first build. If you truly felt it wouldn't cost you a more expensive contract price, and your time is extremely limited then an agent may be worth it. Hope that helps and good luck! PS - I should add that we have a large, reputable (but locally owned) builder, so I went in with some confidence that they have a reputation on the line.
...See More
sunnyca_gw
9 years ago
Sylvia has lot of good advice but mom & sis might not take to it as they are grieving also & especially mom. My mom never said anything to me & I helped care for dad the 2 yrs after his stroke. I was there every day. Mom immediately thought I should spend nights at her house- it was "all about mom" but when you are 90 it is mostly about them. They are trying to survive, losing strength, most of friends were already dead. So you need to ask mom if she wants to talk & then listen. She feels she has "no one" since you have a family. Do more with your children but include mom when you can. Check on her often, you are becoming the adult here & she the child, that is what old age does to you unless she is very young, if she were only in late 50's or 60's then you want to try to get her interested in club, sewing, quilting, crocheting, knitting, church group, volunteering at hospital, school etc. She would be young enough to get value out of putting herself out in the community. Your 1st order of business is your own family your children feel your pain & hurt. Also keep in mind if mom never discussed her "business-personal or otherwise" with anyone, she isn't going to start now. Your bro & sis have lives of their own, what do you want from them, distance makes them also somewhat distance to you. You don't act same around them as you did when you were 15 do you? Everyone has moved on but with your loss of your dad you want things "to go back like they used to be" but time marches on & we can't do that. You would like to be a little girl again & daddy would make it OK. You don't mention a husband as they are often helpful in getting wives through this. Do go to your friends but also try to move on for your kids sakes, they need you more than ever as they know you are grieving. Hold them close do some fun silly things with them, isolation is indeed the enemy. Friends & kids will get you through. My hubby died young & I had little money so I got in car & drove 1 mile to shopping area & just watched people come & go to keep from going nuts at home. Time will help too but try to get closer to your mom but be aware that she might push you away. Or she will become clingy so don't go overboard "doing" for her. You can make it!
new-beginning
9 years ago
Sylvia - the family is clueless - Look, I've been there - my Mom died six months before my husband - I couldn't do much to help my dad because I was dealing with a dying husband - yes, I am sorry I couldn't do more for him but I did as much as I could.

My kids were there for me when DH died but they all have their own lives/spouses/children/jobs - I found a grief support group extremely helpful because everyone in it had already 'been there'. No matter whether it was a spouse, parent, child they had all experienced a major loss in their family.

It certainly is sad that no one is asking the OP how she feels and is paying a lot of attention to the Mom, but sometimes that is just how it is - sometimes ya just have to take care of yourself by yourself.

CM

New member - gripping

Comments (4)

new-beginning

sylviatexas1

Related Discussions

sunnyca_gw

new-beginning

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US