I lost my mom two months ago. It all made sense before, the age and pain. I had it all figured out, "She's at peace," I told myself and others over and over again. I floated sadly through my day and had small cries coupled with little cushion for managing any daily issues.

Then last weekend came and it all turned inside out. The permanence of being "motherless" on mother's day rose from this tight knot in my solar plexis and continues to tower over me. I don't weep anymore, I collapse.

Today I soaked in the sunlight reminding myself that it is something I love. Even with the chill in the air, I strain to smell life.

But when it's dark, I wish for my mother's voice to just once more, say my name. I turn onto my side and wait.