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nate1904

Still thinking and still grieving

nate1904
14 years ago

I don't really know how to start this post, but I suppose this'll have to work. My best friend Jaron Vandyk practically my brother committed suicide a year ago. I was 16 at the time. He took a bunch of pills around the beginning of March and passed away April 1st. That was the hardest thing I've ever endured in my life was to look at my best friend laying bound to die...and there was not a single thing I could do about it. We met when I was 4 and he was 5 years old. Lived right next to each other and always spent time together. Anything I remember enjoying in my life he was always there to enjoy it with me. I try not to think about him everyday so it seems when I do think about him it hits me hard. I'm not the one to cry but this gets me every single time. I feel so guilty. When we got to high school we both sort of seperated. Although we did talk usually through myspace we didn't hang out much but found time when we could. The day before he tried killing himself we were planning to hang out. I decided to go with my other friends. He called me that night and I sat there watching my phone ring. I didn't pick up. It's hard for me to say no to people so that is what I did. He left me a message saying to call him back he wants to hang out. The next morning I wake up and check my myspace. He left me a message simply saying "I'm sorry man". I was confused and brushed it off. Two hours later Julie (his mother) calls me telling me what happened. I haven't told anyone I purposely didn't answer the phone because of the guilt I feel. I miss him and when I think of him I think of the childhood he gave me. I think of the nights I spent the night at his house, the girls we always chased and competed for, the family trips, the games we played, everything. I'm sorry for this being as long as it is. I don't think I need help, most people even my family doesn't know this hurts me as much as it does still. It just seems to hit me when I'm having a hard time in my life. I just needed to get this out and needed people who I know won't spread it to listen. Thank you

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