i am so sorry for your loss and for what you are going through now. your husband is right about at the point where reality is setting in. grief is such a strange thing and it's so darn hard to help someone else cope with it, even someone who should be looking to you for comfort.

when my husband died after an agonizing battle with kidney cancer, i, too, was with him during his last moments. it is an imagine i will never forget and while i am glad i was there to hold him and touch him when he passed, i wish i could get rid of that image. after 2.5 years, i still see it.

it really sounds to me like your husband is probably suffering from some significant depression. speaking from experience, i did much the same. for 2 years, i shut people out. i went to work, i came home, i spent time with my dogs. i did not want to make "small talk" with anybody, i turned down invitations and i made myself scarce if somebody called and wanted to visit. i simply did not want to interact with another human.

finally, my sister-in-law sat me down for a heart-to-heart talk and she didn't beg me to go to my doctor, she INSISTED i do it. once i started taking an antidepressant, a whole new world opened up to me.

i still cry, i still even have the occasional meltdown but i no longer see life as being so empty. i will miss gary until the day i join him, every bit as much as i missed him 6 months, 2 years, 2.5 years ago. the hurt never goes away, it never gets better, it just gets "different".

if you don't feel you can talk to your husband about this, perhaps one of his "buddies" can help you out. a little push from a friend in the right direction could do wonders for him, for you, your kids and your marriage.

i hope he will listen before things get to the point of being beyond help. i know how frustrated you must feel. a person cannot "go around" grief, they have to go THROUGH it in order to heal.

i wish you the best and again, i'm so sorry for your loss.

I strongly believe that many men process grief differently than women, especially after watching my husband lose his parents. He went back to work but he was short-tempered. It was almost like he couldn't be sad (but he was, down deep and it came out in anger). He cried out in his sleep but couldn't remember the dreams. He suddenly became hard on me, like I wasn't fulfilling his needs but I didn't know what he wanted because he couldn't talk freely about it.

Try to remember that grief has its own timetable. If you stick with him, you can get through this but he will have to face the grief, not bury it. If he won't listen to you or confide in you, would he confide in a grief therapist? Sometimes people are afraid of grief.

I am facing the loss of a parent and I am already grieving, at times. This is my last parent. I don't want to be without a parent so I let my feelings come.

People smarter than I have already posted here, and what they have said is very wise.

Men have a need to fix and control things. When bad things happen that they can't control or fix, they feel helpless, and in our culture where men are supposed to be strong, often they feel lost. Their whole sense of identity is shaken. Anger and grief are emotions often mistaken for each other. Grief can bring us to our knees, make us feel lost and alone and passive; anger, though destructive, is energizing in a sick way, makes us want to fight, to take on the world.

Also, when people we know or are close to die, we are faced with our own mortality. Your husband may be angry that the life he thought he'd lead, the things he thought he'd do, are not what he is living today, which is true of the vast majority of us. It is NOT a reflection on you, just possibly feelings that he might have. His moving out of the bedroom, his expensive purchase without consulting you may be a harken back to his younger, single days, when he was young and free and his mom was always going to be there.

Sorry if this is disjointed. My husband's mom, Barbara, whom I love with my whole heart, does not have a lot of time left. My husband seems paralyzed and is in denial. He went through some hard times when he was younger, and what stands out to me is that he once told me that, no matter what, even when he felt the whole world was against him, he knew his mother loved him.

I know you must be so puzzled and feel so isolated. My heart goes out to you. Do your best, be patient, but know that in the long run, whatever sadness and anger and insecurity your husband is feeling, on some level, he must face and come to terms with on his own.

You have been a really good wife. Your statement about knowing his heart is broken and yours is broken for him, well it tears me up because I know exactly what you mean. Most of the time, love is about closeness, but sometimes it is about space--giving time to those we love to grieve in their own way, come to grips with the loss. But that doesn't mean that we give up ourselves.

You have rights and feelings here too, as do your children. Give your husband space, but remind him gently, quietly, lovingly, that he has a family that is alive and well who needs him, that the life his mother gave him continues, and that, as his Mom loved him, his best tribute to her is to share that love. She gave him the gift of life, and it is a slap in the face to that gift if he ignores/denies his children, and turns his back on the love and legacy of what she probably cherished most--her family, which is now his family.

Be patient, loving, and kind, but take care of yourself too.

My best hopes for you,

Kate