Well, I'm home - in my pajamas, having just indulged in my idea of total comfort food (DH made me a grilled cheese sandwich), and I'm just going through some things here in the home office. Today was a long day ... a good day ... but so draining. The service was lovely; I was surprised at how many attended, especially since Grannie and Grandaddy have outlived many, if not most, of the friends in their circle - still, the chapel was full. The flowers were beautiful and the photos displayed of her at the front were so precious. My favorites were her high school graduation photo (today I wore the little gold bracelet she had received from her parents on graduating in 1934 that she wore in the photo - she was the first in her family to receive her diploma - as well as her jingly charm bracelet), and a portrait taken perhaps a year or two later in which she looked like a silver screen star. She was so beautiful. Of course, I always just knew her as "my Grannie", so it's fascinating for me to consider what her life must have been like as a young woman. It was sweet today to hear stories of what she was once like. How, for instance, she showed herself to be a thoughtful sister when she got up early one Sunday morning before church and polished her sister's shoes, so their mama wouldn't find out that the sister had been out dancing the night before. She looked out for others, always. It was good to see family and friends, both old and new. It was a delight to hold my 8-month old second cousin and watch his brown eyes dance as he took in all the activity around him. It was bittersweet to hold the hand of my Grandaddy. I know it won't be too long before we're repeating this whole process for him. ::sigh:: The readings and sharing of memories during the service, both my own and the parts of other family members, went beautifully. Of course we were emotional. And it was ok. It was an emotional time, so perfectly fine. I think Grannie would have been pleased. I hope that somehow, somewhere, she was able to know that we were there today, honoring her life. Again, I cannot thank you all enough for the outpouring of love and support that you've given me here. It means more to me than I can possibly even express. You are very special people indeed.

When my mom passed away it took me a long time to adjust because of her attitude, what my family went thru, the way she treated my husband's relatives etc, I really did not miss her. I had to keep telling myself, she did the best she could. My Dad did some things that were hard for me to accept, but looking back and known dementia now I have to forgive him and remember the fun times. Then when my husband passed away last Aug., I did grieve, but usually at night, and by myself. He was so sick with the cancer, treatments, heart problems, breathing etc. he could barely climb the stairs to the bedroom and I took his meals to him more than once. He just hated the treatments he had to take, it was a brand new drug, and very very hard on him, so I did all the driving etc. His lungs were very congested and in ER, received quite a bit of medication. It was just his time, and he went quite fast and very quiet and peaceful. I miss talking to him, but again we had our ups and downs and he was getting very difficult to live with and his driving was not good, that is why I took over. The last two years were not good. I am a survivor and with the support of my kids and others I will make it---I Hope. Don't worry about the grieving, it will come in bits and pieces., and there are support groups/people to help you out. My great grand kids help me. They are so great and were just amazing at the funeral. My 4 (now 5) year old kept telling everyone that great grandpa has wings and would look up to the ceiling, and wave and tell everyone to wave at him . And they did!!

Nate, I am so sorry for your loss and everything that you are going through. I lost my 12 yr old Kevin 12/31/08. He hung himself trying to scare me, but it backfired. We had an argument before he did it and told me he was going to do it, but he said that "he was going to kill himself" every time he was mad. I thought he was just saying it to say it like he always did. I took my step daughter out to ride her bike, and I locked myself out of the house for 2 hours. My fiance came home early from work to let us in and then I found him on his closet door. He did it with shoelaces and they weren't around his neck. they were just under his chin, cover his arteries. He passes within 4 seconds the paramedics said. I understand your guilt and pain. It is not easy. I see a psychiatrist,go to group therapy, and I'm on medication. I could not get through this on my own. Maybe you should see a professional, just for now to help you through the greiving process. Its not easy. I also belong to another forum: www.otrib.com. You should check this site out. The people one there are great and understanding and will help you get through this tough time. Everyone there has lost someone they love. They are from all over the world, so everyone is in different time zones. You may email me if you wish to talk more. Please take care, Monica

Jan, I have often thought when one has been through hard times for many years with someone, the grief of how we would like things to be starts way back then. It's pieces of grief over and over again, so when that person passes, perhaps we've already done alot of grieving of losses we might have had with them. Relief is probably to be expected, too. I love your idea of a list of good memories you remember with her. Susan, I am thinking of your family today. We are also having dinner with our DIL & Son who lost their baby...hold each other close & time will heal the fresh sadness. Liz