i too lost a loved one to suicide.. its very painful and shocking. He was showing signs of depression and I was already pregnant with our 1st child.. I too wasn't in a stable mood and I was also frustrated at how unloved I felt. before any intervention could happened, he leap to his death, total abandonment of a pregnant wife.... I dunno how to grieve this kind of death. I could have understand more if he was ill or it was an accident. but he choses death while I was pregnant with our first was a complete shock... I am still in shock and honestly for him to do this, I am not sure if I will remember him fondly. I wish I could but right now I am so very angry hurt and lost. and with those said friends too

Nate, I am so sorry for your loss and everything that you are going through. I lost my 12 yr old Kevin 12/31/08. He hung himself trying to scare me, but it backfired. We had an argument before he did it and told me he was going to do it, but he said that "he was going to kill himself" every time he was mad. I thought he was just saying it to say it like he always did. I took my step daughter out to ride her bike, and I locked myself out of the house for 2 hours. My fiance came home early from work to let us in and then I found him on his closet door. He did it with shoelaces and they weren't around his neck. they were just under his chin, cover his arteries. He passes within 4 seconds the paramedics said. I understand your guilt and pain. It is not easy. I see a psychiatrist,go to group therapy, and I'm on medication. I could not get through this on my own. Maybe you should see a professional, just for now to help you through the greiving process. Its not easy. I also belong to another forum: www.otrib.com. You should check this site out. The people one there are great and understanding and will help you get through this tough time. Everyone there has lost someone they love. They are from all over the world, so everyone is in different time zones. You may email me if you wish to talk more. Please take care, Monica

My darling husband passed away 15 days ago. We knew each other for 8 years. He was very vibrant and full of life, had a good job house and car. Internally though he was suffering from chronic depression and was addicted to alcohol for many years even before i knew him. It got worse when he lost his mother 3 years ago. He would constantly talk about killing himself, praying that God would take his life. It was like seeing him die everyday. I prayed that he comes out of his depression, went to the psychiatrist to get meds for him, put him in rehab, gave him unconditional love but nothing seemed to work. He stopped eating and would just drink and watch the tv the whole day and night. Any attempt at communication was met with silence. He did not want to talk about anything. He gradually became so weak that he was bed ridden. I would coax him to eat or at least have some soup or juice but it was an uphill task. 3 years and 10 hospitalizations later he is no more. His body and organs were so weak that it could not process any medicines. I just wish that he would be alive today maybe he would have made an effort at living. People tell me that he is free from his worries and depression. I hope he is finally at peace. People say that your love was one sided but i know that he loved me and needed me. He would feel more depressed when i was not around him. I would call him my sunflower. In the end i feel he could not help himself. I miss my darling a lot.

How long were your parents married & did they have a good relationship? Clearing out his stuff will be hard. I did it a few days after my dad passed because his room was needed. I remember cleaning out his closet and thinking this was what his life came to - his stuff in black bags. My parents while married for 40 years, were more just living together. Something came out of my mothers mouth less than 12 hours after he passed - I swear my mouth hit the ground. I saw her 2 weeks ago for the 1st time in 9 months - she said something really cold that I had to blow off - something to the effect of - life goes on (she was telling me how all his stuff got thrown out), you have to get over it - I don't know why you're so upset - well I guess I was with my parents too - I just didn't love him like that - I felt sorry for him I'm glad you found comfort. When the plants started waking up in the spring, it also brought me peace. I also bought a rose in my dads memory called Unconditional Love. For me, it helped to plant it and see it grow & bloom. Everyone is different. Not everyone deals with death the same way. You know what is right for you, but it may not be right for your mother. Take something to remember him by. Put it in a shadow box frame so that it doesn't get ruined. If you have a scanner - grab some photos from mom, scan then print them; then get yourself a frame that has a few photo spaces. I used one like in the link below, it has 9 compartments for photos and trinkets, but mine was from Walmart. Unfortunatly they don't have it listed online. Here is a link that might be useful: frame