Will the pain aver go away?

18 years ago

I lost my husband to pancreatic cancer in Dec-2000, he was diagnosed in stage 4, and lived 3 months, he was 44. He was everything for me. It seems that it was long enough and I should feel better about it by now, but recently I lost 2 of my best friends, and this brought me right back to square one, the pain feels unbearable at times, I would do anything to see him, talk to him, have a moment with him, know how he is.

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Comments (6)

kjkst
18 years ago
My mother just died this Sunday. I can't believe the pain I am feeling. I have never experienced anything like this. I sometimes think I am okay and then I just break down crying. I just want her back. I just want to tell her how much I love her. How much she meant to me. How much I appreciate her. People say it gets better, but it sure is hard. I know that my mother suffered alot in the end, and that she is at peace now, but I want her back. I know it is selfish, but it is soo hard for me right now.
mariong
18 years ago
Kjkst,

Upon reading your Post it took me back to November - when I unexpectedly lost my Mom - The pain is so great... But today I feel uplifted. Some days are worst than others - but I find comfort in believing my Mom is in a great place. I read the book Hello from Heaven and have been reading more about life after death (I am catholic but never focused on this so much). Think of what your Mom would want for you - she knows how much you love her and appreciated her. As time goes on - it seems more bearable, but always there.
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Hi knb, I lost my Dad on Oct. 20/09. He had a stroke. He lasted a week before he actually passed away. My Mom passed away when I was 28. If I learned anything from that, I am 47 now, is that it takes time. Grief hurts. There are no ways to avoid it. Try and accept the feelings you are having and don't fight them. There is absolutely no right or wrong way to go through this. As far as how long, everyone is different. If you can see one bright spot in everyday, even just a minute, you'll been on the right path. One minute leads to two, then an hour, then a day, then a weekend and so on. Before you know it, your grief won't be the all consuming power in your life like it is now. Just allow yourself to grieve, but most importantly focus on the bright spots. They are the light at the end of your tunnel so to speak. I am as well struggling with the loss of my Dad. But I know from experience what to expect, and what is normal for me. I have two girls 12 and 10, so I know that having kids can make it harder to cope. All I can say is ask for help if you can, from friends or family and hang in there. Trust me, it will get easier. Grieving is a process. You can't skip ahead without going through what your mind and body need to feel better. I'm at a point in my grief, where I need to focus on my bright spots. If I don't, it will pull me down too much. I'm actually looking forward to refocussing. Will I be grief free quickly? No, but I'll start to feel better. Little by little. And in time I know I will be back to normal. That's going to feel a whole lot better than where I've been. I hope this helped you, and all the best Lizzy
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jazzie
18 years ago
No, I don't think it gets better, people think I am better, I am just learning to hide my grief and anguish better. Eveyone finds it too upsetting. I am just learning to not talk about it, too pretend, whatever...

I have just gotten Hello From Heaven and will start reading it..

But right now I don't even know if I believe in God anymore.... My faith is on real shakey ground right now...
itshouldgetbetter
Original Author
18 years ago
Thank you for all your messages.

Jazzie, how long ago was your loss? I guess I am tired of putting it aside, I have done it because I thought it was too painful at the time to deal with it and I didn't feel ready, and now ready or not with the death of my 2 best friends it just hit me in the face all over again.

One thing for me though, is that this has not shaken in any way my faith in God, although I never thought I would loose my husband so young, I do know that we are all going to die one day because death is part of life, not because God is mean or because we have done something bad. I find that by putting my trust in God, I don't feel alone going through it, that helps tremendously because I feel His love and that He cares, but I wish it would help with the pain of me missing my husband and wanting to be with him.

Sometimes I think that my pain is very selfish, it seems to me that is all about me, I miss him, I would like to laugh with him, I would like to do things with him, I would like to dream with him, I, I, I......, on the other hand I know my husband must be in a better place right now, and that makes me get upset at myself sometimes, I think that if I really loved him, I should be happy for him and get on with my life. I guess I would like to be able to look at his death without feeling the pain, that's all.
tinaholloway
18 years ago
Dear Itshouldgetbetter,

Do you have children? I have 3 (21,13,11) and my husband was just diagnosed with Mantle cell lymphoma, life expectancy is 5 years.If it comes back, and he does the chemo and everything a second time, he could live up to 12 years. That is the longest so far that has been recorded. He is 42 and I don't think it's long enough. I don't know what I will do. Like you, my husband is everything to me and my entire life. Of course I have my children, but that is a different type of relationship. I haven't worked in several years because I didn't need to, and now as I see him get weaker and weaker, I am so frightened to go back to work. I am unsure if I can make enough money to support my children and myself. Do you have any suggestions or advice for me? Thanks for listening...Tina
ms-smith
18 years ago
itshouldgetbetter,

You are so right that the pain is unbearable at times. Losing one person that you love is hard enough, but to lose 2 close friends is a tremendous tragedy that takes strength to make it through. That pain that you feel will indeed take some time to subside and dispel, even though your memories and thoughts about your loved ones will recur daily. Millions of people feel exactly as you do, that despite knowing your husband is pain-free, and in a peaceful rest that your hunger for comfort still has not been satisfied. The God of all comfort knows that as humans it is NOT natural to lose our loved ones. If it was meant to happen, why does it hurt so much? He sees what pain you are in but more importantly he has promised to do something about it, for both you and your husband. At Isaiah 26:19: he promises "Your dead ones will live. A corpse of mineÂthey will rise up. Awake and cry out joyfully, YOU residents in the dust! For your dew is as the dew of mallows, and the earth itself will let even those impotent in death drop [in birth]." Isn't it far more comforting to know that you have the chance to laugh with your husband, to do things with him, to dream with him again. But not only will you be reunited, but you will be able to be together under better circumstances. God will be sure to "wipe out every tear from their eyes and death will be no more, neither will mourning nore outcry nor pain be anymore" (Revelation 21:4) What better source of comfort is out there than this? I really do empathize with you. It pains me to hear when others suffer such a great loss. I hope this has brightened your outlook and brought you the comfort and hope you were searching for.

Will the pain aver go away?

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kjkst

mariong

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Will the pain aver go away?

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kjkst

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