Any soul survivors due to recent loss??
Is anybody else on this forum the last remaining family member due to a recent loss ????? If so I could really use some advice on getting back on track!!!!
It's especially hard for me now, I had a small family to begin with consisting of my mother, older brother and me. We all had health problems but moms and brothers were the worst and I was caregiver but lookin back I feel I could've done better. We lived in a condo together and turned the downstairs into a hospital bedroom for mom until she started having frequent mini-strokes and had to have 24hr. care, then her cancer returned and took her in 2004. While it was tough I had my older brother Mike 58 to console me Mark 54 but we both grieved constantly, after all we were all we had left except for our kids and Mike's were kind of far away and didn't care to visit because of his cirohsis and they didn't like seeing him that way (geee)
Mike's cirohsis got much worse and we fought to get him on Johns Hopkins Liver transplant list,but after taking all tests we didn't hear anything back from them after making many attempts. My brothers ability to walk with his walker now was seriously in jeopardy now and I was in a constant state of denial and when I got flashes of his passing I got mentally upset and lost my ability to deal with the my caregiving duties until I gathered myself. I couldn't face the possibility of my brothers death and me being completely alone so I blocked it out totally.
That weekend I was helping him back from the bathroom and he stsrted talking and not making any sense and after several attempts he managed to tell me to call rescue, but I remembered the last time this happened he responded to me when raising my voice and kinda snapped back but it didn't work this time, my brother fell into coma and passed 2 weeks later. He was so much to me because we lost our dad when I was 11 and he was 15 and I looked to him as father figure and then we became work partners and later to become growing old together until now. He was always there for me and we both realized we were all that remained from our deceased parents and tried to console each other but he always seemed to keep calm where I had anxiety and he calmed me down.
I am totally by myself now and feel like I am loosing it because I feel I should've paid more attention to those feelings I had that Mike was nearing death instead of blocking them out, I should've had him re admitted back to the hospital even though I had just brought him home a week ago. Then He had a few good days to make me think he wasn't getting worse and the back and forthness of this disease drove me to the brink and I would find my ability to deal with his next downturn almost impossible because that sinking feeling of the worst reality that my brothers death returned made me want to knock it away and made me lose my temper knowing I was loosing the battle.
Since his passing on October 18 I constantly have feelings of guilt like something I did or didn't could've prevented his coma and I keep replaying it over in my mind constantly, and the constant solitude is neverending, but when I try to go outside I feel like the "Stranger in a Strange Land" and hurry to get back home where no-one is.
I agree with the other poster that this is the worst year of my life and after 2 1/2 months since my brothers passing I can't tell if I am making any progress in my grieving because being totally alone it's so hard to tell. I saw my kids for a few hours for a late Christmas visit because they always visit their mom and her most recently divorced husband for the holidays first, and I could tell they were slowly getting bummed out by me and my problems but I guess I have to try and pretend I feel alright.
I am sorry for everyones losses and I hope the New Year is a better one and I thank you for listening and welcome any and all responses.
Sorry for the long read