Great support - thank you all, it is very much appreciated. MALMASON, thank you your kind words are much appreciated. ANN, thank you for all your helpful advice. I do not know if I can get in touch with the Judge, though, I would like to, believe me. My former lawyer is sending the whole file back to me. I have received another helpful letter from him laying some recommendations out to me and finishing off with "I wish you well with your applications. I believe they are well supported and I would be making the same types of applications if my grandchild was at risk. Please contact me to let me know of the outcome". Ann you gave me some really good advice which reminds me to constantly be in touch with the authorities etc. In fact I am going to communicate with the case worker on Monday. She certainly has taken on a lot of power and I know does not believe in separating the siblings, but we do get along and is quite easy to talk to. The foster mum though has become a friend and we can discuss things amongst ourselves which we do not share with the case worker, and we are in touch with each other more than once a week. I do have contact information for all the other lawyers, who now are obliged to include us in all notifications. I already have a very large file of my own and have been diligent in saving all e-mails and printing when relevent, infact anything to do with the case, Our huge affidavit, as well as our police records, home study report and anything that we have from the ministries, and our lawyer. Our son who has been involved but in the background, we believe will be more visual on our lawyer's recommendation as he is the birth father. Even though his job as a tree faller makes it impractical for him to parent Ryan, he has made affidavit to the fact that he wants and trusts his parents to do this. Thanks again. ATHENAINWI, thank you so much. Very appreciated. KATHY, thanks again dear friend for your kind words. ROSE NUTTY, you are so right, so many people believe that. If she has not changed in the last seven months the children have been in foster care, what are the chances. Obviously the children being apprended had made no difference to her. Though she says they are her life. Thanks for your encouragement, much appreciated. ROSELVR, thank you so much for your response. Firstly I want to wish you the very best in your own legal matters too. Yes, cost is phenominal. I think we are up to $20,000, but not had the final account yet, there may be a little left from the original retainer. This would have cost us easily another $10,000 if we had retained counsel for the next JDR and trial, I am sure! Anyway, in the end I trust it will not be a complete waste of money, if only to do with the knowledge that Ryan knows we were there and stood up for him, but I am hoping for a little more than that. Roselvr, I need to organize my files like you, I am sure that will be a big help. Similarly, I have one with everything and then another one with the important material I need at the time. When you talk about a binder with plastic sheets, are they attached to the binder so that it really is in book form and they keep the pages clean, or is this something where you can grab the material easily when you need it, sorry I am not sure I understand? Your last sentence is so true, and we hope and pray too. Thank you so very much. ZEFFY, Just an explanation here. Sorry for any confusion. I refer to my son-in-law a lot because he is a lawyer in Vancouver. Though he practices corporate law, he has still been helpful to us, though he does not profess to know a lot about family law. He was thinking we had no rights as grandparents, where in actual fact that is not the case when the children are in a foster home, grandparents and extended family also, do have rights! In our case there are obstacles. Anyway Florence thanks for your response, you are very kind. I do hope it turns out like your friend's situation, that would be great. Situation seems almost the same, it is, where we as grandparents come from, our grandson is important like theirs, unfortunately we have two extra things to deal with, the issue of the half sibling who is years apart in age and the geography, two provinces apart.:SIGH All of you have been great and supportive and I will keep you updated. Roselvr, good luck to. I will be thinking of you on Monday. Florence, lovely to have you back in full force and "walking" around your garden. Hope you have a great season and your daughter comes on in leaps and bounds too! Pauline - Vancouver Island

You should not have mentioned her illness at all in your email to her. You say one pleasant thing and then give her a zinger. "We enjoyed having the baby" was fine, but then you say "sorry about the circumstances". Don't be ashamed(imply there is shame),pray she gets better, etc. Not nice things to say to a women who has PPD. Don't write any more emails to your son or dil. She isn't thinking clearly right now. You aren't helping the matter with the emails. Talk to your son either face to face or on the phone. Politely ask your son if your dil is receiving help for her PPD and let it go at that. Thank him for the SIDS info. I don't think she was rude to you at all. She is suffering from a very real illness. As the other poster said...it is Not about you. Don't try and make it so. NancyLouise

I think you can assert your own rules at your house. My kids do have rules at home. But there are still some different rules at Grandma's. My mom has a lot of little breakables at her house and would not just put them up for the grandkids. She insisted they be taught not to touch them. And darn it if my kids didn't figure out that Grandma just has some rules we don't have at home. At home, we just don't have little breakables setting around to tempt them. Sometimes the kids just test grandma, see how much she's spoil them. One visit when my DS was about 4 he got out some toys and didn't pick them up the first time my mom asked him to. He walked away and went to do something else. My mom picked up the toys and put them in her closet, gone. DS came back, wanted the toys again and my mom said "Sorry, you didn't put them away. So I did, and now you don't have them anymore. Next time, you should put toys away when you're done." You bet he didn't mess with grandma again. DH's parents are positively anal, they get truly upset if the kids touch the walls or windows. Now at home I'd be insane if I tried to keep 4 kids from ever touching walls! But at that Grandma's, they know and follow the rule. (We don't actually visit there often, it's stressful for everyone to be that extreme.) But I appreciate that the grandmothers set rules at their house too, instead of the stories I hear of grandmothers who undermine parents' rules by living by "anything goes at grandmas." I would rather they support me in setting expectations of behavior. At someone else's house, their rules trump mom and dad's. My point is, kids learn that there are different expectations in different places. Heck, my own DD is a model student at school and her teachers do not believe that she ever talks back to me! LOL. Does your grandson have behavior issues at school? If not, then you know he can respond to a change of rules/expectations in different environments. You could work your concerns into conversation with the boy's parents. In fact, I think you should do so with caution, but do it. Maybe they are concerned too and would appreciate the support and listening ear. You could model to them that he can in fact respect your rules, so he can learn to respect theirs to if they assert them. Try to voice your suggestions in a way of "He can learn to do this" instead of "He doesn't, you don't make him..." Don't make it criticism. Make it clear what can be gained by expecting more of his behavior: success in school, better friendships, responsibility builds confidence, people will trust him. He will be a happier kid in the long run if he is taught to respect others. That is what this really comes down to. It isn't just about obeying rules superficially. It is about realizing how his behavior affects others, and how that in turn affects how they feel about him. I have used the line with my kids, "Your friends/people/grandma and grandpa don't like it when you act like that. It's not fun and it makes them feel sad/angry/tired." You can work on establishing the boudaries and expectations at your house when your grandson is there. Next time, say to HIM, "You said something last visit that I did not like." Talk about it, ask if he meant it, get his perspective, listen to what he thinks about his behavior. Tell him he should not talk to you like that again, or about his parents like that again. State the rules of picking up after himself at your house and that you know he can do that. Even ask him to help with other tasks, like setting the table. Tell him how helpful he is and praise his contributions as being grown up. It will make him feel so much better than the out of control tantrums and not knowing who is really in charge. Reward him with your attention when he respects you, but not when he doesn't. You can do this between the two of you. He is old enough to talk about it with you. It is great if you can get his parents on board. But if if they can't/won't enforce it at home, you can get his cooperation at your house. You can just speak to him straight forward, tell him you and he will both be happier when you respect each other instead of argue and get angry at each other. Let him know you're there to help him be his best self, which is NOT tantrums. Make him feel proud of himself when he shows respect for you and others. Make it feel better to him to behave respectfully than to have a fit to get his way. You CAN expect him to follow your rules at your house and treat you with respect regardless of what his parents let him get away with. You CAN show your support to his parents by listening and letting them know you care about your grandson and their family. Sorry, that got much longer than I intended, it rambled some. I thought about deleting and trying it shorter. But I'm leaving it as it is, I want to say it all. ;o)

My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years. He has two adult children (from first marriage) out of state in their 40's who I adore and we have a grand time of it. His second marriage (wife died of cancer) and he had two children (boy 23, girl 29) who were indulged and never said "no" to. We are both retired and in our 60's and love to travel, RV and enjoy the recent home we purchased. Though we thoroughly discussed his involvement with his children and my not wanting any role other than his partner, there is tremendous animosity with his younger two adult children towards me. It has taken my BF/Partner these 5 years to learn boundaries and to know how to say "no" in a healthy manner. His son is in therapy, though I feel it is for attention from Dad and to have the excuse of not finishing college (we are going on 6 years and NO degree yet and has not worked a paying job in 3) The daughter teaches in a foreign country but the time she comes home is wrenched with stress. I made up my mind recently that I need to sit back and observe and unless that it effects me directly through disrespect, I can not involve myself. If my BF/Partner asks my opinion, I temper my words, though I am honest with him with my thoughts. It's never fun to have this type of family dynamics, but I am a great believer that when adult children try to inflict pain on their bio parent or their partner, they are the ones that have esteem and security issues that only they can resolve. The daughter is manipulative of her father, as is the son and though I see a major change in my partner's thinking, he, (as any parent) wants to believe some of the BS they dish out to him. I have overheard them too many times conspiring to get dad to do something, take them somewhere, and/or buy them things. Though there have been many family discussions, they seem to walk away still making fun of their dad and myself (something they have openly done to their dad and me, and/or in subliminal remarks they think we are too stupid to understand the reference of). Not only do they make fun of their father, but when we are out eating, they have made fun of waiters and people they observe. (major insecurity in my book) Such a shame that two young adults would waste not only their time on, but their energy, internal thinking and the impact it will have on them (as nothing in life that is done in a negative connotation goes unnoticed by the powers that may be,,,it will bite them in the butt somewhere) I am reading inspirational thoughts from Wayne Dyer and I find great peace through that forum. My final thoughts:How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours. I refuse to allow my ego to get in the way of my happiness. Is it hard? you bet...but is it worth the work of thinking greater thoughts? YOU BET IT IS!