Boy, do I know what you're going thru. I have two children to a previous marriage, my first husband was killed. I remarried a few years later to a wonderful man that loves my two kids, and three years ago, we had a child of our own. Our daughter was born with Down Syndrome. She is beautiful and healthy. My husbands parents didn't react so well when they found our she was downs. They treated her like a sick child, they told people she had "a touch of Down Syndrome". Well, to make a long story short, we told them that we didn't want her treated differently than the other gkids. She is healthy and wonderful, and she need to be treated that way. They were angry and didn't speak to us for 8 mos. That was almost two years ago, and still to this day Alison isn't attached to her grandparents. We visit pretty often, but it is almost like they missed the bonding time when she was a baby and Alison knows it. I really hope that your mother realizes that building loving relationships with her family is too important to throw away on a stupid power struggle. If not, she will miss out on so much that can never be returned to her. I understand your frustration, but you can't make her resolve these differences. She made this decision to be angry, and she has to make the decision to get glad! You need to not be so hard on yourself. She's a grown woman with a mind of her own. Maybe you both just need a little distance right now.

My children are older now, not babies or children, but I had the same ideas as you when they were little - limited tv, limits on sugary snacks and sweet drinks, breast feeding, etc. And, like you, my mom laughed or ignored some of them. Fast forward 20 years later, my mom appreciates the way I raised my children and she understands now why I made the choices I did. I am very, very glad I had the rules I did when my kids were young - I was right and I'm glad I held my ground. None of your choices sound extreme to me - limiting sugary snacks, limiting t.v., wanting a schedule and more time just the 3 of you, no trip to the beach at 4 months old - those are all reasonable choices. Cheri is right, your parenting ideas will change as your daughter grows. And she is right, your parents have things to contribute as grandparents. But that doesn't mean that you have to raise your children according to your parents' priorities and wishes. However, keep in mind a few things - whenever you talk about the way you want to raise your kids differently - many grandparents would see that as a criticism of how they raised you, their own child. Before you phrase things, think about how they might come across to your parents as implying that their methods were lacking. Also, be sure and make it a point to mention to your parents what they did right. My mom and I have different ideas about television, putting coke in baby bottles, etc., but my mom is also the person who taught me that when things look hopeless you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and work as hard as you can to change things. That is a gift she gave me infinitely more precious than riches or even education. Be sure and tell your parents what things they taught you that you will pass on to your children. Another suggestion that worked for us is that I told my mom that my husband wanted those rules. My mom simply ignored my rules if they were my rules, but she thinks my husband hung the moon and should have whatever he wants, so she (sometimes) listened if she thought it was my husband's wish. She did whatever she dang well pleased if it was just something I wanted. If my mom was particularly stubborn, my husband told her himself that he wanted it that way. Another thing that works well (with grandparents and babies) is to redirect. If your mom wants to take the baby somewhere, tell her no, now is not a good time, but this weekend would be great, how about then. Or if she wants to give the baby icing, tell her no, but baby loves sweet potatoes, why don't you give her that. Grandparents love to see "firsts" - first bite of chocolate, first time at the beach. Tell your parents, no, you can't take her to the beach this year, but when she's 2 you can take her and be there for her first time. You are being more than reasonable to limit tv, unhealthy snacks, limit visits to less frequently than daily or every other day, and set the expectation of higher education for your children early. Your mother is right, your daughter will express preferences of her own one day in education, food, hobbies, etc. That is still no reason not to set your standards high. If you are raising your daughter significantly different than the way you were raised, it will take years for your parents to change their minds. But when they see your daughter as a teenager, healthy and maintaining a healthy weight, doing well in school, winning awards and doing whatever extracurriculars (sports, violin, girl scouts, dance, whatever rings her bell), trust me, your parents will tell you you did your job well. I want to address something else cheri mentioned - her daughter's desire to use organic food, use cloth diapers, read to her children daily (I heartily endorse the part about reading to your children daily, by the way). The drive to be the best mom she could possibly be was strong in cheri's daughter, and even if her daughter changed her ways, she still probably has a strong drive to do her best. That drive should be honored, respected, and as much as reasonable should be indulged by grandparents. The realities of life will knock some practicality into the heads of young parents - let them have their dreams and give it their best shot. When my oldest was a baby my mother-in-law told me this, "In every young mother's life there comes a time when she has to look at her mother and say, 'Mother, you raised your kids the way you wanted, now it's my turn to raise my kids the way I want'." Be loving, be kind, include and affirm the grandparents, and let the grandparents have their way when it isn't important to you. But stand your ground with kindness on the things that matter. Everything you're asking for is reasonable and healthy for your child.

I have wonderful memories of my Grandmother. Unfortunately, I came along fairly late in life and didn't know the others. You know what I remember? The time she spent with me. I use to spend the night with her and we'd play cards for hours. she didn't have much money and lived with her friend in the upstairs of her home. It was a small upstairs and just right for the two of us. I'm getting warm all over just remembering :-) I have a son that hasn't had the benefits of good Grandparenting and I feel bad for him. His step Grandma is so busy volunteering and doing good stuff for others that all the Grandkids seem unimportant. Her and my Dad have never even had him spend the night and he's 18 now. Too old to care. My husbands side was even worse. From the day he was born they made it clear they were never going to babysit and they didn't. They never built a relationship either. I don't know if your retired or still working, but how special it would be to make time for them during summer vacation or other holidays and spend special time with you. I know when our son was little the pool at the hotel was the greatest entertainment, and it didn't have to be fancy. A walk, an ice cream, etc all willl make memories for that child to hold for the rest of their lives, and it will make them both feel real special. Perhaps you could even be a catalist for the relationship between the grandkids if they don't get to see each other much. I don't have years of wisdom to pass on, just some stuff I appreciated and treasure and regret in the life of my son and his cousins. How wonderful that you cared enough to ask on this forum. I bet your going to be wonderful Grandparents!

magothyrivergirl - I sense the frustration in your post and feel that you must be overwhelmed by everything that has hit you so far. Having gone through this with my DH when we discovered he had Parkinsons and continually losing weight, I know the feeling. Everything will work out okay. I found it necessary to do a lot of information-seeking on my own, going with him to physical therapy and learning how to help him do that. I went to the dietician and learned what he could and could not have and experimented-experimented.. It will work though, and you WILL be able to do it, and I thank the Lord for giving me the strength to do it. Hang in there.- Barb