Although I've never received a letter of this kind, I admit that this is terribly sad situation, yet one that needs your voice. The fact that this woman wrote to you to compliment you for the pleasant memories means that your friendship has had a positive impact on her life, and it deserves your feedback.

I wouldn't be so presumptuous as to tell you what to say, or how to say it, as I'm sure you can do this very well, but you do need to write back to accept this woman's kindness, as well as pass along some of your own thoughts in regard to her influence in your life.

I did that immediately, because I felt I needed to tell her how much her friendship had meant to me over the years. Thank you for confirming I did the right thing.

Too often we hear about others after their passing, how blessed you are to have a friend who cared enough to let you know before her time has come. She's looking for closure on the important parts of her life. Passing the baton to you to carry on alone. You're at a different place in the life/death mix than she is and it brings to mind your own mortality. You're feeling sadness in her loss and coming that much closer to the reality of your own limited existence. Give her a call or write her a note you'll both be glad for the exchange.

Of course you did the right thing! And not an easy thing to do, I'm sure.

This may sound strange, but I believe, in a way that my family was blessed to know that my mom's illness was terminal. The last couple of months, especially, I think for all of us were bittersweet. My mom had alot of friends. Family too. During those last weeks, it meant so much to my mom (and us) for people to be able to spend time with her and to say their goodbyes. In a way, it really is a blessing. You are able to say things you want to say, things that should be said, etc. My mom was much like your friend, she remembered friends she had lost contact with, or not seen/communicated with in quite some time. It was important to her to reach several friends like that. Years ago she had sat (after her children were all raised, mom found her calling and she "sat" with ill, elderly, etc. people) with a young woman who had a difficult birth and complications with premature twins. They had kept in touch off and on since then. Also a young man, I will never forget mom sitting with him, he had some type of accident and had several injuries including a broken leg. He wore a cast from ankle to hip and he loved for mom to drive him around in his RED CORVETTE!! We laughed and laughed over that one. Mom was able to see him during her last days. I cannot tell you how much it meant to her. For some reason it was important to reach these people and see or talk to them a final time.

I wish you and your friend comfort during this. You are a good friend to write her and I know it will mean so much to her.

tina

Mona your reaction to her goodbye letter is natural. It's such a shock to receive that type of missive and you're feeling how much your friend is losing now that her time is short. My DH is a med. oncologist and over the years I've learned many things about how an individual reacts when all treatment options are exhausted. He's told me that one of the most important things he can try to give a patient who is dying is 'time'. Many use the remaining time to make peace - heal wounds, go on trips, visit family, make final arrangements, say their goodbyes. He mentioned one woman whose husband had been a colleague of his who decided to write down all her favorite recipes. She wanted to leave a this as a special gift for her family.

It's evident that your friend valued the time and memories you shared. While this is a sad time your friend is obviously a woman of grace. You're fortunate to have know her.

Quilly - your husband is a smart man and probably a wonderful doctor. His caring shows. He is so right. My mom was at peace but there "loose ends" she wanted to tie up and we did make special memories those final weeks. The lady writing down the recipes reminds me of a night mom called me, she was going through her Christmas decorations, trying to decide what to give to my sister and I.

I'm sorry to go on and on about our experience, but Mona your post really hit home for me.

tina

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. No matter that she wasn't a close friend, she was someone who impacted your life (and vice versa) in a positive way.

That was a very special message you received. What a blessing and a wonderful reaffirmation of what humanity is really about.

Yes I have, and it does hurt, doesn't it?
Several months ago, our (26 y/o) DS's birthfather stunned us with the news that he's dying of incurable pancreatic cancer. In the past eight years since we "found" him, he's become a dear friend. I regret that we live many states away from each other, but am glad that we did "gift" him back his son. DS is his only child and in these past eight years he's had DS fly up to visit him and his wife. They attended his college graduation with us and came down for DS's send-off party as he headed into the military. I'm glad we did, as his eminent passing at such a young age breaks my heart. Your post has reminded me to write him once again, though, to tell him how much his gift and his friendship means to us. Thanks for the reminder that we all need to let our friends and family know how much they mean to us before it's too late.
Lynn

I just wanted you to know, Mona, that your post struck a strong cord with me this morning. As a result, I just sat down and wrote DS's birthfather, "Mike", a heartfelt thank you for the gift of his son to us and emailed it off to him. While I know that an actual handwritten letter would probably have been nicer, I don't know how much longer he has, as he's quite ill now. I just knew that I wanted him to hear, once again, how much I love and cherish "our" son . . . and, the friendship and bond "Mike", DH & I share through our DS.
Thank you for taking the time for your post; it resulted in at least one very good thing.
Lynn

Lynn, what a beautiful testament to the power of good example. Mona, you and your friend have both made another ripple of good energy in the world.

I didn't receive a letter, but I did receive a personal visit once -- our late neighbor, who soon afterwards passed of brain cancer, had been forced (because she lost her job and thus her health insurance and thus her house, thanks to the illness exploitation industry) to leave her house many weeks before. But I got a doorbell ring in the middle of one afternoon, and answered it to find our neighbor and a friend of hers, literally holding her up, there to thank us for being such good neighbors over the years (DH would clean her roof, we always brought her flowers and vegs from our garden). She just wanted us to know she really appreciated everything we'd done.

She looked a sight...thick makeup on, a wig, and her eyes were so empty...but after all the insults her body and soul had taken (I will never forgive 'health insurance' vultures for what they did to her and millions like her), she took the trouble to get all dressed up, get her friend to drive her over (from her daughter's house in another part of town--I can imagine the car ride itself hurt every time they went over a bump), and get her to help her walk from the car to the house (not that far for us, but probably miles for her), just to give a positive cadence to our few years together.

It said everything about the wonderful woman. I'll never forget it. I'm crying again here just remembering it. Mona, I don't know if maybe you feel this way -- that it's a moment Out of Time, a voice and act so archetypal that it jolts us out of our daily bothers and cares and connects us with the universal, through the determination and love of a single little human being on this earth. O.K., I'll stop now...

Quilly,my DH is a GYN/Oncologist and I've been there for him at times when his heart was broken over a patient he lost because Cancer won the battle she was so valiantly fighting. OMG, does he feel the loss, even after all these many years of dealing with the reality that not all patients beat the disease.

I've had close neighbors, friends and family that also struggled and lost. I mourned over their deaths, but somehow this sadness is different. I guess it's because of my friend's bravery in accepting that her days are numbered and her ability to actually share the status of her condition.

I intend to connect more often with people that once were a close part of my life and that somehow have slipped away. My friend opened my eyes and made me aware that time slips away when we're not paying attention.

Let me tell you about one friend who truly "showed grace" under fire. She was crusty, abrasive, could be overly critical at times and yet had a heart of gold. Her siblings and parents were in England; her boys were away at college and her husband was working long hours. I was a SAHM and so I took her to Dr.'s appointments,grocery store and stayed with her after Chemo treatments when she was sick as a dog.

I expected her to rant against the Gods that had inflicted her with this disease. She did not. I asked her once if she wasn't angry at always feeling sick and feeling horrific pain and the fact she would die young and leave 4 young sons and her husband and parents. (Please don't think the conversation was cruel. We had the kind of relationship that accepted these kinds of discussions.)

June surprised me when she answered that she was not angry because bad things happen to everybody at one time or another and she didn't think she was special or deserved to be in an elite group of "untouchables".

She got sicker and sicker and never complained. In my eyes, that was true courage and showed there was much more to June than the crusty exterior people knew.

Lynn, I'm happy my post encouraged you to send the email. We just never know what our words will lead to.

I am blessed to have had Charlotte in my life. I'm thankful she gave me the opportunity to tell her how important her friendship has been to me. Without her email I would have felt the weight of "Unfinished" business.

What a timely post.
Two and half years ago I became friendly with a woman as we waited for our daughters when we were at dance class. Most moms would drop off and leave and we usually stayed. After a few months she confided in me that she had just learned she had a recurrence of bone cancer. Ironically one of her original surgeons was the same surgeon that treated my own bone tumor when I was a teenager. Anyhow this woman went through her treatments with such grace. We became pretty friendly and exchanged phone numbers and that summer after dance ended I visited her with my newborn son after she just had major surgery to resect part of her hip which left her handicapped. She told me she was going to fight like hell no matter what to stay here on earth with her daughter who was 6 at the time. Anyhow I slowly lost touch, and was actually terrified to contact her. I was paralyzed that I'd call and find she relapsed again. I wrote her card to let her know I was thinking of her and hoped she was doing well. I never sent it. I regret that decision, I should have sent it or called. I learned she passed Monday after a hard fought battle and left behind her husband and 8 year old daughter. It just so happens her best friend has been sitting next to me all along this year at the new dancing school my daughter attends. According to her, the family knew she wasn't going to make it, but they are devastated to have lost her. I'm heartbroken I never called again, and heartbroken for her to have fought so hard and lost in the end.
After reading all these posts, I'm heart sick, I wish I would have called.

My DH is also a physician, Mona, and like yours, mourns terribly when one of his patients passes on. Flyleft, I totally understand your frustration with the medical insurance industry. I, too, wish that there could be a kinder, better way. Until then, hold onto the fact that many healthcare people (doctors, nurses, lab and x-rays techs, aides, PT people, pharmacists, etc) really do care very much about their patients and go out of their way to help make their visits, their days a bit better. Like Mona's DH, my sweet DH is in medicine because he truly cares about people and loves helping them (he's a family practice doc). His patients become like extended family and he celebrates their small and large triumphs, as well as taking care of their injuries and illnesses. And when one passes on, he's sad for days after. A friend, who just also happens to be a patient, has passed.
Lynn

Oh, Polly, what a shame. You can't change the past but you can send a note to her family now. Maybe there's a story you could share about your time sitting together and waiting for your girls.

Mona, thanks for posting this. It's making us all think about difficult times and special friends.