I don't know what the "proper" etiquette is, but I see what you mean. You are doing enough, so I don't think cash. No wedding present doesn't seem right though, so, is there something sentimental or a memoto you could give them? I was thinking an heirloom piece of jewelry or something you could pass down to her, but then what for the groom? Maybe the groom and your husband have a common interest?

Is there anything sentimental, from her dad's family that could be given - like a piece of silver or crystal or? Something that was his mothers or grandmothers?

If not, and if you decide to gift something, I love to find unique vintage or antique silver serving pieces as wedding gifts. Something they can use when entertaining or holidays that won't be on a gift registry anywhere...like asparagus tongs or a fish server or a lettuce fork or a large serving spoon (they don't have to be used as intended, but for serving appetizers or whatever. I especially love finding old pieces with an appropriate monogram. Poke around in some nice antique stores. You can find really wonderful, unique things, and they'll always will remember it's from you.

I've never heard about 5 showers, wow !!!

You are basically hosting the wedding, so I don't think another gift is necessary.

I think a gift is absolutely, unequivocally "necessary". In fact, I find necessary a kind of unusual word. I guess I cannot imagine not wanting to give a gift to a daughter when she marries.

It need not be expensive, especially given the back story, but it needs to be important and thoughtful. To not give a gift on such an occasion, IMHO, risks real damage to the ongoing relationship.

At risk of overstepping my bounds, I think you are resentful of the wedding expenses and if I were you I would make peace with that and or clear the air with DH.

Wow. My DH and I lived together for two years so we felt it didn't seem right to ask for our parents to pay for our wedding so we scrimped and saved to pay for it ourselves...it was modest but fun and meaningful...and still, my parents gave us a "modest" gift. Anyway, I agree that giving money on top of money (paying for wedding) doesn't feel right. I was also thinking something sentimental or unique -- if there isn't an heirloom type item to pass on, maybe something personalized and/or arty. Check Etsy.

" Bride's mother is insistent we should be buying them a gift." You are paying for the majority of the wedding, what is her contribution?
In a perfect world, the couple, who have been living together for ten years, had five showers with gift stacked to the ceiling, and really don't need another thing, should say to you, "Your gift of this wedding is more than generous!"
However, that did not happen. I agree with mtn, that somehow not giving a gift doesn't sit right either. I like the idea about a sentimental gift to the couple. How about a couple's spa day? After the stress of a wedding or even down the road, this type of gift is always appreciated.

Yes, a gift is a must. It's completely separate from helping with the wedding.

I agree, no cash.

Just out of curiosity, what is the bride's mother giving them and is she paying for anything?

I don't see where the OP is having disagreements with her DH on this, or that she stated his opinion.

I have to agree, you need to give a gift. Something inexpensive yet sentimental would be perfect. If not an heirloom, perhaps a beautiful photo album for the wedding pictures or an engraved frame.

I stumbled across these embroidered wedding dress labels - very sweet.

Here is a link that might be useful: Embroidered wedding dress labels

Bride's mother needs to keep her mouth shut. She has no say in what other people give to the Happy Couple.

However, I do think a gift is more or less a requirement at a wedding, especially from parent to child.

It's possible to make paying for the wedding the wedding present--but I think this should have been brought up early on in the wedding planning, so that everyone was aware of this. Bringing it up now could be awkward.

The suggestions above are great--something with sentimental value would be perfect. Or an engraved silver frame for a wedding photo.

I agree with mtn that a wedding gift to one's daughter (or stepdaughter) is essential. It's not about what the couple "needs" or whether they have expensive taste, or how many showers they have had; it's an expression of affection, and a meaningful token to mark this important occasion, something that they will have, presumably, for years to come. Giving a small, meaningful gift as others have suggested would be gracious and civil. The omission of a gift under these circumstances would seem quite the opposite.

Perhaps this issue has become a bit of a struggle between you and the bride's mother, but if you can take her out of the equation, you may feel more pleasantly disposed.

I honestly can't remember if my parents gave me a separate wedding gift. I don't think they did. But they paid for most of the wedding, mom did the girls' dresses, her own dress, my wedding gown and did all the flowers. She also gave me gifts at each of the bridal showers, so what more could I expect? I was so appreciative and thankful for all that they did, that I wouldn't want or expect any more from them. The wedding was the gift.

I think the idea of a family heirloom to pass down is perfect, but I don't like the idea of anyone being "bullied" into giving a present. It should come from the heart, not a threat of family discord.

I would consider paying for the wedding as your gift to the bride and groom. But as others have said, a small item with sentimental value would go a long way to keeping family relations smooth.

The etiquette below may be helpful, but in looking for it, I also came across a lot of questions about the bride giving thank you gifts to the parents for all they do for the wedding which is a wonderful idea....

Here is a link that might be useful: Parent's wedding gift....

By the way, I do agree that the bride's mother is very rude! It is always, always inappropriate to imply that one's loved ones are entitled to a gift!

(edited typos)

This post was edited by mtnrdredux on Tue, Jun 18, 13 at 11:22

Ditto what Annie and Gray said!

tina

Also agree with graywings and annie but think that the bride's attitude is important too. Is she demanding, materialistic and whiny? Then I wouldn't get her anything else, if she is sweet and grateful, then yes, something sentimental.
So many variables but if your basic attitude is enough is enough, then you shouldn't feel at all pressured by any so called etiquette rules, which in my old fashioned book, doesn't call for living together for ten years then having a big wedding and multiple showers.

Yes do give a gift. DH's parents didn't give us a wedding gift. My parents paid for everything and whiole DH's parents did host the rehearsal dinner it was a small affair with only the wedding party and immediate families attending. However that was probably the norm 40 years ago.

I must admit that it bothered me for many, many years. I would have been happy with anything that marked the occasion. And it wasn't that they didn't care for me- I know they were quite happy we were a couple.

As others have suggested it isn't the monetary value of the gift that counts - it is the thought. I must admit that I find it difficult to imagine a scenario where 5 showers are necessary but things are done differently these day and I'm probably old fashioned.

Yes -- taking into "account" (for the financial reasons of wedding expenses) that a cash gift would indeed be unnecessary BUT for the sheer sake of family harmony -- do consider a family heirloom or perhaps a silver photo frame or even a gift of a special tree for their garden or landscape ....

My parents paid for my wedding, and I do believe they gave us a gift - although 26 years later, it isn't clear to me what it was!

To some people, gifts are not important. I think anyone who had 5 showers will put a great deal of importance on receiving a wedding gift from their parents.

I personally love crystal clocks as a wedding gift. Lenox & Waterford make beautiful ones, and they come in all different price points. It's a gift they can display in their home in a number of places and is a nice, classy choice.

My parents paid for my wedding, and I do believe they gave us a gift - although 26 years later, it isn't clear to me what it was!

To some people, gifts are not important. I think anyone who had 5 showers will put a great deal of importance on receiving a wedding gift from their parents.

I personally love crystal clocks as a wedding gift. Lenox & Waterford make beautiful ones, and they come in all different price points. It's a gift they can display in their home in a number of places and is a nice, classy choice.

Now I'm almost ashamed to say we had 5 showers and one "tea". That wasn't because we wanted gifts - although of course that is nice and we very much appreciated it - but we had people who truly wanted to give the showers. We both had lived in our same areas for years and had family and friends from both sides who wanted to give a shower. We had large families (extended) so there were showers from both sides. Plus a church shower, another shower given by friends my my mom, a personal shower given by my best friend and oops I counted wrong - 6 showers and a tea. The sixth shower was from where I worked. I had a wonderful boss and he had a wonderful wife who hosted a shower for me with my fellow employees.

My mom and my grandmother (and my MIL), came to every single shower other than my personal shower. My sister also came to most of the showers. They brought a gift to every shower they came to. Mom and dad gave bigger ticket items at the showers and also bought several items for our first home. Of course they also paid for the wedding, etc. There was no one "wedding gift".

tina

A lot of this is regional/cultural. No, I would not expect any additional gift if parents were paying for our wedding. To me, that is the "gift."

I agree on something small and sentimental.

Annie, that is a good link. Thank you. I also like the idea of a gift certificate to a nice local restaurant.

have you given the daughter several 'shower' gifts?? if you have, then i don't think another gift is necessary... perhaps just a small piece of jewelry or something just for the daughter... i wouldn't give a cash gift as parents of the bride if you've paid for the wedding...

the bride's mother's insistence is odd, but probably stems from family 'history'... a gift shouldn't be given because someone feels pressured to give one---if you think you've given enough, you probably have...

We are paying for our DDs wedding in May 2014- so excited!. I had thought to give a lovely meaningful heirloom as a gift, something that couldn't be purchased or come from anyone else.
Glad others have the same opinion.

My parents paid for my wedding and gave me my china, sterling and crystal. Of course, this was many years ago and we were not established in our own place. I think an heirloom gift of some sort would be lovely(is there anything you and her father have that she would treasure?), but I also think that the wedding itself is a gift and I would have thought that back in 1976 when I married.

We paid for dds wedding 2 yrs ago. Her wedding gift from us was Waterford champaign flutes. The wedding was expensive but I wanted her to have something that she could take out on anniversaries and other special occasions and remember that this was her wedding present from us.

I think they were only about $100 or so.

I think you should give them a gift.

I am sorry that it has taken me until know to reply. Thank you all for your thoughtful contributions. I love the idea of giving them something meaningful. Why didn't I think of that. There are a number of antique shops near us & I'm going to suggest to my husband that we look for a gift that will continue to mean something special to them in years to come. I'll come back to this thread to let you know what we find. To answer a couple of questions, the MOB has issues and made life difficult for a number of years & I'm not sure how much of this wedding is about what the couple wants or what MOB wants. I am trying to be supportive but only as involved as I am asked to be. The amount of money being spent on this wedding is concerning as we have 2 other children, 1 his & 1 mine, who will have weddings coming up in the next 2 years. This sets an expensive expectation for them or possibly some serious sibling resentment. Deep breath, one wedding at a time. Thank you all again for helping me with this.

My own parents hosted my "big white wedding", and gave DH & I a check to purchase bedroom furniture of our choice. MIL & FIL gave us a honeymoon for a wedding gift. This was 35 yrs ago, perhaps things are now done differently?

Despite that your DH is paying for his DD's wedding (assuming that it was his offer/agreement), I think that something thoughtful i.e., nice gift from you both is appropriate. The gift need not be over the top, just a nice family piece of silver or crystal, or alternatively, visit an antique shop and find something unique if you wish to give a small token-type gift.

Thinking that a meaningful gift will not only acknowledge the marriage (big deal to the couple), but will go a long way toward keeping a good relationship with your SD. If you don't, I think the bride & groom's feelings may be hurt, as a lack of any gift other than hosting the wedding seems a little cold... IIWM, I would find something meaningful to give, even if you have to give some sentimental family piece. It's the symbolism, not the amount of $ spent that matters most.

Be a good stepmother and take it upon yourself to suggest and then choose something that both you and your DH feel reflect your feelings toward your DH's daughter and her marriage. If money is tight with paying for the wedding reception, it isn't very difficult to find something that the bride will keep for years with a remembrance of your graciousness in acknowledging this milestone in her life.

Please take the ex-wife out of the equation, since I am getting the feeling that the gift idea by your SD's DM, may have caused your initial reaction of not giving a gift other than the actual wedding.

Congratulations on the marraige of your
SD, but do remember that this is your DH's daughter, and your actions at this time will definitely speak volumes.

oh, dear, that MOB sounds more like an SOB

I hear with you about the sibling issue. I have a sister, and both of us were given a budget of the same amount to use for a wedding. I think to do otherwise would be unfair, I agree.

A very timely question for me. My DD is getting married in 5 days!!! Aaaahhh!!!

OK, to the question. My DH and I, and my daughter's father and stepmother are paying for the wedding (50% each).

I have no idea what or if her father and stepmother will give the couple a gift. I think it would be incredibly rude to tell them, or have them tell me, that a gift is neccessary.

I have actually been thinking about this -- whether I will give them a gift -- for some time. At this point, I do not have a "wedding gift". However, I have been buying them things all along -- sentimental things for the wedding that can be used later, wedding jewelry, honeymoon jewelry, cufflinks (with special meaning) for the groom, etc. I gave many gifts at the shower. My DD keeps telling me to stop. She says I am paying for the wedding and that is more than enough. So, I do not feel obligated or that a gift is necessary. But, I keep looking. If I find something that I know they will love forever (and is in my budget), I will buy it. But, I am not stressing about it. I am stressing about enough right now!

I do have one more small gift to give her tomorrow when she comes home for the last minute preparations. My dad died last month and so unfotunately will not be there to see her walk down the aisle. I found a small silver locket that attaches to the bridal bouquet. I had it made with a picture of my dad and will give it to her tomorrow. So, even though he won't be there, he will still be with her when she walks down the aisle. And I'm giving it to her days before the wedding so we can get the tears out of the way and not mess up our makeup :-)

If you want the wedding to be your gift, I would have that conversation with the couple, STAT. I see nothing wrong with not giving an additional gift. My mother made my wedding cake as a gift. She was not a cake maker, borrowed the school's large oven and called in her friends to help. My three tiered cake was very special, if a tiny bit crooked.

I paid for my own wedding as did my four sisters. Parental money simply wasn't available. I gave my daughter a small wedding at home and a down for a house. Expensive weddings are a waste of money around here but once someone is living together before marriage, my wedding budget expires.

It's about the marriage, not the wedding. The best receptions are always the informal ones, with close friends and family. Music, good food we cooked ourselves and lots of dancing, wine and well wishing. We have the best weddings ever. The stuffy ones where money is flaunted tend to be boring. I've been to too many.

If you hang out on hot topics, I figured I could be honest. LOL.

jillinnj, what a sweet thought and gesture with the locket.

jiiinnj- That is so sweet. Your story almost made me cry. I hope you and your family have a great day for the wedding.

My parents have 4 daughters and we were all given a certain amount of money for our weddings. If we wanted anything beyond what their cheque covered we had to pay for it.

As far as a gift from our parents - I honestly don't remember and 30 years later it doesn't matter.

I really like the idea of buying something not on the gift registry and something unique that you choose specifically for them. When the children of friends get married I choose from the gift registry for both showers and weddings because I don't them all that well. For my nieces I have not used the registry and have instead chosen something specifically for them, taking their tastes and personalities and interests in mind.

Thanks, olychick and blfenton!

Beautiful gift, jillinnj.

Jill -- I'm tearing up at that! Lovely gesture.

I really wish there would be a like button.

I've read about 1/4 of the page; you got a lot of great feedback.

Sounds like her mother is a piece of work. The bride is very fortunate that you guys are kicking in as much as you are. If it was me; I wouldn't accept someone paying for my wedding & if they kicked in a nice chunk; I surely would not expect a gift.

I like the idea of something meaningful given but have to wonder if she will like it and her mother is probably going to whisper in her ear on how "cheap" it is compared to what's on her registry. Obviously I don't know the bride; but you never know what will "roll down the hill" from her mothers comments.

Good luck; please update this post after the wedding so we know how it went.