Have the party without inviting them and call it a cousin event.

But,why not plan to go to visit them for the weekend before your party and take them to dinner to celebrate your 28th anniversary?

They'll feel special and you won't feel guilty.

Why is it an anniversary party? Obviously, you never hold a party in your own honor, so is it for someone else? And anyway, how would the 'elders' find out what kind of party it is unless someone told them? Call it a cousin's get-together and don't worry about it.

That's a tough one. Will the cousins tell the families? Ask a silly question, huh?

Maybe you could talk to your husband and he could talk to his mother and ask her if she would mind missing this one time party. That you love her so, but he wants you to just enjoy the party without additional work. That you'll be in a tissy as it is. But he wants to take her out to a special dinner, really special. Just his favorite three girls, mother, aunt and wife, in that order.

....Jane

We'd tell our mom and I assume the cousins would tell their mom. Or our mom will certainly tell her sister. The thing is, at the Friday night wedding reception, all the cousins reminded us that it's our turn to have the next party... and it is. Everyone is busy over the summer and any later than mid Oct., DH will be in 7 day work mode (Xmas rush then into spring shows mode) until the end of January. January is not a great time to plan a party due to our weather and frequent loss of electricity, which also means no water. Plus the fall colors here are stunning.

There is no one who is going to throw us an anniversary party... DD's DH lost his job and while he managed to get a new one, it pays less and they have 5 kids (combined marriage). One son is in Houston and another is working and in school. He doesn't have the time, $$ or inkling. Aimee will certainly help (she is excited) but she can't contribute financially. This would certainly be strictly a 'no gift' party.

If having an anniversary party is inappropriate, maybe it will be a cousin retreat with a few of our friends thrown into the mix, on the week end that happens to fall on our anniversary.

Jane, as far as DH ever doing or saying something like that to her, that won't ever happen. She has created her relationships with her 3 boys, who all pull into her driveway with their cars in reverse. She drives them up the wall. They can take her for about 15 minutes at a time. I am her closest ally in the entire family and she can drive me crazy! (I am very good to her and the family always thanks me.) She is extremely needy, self absorbed and uninterested in anyone's life. She doesn't have conversations, she hijacks them and kills the conversation. This isn't new personality trait developed in her later years. This is who she has been forever.

Seriously, her grand daughter (son's daughter) got married Friday and while the maternal grandmother was escorted to her seat in the front row, my MIL was not escorted at all and sat with us in the second row. At the reception, MIL was not seated with the other grandmother, who sat at the the table with the parents of the bride. MIL was seated with us.

As much as I hate to admit it, she brought this treatment on herself. She has always complained that she has too many grandchildren, even after one died suddenly. When we told her she was going to get her second great grandchild, she immediately replied, "Well, I'll never get to see it." (They see her about 3 times a year and live close to us.) She comes across as bitter, first thing. She "forgot" to tell her own sister about the impending birth and she talks with her several times a day. Everyone was so surprised when my niece (her grand daughter) showed up at the wedding pregnant! (Grand daughter is 32, happily married. This is their first baby. It's a HUGE BIG deal to everyone else!!)

She is nothing like my mom, who stayed young, interested and involved until the day she died. My MIL never once held my babies. Never paid any attention to them at all, other than to suggest we give our oldest son back. Her sons are polite to her but that is it. She gives them gifts like old chocolate that is so old, it has turned white. Or an umbrella with her bank's logo on it. This is how she has always been. DD says she is reaping what she has sewn.

Me? I'd like one family event where she isn't attached to me like glue, spewing out insults (which I ignore) and listening to her complain that she is feeling helpless. Her favorite expression is "I feel so helpless... ," before saying something that just begs for praise. She takes up all my time when she is around.

I guess this is the first time *I'm* considering excluding her. Everyone else in the family seems to have no problem excluding her. I've always been the dutiful daughter in law. I just want to have a fun party without dealing with her constant annoying behavior.

So a "Cousin's Retreat" would be more appropriate?

It may not be the correct thing to do, but in these here parts, and among our friends, giving a celebratory party for ourselves is common. Obviously, no gifts are given or expected, but we just get together and rejoice in whatever good fortune or happy event we're celebrating.

Sometimes it's casual at someone's home and sometimes it's a tad more fancy at a restaurant or a hall or community center.

Golddust, after reading about your MIL, I'd sent the invitations and call it an Anniversary party and I would not include her in the festivities.

28 years together is a big deal! Plan away and enjoy!!!!

I don't know the right way to handle your delima, but I see nothing wrong with having a party to celebrate such a wonderful thing. Congrats on 28 years, that is wonderful!

"Obviously, you never hold a party in your own honor, so is it for someone else?" Wow, harsh comment.

Any event, personally, I think hosting an anniversary party or cousins' retreat to celebrate your 28 years of marriage is a lovely idea. No need to make explanations about your kids' financial ability/inability to host same. I would welcome any help/suggestions your kids can offer to make your party special. Whether they can contribute financially is of no issue IMHO. It is what it is.

As far as the elders, no need to make explanations with regard to that either. BTDT I think that you and your DH should invite those family members who will not detract from your most joyous celebration.

Happy Anniversary to you both!

Honestly I have no problem being inappropriate. My only issue is with the elders. Our family would have no problem with us throwing a party to celebrate our anniversary with everyone.

My MIL might love you, Les917! She is forever telling me what is or isn't done. Then she wore a very casual outfit to her grand daughter's wedding, even after I suggested she may want to buy a new dress for the formal occasion since she would be in the wedding photos. Even her 90 year old sister dressed up. If I would have picked her up for the wedding, I would have insisted she wear something else.

BTW, she managed to tell me that my pink heels really clashed with my navy dress. She said she was going to wear a shawl that was navy but it clashed so badly with her pink shirt, she ended up wearing a pilled white cable sweater. ... Whatever, mom. I don't even think she owns a navy shawl. Just busy being her passive aggressive self.

OT, but speaking of the wedding: No one wore nylons at the wedding except the three gals in their 80s. Mona, my Etsy purse was a hit with the younger set! Auntie Deby's purse was "Sooo vintage 60s cool..."

Golddust, you never doubted the purse would be spectacular, did you?

Goodness, your MIL sounds like she eats nothing but pickles...there ain't much that's sweet about her.

I apologize if my comment sounded harsh - it was not meant to be, but rather a statement of what I have always known to be acceptable social rules. If I hurt your feelings, Golddust, I am sorry - that was not my intent. Please forgive me.

The way I have always understood it is that it is not considered acceptable to throw a party in your own honor - because to some people (tho likely not among the guests you have described) it could be seen as asking for gifts.

Why not just have a cousins' party, and then part way through the evening, offer toasts to one another? You could even have a cake hidden away, perhaps the same flavor and filling of your wedding cake.

Don't misunderstand me - 28 years IS worthy of celebration. DH and I will be celebrating 25 this year. But I think it is something that you celebrate basically between yourselves. If someone else chooses to give a party in your honor, that is different - again, that is just how I learned it. If the custom in your area would be to do a party that way, go for it.

Whatever you decide, congratulations on 28 years of commitment, patience, and love. Happy Anniversary!

Thanks Mona, for your impeccable good taste! I even told several the story behind it. They cracked up about my "home decorating girlfriends." Since everyone here could even attest how little I post on the home decorating forum (I don't pay attention at all), it's the last place on the internet anyone who knows me well would think I would be hanging out. LOL! (Not that I don't like a nice house. I'm just veerrry me.)

As per my MIL, she calls me "Doll." She really does like me. I can (and do) say things to her no one else dares, but I never walk away and I'm the first to drop it. I'm pretty comfortable in my own shoes but I'm also respectful. ("Mom, are you meaning to be rude? Because if you aren't, you need to know that what you just said - sounded very rude.") Passive aggressive types do not function well with people who use direct communication.

As for my outfit clashing, I replied, "Mom, you really should subscribe to a good fashion magazine so you can stay more current. That way, you won't embarrass yourself by making comments about what people wear. If you don't know today's fashion, you really should refrain from making comments. I look great tonight! Your son can't keep his hands off of me. Can I get you a glass of water or anything?" She retreated immediately. "No thanks, Doll. Your dress is pretty." "Thank yoouuu!," I responded, as if she were being sincere.

Les, I 'know' you. Your apology is not necessary. Black and white print is a hard medium to communicate in. You weren't being mean spirited and I worried, after I hit send and thought about it) that I compared you to my MIL (you are nothing like her!). Please accept my apology for even implying that!

Well, you certainly might have thought I WAS like your MIL, the way my comment must have sounded! Thanks for understanding - and no apology necessary on your end, at all!

No, Les, SHE tops the cake. She has never been validated so she can not validate anyone else. She was the youngest of 4 girls who are nice people but mean sisters. Rosemarie didn't stand a chance with her personality. Recently her 91 year old sister told her that people thought she was much younger than Rosemarie.

She wasn't raised in a heathy environment and she never detached from her family. All the rules that applied when she was young still apply. Being the youngest, she was never credited for anything. To this day, her older sister denies her very youth. She has lived in a cut throat environment her entire life, except for her husband who died. He worshipped her.

It's complicated.

("Mom, are you meaning to be rude? Because if you aren't, you need to know that what you just said - sounded very rude.") Passive aggressive types do not function well with people who use direct communication.

Truer words were never spoken. I have your DMIL's twin sister, but I managed to figure this out early enough so as no to end up crazy.

"Passive aggressive types do not function well with people who use direct communication"

Apologies for a conversational hijack but...how DOES one communicate effectively with passive-aggressive people???!!

I'm dealing with this issue myself and having a very tough time. I am a pretty direct/straightforward person and I've got a couple of people very close to me who are textbook PA. If there is a better way of interacting than the one I usually experience I'd be eternally grateful for any helpful suggestions or thoughts.

Ann

Everyone else in the family seems to have no problem excluding her. I've always been the dutiful daughter in law. I just want to have a fun party without dealing with her constant annoying behavior.

Honestly, after reading all your above comments, I would have no problem whatsoever excluding her. And I wouldn't care one whit if she found out or not. Have your party, call it whatever you want, invite whomever you want and don't look back.

running - I've found that PA people react very differently when you call them on their behavior as it is happening. Not any type of scientific advice, personal experience only.

Golddust, my anniversary gift to you is a weekend without your MIL. Enjoy!!

I have her twin as my MIL and DH & I will be celebrating our 29th this year. I totally sympathize.

Our son, her first grandchild, is getting married next summer. I'm hoping she'll keep her passive aggressive crap to herself for one evening.

Thanks, dawn! If your MIL really is my MILs twin sister, don't count on a PA free evening. Her oldest grandchild was married last October (here). She was refusing to wear a dress because "people there don't dress up like we do down here. I'd be the only one wearing a dress." I told her I wouldn't drive her to the wedding if she wasn't dressed appropriate. She finally agreed to wear a dress. I didn't miss the opportunity to point out how dressed up *everyone* was at the reception. "Aren't you glad you dressed up, Mom? Weddings are weddings. Everyone always dresses up."

The food was catered but served buffet style. She still calls it a potluck. "No one down here has potlucks at weddings." Well, her second grandchild's wedding on Friday was also a buffet and her wedding was "down here."

I don't know how many MILs could beat mine. Luckily she isn't very smart. If you are going to be passive aggressive, there should be a rule that you also have to be dumb. Makes it so much easier to deal with her. I find myself treating her like she is a client.