IMHO you have every right to be offended, I would be too because that's the perfect example of male chauvinism. It's a good thing you found out before hiring him, I can only imagine how that would have gone. I've had guys like that come to give quotes for work before, and the first time they ask about my husband, I tell them flat out, I'm handling this and he won't be involved.

It's ridiculously presumptious for a company to assume they'll be doing business with "the man of the house." It is archaic, it is not the norm, and I personally wouldn't do business with anyone who didn't have the common sense to respond directly to me if I were the one who initiated contact with them. Good grief - it isn't 1947 anymore. And thank goodness for that.

That kind of thing annoys me, too. I don't know if it is generational or just plain sexist.

The university from which I got my degree sends alumni donation requests to "Kaycee Smith c/o Fred Smith." My husband didn't even go to that school. I guess they're assuming that I'll never make enough with the degree they bestowed on me to be a donor.

I sent them a note and asked if mail to their male graduates is addressed in care of their wives. The mail now comes addressed Kaycee AND Fred Smith.

Do you think it could be as innocent as an office assistant taking the info and addressing the correspondence incorrectly?

Btw, I open most of dh's mail, unless it's obviously personal. I pay all the bills and take care of all the insurance. Works for us.

I open my mail, DH opens his. I'd be a bit irked by this. I can't imagine a business doing this.

I was laughing as you were explaining about the mail because we do the same thing. I open mine & he opens his. I have enough to do in this house; I don't need to open his mail. I do throw out obvious junk but if I'm not sure I leave it for him to sift through.

Anyway, yes I would be offended; especially if it was me who made the call. Normally they ask your name & address & if you gave it to them & they still addressed it to Mr or his 1st name I'd be upset & probably wouldn't use them unless they were highly rated; then I would give them a review on google maps to give them something to think about.

Yes, I'd be offended. DH has been driving *my* old car for years as a commuter car, but the registration (even in the new state) is in *my* name. He hit a pothole, blew a tire, and broke a stud getting the wheel off. *I* took it in to the tire place my dad uses to get 2 new tires and the stud replaced (please no jokes). The guy at the desk said they mounted the tire but the stud was harder to replace than they thought, would cost more, so "go home on the spare and have your husband call us tomorrow, you can bring it back in if he still wants us to do it" b/c I was complaining that they had given me a price over the phone and it was less than my usual tire place, if I had known I would have taken it somewhere else.

So I got on my cell, called my "mechanic" (Dad), he said he could get the stud out and replace it, so I took the tire they mounted and left, gave them a piece of my mind before I did. My dad even told my uncle he wasn't happy with the way I was treated.

At least all the subs who worked on our house knew that *I* was the GC, not DH.

At the VERY least, if they clearly understood that there is a Mr Lyfia (you could be a single/mom/homeowner for all they know!), they should have addressed it to Mr & Mrs as a way of including both parties potentially responsible for reviewing the bid and making a decision.

I'd be miffed, too.

How does the phone company have your names listed in your phone book? Is it possible the secretary just looked up the last name and addressed the envelope however the listing appeared?

It wasn't from the phone book - lyfia said that they specifically asked for her husband's name.

I think it is archaic and not common (at least in my area). I think that I would call them and tell them that since you didn't receive their quote you went ahead with another company. (provided you don't want to do business with this company)

Yes, I would find it insulting. The building trade profession lags the culture by decades. Look at how few women are in the various building trades, and look at the high percentage of smokers and tobacco chewers.

It's definitely archaic. However, I wouldn't dwell on it because I doubt they consciously made a decision to insult a potential client and not get your business.

If you decide to pursue anything with this company, I'would suggest asking them to change the contact name and billing name to your name.

A couple of years back, I dragged my DH with me when I started car shopping. We were at the local Toyota dealer, a salesman approached us, I did the talking - telling him what I wanted. Hubbie stood there silently. Within about 1 minute, the salesman kept speaking to and looking directly at DH. I asked questions, DH got the answers. Once I figured out the pattern, my next question was "Why do you keep talking to my husband? I'm the one buying the car. I'm the one who will make the decision. I'm the one with the money". From that point on, I was part of the conversation again.

No, I didn't buy a car there.

In your case, they can't read your mind and for that reason, I'd not hold it against them at this point.

Somewhat of a tangent but I've bought every car we have owned since we got married. Granted, that is only 4 cars in 25 years but hey, we're thrifty that way. The first one I bought while 8 months pregnant, and as I recall after a few minutes of the salesman looking over at my husband he told the guy 'she's the one you need to discuss this with, I'm just here with her.' Next time I did it all online, and just brought husband with me to sign paperwork. Third car I dispensed with him altogether :). Actually, he was out in the boat with the kids so I bought a truck for him and brought it rolling in as he cleaned up at the end of the day. And last July my husband didn't even know I was car shopping. I took my daughter and a friend of hers who was visiting us, and by the end of the session my daughter told me she never knew anyone could negotiate like that and the salesman told both girls 'your mother has SKILLS, mon' (he was from Jamaica).

I manage our household spending and make the buying decisions for everything related to the house, except for auto maintenance and yard work. And if anything needs to be adjusted or returned even for those purchases I handle that too; my husband gets nervous. So if something is to be bought, a vendor will be dealing with me. Or he won't be getting our business.

Ann

Of course I'd be offended!

Question is, are you so offended that you wouldn't consider hiring them? If they seemed qualified, their bid was otherwise OK, and getting another bid would inconvenience you, I'd let them know they almost didn't get the work because of that stupid mistake. (Might not hurt to let them know what you do for a living...)

Not this last time, but the time before that, I was 'handled' at the dealership by a man who kept wanting me to bring my husband in. Very annoying -- and since they didn't have the exact model I wanted (due in their next shipment), I just left. I went back a few days later on my lunch break because their shipment had come in and they had the exact car I wanted. Jim-Bob comes running back and asks where Hubby was, but I told him I'd prefer to work with a salesperson who was comfortable working with a woman client. (Come to think of it, I was very pregnant also.) Anyway -- a few minutes later, I bought the car from a very helpful female salesperson. We were writing up the paperwork in her office and I realized I had forgotten my cell phone and asked to use the phone on her desk. "Hello Hubby? Guess what? I just bought a car --" (We had discussed it and were planning to buy together that weekend.) Jim-Bob would have died!

Well, IMO, if it is run by an "archaic" company, I bet they do thing the good old fashion way-LOL! With the way most companies are run today, it could be refreshing dealing with people that have some of the values and work ethic companies use to have. Anyway, that was some of our experience building homes. Just another point of view, doesn't mean it is right though. But, if they are good, I wouldn't hold that against them.

I really appreciate the responses I feel much better just getting my feelings validated instead of stewing about it.

Also thanks for sharing your own info/stories. I'm the one that handle all the bills/financial stuff too. DH gives his input for major stuff, but tend to just defer to me on most.

I don't know if I'll used them or not though. I'm guessing I'll have to start all over since I dropped the ball on continuing to get bids. I didn't have a direct referral to them, but more a friend who gave me names of companies she'd heard from others were good and I started with this company from the list. I was going to check references no matter what.

If it hadn't gone so long I probably would have called them and asked where they'd sent my proposal as I hadn't received it. It is possible the office staff wrote it to DH, however when I set up the appointment they took all my info and didn't ask about DH. At the very least - like somebody mentioned - they could have addressed it to us both.

The car stuff is really funny as I have co-workers (guys) that tend to come and ask me mechanical questions. I used to (no time anymore) do all the work on my own car and truck and DH and I met racing.

I can't believe some still do the talking down to women in the car business. You'd think they'd have learned by now.

If they had asked me for my husband's name, I would have asked, "Why?" I'm not sure what you mean by a "generational thing" since I came of age in the 60s (along with the rise of feminism). At 58, I would be quite insulted if someone did that to me. Luckily, that does not seem to happen around here. I would definitely call them and have them change their records and address any further correspondence to you.

This reminds me of the time I wanted to get a quote on new windows. The company told me that they needed both DH and I there. I explained that DH was not going to be part of this and they kept insisting. Finally I flat out told them that it was MY money I was going to spend, and since they really didn't seem to want MY money, but my husbands, they didn't need to come out.

I've had the same thing happen when buying a car, but the last one I bought (my own personal truck) was not a problem. A few months earlier I'd gone with DD to buy her a car, and we had a woman salesperson who was just great...no condenscending at all...but I did notice that the male salesmen called her over to help us.

I wouldn't hire that guy. He completely disrespected you when he asked for your DH's name so he could send him the bid to him instead of you. If he can disrespect you before he's even hired, I'd be concerned about how easy he'd be to work with on the job. There have been so many women in the Kitchen Forum who have experienced real problems with some of the tradesmen on their renovations just because they didn't like dealing with a woman. Hard to believe people can be that way, but true.

I wouldn't hire that guy. He completely disrespected you by asking for your DH's name so he could send the bid to him instead of you. If he can disrespect you before he's even hired, I'd be concerned about how easy he'd be to work with on the job. There have been so many women in the Kitchen Forum who have experienced real problems with some of the tradesmen just because they didn't like dealing with a woman. Hard to believe people can be that way, but true.

I'm used to building trades asking for both names, and was told by one it's because they assume we're both on the house title. I guess it makes it easier for them if they have to file a lien on a property when they haven't been paid. Mail from these companies has always come addressed to both of us. I open & "process" all mail, pay the bills, etc., so I would have seen your quote but would have been irked that it was addressed that way. However, if the personal interaction was respectful, I'd still do business with the company if I'd already determined they were the best for the job.

BTW, for the hvac work, you may want to check with the equipment manufacturer to see if they have any special certifications for dealers who've undergone extra training. That's how I found the hvac guy we've used on our last three houses. The original hvac sub was an idiot, and dishonest to boot, so I tried two other companies to get the system configured properly before I found the current one via the manufacturer. Good luck!

Don't do business with this rude company, but do call them, as, for the manager, and complain to customer service that they've never sent you quote after 3 months, that you preferred them but had to go with another contractor, but why haven't they responded to your request for proposal? They'll probably look into it an see they sent something to your husband and ask "didn't you look at that?" Say no, I sent the proposal, he has nothing to do with it and probably though it was junk mail. Hang up soon.

Call back to the same guy later and let them know they were the low bidder or offered the most attractive terms and you would have gone with them had they only responded to the person who sent it. They'll get the message.

I know a real-estate agent who lost about $34,000 in commissions all because she used antique realtor jargon instead of plain English, causing the first-time homebuyers to erroneously believe that house was in a restricted HOA duristiction or zoned area when it wasn't. They paid thousands more for a house they didn't like as much as a result, and were furious at the realtor as a result for misleading them.

Recently when I went in to upgrade our cell phones & plan, they had to talk to my DH since the account was in his name. I said "is it 1953 in here?". They said can you call him & we'll get his okay over the phone? Sure, but how do you know I'll really called him and not someone else who will just claim to be him? I didn't force the issue because I did have to call DH about which phone he wanted. I handed the 22 yo clerk the phone & said here's my DH, or maybe not, you can get "his" permission now.

Recently when I went in to upgrade our cell phones & plan, they had to talk to my DH since the account was in his name.

That's perfectly understandable since the account is in his name. Our cell phones are in my name, and if I didn't add my DH as an authorized person on the account they wouldn't talk to him.

I opened our phone account in DH's name, then called to make a change to our long distance service, I can't, I'm not on the account, DH has to add me. ????

DH took a starter to 2 places to have it checked, both places said it was bad, get a new one. "I" took it to the instructor who teaches mechanics @ the college. He said it was good. He said, "I was only told it was bad because I was a woman.....?????" (DH took it in, not me.....did he miss that part?)

I say WOW! and just go on with my life.

When we were remodeling the kitchen, I ended up interviewing almost a dozen GCs for several reasons. Every one of them who did the "husband" bit were scratched off the list immediately. The GC I finally hired talked directly to me even though DH was standing right there. He got it. I was the one (every time) who did all the talking and explaining and questioning. It was clear I was in charge of the project.

Car buying the same thing. We always go together but I'm the negotiator - DH doesn't really know how. The last few cars we've bought, they've had the good sense to talk to BOTH of us which is really the right way to do it.

IMO, it's not just antiquated to talk to the man only, it's bad business. I bet if you ask the top salesperson at any car dealership, they'll tell you the sell to anyone who walks in the door and don't care about sex, race, clothing or any other difference. It's smarter.

Personally I wouldn't give these people my business and at this point I wouldn't bother to call them back either. If they called me I'd probably tell them the story as you told us. They addressed the quote to your DH, he never opened it thinking it was junk mail, and by the time you found it, you'd way moved on. Why play games and hint around? I'd just come right out and say, you lost my business by leaving my name off the quote. End of story.

DH opened the Lowes account when *we* went to buy a fridge when ours died. I'm an authorized user but can't make changes. I'm not sure about the Sears card, since *I* opened that when buying appliances (by myself) for the new house, but it's in his name since they had to call him for income verification since I didn't have any earned income.

Ya'll should really know this post helped me not to dwell on it anymore.

I will have to see what I can come up with in terms of other companies. Still need to get around to doing something about it. We do have a limit of companies to choose from so I can't unfortunately be too picky unless I can talk somebody in to travel from a town 30 miles away.

Since DH wasn't there he was forced to talk to me, and I didn't necessarily get the feeling he was asking for my husbands name the way others have mentioned here or talking down to me - it was more in passing in a conversation, but I did see him write it down, but at that point didn't get the odd feeling like many of you have described. Those feelings described here has brought back a few of those incidents in my memory and I do think this one was much more subtle than those were.

I definetly don't want to be working with somebody who can't work with me as if they try to get something from DH he'll just go "talk to my wife" or he'll come to me and go why are they asking me this stuff.

I still think it could have been an honest mistake by whomever prepared and mailed the quote. Don't quite get all the outrage some here have expressed.

Yeah, it could have been an honest mistake. The trouble is, that there just are a lot of folks who haven't gotten past the 50s and 60s mentality that the man makes all the decisions, especially financial ones. So when this happens, it's not so easy to give the benefit of the doubt.

I do agree that most people have figured it out. I don't run across it nearly as much as I did say, 20 years ago. But it's still out there. And as someone who has been talked down to and ignored and insulted, it can be hard to see past that when this sort of thing happens.

If your husband had asked for the quote, and the company addressed the quote to "His wife" - would he be offended??? And how would you view the company in that circumstance?
To answer you original question - yes, I would be offended and yes I would have a difficult time working with that contractor - until I got it straight who he is to respond to and determine if he is able to show you the respect that you deserve. But, that is only if I wanted to work with him.

Yeah, it could have been an honest mistake. The trouble is, that there just are a lot of folks who haven't gotten past the 50s and 60s mentality that the man makes all the decisions, especially financial ones. So when this happens, it's not so easy to give the benefit of the doubt.

Exactly. I regularly speak with a law enforcement official on the phone in the course of my job, who calls me "honey." I recently had jury duty, and listened as a magistrate judge told a young woman in the jury pool as he was granting her dismissal to attend an out-of-town job interview, "Do your best. Be your prettiest." When you routinely hear comments that reveal either an ignorance or an antiquated mindset, it's hard not to be outraged.

The one that offends me the most is when an older man in a professional position refers to a younger woman in a lower-ranking position as a 'girl'. For some reason, that one just burns me up! I really have to bit my tongue to not reply something to the effect of "Since the work is important, shouldn't we have adults doing it?"

LOL - that would've been the perfect response, Sweeby! I can even recall a time or two that I've heard a man in a "lesser" position referred to as a boy (i.e., an executive referring to a man working in the mailroom). Maybe this kind of thing does stem from ignorance, but I still find that is no excuse. Not in this day and age.

It took my grandma a few years to stop addressing cards to me as Mrs. David E. I would send them back. When she called, I told her she has always called me Meghan before I got married, I didn't change my first name to David, I only changed my last name (mostly so it wouldn't be the same as my dead-beat sperm donor) and could she PLEASE not use the title MRS as it makes me feel old (I got married at 20 and did not and still don't think of myself as a MRS). After all, he isn't Mr. Meghan E.

On the very few occasions that a telemarketer calls and asks for Mrs. E I tell them that is my MIL and she doesn't live here and hang up. I go my Ms. or Dr. I don't talk to unsolicited callers and if they don't know enough to call me by my preferred title, I don't know them enough to talk to them.

And yes, since YOU were the one who initialized the contact I would be VERY insulted that the quote was not addressed to me. I would call them and tell them that their serious disrespect has made me look for a new company to deal with.

I was on the phone with a client who repeatedly called me Honey. I gave him once as a slip-up, but the second time I interrupted him with "That's DOCTOR Honey to you, sir." He was very respectful after that. They never call my boss anything other than Dr. G, and I demand and deserve the same respect.

It took my grandma a few years to stop addressing cards to me as Mrs. David E. I would send them back.

You couldn't even cut your poor grandmother some slack?