Whatever you do/say to her, don't lie. You have to live with yourself and YOUR family and plan for your futures. And, remember, the debt problems are HERS and not yours!

How about something like this?

"Mom, We simply can't afford it. We are building our own emergency fund, we have started saving for the kids education and we are trying to set aside some money to fix up our house. We are tapped out. And our financial situation is even tighter because of the cost of last month's plane tickets for brother's wedding. Although we both have our jobs today, neither of us is certain that we won't be laid off soon. You know how bad the economy is and it seems like things are only getting worse. Our bottom line is that we have no available money to spend on either ourselves or on anyone else.

I'll be happy to help you pursue any other ideas you come up with to gather the money for bankruptcy. But you'll have to be the one to come up with the ideas."

Yes, your mom took care of you as a kid and she helped you out when you were a young adult. On the flip side, you have also helped her out up til now. But you sure sound to me like you are being driven by guilt....I have to ask, though, guilt for what? If you want to change your relationship with her, you are going to have to put yourself and your husband/kids first. Stand up for yourself. By suggesting that you'll help your mom with any ideas SHE comes up with, you are showing that you care about her but that the solution is up to her and not you. That isn't turning your back on her at all.

I've learned in life that the only one I can control is myself. And in controlling my behavior, I have to be true to myself and I have to be able to live in my own skin. Your mom won't listen - that's not you. Your mom hasn't taken responsibility - that's not you. If you are able to put your family first, your own children will be getting some good life lessons (assuming you do this going forward in appropriate situations). No, it's not easy. But by not lying and by letting her find the solutions, you will be doing alot to help her. Bailing her out will just be one event before the next time she comes asking.

Are you worth standing up for yourself?

Your mother has absolutely no incentive to help herself. She cries and you come running to bail her out. Why should she learn to be responsible when you continually run to the rescue all the while neglecting your own family?

Tough love - just say no. You don't need any excuses - just say you need to look out for your family's finances.

You have been an enabler.

I wish you and your loved ones well. It is not going to be a smooth road for any of you.

Sue

Here is a link that might be useful: There are all kinds of enablers

Yes, you really can turn your back on your mother. And what do you do when she won't listen - you stop talking.

I get the feeling that you already know what needs to be done, but nothing anyone says will make it easier. All you can do is reach out for support from friends or other family members who are sympathetic to your plight. It will help a little.

Your responsibilities are for your children and husband. Do not let your mother interfere with that.

I have had similar circumstances with family members. All I can tell you is that it's never easy, but fortunately, sometimes things change for the better.

I agree w/ the message other people are saying but your mom isn't asking for something frivolous. She is asking for money for a bankruptcy attorney. (Granted she is asking for that money because she spent her money on other frivolous things.) I would lend her the money for the bankruptcy attorney (let her know that it is a loan and also talk to the attorney and understand what she is getting for $2,000. It seems a little on the high side to me. And you want to make sure that she isn't being taken by a scam.) Then review her finances and make sure she has a plan for how to sustain herself. Does she have a house that needs to be sold? Can she afford rent? Would she have to go to government housing?

Plus once you lend her the money you can keep telling her that you won't lend her any more money because she hasn't paid you back from the last time. This is a way to stop future expenses. My parents did this on a much smaller scale w/ my aunt. She doesn't call anymore because my parents keep asking for the money back that they gave her last time (which was only about $40 or so).

Don't wait for the situation to get so bad that she has no recourse and wants to move in with you. You don't want to make a choice between your mom living on the street and your mom living w/ you.

I would not help her. She got into this mess by herself and she needs to learn to control her spending. Yes, she took care of you when you were young, but that was her job. You have to take care of your children.

If you feel you must help her, acknowledge that this will be a gift. She won't pay you back. You know that. Don't fool yourself to think she will return your money. I do like Chrisdoc's suggestion about not lending her money because she hasn't paid back previous loans.

If you do help her, make the check to the lawyer. In fact, I would call the lawyer to ask what their rates are. If you give her the money, what is going to keep her from spending it on something else.

You wouldn't give her a drink if she was an alcoholic, so why give her money with her out of control spending habits. You are throwing good money after bad.

The simple answer is...
giving her money is not helping her.
Making her be responsible for herself is the way to help her.
You giving her money is your act of IRRESPONSIBILITY.
Stop the cycle.

I'm no expert so I cannot offer true insight. I can only tell you what I would do if I was in your shoes. I would sit down with my spouse and work over the household finances and determine an amount of cash that you could afford to waste by giving it away. And then I would call my mom and explain to her that you just don't have the money to pay her all that she asked for and give her the amount that you can justify. By giving her something you won't feel like you've abandoned her completely and by not giving her thousands of dollars you aren't being that big of an enabler. She might understand better if she got something instead of nothing. You don't need to explain your entire financial plan to her, just bawl your eyes out while to tell her you just don't have the money.

She's your mother. She needs help. She may NEVER get herself out of this mess. However much time she has left on this planet do you want to spend it in conflict over money??

Set limits. Appear to help her even though you aren't. Don't turn your back on her.

Being someone that lost his mother last year I wish mine would call and ask for anything.

I wouldn't give her any money, for any reason. If you give her money, all she'll learn is that she can always run to you for help. It sounds cold-hearted, but you have to take a stand.

My mother married a man (her 3rd husband) who was a drunkard and a spendthrift. He ruined her credit, and they spent, spent, spent on...stuff. Motorhomes, expensive cars, ATVs, and a whole bunch of other junk they didn't need. And my mother begged my older siblings (I was still a child at the time) for money at the time to pay for it all. And some of them were foolish enough to give it to her. One of my sisters shelled out something close to $30k to her over a handful of years...money that she'll never see again. My mother has since divorced the man in question, and declared bankruptcy at one point, but she'll never pay any of my siblings back. She's since married another loser of a man, and living the same kind of lifestyle; my siblings have wised up, though, and don't give her any money!

When someone like that comes around with their hand out, and you give them money, you have to do it with two expectations: 1) that you'll never get repaid, and 2) that you'll almost assuredly be asked for more. Don't give them any money unless you can deal with that.

She came up with $$ to pay for a wedding even though she was begging me for money before that.

How much does it cost to get married at the courthouse by the Justice of the Peace? Or did she have to have a wedding?

Mom has antiques but wants you to buy her plane tickets and give her money for a bankruptcy attorney.

No way. Let her use her own assets to pay for her choices.

"To keep things short, she's in massive debt and wants me to bail her out yet again. She's made very bad choices in the past and when I talk to her about it she gets mad and hangs up on me. "

I would find it difficult to want to 'help' someone who hangs up the phone on me when I don't give them what they want.

You have two young children and say you don't have a lot of savings. Who does mom think you are supposed to go to if you and your DH get into financial trouble?

Show mom what a good job she did of raising you by continuing to practice fiscal responsibility, and NOT go into debt by subsidizing OTHER people's poor financial choices.

Frankly, it wouldn't surprise me if your mom's DH is behind some of these requests.....

I would agree that you are at a point in your life where it is ok to change the rules of the relationship with your mother. When your mother solicited funds from you that changed the rules. I would be very leary of becoming the bank of last resort for your family. One strategy that helped my (ex)wife deal with constant $ requests from her family was to defer the decision to me or at least bring me into the loop. While her parents would try to guilt and pressure her in to charity. She quickly learned to defer to me and ask her family to explain to me why they needed to borrow money from the both of US. This controlled the requests until we divorced and they returned to their parasitic ways.

good luck