Maybe a reminder next year....

Will this year's lack of food be a reminder next year?

Carmen, While we had way too much food again, I am having a similar problem I keep reinforcing "finger food". This is so I can better accommodate 40+ guests with utensils, plates, and comfortable eating space. WHY then do I get whole cakes, pies, and salads?? These contributions go untouched and I feel bad for the family members who made an effort to prepare (or drop by the store on the way here) something.

My other grip is when they bring their contributions on huge commercial platters that take up all the buffet area. I probably have every serving piece that one could use but I don't want to put down the guest by moving their food to a vertical or more compact serving piece, especially when it's a festive throw away serving platter. I have a guest who ALWAYS brings grape jelly meatballs--Okay. But why does she have to bring them in a 22 qt electric roaster pan that's the size of a Volkswagen? I arrange a beautifully decorated buffet. I place empty coordinated serving pieces on different levels around the table so the guests can utilize these pieces. It would be different if the guest list was different every Christmas Eve, but it's the same guests year after year. So they should know the setup and the expectations.

Okay, I've vented. On the other hand, these are really wonderful people (DH's family) so I'll get over.

When our "children" have become adults, I think it is only correct that they help to provide in the holiday feasts, as they are able. This year I asked one son to bring cheese and crackers to have before our meal and the other son to please bring a selection of beer. They didn't disappoint me either. I just felt it was time for them to contribute.

Maybe things would fare better if you gave them a specific food or dish to bring, i.e. "please bring a cooked au gratin potato casserole" instead of their choosing to bring a whole pie?

That's why I cook all the Christmas munchies myself!
She or he who cooks has control! (remember the thread about the stuffing and gravy???)
If you want them to contribute, say things like will you please bring a baggie of cut up carrots, celery and broccoli, and will you please bring 2 pounds of cheese, not cut up and not in prewrapped slices?
And Cathy....the chick with the Volkswagon sized hot pot....put it in the garage and place some of the meatballs in your own lovely chafer or candle warmed dish.
And when those who have brought a whole un eaten cake leave.....send the cake with them....smiling all the way, of course!!
Linda C

As an oldest child and born manager, I make sure things happen that I want to happen, LOL. Next year, call each young-un in advance and tell them what kind of dish to bring, and call them once or twice again to make sure they are doing it.

Manage often times = nag, LOL!

Carmen,
I've got a suggestion. A few weeks before the holiday email everybody a joint email that says: I need 1 hot appetizer, 1 cold appetizer, 2 cheese appetizers.... etc and then ask who wants to do what.

A week before email everybody again and report who got back to you and who didn't and who is bringing what. Peer pressure when they see that Sibling A is bringing cheese and Sibling B didn't bother to sign up for anything is a wonderful thing. And when Sibling C doesn't show up with the meatballs that he/she promised then EVERYBODY will know about it!!!

Grace

Well, I'm a youngest child but I am still pretty bossy. I tell everybody what to bring but if they want to bring other things TOO that is okay. Then hope that my dils don't hate me. It works pretty well.

Our menu is the same each Christmas Eve. I have the gathering and on invites when people say what can I bring? I remind them of the menu and give them a choice.

Well, I am the only child so I guess I don't expect people to bring anythiing unless they ask first and I just leave it open to them but, I do expect them to bring it in a serving dish, as I would do. I always think that the hostess may have all her peices occupied already and she does not need to clean one more from me. I bring mine in a dish/plate/casserol ane wash it myself at the end of the evening too.

Tell them the menu, ask that they bring it in a certian type of dish or none as you will provide one, and rejoice at the gift. And tell them to bring containers for take home leftovers!

Lately, our close group has even taken to bringing our own leftover takehome containers. We now tell each other to bring some in advance. Sure helps with clean up as each grabs what they would like and saves on fridge space afterword. I went home with a trukey dinner last night after scooping my own and the hostess was thrilled, as I washed up her platters and bowls.

If they don't bring, there are no leftovers to grab!

Boy can I relate!

My inlaws always tell us what to bring. And we gladly do it. No matter what they ask us to bring, no problemo.

Thanksgiving 2007 - my turn to host. So I planned out my menu (traditional) and asked one SIL to bring her famous anitpasto salad for an appetizer and the other SIL who was dieting, to bring a fresh fruit salad.

First phone call from SIL #1. Antipasto is too expensive, can I bring something else? I say don't wrry about bringing anything, I'll take care of it.

Second phone call from SIL #2. I dont do a good fruit salad can I bring something else? Ummmm you cut up fruit and throw it in a bowl? I wasn't even going to have any fruit but I thought since she was dieting, it would be a good thing for her to have on the table.

If a hostess asked me to bring something, and I saw how extensive her menu was and all *she* was already doing, there's no way in YOUKNOWWHERE I'd ask to not bring what she asked.

That's just me.

OH had a BBQ one time. Several of the neighbors. One gal said she'd bring baked beans. Great! She showed up with two large cans of Bushes Baked Beans in a grocery bag and handed me the bag as she walked in. Well, I guess she kept her word - she *brought* the beans.

Did I ever show you the Fresh Fruit and Fruit Dip one gal brought over here for a brunch I hosted?

LindaC has the best idea - just do it yourself and there will be no problems.

And I hate it when a guest brings something in her own container ande xpects you to use that.
I remember once a member of our dinner club's daughter was getting married and we wanted to throw her a shower....a big shower 25 to 30 couples, a couples shower with a group gift.....at my house.
We planned the menu and the "theme". Her colors were black and white, which makes it hard for table decorations...we decided to do all white, silver and glass with black napkins, white flowers with black ribbins or something on a mirror etc.
Well one woman wanted to bring the main dish meat and rice casserole in an orange Dansk pan....and I throw a fit....and she said one orange pan won't ruin the decorations....
Anyhow it was a huge fiasco....she insisted on making it all in one pan...she found a very large tan pottery dish and brought this casserole for 50, ice cold, made that morning, nicely decorated with slivered almonds on top, needing to be heated "until bubbley"! Well the casserole was getting dry on the edges and still cold in the center....and the casserole was getting crispy on the edges but still cold with raw celery in the center. And the "cocktail hour" carried on.....and finally I sturred the casserole because it was still cold in the center....and now it looked like dog food!
Anyhow the groom and his father had to be helped out the door, 1/2 the casserole was leftover because not only did it look bad but was dry bith still raw celery pieces.
All that because I didn't do what I should have done and re portion that stuff into plain glass casseroles.
Yep....first born!....and a Leo! LOL!
Linda C

Hmmmm.

We just had the first Christmas Eve family pot luck ever in our history, I've been cooking dinner for 40 or so for over 30 years.

I brought ham and dinner rolls and pumpkin roll. My sister provided a turkey and stuffing. Stepmom did mashed potatoes, Mother brought pumpkin and peach pies. Everyone was asked to bring something but not everyone did, and I didn't tell anyone what to bring.

My niece brought a taco salad, another brought a container of homemade fudge and hard candy and another brought a green bean casserole. Amanda brought candied sweet potatoes and a nephew brought his own homemade venison sausage with cheese and crackers.

Ashley was supposed to make a salad, she didn't. Another nephew was supposed to bring something for the kids to drink. He didn't. My brother was supposed to bring paper plates and plastic utensils and he didn't even show up!

It all worked out anyway. Santa/Elery came and handed out candy, Amanda scrounged up a couple of packages of Koolaid, I ran the 5 miles into town and bought plates, utensils and coffee.

I guess I'm just more relaxed because I did it myself for so long that it's great to have anyone bring anything!

Besides, it's Christmas. I don't really give a darn what we're eating, I just want to spend the time with people I love after a really difficult year. On Christmas Day Elery and I made cioppino, which is what WE really wanted, LOL. I can always cook for myself, but I can't always have time with my extended family and friends.

Annie

Peppi and Shuan - I can relate and Shaun I remember that picture! lol

A few years ago everyone in the family (other side) decided everyone should chip in and bring a dish instead of the burden always being on one person. Since it was my year to host I asked for suggestions and delegated categories - like please bring an entree - what would you like to make? BIL and wife offered Lasagna and later changed to ziti. Great! I was counting on that dish.

My kitchen is not huge and is open to the dining room. It is important to me to get everything done in advance and clean the kitchen so I can entertain in the same area (shaped like an L). So, of course, that morning I must have cleaned and miracle clothed (new verb) those counters 100 times:)! Had everything ready to go in dishes that were designated, etc.

Same BIL and wife show up with antipasti....in probably 20 tiny deli containers. They plop everything down and immediately start asking for platters, bowls, slotted spoons, serving forks, you name it! No mention of the ziti. They went on and on about how much it cost and where they got it from - that we had to use their Italian bread and did you have a board and knife (already had my bread on it and ready to go...I wanted to stab them with one of the serving forks:) Did I mention it was the year I quit smoking? In-laws were also staying with us from FL. I picked a bad year to quit smoking - LOL. Did I mention that I also made antipasti for an appetizer?

Sigh. I had oily bags and containers everywhere. My antipasti stayed in the downstairs fridge and I had no ziti for the kids.

I didn't know that night but they had packed up what they brought (back in their little containers) and took it home with them.

I'm much like Annie on this one. Pretty relaxed.

I do plan decor, meals, dishes, serving pieces, floral arrangements, etc. when we entertain. But, if somebody shows up with food, flowers, wine, etc. that I wasn't expecting (or different from what I was expecting), I just go with flow & change my plans to whatever is necessary to make my guests' contributions an integral part of our meal. Afterall, how would they possibly know that I might be obsessing over color coordinating the table?

I always over-prepare food just in case somebody shows up without what they said they'd bring..we can always find ways to use extra food; but I don't like my guests to ever leave hungry or feel they shouldn't eat their fill 'cause the table looked sparse. If I don't need the extras I prepared...they just stay in the fridge & nobody but me is ever the wiser.

I don't believe anybody has ever come to our home to admire the dishes, check to see if the serving pieces matched, or if the flowers coordinated with my choice of linens. Once the doorbell rings for the first time everything ceases being about whether the countertops are clean & becomes about the people. I may very well have cleaned & prepped for a week before the event but that all stops with that first, "Hi, how ya doing? Welcome!"

I sincerely hope I've never embarrassed, irritated, or angered any guest in our home by thoughtless comments/behaviors/sulking, etc. due to my need/desire for control of minutiae.

We once gave a very formal dinner party in honor of the European CEO of my DH's employer, a large financial institution. I'd intended to serve an appetizer, a soup course, a salad course, a fish course, a refresher course, an entree, & dessert. The table was set in our best linens, china & sterling. Our teenage DS & one of his friends were in black suits serving as car attendants & waiters. Dress was formal. Everything was going extraordinarily well until the refresher course ended. Our guest of honor gulped down his small refresher in one bite, wiped his mouth, pushed back his chair, & announced, "Tricia, that was the best meal I've ever eaten!" One look on his face told me he was dead serious. He thought the refresher course had been dessert. I knew DS & his friend were busy plating the entree in the kitchen. So, I quickly excused myself & hustled by butt out to tell them there'd be no entree or dessert served. We were finished! The only alternative would have been to embarrass our guest of honor. I knew everybody else at the table was watching me intently 'cause they knew I had a little "problem"! lol After the last after-dinner drink had been served & the last of the cars brought around...DH & I were alone & broke out into hysterical laughter along with the kids as we stared at the prime rib sitting on the counter. We all shared a midnight feast & the episode remains one of our fondest entertaining memories. Go with the flow! It's all about the people.

/tricia

Oh, I'm a Leo (July 29)...youngest child.

/t

Tricia,

Any chance your CEO Guest was just being polite? Would it be rude to say, "Oh, my dear, you haven't seen anything yet. We are giving you the royal treatment."? LOL!

Annie and Tricia, I also want to enjoy my guest and visit with the little people in the family. I wouldn't want to embarrass, chastise, or put down these lovely people (DH's aunts, siblings, cousins) just for the sake of grape jelly in a Volkswagen. They all seem to enjoy and appreciate the lovely presentation and the mostly wonderful food that is prepared so I don't want to let them down.

On that note, that's why I jumped on the bandwagon that Carmen's started so I could vent in the company of cooking friends.

Cathy, if my guests expect a certain meal and they know what their part in it is supposed to be, then when it doesn't happen it's their own fault! LOL

On the other hand, if someone says they are bringing a main dish and then doesn't bring it, like in Maggie's instance, I'd be a bit ticked. If I'd have brought the ham and my sister didn't show up with the cooked turkey, I'd have gone into town and bought a couple of buckets of fried chicken so everyone would be fed, but I'd be ticked.

However, my sister and I would have had a short discussion about why I was ticked and the matter would have been resolved promptly.

Now, in Carmen's case, if the adults went hungry, oh well. They know the expectations and it's their own fault. I'd have fed the kids peanut butter and jelly or frozen pizza, the adults could just have another glass of wine and shush.

So, basically, if I have expectations that I need to feel good to have fulfilled, then I'll do it myself, I won't leave it to the vagaries of others. If I don't care, which is usually the case anymore, I just roll with it. It's all good and the last year (well, actually, the last five years) has taught me many lessons. Among those lessons learned are how to let go of control (and thus avoid taking responsibility, LOL), how to appreciate the family I have in spite of their weaknesses (or my perception of those traits as weaknesses) and that nothing is ever as perfect as I try to make it be.

Annie

Oh, Annie, the whole concept of letting go of control is a hard lesson, and it slaps me in the face all too often. I expect people to act as I would act, and that only sets me up for disappointments. If it's critical, I do it myself. If it isn't, I take care of myself (take something I will enjoy to the potluck, and I'll survive.)

But I want to add another little twist to the problem of these potluck affairs.... timing. Never expect anyone who is chronically late to bring an appetizer or even a main course. In fact, only trust those items to yourself (if you are in charge) as a rule.

Jim's got a cousin named Betsy, and she lives in what we all call Betsy-time. She'll show up eventually, probably two or three hours later than everyone else, and we now know to only let her bring sweets for after dinner. It was a lesson hard-learned, because her mother, while she was alive, would ask Betsy to bring the salad or a main veggie or something to munch on. Fritos and dip after everyone has eaten are better left unopened, we all knew, but her mother always let it slide. We give different assignments these day, tho. ;-)